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Holy mother this is bad stuff!

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,671
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:47 AM in Chronic Pain
For whatever reason, I get in this horrid massive depression every fall and every spring. It is so debilitating and brutal. I took the last two days off work, I just couldn't even function, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, my heart was pounding, dark, horrid thoughts... Thank the Lord it is finally easing up! I could tell it was coming last Friday, and it just got worse and worse. My husband actually asked what was wrong with me, and what he could do. He does know when that happens, I can tell cuz he puts the protection pieces normally in the closet, locked up in the safe. He has no clue I have the combination now. I think that is why he never gave it to me, but I found it stashed one day up in his closet. Anyway, I'm not plugging myself, didn't get quite that bad this time, but it was still tough. Thank God for my son-in-law who tried that and failed years ago. He is so good to me, he talks to me, texts me several times cuz he knows what it's like. He still struggles with depression occasionaly himself and is on medication for it now. He keeps it between us, which I appreciate. don't need the entire friggin family thinking I'm gonna off myself when I just need to talk to someone about how I feel. I know pain can be horrendous, no doubt about it, but depression is a whole other animal. My son-in-law calls it "the bastard from hell" when it hits - straight from hell itself. I tend to agree with him on that. You think things that a week later you wonder - what the hell was I thinking! Now, I know that a week from now I'll be o.k. again, so like he says, just push thru it, push thru it, push thru it, you know you'll get better soon mom. He's right. Thanks for listening buddies! Hope you all are having a decent day :) Marion


  • Marion have you ever gone to a doctor when this was happening? I'm wondering if it could be allergies or weather change that brings it on. Since you say it is only once each season I'm thinking allergy.

    Hang in there...just a few more days. But consider seeing an allergist.
  • Oh, Marion, I'm so sorry to hear you go through such dark depressions. I've been there and believe me, I don't ever want to go back. But you have a recurring depression which is something I've never heard of before. It makes me wonder if there is something environmental or natural (like seasonal affective disorder) which is triggering these debilitating depressive episodes.

    Have you seen your GP about this? Are you getting any kind of treatment? You shouldn't have to just bite the bullet and live with these depressions.

    My heart goes out to you. >:D< Ill be praying for you that this episode will leave quickly and that you'll find some sort of resolution to these episodes.

    2009 Foraminotomy C6-72010 PLIF L4-S1Multi RFA's, cervical inj, lumbar injLaminectomy L3-4 and fusion w/internal fixation T10-L4 July 17Fusion C2-C5 yet to be scheduled
  • No, I haven’t but I’m pretty sure your right on target. It has something to do with the weather changing. Every fall when it starts getting cold and freezing at night, I get it and in the spring! Oh Lord, when the rains come for weeks on end – it lasts for weeks sometimes and it’s horrible. This past spring, I had decided I was done with everything and had planned on taking care of it. I left work with my concealed weapon in my truck, and was heading to the mountains. My daughter called me and I heard my grandson in the background and I thought, come on now – you know this is gonna get better and I called my son-in-law and talked to him for quite a while. I think God everyday I didn’t do what I was thinking of doing and I really think I know better than that when it comes right down to it. I still think about it occasionally, but to actually go thru with it – I don’t think I would anymore. I have come to figure out that it does go away eventually.
  • Marion, I cant say that I know or understand what you are going through..even though as a youngster I was very very depressed for many years! But the seasonal part ....where is comes back is the A$$ kicker!!

    All I can say is hang in there, you are a trooper and if you ever need to talk or scream or anything else...I am here!!!
  • Rain is the magic word. Change in barametric pressure is the signal of rain. My dad did his PhD thesis on the effect of barametric pressure on testing. It's real and can be devastating.

    Go see an ENT. I bet anything he will find that your sinuses are swollen. And if they went as far as an MRI it would show more swelling.

    The other thing is to try an OTC allergy pill. Just make sure it wouldn't interact with anything you are taking.
  • So sorry you're going through this. I sort of have it just around this time of the year as well. But with mine I've tied it directly to the time change. For some reason my brain for the first few weeks after the change, can't get around the darkness change! My hubby actually figured it out 2 years ago!

    No energy, no appetite, no desire, no care about (?), you know. Have I ever thought about ending it? Sure! Any honest person has - be it due to the loss of a loved one, pain, divorce, finances etc. The key is if we will do it. I almost did it when I was 15 - was abused for years, and had enough. A friend sensing something was seriously wrong, would NOT let me walk home from school alone. My plan that day was to jump in front a a truck!! In talking to her I spilled all my feelings, and she said something astounding to me that I now use as a mantra. Here is what she said, and I hold it to this day...

