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I laughed so hard I cried when I read this!

sunny1966ssunny1966 VIRGINIAPosts: 1,385
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:45 AM in Lighten and Brighten
This is very long but so funny I hope you'll read it! =))
If you have ever used an
electric fence or know someone who has one
you should read this.
The language used is a bit
salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.

If you don't laugh
hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this
is funny....and true. This
was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6
ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months
ago, I heard about
burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire
city. To make sure this
never happened to me, I got an electric fence
and ran a single wire along
the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest
cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made
for 26 miles of fence. I
then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove
it 7.5 feet into the
ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more
you have in the ground, the
better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back
yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big
wheel push mower. The hot
wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I
knew for a fact that I
unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower
around the wire and reached
down to grab it, to throw it out of the

It seems as though I hadn't
remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there,
I've got the running lawnmower in my right
hand and the 1.7 giga-volt
fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind
the charger is about the
size of a marine battery and has a picture of
an upside down cow on fire
on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is
my pecker trying to climb up the front
side of my body. My ears
curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing
in the backside of my brain. Every time that
Briggs & Stratton rolled
over, I could feel the spark in my head. I
was literally at one with
the engine.

It seems as though the
fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower
were fighting over who
would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot
crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg
to differ. Not only did I
do all three at once, but my bowels emptied
3 different times in less
than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind
of bowel movement, where
time is creeping along and you're all leaned
back and BAM BAM BAM you
just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like
there were minutes in
between but in reality it was so close together
it was like exhaust pulses
from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30
minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
the fence wire. My hand is
wrapped around the wire palm down so I
can't let go. I grew up on
a farm so I know all about electric fences
... but Dad always had
those piece of shit chargers made by
International or whoever
that were like 9 volts and just kinda

This one I could not let go
of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me
through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river
bottom soil. At this point
I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man
up and take it, until the
lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I
remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is
starting to run rough. It has settled into a
loping run pattern as if it
had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in
it. Covered in poop, pee,
and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh
God please die ....
Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the
rough lumpy cam idle nicely
and remains there, like a big bore roller
cam EFI motor waiting for
the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle
of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard
, begging God to kill me. God did not take
me that day .... he left me
there covered in my own fluids to writhe
in the misery my own
stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I
got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the
ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside
me, out of gas. It was
later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead
grass spots where I had been standing, and
then another long skinny
dead spot where the wire had laid while I was
on the ground still holding
on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure
and in the resulting
thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my
electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem
to have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in
the bottoms of my feet and my right butt
cheek (not the left, just
the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit
when all mixed together, do not smell as bad
as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not

5 - My right eye will not

6 - The lawnmower runs like
a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our
little session cleared out
some carbon fouling or something, because
it was better than new
after that.

7 - My nuts are still
smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in
the game room by farting while thinking of
the number 4 (still don't
understand this???).

That day changed my life. I
now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little
things more, and now I always triple check to
make sure the fence is
unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a
burglar does try to come over the fence, I
can clearly visualize what
my security system will do to him, and THAT
gives me a warm and fuzzy
feeling all over, which also reminds me to
triple check before I mow.


  • Love it!!!!! Think I need to go to Tractor Supply this week.
  • sunny1966ssunny1966 VIRGINIAPosts: 1,385
    Yeah, I'm wondering how I can get my hubby to use the pushmower...we have a fence, hmmm... }:) lol.

  • I was thinking of a few neighbors who like to stick their noses in my yard. lmao

    Not as good as the electric fence but I did plant barberry on one side. Nice sharp thorns under those pretty leaves.
  • sunny1966ssunny1966 VIRGINIAPosts: 1,385
    sometimes the hubby idea still feels right. Nah, just like to pick on him. If I didn't he'd think I don't love him! I can't believe he read that and didn't even crack a smile! Gotta check his pulse I guess. :?
  • I just connected (no pun) this one. Last week my husband was working on the vaca house and the phone line that was buried in the dirt got cut. Now he's an electrician so he should know how to splice this....

    While he is doing this bare handed I called the house. He got shocked with 100 volts on the ring. And it just seemed strange on my end so I think I called like 3 times!!

    Later when I heard what happened my son and daughter both said I should have kept calling!!! So I guess I did give the hubby a little jolt by accident.
  • Aaaw come on Kris, 100 volts is tickle power! :) As to the fence, hehehe.. I have no problem watching a bad guy having a 'bad day' with such a fence! Rofla!!

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,842
    As I was reading it, I could almost see how you or I could have been in that situation. Since we both love to be outdoors with the 'machines'

    But think about this, maybe all that experience, the pain, the insult, the '????'. perhaps it could be considered a new treatment in spinal problems.

    After that incident, I think any existing spinal problem would have been bolted right out of the body!
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • =)) 3 teeth melted? yike good thing he was a Dentist.

    I have an old metal grate on the floor in one bedroom and if you stand on it and touch the metal on the light pull cord you get a real zap. I really should get that fixed. Kind of goes through your whole body down the already bad nerve leg. It's not fun I've done it several times.... @) 8}
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • sunny1966ssunny1966 VIRGINIAPosts: 1,385
    You're not going to believe this but that's exactly what I thought! I thought, hmmm, it might feel good for a little while. I could just see either of us in the same situation! I really could. All the while we were reading that through the tears my son said it sounded just like something he could see me doing! Said that my mower sounds like that all the time! I told him he can push it in the fence and see if it'll run better. lol. Of course, there's a few problems in there that would be a little different for me since I'm a lady. 8}
    I'll think of that every time I mow from now on. People will think I'm crazy when they see me out here pushing my lawnmower laughing and crying at the same time. Watch out with that mower Ron. Or at least make sure you can turn loose when you've had enough!
  • sunny1966ssunny1966 VIRGINIAPosts: 1,385
    Isn't it funny how you can feel the zap in a certain place? I did actually touch an electric fence not long ago..it was one of those WHEW! moments. After the initial "shock" it did feel good. That's what was so strange when Ron suggested the same thing. I hate it when every time you touch the light switch or whatever it gets you though. Our carpet is bad to cause that. Does kind of 'liven' you up for a moment though doesn't it? :D
  • That's really unusual it must be an electric cord touching the telephone cord and your husband becomes the ground while answering the phone. Ouch.

    Hi Sunny-yes it's something like a little boost in energy! um not really... it must be 'wow thank goodness I'm still alive after that' and that rush gives you the little boost. LOL image:)" alt=">:)" height="20" />
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • jlrfryejjlrfrye ohioPosts: 1,110
    Thanks for making me laugh!!!!
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