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How do you deal with "dark" thoughts?

Will I AmWWill I Am Posts: 43
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:47 AM in Chronic Pain
After what is seeming more and more like a failed fusion, I have found myself in a dark place. Obviously, the first step would be to talk to someone about it. My only problem with that is, if I talk to somebody about it, I am afraid I will get my meds cut-off.

I have gone the anti-depressant pill route to "mask" it, but I find myself thinking about it more and more.

I also have quit drinking altogether since that is what seems to make it worse, but it still seems to be on my mind a good amount of time.

At the end of all of my "thoughts", it always ends up the same. I would never do that to my wife, ever. I could never burden her with that pain.

The main problem, I suppose, is just the recurrent thoughts, over and over. I have picked up some hobbies and such, but even when I am doing those, it is still there.

Any pro-tips from those going through the same thing? I would really appreciate it.


  • First of all, what meds are you on? Remember that antidepressants AND many anti-seizure medications can lead to suicidal ideation as a side effect. So, the first step would, actually, be to tell your doctor and get off of any med that would have a side effect of suicidal ideation.

    Secondly, please know that this isn't "normal" depression. You should find a therapist immediately to help you with this. If the thoughts are increasing, the need is faster than immediate.

    Thirdly, have you gotten a second opinion on your fusion?
  • Maybe you should seek out a pain mgmt dr, and have a spinal cord stimulator or drug pump put in. Unfortunaly our spouses go through the pain with us. I have recently seen a new pm and the first thing he said was spinal cord stimulator, if I had fusion it would only be a 6o% chance it would help. Everyone has to go through a psycological exam, because of course pain causes depression and the longer you suffer the greater the pain will get and the more drugs to keep it under control. FOr me this is finaly the light at the end of the tunnell, my other pms said fuse first. Im awaiting my psych eval, then trial. I hope you find the answers your looking for. good luck Rose
  • Hey Will,

    I know you see many of us here whom seem to doing fine with the chronic pain we live in daily. But I can tell you that didn't happen over night, it was a process. I think all of us can say when we first landed in this position we had similar feelings and like you weren't going to carry it out, but the thoughts were there. Being in chronic pain is hard work. If you are one whom is still on the roller coaster where your having huge pain spikes and then some good days it makes it harder on the roller coaster. But understand it was a process to get to this point. I like to liken it to loosing a loved one in that you need to grieve.

    I myself encourage you to talk to us here as we all understand it and to also go talk to a professional. But keep in mind there is good and bad counselors out there as well. But talking to someone will help and you may discover things you never thought of. I realize it is a hard step but it does help to talk about it. I good counselor will understand that depression does happen when you live in chronic pain. They can also help you find ways to better express the way you fell and how to cope with it.

    Just because you need help dealing with the depression that comes with chronic pain doesn't mean you have any mental illness, it is a natural to get depressed about things that you can't do and the pain you live in daily.

    But know one thing we are always here to listen, but unfortunately none of us are trained and a good one on one with someone would do you good. But keep writing and know we do truly understand how you feel.
  • I am on a 24 hour release morphine, and dilaudid as needed. I quit taking the "head" pills earlier this year.

    I realize it isn't normal at all, but my fear of the therapist is the word getting around that I may be a "risk", and pull my meds.

    As far as the second opinion. Yes I have. However, we all know how it goes. Wait 3 weeks for Cat Scan, wait 3 weeks to see Dr, dr orders EMG, wait 3 weeks for that, make follow up with dr to go over EMG 3 weeks later. It goes on and on.
  • Thank you TamTam. Unfortunately the pain portion of this has been going well over 10 years. I waited as long as I could safely wait before surgery. Now that I had surgery, I feel as if I am worse.

    MRI shows a pedicle screw touching a nerve, lots of scar tissue impinging nerves, and out of the blue I have a herniated L1-T12.

    The initial findings on the EMG from yesterday were "Moderate" problems pointing to L4-L5, L5-S1 (the fused area).