    "There is NOTHING anyone can do that can cause *you* to give *you* the DEATH penalty."

    That phrase, from another 15 year old of all things, totally changed my life! One sentence, amazing huh? In my former career, have had too many 'brothers' in blue eat their guns. Self murder to me, I never forgive for, and never accept. Please don't let yourself go down that nasty path Marion. You're too good for that, okay? *HUGZ*

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • I'm so sorry you are going through this again. I remember when you first joined the site, you were at the same place. It must be terrible to have to go through it every few months. While reading your initial post, I was thinking about the seasonal disorder, as apparently everyone else was. I think it would be very beneficial for you to talk about it with your doctor. I'm so glad that you have your son-in-law to talk to, and to get you through this time. And of course, us here, too.

    Please, please, please, if you find yourself going back to that darkest of all places, you call and get help immediately, even if it's a hotline. Then call your doctor right after that, or go to the ER. Get your SIL to take you, if possible, for moral support.

    As they'd say in those old ads, "You've come a long way, baby", and I'd hate to see you go back to where you were when you first came to us. Take care, and keep us posted, we are always here for you to lean on, but sometimes you just need to get more professional help, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that!
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
  • I sure appreciate all of your comments. I definitely appreciate all the support and just having a place to go and chatter. It all helps. I’m pretty sure I won’t do anything dumb, I think I have that part figured out. I always remind myself of all the stuff I would have missed had I done that – and there is so much more to come and enjoy. I once saw an awesome counselor, years ago. I was hypnotized and it he walked me through remembering my childhood. I know I have serious problems, mostly trusting people and things along those lines. I know I don’t feel things the way normal people feel them. Mentally I do, but my heart does not. Anyway, I had little recollection of my childhood until about the age of 13 or 14. I had fleeting memories of my dad killing my pets (he was a drunk) and my mom was ruthless, she used to beat me till I could hardly breathe. Other than that, I couldn’t remember anything. I didn’t even remember my brother being born or anything about him until he was around 8 or 9. I was 7 when he was born. I had some pretty amazing eye openers with this counselor. But, I saw all I could stand at the time and thought I’d seen enough. There were a few doors that I refused to open and he said that maybe at some later point in life, I would need to do that to see everything. I know he still practices, maybe it is time to go back, I don’t know. To be honest, I’m a pretty tough old broad, but that Shizzle was gut wrenching and I have never wanted to go through it again. Brenda shared something from her friend, and I will share something my doctor told me that changed my life. I am really into God and have always tried to follow his commandments, not always easy for me. My counselor told me it was o.k. to not have contact with my parents (and I didn’t for over 7 years) and he told me that… “You honor your parents by going forth and becoming the best person you can be”. Not by staying under their realm and letting them belittle you and treat you like garbage. He told me after everything I went thru with them, I should be proud that I was not a mass murderer. I told him when I was a senior in high school a good friend of mine introduced me to Jesus Christ. Had it not been for the grace of God, maybe I wouldn’t be who I am today. Anyway, he was a great counselor. I wrote him a letter years later and told him how when he told me those words – it released me from my guilt about my parents for life. It was amazing, he made me look at things differently. I remember telling him, well my mom has always hated me, but my dad loves me no matter what. As the sessions progressed, he knew I felt my mothers hate was my fault. He asked me, so what could your kids do at the age of 2, 5, 7, or 9 to make you hate them like that? To stare them down for weeks at a time and not speak to them, only glare and beat the hell out of them? I said, God, nothing – I could never hate my kids or treat anyone like that. He said, so… Why do you think you could have done anything at that age to deserve hate? What child ever could? That was an eye opener. Then we got into my dad. I told him about my dad getting drunk and shooting my pets, sometimes in front of me and how he’d laugh when I sobbed because I loved them so much. He said, oh yeah, so is that how you show your kids love now? I said WHAT? God no, I could never do anything like that! He said, so… “is that love”? Holy hell he could have slapped me upside the head with a brick. My dad never loved me, I always believe it, why? I never figured that out. Maybe I need too. Anyway, I could tell you some awesome stories about being hypnotized, but you may already think I’m a bit of a wacko by now.. LOL! I’m really not – I swear! I always knew I would never, ever, make my children feel or hurt the way my parents did me. I have a very hard time disciplining and would much rather talk things out, I just can’t be mean or tough with them. Luckily, they are both awesome and have never caused me a drop of trouble. I am a lucky gal in many ways I guess. God, that was great counseling for me – how was that for you guys??!! LOL :) :) :)
  • First of all Marion, all I can say is a big resounding "WOW".... with a big silence after while I absorb all of this. A quick second to that, I say "No, you are not a wacko or crazy". You have been through a lot. Too much, for one person, yet you have the strength to survive it all, and now surviving the chronic pain.

