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Feeling Down...

caitycccaityc Posts: 268
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:44 AM in Depression and Coping
Hi everyone! Thank you for taking the time to read this. :)

I am a chronic pain sufferer. I know I could be worse, but I could also be a lot better. And right now no doctor will perform a fusion on me because I am too "young".

Anyway, I am just feeling really down... :( My husband and kids are in CA (I live in AZ), and I was really looking forward to some peace and quiet. However, I really miss them. :) They get home Monday, and just left today, so at least it's not a long time. :)

My disability is really getting to me. I have my moments of acceptance, then something comes along and reminds me of exactly what my situation is. I am over weight, and continuing to gain weight, with NO motivation to stop it. There is this new exercise program called Zumba. It's a dance work out that combines salsa, cha cha, etc. As someone who loved to dance, this would have been perfect for me years ago as a work out tool. There is no way I can do it now, and it's really frustrating because it looks like so much fun. To make it worse, my friends husband says to me "I saw an overweight 70 year old at the grocery store today who was saying she had to hurry so she didn't miss her Zumba class". He then says "if she can do Zumba, you should be able to". OUCH!!! I told him he had NO idea HOW I wished I could do Zumba. I just can't believe he would say something like that to me. Especially when he is fully aware of my back problem.

I also just bought my 14 year old daughter the Wii game "Just Dance", which looks like a blast! Can't do it though....

Thank you for letting me vent. I have to get a handle on my weight situation!! It's killing me....



  • Sorry that you are feeling down, we all have bad days and really bad days. It is frustrating to not be able to do the things we would like to do. I know there are others that will respond on how they lost weight even with the pain. It becomes that awful cycle that the weight doesn't help our situations but it is harder to do something about it and that just adds more weight. I hope you'll be able to dig deep and maybe find ways to help get through this.

    Have you gotten a second opinion? You said it was determined you where too young for a fusion but sometimes there isn't any other alternative. I am 35 and we are trying to put off doing a spinal fusion. In my case I have some other options to try before we get to that point. From reading your signature it looks like you have a collapsed disc so I don't know how many other alternatives you may have or what you have tried. It might not hurt to have 1 or 2 other doctors take a look.

    I hope things brighten up for you hang in there!!!
  • I recently lost 45 lbs since last year at this time what I had gained the year before. Mostly I drink water at least a quart or 2 a day to help give me a full feeling. I also include yogurt in my diet and even 2 squares of dark chocolate everyday. Try a walk around the block or just walking 5 minutes a day several times a day with your cane or walker. I went up to 2X and now down to a size 14. I imagined myself being thinner and took my walks enjoying the day.

    I hope you can find a Dr. to help you with your pain and maybe your Primary Dr. will help with your diet. Monday's not too far away and your family will be back home with you. Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • I know where you are coming from. We are a very tight family. I hate going out of town on business. Most people where I work love to get sent out of town on business, but I miss my wife and kids usually before the first day is over. Last trip I took to Detroit I was the first to go back to the hotel, usually on my own so I could tell my kids good night and actually have a nice conversation with them and the wife.

    I too have gained weight since my surgery. It is so hard to cut enough calories to make up for my lack of activity. After being married this long I guess I don't have to worry about getting a date. So there is one thing I don't have to worrying about. My front incision is not pretty though. I used to have a cute little pot belly, now a got a front butt.

    I will caution you that the fusion is something to really think through. I did a 360 L4-S1 on 1/20/2010. After the surgery my doctor told me the disk were totally shot, worse than the MRI reflected. It was the worst post op pain I have experienced. I had my tonsils and adenoids removed my first year of college and thought that was bad. Then I had shoulder surgery, and I thought that was bad. Neither of those came close to what I have just gone through. The rub is I may have lost my leg problems, but my back hurts just like it did before surgery. My PM doc tried to tell me, but I hoped for so much more. I can't fault the surgeon. He told me I might come out of this with back pain. He only guaranteed the leg pain and instability to be fixed. Just something to consider.

    I also know this "moments of acceptance" you speak of. It's like resistance is useless. My PM has tried to gently get my head wrapped around that idea.

    Sorry about the a-hole that is married to you friend. You showed some great restraint in that situation! You should have kicked him in the nards and told him "now dance!" If he only knew the good times we are all having in the "jacked up spine club". I feel sorry for your friend.

    By the way I am 38. I am worried about the future, occasionally, but I am working on right here - right now currently.

