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My mind wont stop...

fishinwidow98ffishinwidow98 Posts: 54
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:47 AM in Depression and Coping
I had my 360 L4-S1 fusion 9/2/10. I came home from the hospital 9/7 and my husband left me 9/8. On top of the tremendous physical pain I was hit emotional trauma that would have floored me under "normal" circumstances. I went from having a "rock solid" recovery plan to having to take care of myself and my kids (ages 11 and 8). I remained on my pain meds (2-4 Dilaudid, 350 Soma, 50 Fentanyl, 5/500 Percocet) but I stopped sleeping. I stopped eating. I focused on survival and not recovery.

Yesterday my husband came home. This is a good thing if we can work on things but my trust for him has blown out of the water. My head is still spinning. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin and the pain meds aren't really helping other than to take the edge off the physical pain. I go to the OS Wednesday so hopefully adjustments can be made but I have no idea how to approach recovery at this point. I basically came out of recovery to take care of life-- not even 1 week post op. I can't shut my mind off, I can't focus on what needs to be my next move. I feel like I am about to split apart at the seams and no one (NO ONE) gets how un-Godly traumatic this is.

Am I losing my mind? Can I just go back to taking care of myself? Where am I supposed to begin???

HELP! :((


  • Oh, no. Honey, do you have a therapist? And a psychiatrist?

    If you aren't going out of your mind, it would be a shock- just wow. What an amazing blow.

    I am not sure whether to wish you luck in working things out or not, so I'll just wish for things to be as they should. And I will wish for YOU strength of body and mind. But do get help with both of those!
  • He is an amazing man with a huge addiction. We got married almost 13 years ago after we knew each other 18 days so we have had our share of rocky issues. I am seeing a therapist as of last week and he will begin with me this week. I am on meds for my ADD as well (which is Wellbutrin which happens to also be a anti-depressant) but I think I might need some anti-anxiety meds.

    I don't know what to say either. I just needed to vent I think? This has been a miserable hard experience and it got so much worse when he left. It has to get better from here right?
  • I'm sure that most of us wonder, I know I do, what would happen if....your spouse left or died, you lost your house, you never had a spouse or kids. When things get really bad my mind spins all sorts of senarios. Move near family, move in with family, move to Hawaii (yeah).

    I know when my injury first happened I didn't worry too much. My MIL was in the hospital terminal and that was the focus of our lives. I remember talking to the surgeon from her room and finding out I needed the first surgery. I was driving to see her the day after that surgery and hoping they wouldn't kick me out because I had fresh stitches.

    As time went on and things got worse I did think some about what might happen. My husband is not the most sympathetic....strike that ... not at all sympathetic. So he brought me home from the hospital and left me home with the kids for almost two months while he stayed at the vaca house. It was nice in some ways but I could have used some help and felt abandoned at times.

    You don't mention why he says he left. Whatever his reason his timing really stunk. For your own piece of mind you need to put together your own safety net in case he does this again and make sure he knows you have done this. Marriages have ups and downs but there is an underlying reliability that comes with it. I always tell my husband that in my family my brother and sister know that I would drop everything if they needed me and I know it goes both ways. So as much as they might annoy me or I may not agree with their actions or choices we know we can count on each other. This has to extend to husband and wife.

    If you need a shoulder to cry on send me a PM. I'm pretty good at listening and have a little experience in this situation.
  • He has had a gambling addiction that has spanned 10 years. Sadly it came to a head when I left the hospital...

    I appreciate the kind words. I kinda wish I woulda logged on when this first happened because I am sure I would have found useful advice I just had NO idea what to do. I have friends and family nearby that helped a lot as far as dressing changes go and bringing ice for the cryo-therapy but I was taking care of life in general. I hope that we can pull thru this I just don't know where to begin now. I still need that down time that I never got. I know that emotional strain can lessen the effectiveness of pain meds so maybe that will help as well. I just really don't know where to begin.

    I almost feel like I had it together better when he wasn't here because I was in survival mode and not actually thinking about things...

    Thank you for the thoughts. Don't be surprised if you get a message from me...lol.
  • I know what you mean. It was easier for me when he left because I didn't need to make dinner or the bed or clean the bathroom. I did what I needed to do, at least until the kids needed something. I was lucky because my son had his drivers permit so as long as I went with him he could drive and he was a good driver.

    It also helps because you don't have time to baby yourself. BUT and this is a big but...he owes you now. I would make a list of the things you can't do and tell him to pitch in. Plus set aside some down time for yourself. Have him take the kids out or whatever helps you the most. At least for now he should be feeling quilty and willing to do what you need.

