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Marriage Issues! Sigh....

MsHumptyDumptyMMsHumptyDumpty Posts: 1,567
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:48 AM in Matters of the Heart
I have been injured for about six years now. Since the very day I fell and was injured my marriage has been limping along... :(

We own a small commercial cleaning biz and I got hurt on the job. Hubby & I work ( past tense ) together. I finished working that day as job had to be done - ya know. Any ways next day I said I did not think I could go to work and he threw a fit. I went and scrubbed down walls and some other work at a biz office we were contracted with.

When we were done with the job I had no feeling in my left leg and said I needed to go to the local ER. Another fit on his part. After all the tests at the ER and the bad news and I started to cry. He really threw a fit and told me to pull it together.

That was almost 6 yrs ago and nothing has changed for the better.
He does have his times where he will pitch in and help me without having a fit - but those are very far & few and it never lasts long.

Today was the icing on the cake for me. I recently was told I need both knees replaced ASAP. I knew it needed done but was not sure how bad they were until I started falling several times a day. The surgery went from some day to now.
So we agreed I should not go any where on my own. Today we went grocery shopping together. It went horrible. He was mad he had to be there and was just mean. It ended with him leaving me there alone to shop & check out & get items to the car. He went to the car and sat there as he was mad at me.

Later in the day I went to fall and he sat there and did not move 1 finger to help me ! :jawdrop:

This goes so much deeper. I have tried to make career changes several times since I can't do hardly any of the family biz any more and truthfully should not be doing any of it. He sabotages me each & every step I make in this direction. He SAYS he supports me in it, but he does everything to make sure I can't do the work - get to the job - get the education I need etc etc.

I know I am not blameless in this by any means. The pain I am in has most definitely changed me. He tells me all the time I am no longer fun.

SO to try to wrap this rant up. I decided today that I just can not trust him and allow myself to not be taken care of after surgery by him. So I will be talking to my Dr when I see him Dec 9th about all this and see what help my insurance will pay for.

I also decided that I will learn to do things in a new way that will make me more independent. Like tonight I used my grabber thing to get stuff out of the closet and the dog needed a bath which he refused to do, so I went to walmart and got that waterless bath dog soap and bathed him myself.

I just have to give up the hope that he ever going to come through for me and be here for me.

He has been to almost all of my Dr appts with me, seen everything test wise, have had the Drs yell at me right in front of him that I do too much and it makes no difference to him. I have kept the way my life with him really is from the Drs., until now when I will need to ask them for some help in getting me some help in our home. I am also going to see if there is any chance I qualify for any help with cleaning it. :sigh:

I also know now that I need to find ways to get the new career I need & I want. That won't be too hard ( I hope ). Now that I am not working with him I can just change my shift from his ( we work the midnight shift ) and do the things I need to do while he is sleeping.

To sum this up. There is rarely anything he flat out WON'T do for me, BUT it is ALWAYS a fight - which equals many many fights in a day :(

I am not asking for help per say - just really wanted to come and vent - Thanks for the ear ;)

L1 - S2 "gone" useless in 1 way or another. DDD. RA. Bone Spurs. Tons of nerve damage/issues. Stenosis. Both knees replaced. 50 yrs old. I had a great fall (hence my user name) at age 41 and it has been a domino effect every since.


  • MsHumpty,

    So sorry to hear this. Like you said, you've been pretty quiet on this end of the info. I don't know if I could have stayed with all that going on. Of course I don't see the whole picture of course. My hubby has been there for me since day one, and our day one sort of was since we were married - though I kept my pain pretty well under control until about 7 years ago. He has been a trooper. Does he get mad, or a bit ummm - un-nice without realizing it? Yep. We've talked about his temper days, and then he opens up that some foreman is being a jerk at work or something. He then settles down.

    Just seeing your signature line, I am sure your x-rays and MRI's and such show a much worse picture. It's too bad that your hubby can't see it. I too take my hubby to some of my appointments, and that way too, if I am hemming or hawwing over said diagnosis or procedure, he can voice some knowledgeable input.