    And, you have the courage to keep the strength to keep on surviving, and the courage to tell us your story. Do you feel a weight lifted from letting it all out? I hope so! I felt lighter at the end of your post!

    Being agnostic myself, (although I did grow up in a christian house, was very active in my church as a teen, actually taught jk sunday school and was a junior leader in my youth group) I believe that everyone needs faith in something to keep surviving, and you've kept your faith in your God through all of this, I think that is so great. (I say "your God", as different people have different deities that they have faith in, just trying to keep it non-denominational somewhat :) )

    You said you were a tough old broad, lol, I think of you as being strong, courageous and determined. We all have some vulnerability that breaks our defensive wall we build around us, and what you worked on, chipped at that wall a little, and I think that's a good thing. We can't keep ourselves barricaded from the world, it's not healthy. You said that counsellor still practiced, is he anywhere near you?

    Thank you for sharing with us, I'm glad that it helped you, and that it continues to do so. Remember, you are a strong, determined, courageous woman, and you can keep healing!!

    As an after thought, did any of the bad things that happened to you happen in the fall or spring? It could be this time of year that is a trigger for you, because of something that happened. Just a thought, as we talk about this in my PTSD support group...
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
  • Marion,

    *Shudder* After reading your post, I was shuddering at the similarities in our lives. When I was around 21 I started having serious "anger" issues. I would blow for no reason. One day driving home, a vehicle similar to my "ex" stepfather was passing me - I tried to run that sucker off the road! Thanks goodness I didn't. I then got with a local support group.

    This group consisted of men and women ranging from 15 to 80 years old who had been abused as kids. The 80 year old had been married over 45 years, and STILL could not tell her husband what happened to her!! At any rate, I too do not remember a lot of my childhood until around age 15, and then there are still holes. I don't remember being at my sisters wedding (I was 16), and one day I snipped at my sister that she didn't even invite me to it. She showed me pictures of me AT the wedding, and said "What???"

    Like you, I did the hypnosis sessions, and like you, there were (and still are) doors I can't open. I mentally divorced myself from my "ex" parents in 1979 - and never looked back. Once the 'ex' stepfather died, my ex mother wanted to apologize. I wanted (and still feel this way) NOTHING to do with her apology, as now she was "safe" from divorce, and she has his survivor benefits and house. No thanks. Sorry to see you are in a similar mode there Marion. Supportive *HUGZ*

    Trust. I hear that loud and clear. Partly due to the job I had, but more so in deep, the childhood. I am big on "first impressions", and if a friend shows a side to me that is demanding, bossy, controlling, etc., I wash my hands of them. I am no ones child anymore!! :) You're very strong Marion. Like you, those of us that have sadly been there....can end up on either side of the prison bars! You're strong, and aren't in the cell! *Clapping* :)

    Wow..this was hard to type. ...

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • I knew there was a reason you stood out to me.. LOL! I thought it was because you're just funny :)
    Yes, that's some pretty wild stuff huh. Who does that to their kids, I cannot even imagine. I hope I have never caused either of mine to ever shed a tear. Interesting about the picture. I have experienced that myself, that is a very odd feeling. I don't know, I know so much now of what happened, I'm just not sure how much more I could stand or need to know - but I know it has something to do with some of the issues I have now. I am the type of person that is an extremely loyal friend. I don't gossip, I would never betray a trust or something told to me in confidence. BUT, if someone does it to me - just once - I'm done. I don't think it's because I'm mad, it is because it hurts me. It takes a while for me to open up, but when I do, I have made my judgement and feel safe I guess you'd say. When that trust is betrayed, I just cannot understand it and I am just done. Thanks for sharing your story too Brenda! It is interesting the similarities there. I did what you did, divorced them for years, but only after they started their crap with my kids, then I was DONE! Felt guilty and went to counseling. I could not let my children be around that!
  • j.howiejj.howie Brentwood, Ca., USAPosts: 1,730
    But I didn't know you go trough it every spring and fall! Maybe Kelly is on to something here. I hope you can figure it out. And be prepared when it comes a knocking on your door. I can relate to an abusive Dad and step dad and a large dysfunctional family. But , Marion, I think that is why we are better with our families and others. So remember something GOOD came of it!
    I'm going through a bout with it right now. But for other reasons. I talk to my pain Psych about it and she is directly connected to my P.M. Dr. who prescribes me anti depressants. Marion, it's so important to have some kind of a support group. I'm glad you have yours! But you may want to consider a Professional.
    Good luck, Jim
    Click my name to see my Medical history
    You get what you get, not what you deserve......I stole that from Susan (rip)
    Today is yours to embrace........ for tomorrow, who knows what might be starring you in the face!
  • I am the type of person that is an extremely loyal friend. I don't gossip, I would never betray a trust or something told to me in confidence. BUT, if someone does it to me - just once - I'm done. I don't think it's because I'm mad, it is because it hurts me. It takes a while for me to open up, but when I do, I have made my judgement and feel safe I guess you'd say.
    OMG!!! Super sized Ditto here Marion! When a friend "does" me or "back-stabs", done! And yes ma'am when I think about it, it is more so due to "hurt" vs mad. Friends of mine know what they tell me, stays *with* me unless they say otherwise. I am one that is very finicky on who I accept as a friend, and too how far into my "inner" circle they can go.