    I am hoping these are good things, because sometimes the wait is because the Drs can't SEE anything. Fortunately there are things that they see, so I am holding out for hope.

    Thank you very much for your responses. I realize I am not alone, and that helps.
  • Just know that there is never a time when suicidal ideation is not a serious issue. If you go to a psychological professional, what you say to him/her should be confidential. But this issue, like any medical issue, is one in which board members should be encouraging you to seek professional assistance rather than internet diagnostics.

    You know, I read on another forum that Dilaudid can have a depressive effect. Just something to think about.
  • Is there a Pain Management group at your PM's office? Or a chronic pain Psychologist to speak with there? I had an online Counselor through my work benefits that has helped me and followed 'positive affirmations' to change my negative scripts. I've heard of biofeedback helping as well. I know I have to come here most everyday for over two years to get the support and encouragement to keep going and you will find others who have overcome with proper medications and counseling. Have you had a second opinion Surgeon to see how he could help you? Prayers for you and your healing. Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • Will I have been near that edge a few times. Nothing serious but that random thought that it would be so much easier to give up. And then, like you, I think about my family and (don't laugh) my cats.

    I've tried to talk to several doctors about this. Everytime they turn the conversation. I swear I could stand on the table and shout and they would ignor me.

    What I find helps is being with people and feeling needed or successful. And not necessarily together. You mentioned hobbies, but do you do these alone or as part of a group? What about volunteering? It's a great way to be needed and be with people.

    Maybe a change in your meds will do the trick. I just started nortriptyline to replace the neurontin. Hoping that maybe the anti-depressant side might chase those thoughts away.

    HB is right that professional help is very important. YOu should also speak with your wife. Make sure she knows what is going on so she can keep an eye on you.

    I hope it helps to know you aren't alone.
  • Will,
    Negative thought are part of the pain cycle and we all have them to some extent, the important thing is to acknowledge that you are having them and try to find at how they are created specifically for you and address that cause. That is better than denying yourself that room to improve and one thing is not to catastrophise when small ideas illuminated in our thoughts feeling and emotion become restrictions and barriers to change and improvement.

    What things do you worry about is it the same things that concern us all, although it may not be possible to eradicate all our negative thoughts given the right help, support and encouragement we can manage it more effectively. Most of that depression medication is to get us over our lowest points and help us help ourselves. Our PM residential suggested we keep a record of how we were feeling and what was causing these thoughts and try to evaluate a more positive outcome, even through our continual pain.

    You have been brave and courageous in telling us your inner thoughts on the basis that you may need some professional help, many here have been where you are and survived, if we can survive pain everyday and we can, then we have the durability to devise with guidance all the tools needed in our own person toolbox to improve.

    Who supports and encourages you to do positive things, hobbies and distraction are great techniques to deflect some of those thought and we have to separate what may happen from what will, which without the passage of time is very difficult, you are motivated and that is always a good strategy. Have those thoughts become less frequent.

    My own failed fusion should not be used as a measure of others experience and did I know when the reality that this would be a lifelong condition, it is perhaps impossible for the severity of continual pain not to make us think and have these thoughts. My own depression episode is now behind me and with that experience I have learn to identify when it may be approaching and implement all those new techniques and strategies I have learned over 20 years to keep my outlook progressive. Managing pain is a team event.

    Take care Will, that on and on comment made me smile, so you have helped me today.

  • but I just wanted to say that I have had episodes of depression in the past. It's a vicious circle, whatever the initial cause, because once you're down, it's so difficult to pick yourself up - alone.

    I've had a couple of episodes in my life which caused depression. Losing my mum when she and my dad were in Florida celebrating their 50th anniversary 10 years ago. I couldn't deal with the fact that she 'never came back'. I did end up having professional counselling sessions (although I didn't believe in getting that sort of help at first). It really did help to 'offload' to someone who was detached from my life.