    C'est la vie!

    You vent all you want sister. This is one of the only places I know where people really know what you are talking about.
  • Rwill - I am feeling better today. The family is coming home tomorrow. :)
    I've had 2 opinions so far. They both say the same thing, I'm too young.

    Charry - Congrats on the weight loss! I wish I could get there.... I know I will eventually, I just don't know when. :(

    Factoryrat - I actually used to be a lot worse when my hubby left. I would cry, and have panic attacks. I'm glad that parts over. :)
    You are right that it is difficult to lower the calories enough so you can lose weight without exercising. My husband is understanding, caring, helps me out tremendously, but is NOT happy about my weight. He's not mean about it, but makes it very clear how he feels about my weight. A lot of it has to do with the fact that it would help my back. But also has to do with alone time in the bedroom, if you know what I mean. And I can't say I blame him. I feel fat and gross... I wouldn't want to do the "deed" with me either at this point. This is the heaviest I have ever been. I just have to do something...
    As far as my friends husband, I should have elaborated and said he is like a brother to me, and I have known him almost 20 years. He didn't have a mean tone to his voice when he said it. It just still hurts though. I feel like I constantly have to explain why I can't go dancing, or to peoples houses I don't know because there may not be a comfortable place for me to sit, or why I have to leave a friends house and go home because my back hurts.... Blah blah.....
    I am so sorry that you still experience pain, even after your surgery. It's such a shame there is no guarantee for us when we decide to take that big step.
    You are right about this being the only place to turn, where people truly understand what it's like to live like this.
  • I am 31 years old and scheduled for fusion surgery in a little over two weeks. I had to go through three surgeons to get a fusion scheduled. (The final one only agreed to it after a discogram and having me go to PT one more time.) Anyway, the point is that sometimes it takes a while. I was told I was too young so many times by all types of doctors...

    I have been trying to lose weight as well. I am still working full time so it is hard. I have never been good at the calorie cutting thing either and it is impossible to even walk when I am using all my energy to get through the work day :/ I think the hardest thing about being overweight is the cut it takes to your own self esteem.

    Anyway, I just wanted to chime in and let you know I feel your pain - for what it's worth ;)
  • Thank you for letting me know I am not alone... This board is truly the only place where people know exactly where I am coming from, and what I am feeling...

    I do have a very supportive family, thank goodness, but I feel so sad they are burdened with all this. My kids are only 14 and 9. :(

    Good luck with your surgery and please let me know how you are doing!

  • I just wanted to let you know you are not alone!

    Back pain can be so isolating. Before my fusion, little by little I gave up everything to the point I would go to work and come home and lay down. I would try to stay on the sofa to have some interaction with my family, but eventually I would have to stretch out and lay in the bed. I just had to unload my spine.

    I am now 16 weeks of recovery from by fusion. It is a very long recovery, but little by little I am getting my life back. I am trying to return to work. Not because I am ready, but because my FMLA is up.

    The 3. ideas that I had for you are

    1. are you being seen by a pain management doc? I have found that they are compassionate and really want to releive and manage your pain.

    2. have you tried Cymbalta? It was my PM doc who suggested it to me. It helps decrease pain in addition to helping with pain. At first, I didn't think I needed it when my doc brought it up. BUT....after observing my own behaviors for a few days. I realized I did.

    3. have you had your thyroid levels checked? It is so common for women to need a boost of the thyroid hormone, the thyroid is so important, like the hard drive of a computer.

    I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. I think the combination of chronic pain and weight gain is lethal! It has really done damage to my self esteem!

    My surgery was a 360 so I have 3 new big scars, one in the front and 2 in the back! I weigh 20 lb more than the day I had my surgery. But, I didn't gain it little by little. I game home with so much swelling my brace wouldn't fit and we had to buy some clothing 2 sizes too big as nothing fit. The swelling went down some, and than stopped here :(

    I went to the endocrinologist Fri and will return tomorrow to go over my results. He thinks because of the stress to my body caused by the fusion, my body shut down and isn't absorbing anything! He thinks he can help although he feels he will have to "be aggressive!"

    I hate not being able to wear my clothes! I also worry that I won't be able to get the weight off. I tried hard for 4 weeks, ate perfectly, did everything right, and didn't loose 1 pound! That stinks!

    I am sorry this is so long! Thanks for giving me a place to vent! You are not alone! We will get through this together! Hang in there!
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