    Birds of a feather I guess Marion. I agree though what Jim posted, some of this stuff does if worked correctly, make us stronger!! My ex mother had years in which she could apologize for "her" allowing her husband to do to me what he did. She didn't reach out until he was dead, and she was financially secure. Blah!! Honestly, if she apologized before he died, I might have kept a distant (phone only) relationship, but she didn't. I like to say that I succeeded in spite of that crap. :)

    I in part think that is why I never had kids - was never one myself!! I loved baby sitting my grand niece and nephews - spoiled the hell out of em! (G) I just never got the mommy urge. My sister could do no wrong, never abused that I know of and is the full time mommy, and loves it! :) My brother (5 years my senior) was treated like I. He never stays still and lives nomadic. I can never keep track of where he is. Like me, he is very cautious of people, and no kids. Support *HUGZ* to ya Marion!! :)

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Back to the physical aspects of what Marion is going through - have you ever seen a doctor for SAD? I have Seasonal Affective Disorder! It's really bad for me when the winter lingers, really bad. Don;t want to get out of bed, don;t want to eat - nothing. But since I KNOW what it is, I know I can wait it out. I start taking Melatonin about 6 weeks before the end of winter, just in case it goes on longer - because thats when I know I will get really depressed. My friend has just the opposite - RSAD - Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder. Now that the weather is cooling off and days are shorter, she is starting to feel better. Marion, SAD is serious stuff! Maybe you should look into it!
  • I read your comments and have flashbacks of my own messed up childhood. How did we ever survive and come out somewhat normal? I get my dark days and I don't fight them. I have learned just to sleep them away. And they will go back away. It is hard to break children up that bad and then expect them to be able to go out and fit it as normal. We try but something or someone sets off something inside and the dark is here. I fight the dark all the time. My brother could not handle the dark and that broke my heart.I broke the cycle. I was like 3rd generation of this dysfunction but no more. I knew it had to be a better way.
  • My brother was the KING also! I still call him that and we are not tight at all, barely speak. I always worked hard to ensure my kids are best friends, and they are. They go to lunch together, hang out, it's awesome!!! This is just too wierd. I agree with everything you said Brenda!
  • That makes sense to me and I have heard about that. I know it has something to do with the weather getting colder, the rain, all that crap. I will do some research on SAD. Thank You!
  • I was going to mail you and see if you were feeling a bit better. I sure hope things get better, depression sucks. Thankfully I am just about at the end of this one. I hope you are too!
  • Hi Marion,

    I have been reading your posts, and I am very sorry for all your suffering. I do want to point out what a wonderful job it sounds like you have done with your own children! Through it all, you have managed to break the cycle of abuse which is no easy task. I know it is a very difficult thing to think about when you are in the depths of a dark depression, but I think it is important. You made a point to not do everything that was done to you and to bring your children up with great love, self esteem, and a sense of self worth. You nurtured them. You were not taught to nuture;it just came naturally to you. I am sure it wasn't easy, but you worked hard at making sure that your children got what you did't have. I think you should be very proud of yourself. I hope you think about all that you have accomplished and all the great things you still can do. I am so happy to hear that you have such a wonderful son in law, but I worry that maybe that is not enough. Have you considered going back to some form of counseling for preventative reasons. I haven't been able to go for other health issues lately, and I really miss it. I hope to go back in the next few weeks. I think it all comes down to finding a really great counselor, a really good fit. I loved the quote that Brenda was kind enough to share. I have another one, but I still think Brenda's is better. A friend once told me that she was told that such an act would be "a permanent solution to a temporary problem that never really solved anything". I warned you that Brenda's was better. I pray that you get help and relief from this Marion, because you deserve it. I am not in the medical field, but I hope that you would truly consider couseling again and the allergy and sinus check ups also sound good to me! Good Luck and God Bless you and your family always!

    You are worth it!

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