I started to post this elsewhere, but just can't put it on someone elses post as I now find myself more curious as to if others have been in this place, the one below.
I had a day many years ago now, about 15 to be exact, I was a stay-at-home dad and my 3 year old needed nasal surgery. I had been the one with him through thick and thin, my wife worked and was home regular hours, but I was primary care giver. When he needed to be put into twilight to do a Head MRI we were asked if one or both of us were going to be in the room and of course I said, "both". My 3 year old said to me, "I don't want you there, I only want mom."
I remember the mental pain and the rest of that day as a fog. The week leading up to his surgery is a blur. I could not stop hearing those words. The day following his surgery I remember nothing at all, nothing. I know I got up and went to run errands. I returned home about 9:00 that night! It's all a blank. I had been supposed to meet a guy at our house that morning to sell him a wood stove, I never made that apt. I never was, or have been able to tell my wife what happened. I tried to explain, but she just said, "he is only three". Sometimes it is not the messenger but the message that knocks us for a loop.
I completely understand how she felt, I saw it in her eyes for a long time. If we have a mental issue, such as addictions, depression, Bi-polar, etc, There can be a chain of events that just pushes us , Under the rainbow, gone.
I have wondered for many years what it would feel like to have a mental break, I think that I already know, I learned it 15 years ago. I had already been in therapy for depression 2 years or so when that day happened, so it's not like we didn't know I was having problems. It is rather interesting now that I see it for what it was. How does a mind blank that out? a whole day, gone, poof.
I also have a clue that it happened at least once before that. From classmates I learned that when I was in 4th grade a new kid picked a fight with me and punched me in the stomach knocking the wind out of me. The story was told that I just looked at him, sat back down and said nothing. This came from several sources, years later when we had become somewhat friends and I can not remember that day at all. I'd suspect that something that dramatic would stay in ones mind, yet it is not there. I remember running through a storm door at age 5, but can't remember the punch? anyway.
Now being diagnosed with Bi-polar type II and not chronic depression, the meds have changed and I do better, but I still cycle through bouts of depression every few weeks or months. I can see them better, but still have a lot of trouble turning them off. Even if we say it to ourselves the words, "cheer up" just don't work on their own.
I sit here at work with several tasks that need done, yet I don't care. The shining light in my eyes right now is Shadow. I find the total lack of a care in the world refreshing. He plays with such abandon, he gets so much attention every morning we play Frisbee and he gets treats. He knows how to bend the rules too. Like dropping it 5' away and making us go get it. Or laying down with it and saying, "go ahead, just try to take it from me"...I wish I could find that place. The one were it is all good. or at least mostly good. Sometimes I can see the rainbow, it is reflected in his eyes.