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Please let me vent and cry here

blackberrybunnybblackberrybunny Posts: 157
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:47 AM in Lower Back Pain
Oh Lord, I don't know how much longer I can hang in here, the pain has been so bad lately. No one wants to hear me grunting and groaning and crying. Last night was the worst pain ever, with me ending up writhing on the bed, screaming and crying and hollering in pain.

I'm so glad I don't have any kids.... but my poor husband! He is beside himself with worry at times like this, and no one can do anything to help me. This time, mom can't make the hurt go away. :(

I keep thinking how easy it would be to swallow a few too many of these morphine pills and make it all go away. I told my mom today I can't take this much more. Everyone is sick of hearing me complain of the pain. I'm losing friends because of it. No one calls or comes around to ask how I'm doing--it's always bad, or worse.

I have an appt. on the 14th with a new/different surgeon. I have 2 sequestered discs and a bulging disc in my lumbar. I'm in terrific pain and just wanted to get on here and vent. I am putting so much faith into this new dr. helping me, that I fear if he can't, it'll be the end of me for sure.

I seriously think sometimes that it would be easier to just overdose and end this. Mom is screaming she does not want me to have the horrifying multi level fusion, and I'm so desperate for pain relief I'm ready to go under the knife and get the 360' done.

What do you do when you reach the end of your rope? How do you hang on when there isn't much to hang onto? Do you know what's keeping me from overdosing right now? Guilt. Isn't that crazy. I feel guilty over the ensuing pain and sorrow I would cause to my mom and husband. Isn't that crazy? Why would that matter to me if I was dead anyways? Does anyone else feel this way sometimes?



  • MetalneckMetalneck Island of Misfit toysPosts: 1,364
    and yes others do know how you feel and what you are going through. Are you seeing or have you been seeing a mental health type counsler to help deal with the psychological aspects of chronic pain and life in general?? If not I can tell you that it has helped me greatly to have another and different type of therapy.

    I need as many professsionals on my side as possible to keep me moving forward. Suicidal ideation is not something to be taken lightly .... please consider adding yet another professional to your team STAT if you don't have one as of yet ... If you do all ready
    have one .... please contact him or her and make an appointment ... and let them know were you are at


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  • BBB,

    Please vent away! Like Dave said, many of us have "been there", and it truly sucks. As to surgery, you have to do what is best for YOU. Your hubby, nor your mom has this unrelenting pain! Look out for number 1 as they say. Ditto from what Dave said - STAT.

    Have you told any of your doctors what this pain is starting to push you into, what you've been thinking? You need to let them know ASAP. None of us want to hear you are gone, okay? I wish I could scoop you up and give you a huge supporting bear hug woman!! Please let your doctor know - he might hook you up with a mental health doctor who specializes in chronic pain. *HUGZ*

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • hey Balck Berry Bunny, you know what? I said to myself, quite a few times lately: "where did BBB go?? I was getting worried, then to see your post I REALLY got concerned.

    I realize you are in a bad place right now, many of us spineys have been there too, but there are people out there/therapists that can help. Please reach out to someone. We are here for you but you also need to let your family know what is going on with you. Help is out there. Please keep us posted on how you are doing,

  • Like the others have said, we totally understand and if there was anything we could do to ease your pain and make life more tolerable we would in a minute! I guess the best we can do at the moment is hold your hand via this forum. Someone will be here around the clock, so please know that you are not alone.

    I thought my PM doc was trying to shove me off when he recommended I speak to a pain therapist. I went only because I was willing to try anything to find relief. I was shocked to find out how understanding and helpful the therapist could be.

    I wish I knew more to say. Hold on, we are here with you.

  • Thanks for the supportive words, you guys. I sure appreciate it. I was scared to come back to this post to see what everyone might say. Felt so ashamed after posting it. And here I am, at 3:30 a.m., awake because of the monster in my back.

    I'm in a really bad way because we live so rurally. You have to drive over an hour or more to get anywhere, yet alone a psychiatrist, and the REAL problem is that I am legally blind and have never been able to drive. Mom lives 20 miles away and my husband works. I'm stuck at home, alone, all day. Mom takes me to my appts, but it's too much for her sometimes. She is getting elderly and it's a bitch to have to ask your elderly mom to drive you around, especially when you are 42 years old! It's humiliating and heartbreaking to me.

