Oh Lord, I don't know how much longer I can hang in here, the pain has been so bad lately. No one wants to hear me grunting and groaning and crying. Last night was the worst pain ever, with me ending up writhing on the bed, screaming and crying and hollering in pain.
I'm so glad I don't have any kids.... but my poor husband! He is beside himself with worry at times like this, and no one can do anything to help me. This time, mom can't make the hurt go away.
I keep thinking how easy it would be to swallow a few too many of these morphine pills and make it all go away. I told my mom today I can't take this much more. Everyone is sick of hearing me complain of the pain. I'm losing friends because of it. No one calls or comes around to ask how I'm doing--it's always bad, or worse.
I have an appt. on the 14th with a new/different surgeon. I have 2 sequestered discs and a bulging disc in my lumbar. I'm in terrific pain and just wanted to get on here and vent. I am putting so much faith into this new dr. helping me, that I fear if he can't, it'll be the end of me for sure.
I seriously think sometimes that it would be easier to just overdose and end this. Mom is screaming she does not want me to have the horrifying multi level fusion, and I'm so desperate for pain relief I'm ready to go under the knife and get the 360' done.
What do you do when you reach the end of your rope? How do you hang on when there isn't much to hang onto? Do you know what's keeping me from overdosing right now? Guilt. Isn't that crazy. I feel guilty over the ensuing pain and sorrow I would cause to my mom and husband. Isn't that crazy? Why would that matter to me if I was dead anyways? Does anyone else feel this way sometimes?