    Have you ever (and you probably did) tried to have a heart to heart sit down with him with no distractions around? Communications is sometimes the weakest part of a relationship from what I've seen. I so hope you all can work this out, because having constant fights during the day, and the stress that goes along with it, I am sure is NOT good for your overall health.

    Please keep us posted, vent when you need to; we are here for ya woman! Big time support ****HUGZ**** for ya!!

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • MUCH Thanks Brenda :hug: Oh my yes to have we talked and talked and talked lol ;)

    Sadly his talk is much better then his walk. But any more we do not talk about it as when I try to he BLOWS up and screams at me and it turns very ugly verbally.

    Your right there is more going on. I was always super women lol. I would get up get breakfast, tend to the home, errands, chores, mow the grass etc etc what ever needed done and THEN go to work lol Came home and did it all over again. He has always been a bit of a slacker ( sorry but it is true ) and I knew that and was as OK as one can be with it any ways lol ;) His other qualities were so good that it was OK. I was a work alcoholic and did not mind carrying the weight.

    So pretty much he is pissed off that his life has changed so much and takes it out on me. Never mind that I have NO control over this and have done so much more damage to myself by plugging ahead work wise. Until I finally seen I would end up so much worse off health wise and not even be able to do the basic caring of myself.

    I came here to vent as well as to hopefully gain some buddies here that I can have to lean on when I need to. If I have to walk this path without my husband I know I at least have to have a few good online friends. No one in our real life ( offline ) knows how things are with us.

    I just can't walk this journey totally alone and remain sane.

    Thanks for your kindness :)

    L1 - S2 "gone" useless in 1 way or another. DDD. RA. Bone Spurs. Tons of nerve damage/issues. Stenosis. Both knees replaced. 50 yrs old. I had a great fall (hence my user name) at age 41 and it has been a domino effect every since.
  • If you need buddies, I am here for ya!! Mine too is a slacker in some ways - opens things, leaves them on the counter; buys things, leaves the bags in the living room; drags his feet for his outside chores etc. Like you, I married knowing these little tidbits. It took a little while, but he saw that the more anti back/neck stuff I would do, the less "me" was able to have fun times due to pain. He's learning. (G)

    My hubby pulled his back pretty hard a while back, and while he is very supporting, he had a 'dawning' moment after a couple of days of pain. He stated to me, "I don't know how you deal with this crap day after day after day - I am dying, and I know I will feel better in a week or so, Wow!" Hummm... any chance your hubby is going to pull his back out? (G)

    This might work for you hubby? A friend of mine that I care a lot for didn't understand why I was still having issues a year after my last surgery. I tried to explain it to her, she wasn't getting it. I asked her to extend her arm to me - she did. I proceeded to smack her "funny bone", of which she recoiled in pain, and then yelled, "What the hell was that? Why did you do that, it hurt!" I told her, *that* is what I get many times during the day and night in my legs and right arm. So how would you like it? Wow, a 180 occurred that day! (EG)

    As you know MsHumpty, if they can't relate it to something they know, they just bloody well don't get it! Also too, men are such that if *they* can't fix it, their defense modes come up, and they respond with silence or lashing out. I too was a super active type both in my off time and at work. I think that reduction was harder on me than my hubby. I hope you can bring your hubby around. *HUGZ*

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Ms Humpty >:D< >:D< >:D< Men!!! They irritate me!! (except for fellow spineys of the male species) My heart goes out to you. Like brenda says try the elbow method, that will just give him a little taste of what you are going through.

    My ex-fiancee would not even try to understand, and made my life a misery, at the time we was together i also did alot of crying, i was hoping and praying he would understand my back pain and other related problems i suffer from day to day. I would wake in the middle of the night in excruciating pain and i would be in tears, and even then , he would not even try to understand or try to emphasize. My PM team asked him if he would sit in on a consultation, but he very rudely refused. So after months of getting worse and agonising , i had no choice but to end the relationship. I still love (i know i must be mad) him but just cant be with him.In that relationship it had ended a long time before i finished with him.

