Welcome, Friend!

It looks like you're new here. If you want to get involved, click one of these buttons!

Veritas-Health LLC has recently released patient forums to our Arthritis-Health web site.

Please visit http://www.arthritis-health.com/forum

There are several patient story videos on Spine-Health that talk about Arthritis. Search on Patient stories
Protect anonymity
We strongly suggest that members do not include their email addresses. Once that is published , your email address is available to anyone on the internet , including hackers.

All discussions and comments that contain an external URL will be automatically moved to the spam queue. No external URL pointing to a medical web site is permitted. Forum rules also indicate that you need prior moderator approval. If you are going to post an external URL, contact one of the moderators to get their approval.
Attention New Members
Your initial discussion or comment automatically is sent to a moderator's approval queue before it can be published.
There are no medical professionals on this forum side of the site. Therefore, no one is capable or permitted to provide any type of medical advice.
This includes any analysis, interpretation, or advice based on any diagnostic test

under the rainbow (where you can't see it)

WramblerWWrambler Posts: 1,588
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:47 AM in Depression and Coping
I started to post this elsewhere, but just can't put it on someone elses post as I now find myself more curious as to if others have been in this place, the one below.

I had a day many years ago now, about 15 to be exact, I was a stay-at-home dad and my 3 year old needed nasal surgery. I had been the one with him through thick and thin, my wife worked and was home regular hours, but I was primary care giver. When he needed to be put into twilight to do a Head MRI we were asked if one or both of us were going to be in the room and of course I said, "both". My 3 year old said to me, "I don't want you there, I only want mom."

I remember the mental pain and the rest of that day as a fog. The week leading up to his surgery is a blur. I could not stop hearing those words. The day following his surgery I remember nothing at all, nothing. I know I got up and went to run errands. I returned home about 9:00 that night! It's all a blank. I had been supposed to meet a guy at our house that morning to sell him a wood stove, I never made that apt. I never was, or have been able to tell my wife what happened. I tried to explain, but she just said, "he is only three". Sometimes it is not the messenger but the message that knocks us for a loop.

I completely understand how she felt, I saw it in her eyes for a long time. If we have a mental issue, such as addictions, depression, Bi-polar, etc, There can be a chain of events that just pushes us , Under the rainbow, gone.

I have wondered for many years what it would feel like to have a mental break, I think that I already know, I learned it 15 years ago. I had already been in therapy for depression 2 years or so when that day happened, so it's not like we didn't know I was having problems. It is rather interesting now that I see it for what it was. How does a mind blank that out? a whole day, gone, poof.

I also have a clue that it happened at least once before that. From classmates I learned that when I was in 4th grade a new kid picked a fight with me and punched me in the stomach knocking the wind out of me. The story was told that I just looked at him, sat back down and said nothing. This came from several sources, years later when we had become somewhat friends and I can not remember that day at all. I'd suspect that something that dramatic would stay in ones mind, yet it is not there. I remember running through a storm door at age 5, but can't remember the punch? anyway.

Now being diagnosed with Bi-polar type II and not chronic depression, the meds have changed and I do better, but I still cycle through bouts of depression every few weeks or months. I can see them better, but still have a lot of trouble turning them off. Even if we say it to ourselves the words, "cheer up" just don't work on their own.

I sit here at work with several tasks that need done, yet I don't care. The shining light in my eyes right now is Shadow. I find the total lack of a care in the world refreshing. He plays with such abandon, he gets so much attention every morning we play Frisbee and he gets treats. He knows how to bend the rules too. Like dropping it 5' away and making us go get it. Or laying down with it and saying, "go ahead, just try to take it from me"...I wish I could find that place. The one were it is all good. or at least mostly good. Sometimes I can see the rainbow, it is reflected in his eyes.


  • I've been there ... alot. I know that depression, in all it's forms, runs in my family along with addiction. My family is also the type to say "suck it up" instead of looking for help.

    I've never looked for help. Lately I think alot about asking the doctors for a change in meds that would help but just can't bring myself to saying I need help. I tried to hint to the neurologist but he blew me off. I just can't see myself saying "I'm depressed".

    Like you I rely on my animals to provide unconditional love and encouragement. There is nothing better than a hug and a purr when things seem so blue. And that fur absorbs alot of tears.

    Don't get me wrong..I do enjoy living in the brilliance of the rainbow. But there are lots of times when I'm under that rainbow knowing that there is so much more.
  • Dear Wrambler...

    My goodness, this was a tear-jerker to read through. I am glad you didn't delete this and posted it. Many people can probably relate to what you have shared.

    The mind is an amazing thing. I don't know why it decides to black-out certain events in life, but from my own personal experience with one of my best friends being bi-polar... there are numerous events she does not remember. We've known each other since we were 13 years old, so that's 30 years. During those 30 years, we have seen each other through some very difficult times. There are just a handful of memories that are like "gone" from her conscious mind. Sometimes these memories will revisit her at night and they are so painful that it makes her afraid to fall back to sleep. Her sleeping patterns have been off for several years, despite having meds to take. Like you, she is fully functional and in appearance you would think she is on top of the world. But, she has some deep hurts... some that are too painful to address through psychotherapy.

    For many months now, we have been texting each other throughout the night. More nights than not... I am up battling whatever pain decides to strike, trying to find a comfortable position or just waiting around until the meds kick in. I'm not sure why she wakes up at 1:00am the majority of the time, but after 2 hours of texting each other, she can fall back to sleep until 6:00am. It makes me feel good to somehow help her through the night (that's a great song by Joe Walsh... Help Me Thru the Night), as she has always helped me during some tough emotional times. She is an awesome grief intervention counselor and has helped so many people. I'll never forget the time she talked a man out of releasing a hostage he had held up in his house to the authorities... and then she was able to talk this man into putting down his gun and walk outside so he could get help for his problems. It was a nail biting episode on the evening news. She is absolutely amazing with helping others, but when it comes to her own personal issues... it's a different scenario. Like you, she's on that cycle you mention. She knows when the bad part of it is starting and all she can do is pretty much just ride it out. I have learned throughout the years to remind her that the bad part will pass, it is a part of that cycle and better days will be coming soon. She seems to take comfort when I remind her of that. I would never tell her to "just cheer up", as I know that would frustrate her beyond belief because it doesn't work that way with being bi-polar. Getting through that bad cycle is exhausting and it takes everything in her to push through it and simply function as normal, as humanly possible.

    Under the rainbow for her, is her darling children. They are still young... ages 6 and 9. They bring her unbelievable joy and she is a fantastic mother. She has the strength to never let her bad cycles interfere with the well-being of her children. She has their dad who can step in more during those times, in addition to her mother and her brother. They all live walking distance from each other, which is nice.

    As you stare at your list of tasks to do, all I can tell you is that this is part of your cycle and better days are nearing.

    Thanks for sharing and keep thinking about Shadow.

    Hugs to you, my friend,

    Tammy >:D<
  • Thank you for giving me something to chew on. It is a profound grief that grabs hold and doesnt let go, but there are days of light. Hang in there and do your best for yourself, give a little light back, you give, but you must give to yourself to keep the wellspring full.

    I have a memory that cant forget, well sort of... every painfull moment in my life is right there, ready to shred me when I am down. the memory loss I have had helps soome but not all the pain.

    As John would tell you "Be good to Yourself"
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

Sign In or Register to comment.