    I called my pain management doctor yesterday crying, desperate for relief, something......anything. She asked me, "Can you come in?" and I said "No--I'm the one that can't drive, who always comes in with her mother..." and she said she was sorry, but some new laws just passed and she can't send me out anything unless I actually come in and see her. So I'm not going to have enough pain pills to last until Monday, when my appt. is. I just needed a few extra pills to get me through until then, now she tells me to make them stretch, and to take 200mg motrin, up to 3 at a time, three times a day.

    Can't wait to talk to this new dr. on the 14th. I will definitely be asking for some mental help also.

    Thanks everyone, without your support I'd really be on the verge of catastrophe'. Sometimes, it feels like the Internet is all I've got--when you live so rurally and can't get out and be independent. I may not know any of you face to face, but I sure can feel the love. Thanks everyone. I need your support more than you know right now. :::HUGS:::
  • Wow - it sounds like your going through a really bad patch right now, blackberrybunny. I know what you mean about feeling bad having to have your mom take you to the doctor. Sometimes I'm too bad to drive, and I need my mother, who also has spine problems (and a load of other bad stuff) to take me. It can be quite embarrassing! We need family at times like this, though, and you shouldn't feel bad about it if you can't drive yourself due to your eyesight problems, so try not to beat yourself up over it.

    Being in constant pain and isolated as well makes it all the more difficult to cope, psychologically as much as physically. It's great to have friends here on SH who can understand and give support too (even if it is from a distance, so to speak). Take care, and hope you get some extra relief soon.
  • I'm so sorry BBB that youn are in this horrific pain that is uncontrolled. It sounds like you really need your pain meds adjusted as well...at least untill you get to your surgery. I knw it will be haard to make your meds stretch, but you have to do that or you'll go thru withdrawls and you can not handle that right now.

    I think most of us have needed mental health help to deall with the chronic pain.. I too at times have thought that maybe things would be better off without me being here...at least i would not have to suffer. But i could never go thru with it...like you there is guilt. it truely is a selfish act b/c all your loved ones would be devastated without you. They love you. When I start getting down about my pain, I push my focus on my kids and know that they not only need a mom, but need one who is involved and engaged in their lives. My hubby would probably need mental health services if i were gone too...so I don't really have the thought;s too often...it'sn just when you are in pain, you really don't know how you are going to keep on going...it gets overwhelming...that's how i describe it for myself. Now, with you having a little plan of how you may do it, that worries me. Please...do think about your family and if it's 'guilt' that stops you, then so be it. You will not be in this much pain all nthe time...there are treatments that help and youn are on a low dose of ER med (morphine)...so your meds could be adjusted. I am currently thinking of getting the intrathecal pain pump. Just remember, you could be in a flair up and need steroids...I hope your doctor helps you when you go in and hope your new doctor gives you hope that you need.

    God bless you
  • I have heard of churches or other organizations in rural areas that will have volunteers who can drive folks to and from appointments. Not sure what you might have in your area, but heck at this point, anything is worth trying.

    I know what you mean about the Internet! When I first got hurt and was stranded at home for months, my computer was what I called "my window to the world". Without it I would have gone bonkers. At the time I was living on an island with no way of getting off, without a long flight and long car drive to the airport. I found all kinds of services that are both for hire and volunteer that provide assistance to those who are house bound. I'll keep my fingers crossed that you can find some!

  • Thank you so much, everybody. Your kind words and wishes for my well being have carried me through this day. I am feeling a little better today, the pain a tiny bit less.

    I feel so grateful for all of you guys, who can sympathize with me on this. I appreciate all of the comments.

    I'm gonna be alright! I'm hanging in here.
  • BBB,

    I'm so happy your spirits are back up, and pain is down. Hang in with us, you'll smile more, and guess what? A free non drug pain reducer - happier emotions! I get the feeling you are a lot stronger than even YOU give yourself credit for. Nudge, nudge...

    If this helps, try picturing all of us in a spiney support circle! Gentle *HUGZ* to ya woman!! :)

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
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