    The thing i am trying to say to you is, its tiring enough fighting pain day in day out, and the focus needs to be on you. You should not have to get help to help you out. The thing is do not do what i did, (which you have been)push yourself to hard so you end up doing more damage.

    Angie >:D< :H
  • Easy girls, I think you mean some men ! I have been married a long time and Captain Pain has always been in this relationship, I know when to do as I am asked, my wife tells me.

    .......can I come out yet !!!

    I can make tea, cook and clean, catch a ball and chew a bone…

    Men they irritate me too…

    Jo………hn >:D<

  • Ms I think all relationships have problems. There is always a balance of what each does and what they want the other to do. Throw in all the personal issues that we deal with (dreams, goals, failures) and you get a big mess. I know I grew up thinking you got married and that person was wonderful and perfect for ever after. Well that thinking is probably why the divorce rate is so high. No one is perfect and even the best prepared to deal with this stuff have issues. I have a couple friend...she is a psychiatrist and he is a vp of a university...you would think that they are so perfect but they have the same issues as the rest of us.

    You need to have a heart to heart with your husband. Spell out what you need (who does laundry, house cleaning, shopping) and what you expect. Yelling and verbal abuse is not acceptable and is often worse than physical abuse. You might try tape recording his next tirade and playing it back to him. I bet he doesnt even know what he is doing.

    Now for reasons. While he comes with his own baggage he may also be upset because you are in pain. Often our loved ones get upset because they feel helpless or even responsible for our injuries. He probably doesnt even know he feels this way but it's real.

    As far as getting help...check with your insurance but don't count on it. I had a policy that provided $50 a day in misc expenses. When I tried to get someone to do the heavy cleaning they said I live with my husband so he can do it. Of course then the agent laughed :) But there are things you can do. Take the laundry to the laundromat. Use an internet food shopping service..they deliver to your door for about $5. I long ago gave up on expecting my husband or kids to do these things. Occasionally they will help with carrying things but that is about it.

    Think possitive and use your energy to find solutions. And remember that tape recorder. I'm betting that would make a big difference.
  • I'm here for ya. I'm not going what you're going through, but recently had an "episode" with hubby where we really had to sit down and talk it out. One day he just lost it and mentioned divorce. He'd been making snide remarks for a few days and I finally just told him, while crying of course, that we've been married for 23 years and you've never mentioned divorce in all that time but have twice in the last week. What the hell is up with that? Do I need to prepare for this now?

    He's tired of not having is "Cathie". He just wants me back. I realized that I was sad-sacking around too much, many times feeling sorry for myself due to many things - the pain, the pills, looking for a job, limitations, etc. So after we talked, I decided I'd be my cheerful, but still limited, self. I don't do what I can't and if he wants the floors vacuumed, he'll have to do it. If not, then he'll have to live with it.

    It's worked wonders. Now, when I say "I need to throw the trash, Wally" (to my dog), hubby says "I'll do it" and comes over to get the trash and asks Wally to help him throw it out. On Thanksgiving he did almost all the cleaning - I was only responsible for the kitchen and cooking, what little I did. I sit on the floor to hold a bone for Wally and he asks me if I need a pillow to sit on.

    I know I married a lazy man - he told me he was that way before we got married. But since my cervical surgery and seeing that huge scar, what I was going through and then my lumbar surgery, he's stepped up to the plate. A scar sometimes opens their eyes. But regardless, it's been up and down, but I think we may finally have it all worked out.

    Men want to fix things and when they can't, they get frustrated. I hate hearing what he did (or didn't do) when you fell - if I'd been there I would've given him a swift kick in the butt and told him to get off his ass and help his wife.

    I don't think that there's any secret to how to get our spouses to be there for us. They get tired of it and everything that goes along with our problems.

    Going to church has helped my hubby, but he also gets to play the drums so he lets out a lot of steam that way. I've started singing in the church too, and he's proud of that.

