i am having a rough time dealing with the post op crap. I have very little money, and while i love my job, and my bosses have been beyond awesome, but my schedule is now too reduced to support me financially. it seems pointless to try and go on interviews with a major back brace. Why would anyone want to hire someone you is so visibly broken? I was offered a different job doing massage as well, but i would need to start up a clientele and pay rent. I cannot give up the job I have now for it. I wish I could. I need to stop doing massage as my main job as well.
I need my family to drive me everywhere and they are sick of it. They have been helping with my bills and now money is tight for them too. I feel guilty. They can afford it, but they shouldn't have to.
Depression is setting in now, and different than ive had it before. I think the meds are contribution. the anxiety and panic attacks are not a blast either. and my overactive imagination has been a cures of bad thoughts the last few weeks.
I just cut my meds in half and now I am feeling the pain. I think some of the depression today is because of the decrease in my system.
Physical therapy isnt helping, and my insurances allowed amount is almost up. so then i need to decide if i pay outta pocket with money i dont have or deal on my own. yay for that one.
My family is pushing me to get off the meds completely. I dont think they have a clue what it feels like to have all the crap i had done to my spine. 2 replaced disks, 6 screws, 2 rods and a 3 level fusion is a lot to recover from. I had no time to mentally prepare for the surgery either. I met with the surgeon one week after my chiropractor told me to, then was in surgery the next week. i didnt know they could rush something that fast.
I am a little lost right now. I am thankfully recovering well considering. I just dont know how long its gonna take and what i am gonna do in the meantime. I hate the unknown more than anything.
just needed to vent. Thanks.