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Cant stop crying today

newhouse17nnewhouse17 Posts: 133
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:46 AM in Matters of the Heart
When I woke up today I knew it was going to be a bad day. My back is killing me and I got in a huge fight with my 16yr old daughter.I finally just broke down and started balling.I dont like the person that Ive become, Im constantly yelling at everyone for the stupidest reasons!!!! I dont want to be this person anymore. I am alone most days because all my friends are bizzy with thier kids or work. I feel so alone with no one to talk to. I think my kids hate me and talking to my husband I sound like a broken record and he hates seeing me like this. Im so tired of all of this!!!!! I just want to feel normal again but its impossible!! I just wish there was someone that I could talk to face to face but cant seem to find a support group in my area. Uh!! Sorry for the mess, typing through tears.-Kathy


  • Newhouse,

    Huge *HUGZZZZZZZZZZZ* I am so sorry you're having such a day. I don't have kids, but I too have my days were I am a short tempered type with my hubby for stupid things. We've talked about it, and now I give him a heads up if it's one of those days, and he scoots to another room. I don't like that I am alone when I have those days, but at least I am not 'on him' for my stuff.

    Before we came up with that 'plan' I would end up hurting more because I would be all over him for the smallest of things, we would snap at each other, which of course bummed me out, and then I would get upset, cry, hurt more, and cry. Since I've retired, I don't have a lot of people to talk with either, most especially about spine issues. I do find however coming on here to share, chat, post, laugh, cry is a BIG support and comfort. We are here for you Newhouse, please know that. I hope you're feeling better now. *HUGZ*

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Sorry you are having such a bad day. Have a good cry if you need to. Then - take a breath. Have a warm drink with something sweet, and some pain meds. Then find your favorite comfortable spot, and relax until the meds kick in. Remind yourself how - even though 16 year olds are awful (I know - I was 16 once!), you love your daughter and she loves you. She can be beautiful, I'm sure.

    Even when we don't have spine problems and chronic pain, human beings often feel like "I don't like who I've become". I used to run a Department with 600 - 700 employees. My days were FULL, and I was smart and accomplished, and I LOVED talking a hundred miles an hour to lots of people everyday. Now I sit at home - I'm still in my robe at 1.30pm!

    Even though we can't see each other here, our "presence" can be powerful. I live in one of the busiest areas of Manhattan - see a hundred faces just when I go to buy milk. A hundred blank faces. I'm sure lots of people will read your post today, truly empathize with you, and give you "mental/internet" hugs. They will look at you in their minds eye, with care and concern.

    Take it easy. Feel better. "This too will pass".

    By the way, is that your kitten? That is a REALLY cute/beautiful kitten!

  • Here comes a cyber hug >:D<

    16 year old daughters can be very challenging!
    I had one several years ago (she is 32 now and has a 3 year old daughter of her own)
    I found the teenage years very challenging! :W

    I can't imagine what it is like to have to cope with spinal issues and pain at the same time. I'm sure that the argument didn't help with your pain levels. Stress does make it worse.

    Today is a bad day for you. Perhaps you can accept that you can't achieve much today, take your pain meds and as Stefany says, find a comfortable spot and relax.

    There will be a better day on the horizon. :-)

    Try to plan to do something nice; perhaps with your daughter if she will.
    My daughter and I used to have horrible arguments, but now we are very close again and she has said sorry for how she used to treat me. I think being a mum herself really made her understand my point of view. :D

    Wishing you a much better day tomorrow! >:D<

  • It was not my intention to affend anyone here at the forum. I do appriciate all of you spineys for your huge syber hugs and know that I wouldnt make it through this without your advice and support, I just get so lonely sometimes. I just need some human contact (something besides the dog and cat). You know how bugs scatter when you turn the lights on? Thats how my family is when I get like this.Im going to take your advice, take my meds and maybe a nap. Hope I feel better later.-kathy
  • I highly doubt anyone on here will feel offended!! :) Unfortunately, yeah I understand the parallel with the bugs scattering with the lights. I hope you feel better after your nap. *hug* <-- Still gonna give those cyber hugs!!

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Believe it or not, I was crying with the boo hoo's about my frustrating weight gain and the feelings of isolation, loss of adult contact etc., when your post was the first I saw just now! How's that for kismet!!

    I know, as so many others do, of the rollercoaster ride the chronic pain/surgery BS, etc. it is so difficult.

    For myself, I recently have had the weight gain finally catch up on me due to the back problems and pain while excercising. Its not even that I gained a ton of weight, but all of my regular clothes don't fit me and I hate that. Plus, being short doesn't help either (ha!)

    Please feel free to PM me anytime if you need to vent and get things off your chest. I am in the same boat and it certainly helps to talk to one another.

    Wishing us ALL happier, better days ahead.