    Also, having suffered chronic back pain for 5 years made me feel totally worthless sometimes. Unable to contribute to my family's lives and having to take morphine on a daily basis 'did my head in' sometimes. I felt I was such a burden on my family. I also believe that when I was feeling depressed, the morphine tended to 'highten' the feelings I had. I couldn't 'pull myself together' or 'shake it off' like I had before and it concerned me when my feelings started to get really 'dark'. I discussed my feelings with my local GP (who has supported me throughout these 5 years and I felt I could talk to him quite openly). He gave me a different perspective on things, encouraged me to try different avenues I hadn't thought of before and he tried very hard to change my medication until I could control the back pain more effectively.

    I now concentrate on the things I CAN do, rather than what I can't do. Does that make sense?

    A professional counseller, as someone else explained, keeps your discussions confidential (unless they really do have concerns about you, in which case they should ask you if you agree for them to refer you on to a different team - they should't do anything without your knowledge/agreement) and it's really beneficial (in my experience) to be able to talk through all your emotions with an individual who is totally detached from your life. They are trained to ask the right questions and to extract the right information from you and process your answers. They can give unbias support and possibly provide recommendations/suggestions on how you can move forward - slowly, bit by bit.

    I really hope you can find an outlet to be able to express yourself - whether that is consulting your doctor to review your pain meds, seeking professional counselling sessions, letting off steam on forums such as this, phoning a counselling helpline (we have the Samaritans in the UK) or being able to chat to someone you trust. Just don't wait until you feel any worse, please!!!

    Take care and G-d bless
    2 x Microdiscectomy 2005 / PLIFusion 2-level 2010 / revision surgery 2011 / NEVRO Senza spinal cord stimulator implanted February 2013. I WILL NOT GIVE IN / UP !!
  • Your original post was about how we deal with the dark thoughts. I have them, lately it seems more often, but they never go past the "I wish it (I) could just go away" stage. Right now I feel like I have no one that understands so I come here and I begin to feel better that there are others like me and there are ways to manaage through this. That is how I deal.

    I am thinking counseling would be a good thing to do soon as well. It really does help.

  • I would also suggest breaching this subject w/ your PM doc, and see what his/her response is. Im a social worker (although I work w/ juvenile victims of abuse/neglect) and Im wondering if your stuck in the angry/guilt phase of the whole healing process. I wish I could say with having the amount of psych. knowledge that I do, that it can make things easier - it doesn't. I get upset,depressed - and then I feel like I can "work through it" or "other people have it worse than I do", so I often don't speak up either. I am blessed that I have a great support system (Hubby, co-workers - some who are also good friends) who canm spot when I get more withdrawn and need someone to talk to. Do you have anyone who you can be brutally honest with? Do you think that if you tell your PM doc a little about whats going on, and get a favorbale reaction that he/she could refer you to someone to talk more?
  • I can’t offer you much advice, but I can tell you that you are NOT alone in your thoughts. I still toy with it from time to time, but I am pretty sure at this stage, I won’t do it. I could see it getting to that point again, but for now it is o.k.
    For months, I thought about it, planned it, one day I was in so much pain at work, so miserable, hating work, and other things that I decided I had just had enough. I went out and got in my truck (I have a concealed weapon permit and weapon in there) and decided I’d follow thru. Drive about 20 minutes up into some remote mountains and walk as far as I could, then blow my brains out where my family would never have to see it. I was headed up the road and my daughter called me on my cell. I could here my grandson chattering in the background. I never told her that her call saved my life – but it did. Since then I think everyday, o.k. if I would have done that, I would have missed this, or I would have missed that and that would have really pissed me off to miss that.
    Maybe you could try that? Everyday, think of just a few things that you would have really hated to miss that happened to you. Also, the bible and God’s word is a great healer for me. If you want to PM me privately with your e-mail, I will send you a link to the most amazing morning inspirational message I signed up for and get every morning. “Here is an example below” Take care, you are not alone o.k.