    I posted a song in "Matters of the Heart" under Sometimes Something Can Make A Difference about a man who realizes that he needs to be the rock of his family, that he has to be the strong one and take care of his wife and children. That song is something my hubby thinks of a lot now and because I was once strong and am not any longer, he realizes that it's his time to step up.

    Anyway, sorry to rant. I just hurt so much for people like you who really need support and he's right there, right next to you and is fully capable of being your rock but won't step up to the plate. My heart goes out to you and I hope he has an eye-opening moment where he finally gets it.

    Feel free to PM me any time or we could talk via email, just PM me your address. I could even talk with you on the phone if you need a friend. I'm not working and have time to be there for a fellow spiney. You shouldn't feel alone - it's all too difficult as it is without having to deal with this.

    Take care, Beth. And I'm serious - just let me know if you want to talk.

  • Thank you all for the kind offers :hug:

    Some responses:

    I don't recall where I said I have ever yelled at him?? I never have. NEVER!

    I have spelled it, sang it, begged him, explained, made chore lists and on and on.

    I am going to stop explaining this now as I feel like I am in need to defend myself :(

    He has had MAJOR back surgeries and does know all about this and all that life this way is about. For the record his own mom said he was a real but head when he was hurt and while healing..

    This is just not a path he wants to walk with me.

    Bottom line is I have done it all and he chooses NOT to help me.

    There are some people in this world who DO get it but are just not kind enough to be supportive.

    So now I need to find ways to help myself :)
    L1 - S2 "gone" useless in 1 way or another. DDD. RA. Bone Spurs. Tons of nerve damage/issues. Stenosis. Both knees replaced. 50 yrs old. I had a great fall (hence my user name) at age 41 and it has been a domino effect every since.
  • MsHumpty,

    I just reread the whole thread, and I don't see where anyone said you yelled at him. Defend yourself? To us? You have no need to defend yourself hon. Now that you've told us that your hubby is a spiney, *and* he isn't supportive, especially shown when you fell, that makes me and I'm sure others think even less of him. Wow!

    Just know that we are here to support YOU, okay? No defense of self needed to us or because of us! *HUGZ*

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • I don't see where anyone said you yelled at him. Only people I see yelling are him and your doctor. But if I in any way made you feel defensive I apologize.

    You are right in that you need to find ways to help yourself. I try to do as much as I possibly can for myself. That way I minimize what I need from others and minimize my disappointment when I don't get that help.
  • I wanted to come back earlier today and apologize to all of you. I read something in between words and came up with the yelling thing.

    I do apologize!!!!!!!

    My emotions are very raw right now and I know I am being over sensitive.

    Something I will work hard on to keep in check ;)
    L1 - S2 "gone" useless in 1 way or another. DDD. RA. Bone Spurs. Tons of nerve damage/issues. Stenosis. Both knees replaced. 50 yrs old. I had a great fall (hence my user name) at age 41 and it has been a domino effect every since.
  • You know it might be good for you to yell a little....

    I've always been a peace-maker. I will bend over backwards and do whatever necessary to keep everyone happy. Even in pain I still do this (remind you of anyone???)

    But my family has learned that when I yell it is because I am in pain. Sometimes I don't even realize how bad I am feeling and I surprise myself. Now my husband and the kids know that if I yell or snap at them they need to back off and see what they can do to help me. Sometimes I just need space and sometimes they need to step up.

    So it might be a good idea to stick up for yourself. Remember men/husbands are not always sensitive to our feelings. A gentle reminder can do a world of good.
  • Ms. Humpty,

    That is what is great about this site, we UNDERSTAND and are here for each other!! :)

    Now as for misreading something, I think we've all done that at one time or another. Not a biggie there at all woman. It just saddens me when I see people not getting support from their other half's, and even more so when the other half is a spiney to boot!

