I spend most of my time on the Chronic Pain board because thats usually what I'm dealing with. Lately, well, ever since this all began about 3.5 years ago, my focus has been my pain. I have a family. A wonderful wife and 3 wonderful children that are all fairly young. I used to be an extremely active, athletic person as it seems many people on here were at one time. I made a good living.
Now I am trying to sort out my life. Doctor bills are racking up like crazy. My wonderful wife has gone back to work after 14 years and busts her butt every day. My kids see me now as a father in constant pain that doesn't get off the recliner much and can't do much of anything anymore except what I used to tell them not to do all the time and thats watch tv.
I'm very stubborn and with all the dr bills we already have, I don't want to incur more than I have to but I really think I need some professional counselling. I've never had it before but I have gone into such a funk at times that I'm afraid I may push away the only thing that means anything to me in this life and thats my family. I've just celebrated my 20th anniversary and wouldn't ever want anyone other than my current spouse and children.
I get these times where I feel like I'm such a failure that if I don't find a way to do active things with them like I used to that they won't want me anymore. They have assured me that it doesn't mean anything to them but I am the one that seems to have the block I do alright for a while but then all of a sudden I have these times where I almost become frantic trying to take my wife out to do something special, my kids, etc and frankly, it freaks them out. When they act suspicious and reassure me that they're fine, I start to get weird thoughts in my head like my wife doesn't love me or will look for someone who is more able to meet her needs. She is definitely not that type of person and it is mainly just me that gets fired up, even suicidal at times.
How do people learn to cope with their disabilities? I've got fusions at C4 - C5 and C6 - C7 along with L4 - S1 and the lower back operations have really caused my life to spiral downward. I guess I just keep thinking that things are going to get better and this will all go back to normal but then it doesn't happen and I start to think about how I am going to live my life if this is the best I ever get?
Sorry for the novel folks. What do you do? How do you live with yourself when you can't keep the house up? Laundry? Dinner? Sports Events? Seeems like about everything?
I couldn't bear to lose my family then on the other hand, I feel like I'm trapping them by forcing them to take care of me.
Advice Anyone? Thanks In Advance.