    Monday, September 27, 2010
    Your prayers have an impact
    by Rick Warren

    "God hears us whenever we ask Him and we know also that He gives us what we ask from Him." 1 John 5:15 (GNT)
    Prayer can do whatever God can do. His resources are available to you. Twenty times in the New Testament it says, "Ask."
    Do you ever wonder if prayer really works? You're praying about something and Satan whispers to you, "This is a waste of time. Forget it! Who do you think you are? What do you think you're doing? God is not listening. Don't waste your time."
    Prayer works because God is in control. The basis of all miracles is God's sovereignty. Why does He do one and not another? Because God is in control. We have to trust His wisdom and His goodness.
    Ephesians 3:20 says, "God is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of, infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts or hopes."(LB)
    Prayer can do whatever God can do. His resources are available to you. Twenty times in the New Testament it says, "Ask." It's encouraging to know that things that are out of my control are not out of God's. I may not be able to change a situation but I can pray and God can change it.
    I know exactly what some of you are thinking right now. "If I can pray and ask God to change things and if God is really in control of everything, why don't I get everything I pray for?" Good question. Here are three reasons:
    1) God is not a genie. You don't put in a prayer, rub a thing and get whatever you want. If every prayer were answered we'd be spoiled brats. Do you give your children everything they ask for? I hope not. You know what's best for them. You can see the bigger picture. If you can see the bigger picture for your kids, how much bigger is the picture God can see?
    2) Sometimes Christians pray in conflict. You get two Christians praying at the Super Bowl for different teams. Who's God going to answer? Obviously, God can't answer every prayer at the same time.
    But I think the real reason is this:
    3) God knows what's best and you don't. If you think you do, that is very presumptuous. First John 5:14 tells us, "We are sure that He (God) hears us if we ask Him for anything that's according to His will."(GNT) Look at the phrase "according to His will." The attitude of your prayer needs to be: "Lord, this is my prayer request, but Thy will be done." That's what Jesus prayed, "Lord if it's possible, let this cup pass from me. Nevertheless let Thy will..." (Luke 22:42).

  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,859
    Move over to the bright side!

    No matter what situation we face, we have the power to allow us to move away from the dark side, or deal with it and stay on the light side.

    How is that done?

    I wish I could provide a formula for all of us to use.
    The only sure thing I know, is if we allow the dark side to take over, we have just sentenced ourselves and our loved ones to a cruel and ugly life.

    That being said, we can find ways that work for each of us to get away from the dark and cruel world.

    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • I'm afraid it just isn't always that simple. Sometimes you can't just wish it away, tho it would be nice to be able too. Deep depression is not something you can just snap out of I don't believe..
  • my father in law was {and he hung himself without warning to us and one of his daughter is a fully trained CPN}i get down and upset with my inability to do stuff but i am able to cope with it because i have my wife .i think if i was on my own life would be different ,some people have a tendency to get genuine depression {it tends to run in families} i hope i never find myself in such a position where i feel i have no options left .i have been through some awful things in my 44 years {not all medical} i lived on the streets for a period when i was a teenager due to my alcoholic mother and wayward father not wanting me or my brothers .long story !.
    always try to find some good in what the day brings ..how ever hard ..
  • I think "IF" you are lucky enough to have a significant other that you really feel at least "tries" to understand and is somewhat compasionate, that can make ALL the difference in the world. If you are wading thru this $hithole by yourself however, you can get overwhelmed. This is a hard hand to play, and especially when your all alone with it... Your wife sounds pretty amazing. Actually, when I read your posts sometimes when you talk about her, I am sure we can all hear the love in your words for her. That is awesome and as it should be. SO - even tho you have your issues, in some regard you are still a lucky Bassfisherman! LOL!
  • she took me on knowing that i was ill so there were no surprises ..i don't think that she thought things would have got so bad over the years ,and even tho she is a trained nurse/midwife .health visitor and now a health manager /health visitor she is still my wife and i her husband and we still find ill health a struggle as many people with no medical background would .i think that the nursing background tends to denote a caring background anyway.once a nurse always a nurse ..{mind you i have met some right bar stewards nurses in my time too they are not all Florence nightingale! my ex wife was a nice girl and still is but she just could not cope with an ill husband ..so after 12 years we sadly split ..we are still very good friends and more like brother and sister {and we have a daughter together so we are in regular contact } she has become more caring over the years !! typical
  • As one that has gone from being a "glass half full" kind of person to it must be the "wrong size glass entirely," I totally understand how your state of mind can and does change.