  • I don't think there is anyone here that was offended by your post!
    I always wanted a daughter, then had two boys and was glad I did not have a daughter, then they turned 13 and, oh well, you get the idea! If she is like my boys you just have to hang on for a few years and they come back to you! honest!
    Crying, I am doing better once I got an accurate diagnosis of Bi-polar type II depression on top of my chronic shoulder/arm pain. I used to cry coming home from work, then it got so bad I cried on the way TO work! It can be a very tiring journey being one of us.
    It can get very confusing in here and anger/frustration is often the easiest emotion to find.

    Please know we understand, most of us are or have been there. Some will go there again, I still have my days when I just don't think it is worth all this. One foot goes in front of the other as does one minute follow another.

    I hope you feel better soon.
  • With regards to the human contact - I really miss that too. I did go to school for a while - that was wonderful!

    Also - I go to church each week. And I volunteer with my church - I help out with Sunday School for an hour and a half each week, and I help out with their social events.

    With the Sunday School, I just sit in the office and mark off all the kids who come in late. With the social events, before I hurt my back, I was helping setting up tables, doing decorations, etc. Now I mostly just sit and smile and collect tickets at the door, or even just turn up and say hello and smile at people, and chat. I told the Sunday School Coordinator and the Special Events Leader that "the back comes first" - I am not dependable, and that 5 minutes before I'm due to do something, I can hurt my back and let you down. I let people know what I need, what I can do, and what I can't do. And they are understanding.

    I also have a friend and his wife and kids who live nearby. They are very understanding - I see them about once a month, and they never make me do anything - when I go over their house to eat, they let me lie down on the bed before dinner!

    If you want to see people - think of SKYPE, too.

    These ideas may not resonate with you - but maybe there are other places you can make contact/volunteer. Try not to think about what you can't do (I can't do this and I can't do that), but about who you can be - maybe you can be cheerful, or inspiring, or welcoming. You CAN BE - whatever you want to be! I feel so ashamed sometimes, thinking how worthless I am, but then I make contact with others and see - well - we all can be worthless (the disabled and the not disabled) or we all can be something else.

    I just want to add one thing - and PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS AS A CRITICISM OF YOU, I'M ACTUALLY THINKING ABOUT MYSELF - I know for myself, with my husband, when I'm feeling like - I'm so worthless, you don't love me, you don't care about me anymore - BOY HE WILL RUN! But when I come home from church or my friends, all renewed and refreshed - he feels it too and he wants to hang out with me more.
  • Hey there,

    If nothing else, most of us can relate. I know I've had those days.

    I can 'fake' it for awhile and then I get tired of putting up the front. I'm not as bad as some folks but my life took a big twist that I didn't expect at 40 years old. Someone asked me just yesterday...has your lifestyle changed much or did you just have to stop running? I cringe. I don't think "people" really want to know. But I replied, actually yes, a lot has changed that I am learning to accept. I then tried to joke and say..at least now I can enjoy a beer every now and again. The personwas surprised that I gave that up for awhile and I had to explain that tylenol and alcohol are not good for your liver.

    Yes, my husband things I'm a broken record. Since I had to give up so much, I tend to pour more into my thankless job. Combine chronic pain, with a thankless job, with very little options on exercise except walking which I enjoy but it's very much a 'in my own head' exercise....and I tend to have monthly melt-downs.

    I wish I could offer suggestions but I guess I'm here to say you are normal.

    Having a plan on how to address my back pain - what signs to look for, when to call the doctor, how to react if I'm hurting more than normal, reminding myself and having my husband remind me it's ok to admit I'm hurting and either call out of work or work from home, reminding myself that I just can't do it all and it doesn't make me less of a person, all that stuff...has made it better on some days.

    It's a big burden you are carrying. cut yourself some slack.
  • Hi Kathy, You are not alone. Not alone in your feelings, or your family situation at all. Try to forget the fight with the 16 year old, I have a 16 1/2 year old boy, arguments are daily, I think it's their language. Sounding like a broken record I totally get, but you're family loves you and supports you even if they don't appear to on a daily basis. Getting back to normal is what I too struggle with, being post-op 11 weeks PLIF fusion surgery. Most days I feel great, but then I do too much and I am side lined. I think some days are better addressed with a nap and a small goal that is attainable. Then anything else positive is frosting on the cake. All the spineys are here for you. I live in northern NJ, any chance you live near by?
    Best, mel v.

  • No offence taken, but I can definately relate to what you are saying and really feel for you.
    A lot if not most of us, have been through similar days, and still have them sometimes.

    I know earlier on in my recovery from surgery, even though I chat daily here with friends, I longed to chat with 'real' people.

    Let the tears flow when you need to. They are healing and can vent some of your emotions.

    Having back problems takes a major focus in our lives. Because of that, we NEED to talk about it. Those closest to us can sometimes get fed up hearing about it. I know that feeling, when we are yet again, expressing where the latest pain is or just our frustration at not being able to do what we want to, that our family is inwardly groaning and thinking that they have heard all this before.

