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I Think I Found Rock Bottom!

greenkeyggreenkey Posts: 15
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:44 AM in Matters of the Heart
Well, I just need a place to vent tonight. So, let me sum up the last 6 years or so of my life:

My dad died 6 years ago, had a heart attack and collapsed in front of me (I was 25 at the time). Two months later, my grandmother died. A year after that, my mother-in-law died. My mom got remarried 2 years after dad died and was ready to start a new life. Fifteen months after their wedding, doctors discovered a brain tumor and last year after fifteen months battling that, my stepfather died.

Around the time my stepdad's brain tumor was discovered was when I ruptured my first disk (L3/L4) and then later the L4/L5 and L5/S1.

Last September I got swine flu and missed a week of work with doctor's notes. The day I came back, my boss fired me. Said I was faking (refused to look at doc notes) and ALSO said I was still too sick to return to work and was risking his life. Whatever. I worked there 6 years!

Still unemployed, barely making it on my unemployement plus husband's salary.

Had the microdiskectomy on May 26 because I finally decided to do it while I had the time if not the money. My mother has offered to assist with the med bills but that just makes me feel worse.

So here I am. Financially dependant on the goodwill of my mom (and i am 31 years old!). Unemployed. Totally isolated already but even more so now that I can't even drive.

I just feel like bursting into tears all throughout every single day. I don't even want to get out of bed. Ever.

I have tried to make good choices and to fix my problems and right now it seems like no amount of effort makes any difference so why try?


  • That's rough you've got so many issues with past tragedy in your family. It seems more magnified when you're having pain from your surgery and feeling like somewhat not in control of things. You just had surgery and though it was a microsurgery it's still major surgery when it comes to your spine and recovery. Your Mother is nice to be helping you and if she wasn't able to she wouldn't but it may give her satisfaction because to her because you mean the world to her. Employers these days are just so uncaring about their staff and really ticked what happened to you. You have to try because that's how you go on and it will get better.

    I hope in the future you'll be able to find a job with healthcare insurance. One day at a time and concentrate on walking everyday and get better and heal from your surgery. Prayers for you and your family and see your Primary Dr. if you're still having sadness. It feels good to vent it out and we're here to listen and support you. Take care. CHarry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • Hey Greenkey,

    I'm sorry you and your family have battled such a huge amount of loss. I cannot imagine how you have felt and dealt with all of the things that have come your way in the last few years. Spinal surgery is a tough recovery in the best of health. Take it easy on yourself. You need time to heal, in many ways. Definitely see your primary care physician, if possible. I suffered horrible post surgical depression and I cried all the time. It's really not uncommon, especially considering your circumstances. Medication and therapy can be so helpful. Even if just temporary.

    Best Wishes,
  • Greenkey,
    You try for all those people who had and have faith in you, for all those who care and love you, for all those individuals you now reflect and could see in the stature of who and what you are. We are challenged every day to be our best and keep that emphasis going; your mom has faith in you and knows you are trying your best.

    Nobody should endure your circumstance, my own grandparents, and parents, more recently my beloved sister died and it is not easy. None of this is your fault and you should not blame yourself for anything, you are a survivor and have a difficult experience that anyone would find challenging, you have come here and will help others to understand.

    What support network do you have and what help are you seeking to ease your path, does your doctor know all this information. We do not wish to be reliant on others and asking for help is never easy and does take time to develop.

    You are courageous in expressing where you are now and that understanding that you may need additional support at this time, the imposition of not working when you would like it to be different is not easy and many here have similar events and history to yourself and continue to improve.

    Go and see your doctor if you think that is appropriate and get the help you need, you are working well towards improvement, what is your next goal and how will you do that. Are you managing your pain as all these aspects determine some of the impact?

    Take care and be kind to yourself.

  • Thanks for all your kind comments. My family is quite small. I've been recovering at my mother's house because my husband and I have two rowdy dogs that I don't think I should deal with while healing. Unfortunately, my mother has been gone for a good bit of this time, just left this morning for 2 weeks in California visiting her stepchildren. My husband is working. So, I'm alone most of the time.

    My 3 closest girlfriends are on my nerves. For no other reason than I have extreme irritability with my depression and they are all doing well and happy with their lives.

    It is hard for me to dump my negative emotions out there anyway because in my past experience, there are few friends who are able to fully ride it out with you. And I can totally understand that.

    I have two brothers and we are close but they don't live nearby and have "drama" of their own.

    I've been on Cymbalta for depression for almost 2 years but perhaps you all are right and I should contact my doctor about adding something else. My pain is well under control. It makes me feel bad to lay around so much but I'm afraid to do much more until I've passed the 6 week mark and done my follow-up with my neurosurgeon.

    Anyway, you all are much appreciated. Sometimes it's easier to share anonymously for me than face to face with people I know.
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