    Chronic Pain changes so much of your life. Oh, and this "Hurry and Wait" game. It's enough to drive the sane to insanity at warp speed.

    IMO, there is a difference between Dark Thoughts and depression. Both usually require help to successfully beat.

    There is definitely no shame in seeking help for either.

    The question was, "How do you deal with dark thoughts?" I sought immeadiate help!
    Depending on your definition of "Dark thoughts" they should be taken very seriously. If they are suicial in anyway I would urge anyone to seek assistance immediately. I also cannot stress enough to take a good look at the drugs you are taking and be absolutely sure they are not contributing to those thoughts. (It has happened to me twice.) Please just be sure!

    With that said...

    I agree with Ron, we need to move over to the bright side. Unfortunately, in most folks experience, it's just not as easy as it sounds and quite often requires expert help.

    I think it's safe to say none of us can just watch a video and then attempt a fusion or hardware removal. (Yeah, just take that screw driver honey and pull those screws out. The rods, they'll just fall right out. I'd do it myself but I just can't reach.) Yet, we think we are capable of just fixing the complexity of the mind and what makes it tick without expert assistance. (I know I've been guilty of it myself.)

    Will, How are you?
  • I imagine so many of us have had a thought or two about just wanted the pain to end. Pain comes in many forms. For us spineys we are certainly dealing with the physical aspects of pain and not always considering the emotional toil this takes on us. I know many of us are thriving on little if any sleep which can contribute to depression more than we even know. Our meds, while necessary to have any quality of life can also alter our thinking. With this said, and it tears me up to even talk about this but this spine forum has become my family so I feel I have to dig deep and tell you about my beloved mother who committed suicide when I was 19 years old. I will never know truly what was going through her mind at the time she took her life accept that her emotional pain was more than she could bear. She was seeing a psychologist at the time but her depression kept getting worse. This act forever changed the lives of our entire family. Did it put her out of her misery, no doubt. But left my dad, my sister and myself with a life of sadness, guilt and pain. Wondering what if anything could or should we have done to make her life worth living. Please seek out counseling asap! It's what you have to do to save not only yourself but your family. A day does not go by when this pain will ever go away. I can and will handle the pain from my injuries as hard as it gets. At times I feel so worthless and afraid to ever become a burden on my family but having said that I will push forward. The love I have for my husband and children and myself will get me through this. If I have any doubts whatsoever I will seek help right away. It's one thing for us chronic pain spineys to have our dark days, it's quite another to cause our dear spouses, children and friends to be put in a Dark Place for eternity. In no way am I trying to be unfair or unkind as I said we have all had feelings even if for a moment. But we are not in this alone and there are so many others to consider. So if anyone gets to this dark side of life please consider what I have written. There is no pain greater than losing someone you love so dearly and need so badly (no matter what condition they are in) to put other's through a life of sadness and pain.
    My heart will be broken forever and that is something no medication take the pain away from.
    Maybe I am being selfish, I am not sure but just had to post my feelings on this Dark subject and I pray I haven't offended anyone. You are all very special to me and I believe finding this support group has helped me in so many ways.
    If anyone at all needs to speak to someone please feel free to PM me I would never make anyone feel guilty for their feelings I would just listen.