    As for your emotions being a bit raw. Fully understandable MsHumpty. Just know we are here for you, okay? Big *HUGZ* :)

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • It all boils down to really understanding and patience.
    My hubby goes to all my doc appts. because I don't drive that far. To hear him at the docs office, he is superhusband. Doing 110% of everyting here at home!! (neither of us work outside the home)
    He was understanding when I told him I could not go back to work as a RN. He said he would rather I was home with him.
    Yes. Most of the time I think he is happy for me to be home with him so I can do the things he doesn't want to. He will help if I ask him straight out, but he certainly does not volunteer.
    If I don't feel like going out with friends--no problem, he goes alone. Sometimes it makes me mad, but I can't expect him to give up his life!
    Sometimes he does really stupid things--he will act like I shouldn't lift a gallon of milk, but then ask if I can help him move the gas grill to the upstairs deck???
    For the most part, he is a good man, we have been married 36 years, and I guess I will keep him.
    I do have to remind him a lot of times that I don't feel well-I try not to complain all the time, but that still doesn't mean I am feeling good.
    It is good we have our forum friends because the truly understand. I know my hubby tries, but sometimes he just doesn't get it.
    I wonder how understanding I would be if the situation were reversed.
  • Thanks again everyone for understanding.

    The last two days have been really really rough around here. I think he notices the "shift" in me and boy he does not like it! The "fighting" has majorly increased over every little thing.
    I am making plans to switch schedules from him and give myself some breathing space to re group myself :)

    Kind of funny - so I had a TON to do today that was all HAD to be done stuff. I had to do some grocery shopping and did not want to face going back out again later tonight. You should have seen me. Here it snowed last night and I am still new on my walker with wheels ( not a great combo lol ) with my huge walmart zipper bug stuffed full of groceries on one shoulder, my purse on the other and this bag hanging around my neck pushing myself UP HILL on our sidewalk to get into our home with all my items. lol

    Part of me was PO I was having to do this alone but another part of me was like "yeah I can do this alone" - ya know :D
    L1 - S2 "gone" useless in 1 way or another. DDD. RA. Bone Spurs. Tons of nerve damage/issues. Stenosis. Both knees replaced. 50 yrs old. I had a great fall (hence my user name) at age 41 and it has been a domino effect every since.
  • Hi Beth;

    I'm sorry I wasn't on yesterday and didn't see this until now. I totally understand what you're going through, I went through it, too. Fortunately for me though, once the surgeon said surgery, he changed his attitude. Not that he volunteers to do anything, but he'll do it if I ask, although sometimes not for a day or two, lol. (not so funny to me at the time though!)

    Maybe you switching shifts will be good, to have your space. Just make sure to split the chores equally, so that you're not doing it all while he's at work!

    And when you need to vent, we will be here for you. You can always pm me as well! We need to stick together to get through this crazy life!

    I do hope that things turn around for you though. Have you ever considered counselling? Would he be into that?
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
  • Ms. Humpty,

    Bummer that you have all that going on. And to go shopping via walker - solo? If my hubby caused me to have to do that, I would have his a$$ when I got home, but hehehe that's me! (G)

    Glad you know we are here for you. >:D<

    Sometimes 'hard love' gets it into their heads. It sounds like you are doing that. Most of the time my guy is spot on and supportive. When he gets a bug up his butt, and takes it out on me, I am very direct that it will not continue. The few times that he 'brought work attitudes' home and dropped them on me, I made it very clear I will not be spoken too in a snappy, rude manner. In 20 years of law enforcement (and he knows it), I've never brought the job home - too quick as a buzz kill to any marriage. Stick to your guns woman. If it's meant to work out, it will. ***HUGZ***

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • I am pretty sure I am going through with the knee surgery/surgeries.
    I have been thinking if I don't this will never end. Before my knees got THIS bad I did an OK job at doing things on my own at least 99% of the time. So if surgery will help me get back to that base line level then the alone rough healing time during and after surgery will be worth it. I hope!

