Hi guys. This is probably going to be long so I'm not going to start from the beginning but if you read my first post mentioned above - then you already know my story.
I don't even know where to start so I'll just start where I left off.
A few weeks ago, in addition to my chronic back pain, I had a headache so bad that even though my family (including my husband) didn't want me to take pain meds I got a scrip anyway (for 15 Lortab).
Meanwhile, I am in a pain management clinic and under the "care" of a pmd (who hasn't prescribed me anything). While I was at the doc for my headache, I called my pmd and asked the nurse if this doc could prescribe me something for my headache or if that would be a violation of the pain med contract. She said in these types of circumstances, it was not a violation. So I did everything I thought I was supposed to.
Well, a few days later, I decided I would talk to my pmd about getting a scrip for my pain to take on an as-needed basis since my problem before had to do with me turning into a zombie due to the Fentanyl patches I was on and getting very irritable. My pmd then calls and says I'm in violation of my contract!!! I explained everything and thought we were on the same page until today.
A little more background: since starting the clinic, here is what I've been told both in class and one-on-one by the docs: a common side-effect of round-the-clock meds is that they can make you zombie out sometimes; some patients' families think they are addicts even though they aren't; a chem. dependancy doc did an eval on me and told me (and my husband) at the end of the appt. that her opinion was that I WASN'T an addict; you can be physically dependant and NOT addicted (which I know I was phys. dep.); and MOST people take pain meds without becoming addicted (only 1-5% of ppl do).
So today, my husband and I went to see my pmd and the clinic psych to try to get on the same page re: pain meds. (I should preface also by saying that I have been in a flare-up for about 3 weeks now). Well, the whole meeting was conducted as if I wasn't even there. The pm doc started to tell me that losing weight is a sign of addiction rather than a side-effect of medication (I lost a lot of weight on the Fent patch), that turning into a zombie is also a sign rather than a side-effect, that they see HUNDREDS of patients go down the slippery slope (vs. most ppl do not become addicted), AND (this is the kicker) that the chem dep doc said that she recommended chem dep treatment for me!!!!! What?! I felt like it was three against me and that they all kept saying that all signs pointed to addiction! I'm crying and asking for meds b/c I've been averaging a 7+ pain level almost everyday for the past three weeks and have to miss out on my life and they say I'm so adamant about pain meds b/c I'm addicted. They say I may be in pain but at least I'm functioning. What?! Sure - I'm still here! What, exactly, is functioning then? Because I have no quality of life! Is functioning not dying?! In the end, the conversation kept going in circles around and about me and I left feeling even worse and with no medication.
I feel like I have no control over my life anymore! Everybody else is entitled to their opinion about me and what I am and what I should and shouldn't do. Nobody truly understands and I have no one to talk to (except you all thank God). I'm doing what I'm suppposed to and what everyone is telling me to do but at the cost of quality of life or pain relief.
Does anyone understand or possibly relate to this at all? I feel completely alone and trapped!
Thanks for "listening".