    I have to say that his reason is not the worst. Money problems can always be fixed and forgiven. There is alot worse in life. PM me any time.
  • I have no words of wisdom, but I want you to know that I will be praying for you.
  • Waking up today I realized that I now have time to heal and not just "survive". Physiologically I was in "fight or flight" mode and hopefully I didn't do any harm by being up and around as much. Now I am able to relax and heal. I am trying to stay positive that this too shall pass and really I can only do so much- if I have to focus on just making it thru the hour and then the next etc... so be it. I appreciate the help and the shoulders.
  • You have certainly been through a heck of a lot since your surgery.

    I am glad to hear that you have an appointment this week with with your surgeon. Many times during the first few months after fusion surgery, you will be sent for Xrays to see how things look with your fusion. It will certainly put your mind more at ease when you speak with your surgeon on your upcoming visit.

    If your husband is planning to take you to your appointment this Wednesday, it might be wise to speak with your doctor one-on-one without your husband present... regarding your concerns about not getting the adequate rest or down time when you were released from the hospital. Personally, I think it's important for your doctor to know this. After you have discussed this with your doctor, you can then bring your husband in to the exam room and he can listen in to what your doctor advises and also ask the doctor any questions he may have.

    I am truly saddened that you had to experience additional pain and suffering after your surgery. I will pray that you and your husband can work through your problems with your therapist and positive, healthy results are in your near future.

    Please keep us posted with how your appointment goes and feel free to vent anytime. We have a lot of wonderful, supportive members here at Spine-Health.

    Take it real easy, rest and remember... "this too shall pass".

    Thinking of you,

    Tammy >:D<
  • Thank you for the kind words and the prayers. I am not taking him with me to the doc because he has to work and I did want to express my concerns to the doc about possibly over doing it. I hope I didn't do any damage.

    Prayers and well wishes mean so much to me. Thank you!
  • In a way, I am kind of glad that your husband won't be taking you. I can imagine that you will be quite emotional when speaking with your doctor on Wednesday. It might be what I call a "blessing in disguise" by having your husband absent on your Wednesday appointment.

    Perhaps your next visit will be the time your husband can take you to your appointment. You will have more healing time behind you by next month, both physically and emotionally.

    Wishing you the best, sweety.

  • Hello,
    Sometime the reality of what we thought and how things would work differ from the expectations we placed on ourselves and matching what we can do with what we expect is never easy or simple, now we are at the doing stage.

    Looking after two children is difficult at the best of times with all that energy that they have as we are recovering, improvement cannot come fast enough as we try to return to some normality. You seem to have a lot of responsibility for everyone and it is no wonder your mind is spinning trying to address all these issues simultaneously would be impossible for anyone, what support do you have to help you and who provides support and encouragement for what you are doing.

    I have three teenagers and most of that responsibility falls to my own wife and I am well ware of the pressure that brings and my role in being helpful and supportive. I have learned with pain to take one day at a time and try not to look too far into the future, where that capacity and function are less clear as to what I may be capable when that time arrives. It is easy to think that everyone else is getting it right when in reality they are just as confused as we are, managing the family unit is a difficult, every day is a new experience and we should not feel guilty for not knowing where to turn or what to do for the best.

    I call my own downtime, me time and as a family it is important that we all get to be encouraged in what is important to us as individuals and recognition for how we are developing. Things that are important to my wife are important to me as I try to be helpful and acknowledge each of our individual needs and wants, it is never dull.

    You are doing a good job in difficult and challenging circumstance and trying you very best to get the help you need, hope your therapy session went well and a clearer picture is developing.

    Take care, John.
  • I am taking it all day by day at this point- if not hour by hour. So much has gone on since my injury and things happened so fast- I was just hurt 5/28/10 and they had my surgery 9/2/10, we closed on a house in August, football and cheer, and school, and LIFE goes on whether I am hurting or not. My kids have been helpful where they can and now that my husband is home he is helping although he is clueless on what I need help with. I feel dumb asking for help especially when I have been doing it alone since post-op but he seems willing to help and is understanding about my limitations.

    The help I have gotten here has been invaluable. What I great group and I look forward to being able to return the favor with kind words soon!

    Thank you all again.
  • That things are getting better at home and your husband is helping out. Whenever you need something while you are resting, just give him a holler. :)

    Please let us know how your appointment goes.

    Wishing you less pain,

  • but also be aware of what else you may need, emotionally. He can surely help you with anything you may need done for you, or fetched for you. But, only you know what you need to do to help yourself heal and mend your emotions. Is he trying to work on moving past his own addiction(s)? Or is he just repeating the same cycle oevr and over again? And, if he is just repeating this - is this whats best for you and your children? Its must be very tough to even try to think of this w/ all else thats been thrown at you - but try to take some time and search. Its sounds like you may be partway there already (in being able to think about how you can be more independant and what you need), esp. since he's left and come back quite recently.
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