    Use us to vent to. We understand and are quite happy to listen and sympathise.

    I hope that today is a better day for you.

    Remember, you are not alone, you have a whole bunch of us here, who are happy to listen (read) how you are feeling. We are only cyber people! but we will give a sympathetic answer which is better than a 'real' person, who is fed up hearing about it. :D

    I think it is hard for our family to see us struggling and not be able to do something to fix it.
  • I had to go back and re-read your post to see if I missed something. I know I've had my fair share of days like that. I don't have teens yet but I tend to get a little short with the kiddos sometimes when I am hurting bad(I'm always in pain but sometimes it is worse). It might do you and your family some good to have a sit down talk. Clearing the air might do everyone some good and also explaining to them how you are feeling and that sometimes you short out and get a little snappy. Some fighting is just normal teenage stuff that no one can do anything about but you might be able to help control some of the other outbursts by having very open lines of communication. I can sometimes catch myself before I have an outburst a few calmly breathes really help. I hope things have gotten better!! Hang in there!!
  • Oh my gosh, when I read your post it felt like I was reading my own words! Although, my sons are both older than 16, let me tell you, even on a good day with good health teens are a big challenge! I can tell you from experince 16 year olds can be very moody too, a great challenge to understand and please, and it is the most trying times for parents! But the good news is it passes! Before you know it they like you, your advice, love being with you and you become best friends again! Well, to be honest it does take a few years(aall the teen years...LOL) but it does get better. I read an article once, I think it was called the "cat years" or something, maybe someone here remembers it but it describes the teen years with some humor and you'd enjoy reading it right now!

    I can't imagine anyone here being offended with your post because we all have been in in your shoes more than once. We all have our bad days and need someone to share them with. I have felt alone and lonely many times while all my family/friends continue to work, play, do things, visit, and just have a life while I'm home alone and in pain. I hope you cried and then took care of yourself! You deserve that!
    I hope tomorrow brings you something that makes you smile!

  • So I took the meds and cried myself to sleep on Friday. Saturday was a bizzy day and I was very quiet all day and family new something was up. Sat down Sunday morning with family for discussion about how I was felling and others were invited to do the same. I found out that my daughter was having problems of her own with other girls where we live. Typical teenage stuff but can be brutal sometimes, expecially with the internet. I then felt guilty myself for being so caught up in my own problems that I didn't see what she was going through. She doesn't always tell me because she feels Im dealing with enough already.She also explained that she hates seeing me in pain and wants to fix me but doesn't know how. I explained to her that no one can do that, not even the doctors.We need to be more patient with each other and keep the lines of communication open. We huged each other and we both started crying again,then shared a big bowl of ice cream!!!

    Thanks to all my friends out there, I wouldn't know how to deal with all my issues without you.

  • So pleased that you managed to sit down and talk about how you all were feeling.

    It is hard enough to deal with our back problems, without the complications of arguments with loved ones too.

    Hope that you are feeling stronger and more hopeful emotionally now. (Hope that the pain is easier too! :-))

    We are glad to support you through difficult times. We have all been grateful for the support that we have got here, from our spiney friends.

  • So glad to see you where able to talk with them, get it out, and heard. Even better it seems you have opened up wider lines of communication with your family, especially your daughter! Sometimes being happy or more comfy in our emotions reduce the pain as well! Hope you're feeling better today. *HUG*

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • I was so happy to read your post and find out that you guys ended up having a "talk". Don't beat yourself up too much about not knowing that your daughter was having friend trouble. It is easy to get caught up in the whole pain thing. What is important is that you have just opened up some great lines of communication, that is a big step. I am sure your daughter is very concerned about you, I never liked it when my mom was in pain. My 8 year old is really sensitive to how I am feeling I try to be careful of her feelings, but it is hard sometimes. Keep up the good work and I hope things are going better for you!!
  • Just dropping in and letting you know I am thinking of you! I hope you are feeling TONS better today! *HUGZ*

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Wow I canot believe I have found somewhere (retreat) that offers so many answers. When the pain is so bad depression hits me and Im constantly crying, snappy and I retreat from family and friends. I thought something was wrong with my personality but I think I have underestimated what pain does to ur emotions. Dont give up Newhouse there are brighter days. Do something you enjoy do something nice for yourself. You cant be superwoman all the time. Your doing an amazing job raising kids in constant pain if u actually realise how much u have acheived through the years despite the pain...i hope that makes u realise thst u are much stronger then u think. If u can spoil urself xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Glad to see you and your daughter had a talk. Living with chronic pain is rough: add raising a family in the mix and its that much harder. My kids are 5 & 8 and I know there are days when I am not as patient or nice. This makes me feel awful, but then I explain that my pain got in the way. They seem to get it.

    Take care,
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