  • That puts things in persepctive doesn't it. I guess that is one of the reasons I have been hesitant and tried to get over it when I feel so overcome. I have talked to my daughter about it, and I believe she knows if that were to happen, it would have nothing to do with her. Her husband tried to commit suicide years before they met and he and I have had many conversations. In many ways, HE has been my rock at times. I remember being in Vegas and so upset because I hurt so bad and my husband was being a complete jerk, yelling at me, screaming, he finally got so mad he just left the trailer and I called Tyson bawling like a baby. God he was so good to me and talked me through things. He is the best son-in-law and what a difference he has made in my life. This little 31 year old boy, I am almost 50, counseling his momma. He told me, you know how devastated my wife would be mom, you have got to just push thru it and keep pushing till you get thru it and you will. He reminded me how fortunate he was that he was unsuccessful (he shot himself) and survived it to meet my daughter and have this beautiful baby boy with her. He's young tho - what does he know... No, I'm just kidding! I know he's right, and that is what we each have to remember, there ARE others that would be affected. My 17 year old son still lives at home and he is so good to his momma. looking back I don't know how I could even contemplate doing something like that to him. He doesn't deserve that. Thank You Jan, your words have much meaning for me and certainly no offense. I think it's so awesome that people can truly open up their hearts and minds here. This is a great place.
  • night at three am ,the trick is to make you life as comfy as you can in my case i just get out of bed {in agony} and come downstairs take pain killers make a drink put on TENS get as comfy as i can on my recliner and try to fall asleep again ..in the old days i just used to lay there in the dark crying as quietly as i could so i did not wake kath ..its just not worth it ..get out of bed and do as i do ..if you are feeling a bit low in the day .maybe take a shower a swim if you can even for the more able bodied go for a walk . or try to do something positive in a day i try to do something as simple as a bit of house work {there a sense of pride when you have done something yourself} if i am feeling very good and the weather good my pride and joy {my 4x4} gets the full treatment ..this may take me all day taking regular brakes to recover but when i see it gleaming its worth all the hard work .or maybe to some this may be too mush so read a book or watch your favorite film or sitcom ..i am looking forward to the last few episodes of two and a half man {we have had to wait nearly a year in the UK to see them i know that you USA has already seen them .but sitting there wont help .and there's always someone on here that will listen to you
  • I, for one, have NOT been offended at all by your sincere attempt to help and support "Will I Am" and others by recounting painful episodes in your life. My heart goes out to you especially and to anyone who suffers depression for whatever reasons.

    We all come from different backgrounds with different life experiences and it's a testament to Spine-Health's forum that we can feel free to express ourselves as openly/closed as we deem fit in order to support each other without fear of reprisal (well, unless it's for advertising, slander or pornography and the like!).

    I am sure we appreciate that people give their opinions/comments from a personal point of view, and therefore, if there are issues that need resolving medically/physically/emotionally/socially, then professional help should be sought.

    I am concerned though that 'Will I Am' has not responded to any of these posts. Does anyone know him personally (or his email address)?

    If you're out there 'Will I Am', would you please let us know that you are OK ????
    2 x Microdiscectomy 2005 / PLIFusion 2-level 2010 / revision surgery 2011 / NEVRO Senza spinal cord stimulator implanted February 2013. I WILL NOT GIVE IN / UP !!
  • Hello. Sorry I have not responded in a while. I am ok, and have just been a little down the past week or so.

    Thank you all for your responses. I do value all of them, and appreciate them. I do wish that I could "flip" it off and be happy, but I can't seem to do that.

    I will continue to fight, and I hope all of you here (and those reading that don't post) will continue to do so as well.

    It feels good to know that I am not alone. I like ANYTHING that makes me feel 1/4 normal!