    Kelly Forgive my lol - there is no chore list for him lol ;)

    Everyone - Please don't get me wrong I am not a hard but - this really HURTS but it is what it is and I need to figure out how to move forward.
    L1 - S2 "gone" useless in 1 way or another. DDD. RA. Bone Spurs. Tons of nerve damage/issues. Stenosis. Both knees replaced. 50 yrs old. I had a great fall (hence my user name) at age 41 and it has been a domino effect every since.
  • PS: Just a extra FYI. Living like this is not new to me. I guess I just kept hoping it would change.

    I needed emergency surgery once about 8 yrs back ( before back injury ) and I had to beg him to take me to ER. When we got there and was told I needed emergency surgery within the hour - he left and went home and I seen him 3 days later to come and pick me up.

    I know to others he sounds horrible and well he is lol in this area. Other wise he is a great click for me - this part is just getting to me right now. But as always I will figure it out :)

    L1 - S2 "gone" useless in 1 way or another. DDD. RA. Bone Spurs. Tons of nerve damage/issues. Stenosis. Both knees replaced. 50 yrs old. I had a great fall (hence my user name) at age 41 and it has been a domino effect every since.
  • Thanks to all for the PM and other support. I am doing much better today. Knowing that I have SOMEONE on my side helps a LOT :D :hug:
    L1 - S2 "gone" useless in 1 way or another. DDD. RA. Bone Spurs. Tons of nerve damage/issues. Stenosis. Both knees replaced. 50 yrs old. I had a great fall (hence my user name) at age 41 and it has been a domino effect every since.
  • MsHumptyDumpty said:
    Kelly Forgive my lol - there is no chore list for him lol ;)
    Well, maybe there should be a chore list for him!! You shouldn't have to do, or be doing, everything at home, as well as work!! Especially if you're getting knee replacements! Who's going to do the housework while you're recovering from that? Might as well get him used to doing the housework now, even if little by little, for when you are unable to. Marriage is a partnership, is it not? That means that everything should be shared, including the housework...
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
  • PS: Kelly - I can't "force" him to do chores - ya know ;)

    L1 - S2 "gone" useless in 1 way or another. DDD. RA. Bone Spurs. Tons of nerve damage/issues. Stenosis. Both knees replaced. 50 yrs old. I had a great fall (hence my user name) at age 41 and it has been a domino effect every since.
  • You sound just like me. I do all the house work stuff. If my husband does anything it's to prove that I am not doing it right...those are rousing fights lol.

    Reading your last few posts it occurred to me that your husband is like many on here...unable to cope with us being hurt. I know that my husband just can't deal with medical things especially when its about me. In 1 1/2 years since my accident he has gone to one doctors appt and that wasn't easy. I had to get my 80 yr old parents to come in from AZ to take me to the hospital for my shoulder surgery. And when I had my spine surgery I was up way early to get everything ready for everyone. And fought with him the whole way to the hospital.

    I think many of us have agreed that men have a hard time expressing their feelings and dealing with us being injured. They just can't do it. You said that you click with him on other things which to me means there are enough other things to make him a keeper. So you need to vent here and learn to cope with this gap in your life. I can guarantee that once you accept that this is his limitation everything will get easier.
  • lol, I know Beth, but just remember, you need to be taken care of too, and not just you taking care of everything and everyone else.

    It's funny, because when I first read this thread, I was thinking exactly what Kris just wrote above, that he doesn't know how to handle you being "broken" and he's getting mad because he doesn't know how to "fix" you.

    I had a little breakdown last week, and talked to one of the people that's on my medical "team". He told me that normally, it is the woman that is the rock of every family. And the men just assume that because we've always done it, we will always take care of the home, no matter how tired, hurt or down we are, we are always there keeping everything together. That was the other thing that came to mind when I first read your post. That your husband just assumes you will be able to carry on doing what you've always done, and doesn't know how to deal with things when you can't.