    I will come back on when I have a bit more time.
  • Will,
    I know you are having a difficult time but am glad to see you will continue the fight. It is hard to be happy all the time and I don't know anyone who is especially those of us who are dealing with chronic pain and depression. It's not an easy thing to deal with. But I pray you will seek out help if things ever get to "Dark" there are so many professionals who are well equipped to deal with chronic pain and depression.
    It is so hard for any of us to see one of our fellow spiney's suffering both physically and emotionally. Will we are here for you at any time. Someone is on here night and day and I know would be happy to listen to anything you have on your mind. Many have had the same dark thoughts and could help you. If you ever need a friend to talk to please PM me. I am certainly not a dr. nor a counselor but am here for you all the same. We are all here to help one another get through the rough times and may have to turn to you one day for support.
  • Years ago I was sitting in my house with a bad flare up after doing some work around the house. As I sat there I started thinking about how long I had been in constant pain and realized it had been just about 4 years. Then I thought to myself that I could probably only stand about 4 more years before I would have to end it. I never dreamed how much worse the pain would get.

    As the years went on I actually thought that this idea gave me some sort of solace, just knowing when you have had enough there is a way out.

    Then about one year ago I finally decided that I was never going to do it. It took me a while to adjust to my new way of thinking but I really think it has made my attitude better. I have made it over 15 years now and I'm still waiting for the "cure". You never know, maybe someday soon they will invent a magic drug, or procedure or find a "switch" to turn the pain off.

    So if your are thinking the way I did, about the easy way out, try thinking about living for a while instead.

    Lastly, I want to thank the admin. here for letting this topic be discussed. A lot of forums would instantly delete any suicide talk but I think it's a real part of chronic pain and can't be ignored.


  • I have been there too and I definately can't say I'm out the otherside. I get so angry sometimes. I look at pictures of myself "before" and that can make me burst into tears. On the days I can drive I've been known to scream as loud as I can get get the anger and frustration out. Like others have said I always think about my husband and family. They have been so supportive how can I hurt them? Then there is always "hope".

    No, gotta keep keeping on. This Forum has really helped me. Didn't realise how many "good guys" there are out there!

    Will, you have my support. Thinking of you.

  • Maybe because as a teenager I seriously considered doing the nasty (suicide), I use those emotions to remind me that..."no one can cause YOU to give YOU the death penalty, given to me from a wise friend of a 15 year old!!! I use that to keep me from thinking thoughts that low. With continuous and chronic pain, I hear ya!!!

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Will I Am,
    In reality we all want the pain to stop and once it continues well beyond when we expected it to stop, it is never easy or simple. You are working hard to help yourself in identifying that you thought drinking itself was not helping and have changed your strategy to address and evaluates this alternative route.

    We are only human and seeing some finality as the solution is an understandable thought given our current challenges, even in your need you are thinking of others and that is beneficial, the key is once having recognised those thoughts to get the appropriate help, support and guidance, if what you are doing now is not addressing your problem than change it and you have helped many here where similar thoughts did or can exist however fleeting.

    Do you have someone to talk about these issues, that observation that even though you have hobbies and some distraction techniques they are not helping overall ?

    The more we talk, debate and support this specific issue the more at ease everyone will be in divulging what for the most part is information only known to us as an individual, my own grandfather could have done with someone to talk to and a kind word and listening ear would have benefitted him greatly at that time.

    As Mouse said, even seasoned patients have periodic flashes and similar thoughts, for many it is a facet of the chronic pain cycle, I applaud the fact that you are already seeing how others have similar experiences and have something beneficial to offer, in strategy, word or deed.

    Seek out professional support and get the help you need to move forward, keep that image of your wife visible and the knowledge that they are on your side and wishing they could do more. It is good that we see some of ourselves in others and aspire to help, support and encourage them proportionate to the needs that they currently have, in holding metaphorical hands to each other, we are all strengthened through that kinship.

    Take care. John.
  • If it were as simple as flipping a switch - wouldn't we all? Who would choose to feel like that. I am so fortunate, it only hits me a few times a year, but I cannot imagine feeling like that for any length of time. A week is oodles of misery. It is so hard because every single thing, the smallest most trivial things seem like such a huge ordeal. It is very hard. I hope you can find some answers and some relief - because it sucks the big one. There are a lot of people here that do care and you are definately not alone in your pain. Take care, and best wishes - Marion
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