    You said you can't make him do chores, but you are being made to do it. So if you do it when you're made to, then he can as well, when you can't. It's funny, because we were just talking about this at work, another girl and I. She was saying how after work, she walks the dog for an hour, then makes dinner, then does the dishes, and does all the housework on the weekends, and her husband has the nerve to complain when something isn't done, like his laundry or supper is late. I wish I had the answer to that. My hubby had to learn how to do things when I couldn't stand or sit up, and he was an "offender" of that sort before. I wish I could say every person like that would see the light easily and start to help out when we need them to. And just to add, I'm not necessarily talking about men in general, I do know some women who are like that as well, whose husbands do everything when they are perfectly capable of helping, so it works both ways - not man bashing here!! :)
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
  • For whatever reason, my situation seems to be improving, which I am thankful for. I do believe part of it was just not playing into his BS arguements anymore. If he started yelling and screaming, I would just say o.k. and walk away. If he followed me, I'd go somewhere else. NOW, when he starts, I tell him, don't you talk to me like that, calm down or I'm leaving. It took a few weeks, but it did seem to help. Apparantely rather they are being kind or ranting like lunatics, they want someone listening to them. LOL! I'm sorry for what you are going thru. Some things I started doing was making sure I was doing stuff that he knew I shouldn't be right under his nose. He'd say well you shouldn't do that, I'd say yup, and continue on. I think he finally got the idea... It stinks when you feel like you are dealing with everything alone, then if you happen to be OCD about your house and yard like I am - it's a real pain in the ass cuz it drives you nuts if everything isn't just so...
  • Sorry I am late replying. Lately I have time to read posts but not enough to peck out a reply. Thanksgiving-Christmas is sooooo busy, and both my kids have birthdays in that time frame to add to the madness!

    Anyway, I digress. Just wanted to let you know that like the other great spineys on this site, I'm here to support you. I've been through a divorce and was scared silly how to be on my own (not saying you are divorcing). Its amazing what strenghth we can find within ourselves when we need to.

    You've got lots of support here, so please rant away or ask for some gentle hugs, someone is always here.

    Take care,

  • Marriage update: ;)

    Well things have NOT been pretty around here lately. I have been standing up for myself more and "forcing" him to help me out. Example: I needed to go to the store and I sat down and said "I need to run this errand and this is JUST the way it WILL go with you helping me. I am NOT going to go alone and fall and hurt myself worse. Nor are you going to go and try to make me feel bad about needing your help". It went OK. Not great, but not too bad.

    That is pretty much how I have been dealing with him in general. I need you to take out the trash, walk the dog etc, as I am NOT going to do it and get more harm done. ( It is very icy here right now ).

    The first 3 days of me doing this was nasty! But tonight he gave me a lip kiss before he went to work - so maybe...... ?

    I am ready for the "talk" if I need to. I have decided I will not do this alone and then when I am all well things return to "normal".

    I refuse to allow that to happen!

    HOWEVER I am sure I am will still need your wonderfully kind offers for support as well as this thread as a sounding board ;)

    :hug: to ALL of you :D
    L1 - S2 "gone" useless in 1 way or another. DDD. RA. Bone Spurs. Tons of nerve damage/issues. Stenosis. Both knees replaced. 50 yrs old. I had a great fall (hence my user name) at age 41 and it has been a domino effect every since.
  • Ms. Humpty,

    Looks like tough love (I NEED your help now!) is starting to work. Bravo! As for help or support, we are here for ya! So proud of you woman! *HUGZ* :)

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Hello,
    Pain is not something that should be endured alone and even with an experienced husband who has walked in those shoes, that notion of being unsupportive cannot be easy.

    I am the positive and progressive person that I am because of my marriage, her very existence and her radiance is constantly urging me on, and we are more together than individuals.

    Take care and good luck.

  • My heart aches for your situation. It's wrong wrong wrong.

    Do you have any family close by that you can stay with during this knee surgery recovery or someone who can stay with you? Or at the very least check in on you? Close friends? Adult Children? A neighbor? I hope that your insurance will cover having some help come into your home.

    I hope things get better. Keep doing what your doing if it's making a difference in your H helping you out in all aspects.
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