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What a horrifying night... I'm so upset

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,671
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:50 AM in Matters of the Heart
I kind of knew it was only a matter of time. Night before last my husband came home from the bar (I had to practically beg him to come home which hurt my feelings big time). We had the house to ourselves, our son was going on a date so I was kind of excited. Well by the time he got home I was pretty irritated and upset, we had a big talk and I told him it used to be he'd stop after work and be home at 5 a couple times a week. then it was every night. Then it was every night until 6, now 7 or 8 and I'm sick of it. Then he comes home and expects me to greet him with open arms. Well that is not going to happen. I thought we talked it out and he agreed he was doing that too much. Yesterday he took my 17 year old son to work with him so he could help him finish a job before the snow started. I did all the cleaning, cooked something good and kinda waited around for him all day so we could just hang out. I get a text from him around 4 that his buddy at the bar wants to buy him a beer so he's having our son drop him off there. I was so upset, hurt, mad, I thought he had a lot of nerve. Finally around 10 at night, he calls Kris to go get him which he did. I was on the phone talking to my daughter because I didn't really want to talk to him. I was teary eyed that he did it again and upset. Kris left, then he comes in my living room when I got off the phone and starts needling me how if I didn't want him to go, I shold have texted him back and told him and on and on and on. I said we already has this conversation last night I don't want to get into it. So he starts needling me on and on and finally I blew. I yelled at him and told him he was a lousy husband, that I was sick of his bar bs and that his buddies and beer and way more important than me and it hurt my feelings and how dare he. Then I went in the kitchen and started cooking me something to eat. All of a sudden he is bitching at me, screaming, I am nothing but a F'ing b and on and on, throws a full can of beer against the kitchen window which scared the crap out of me, just in a rage. everything fell off the windowsill, beer everywhere and I was scared. Then he started slamming doors in every room - hard, he slammed the new toilet seat up and down so hard it shattered. Came back to the kitchen and slammed a cupboard door right behind my head and was just screaming. I casually walked into my living room like I was going out to have a smoke and dialed 911 on my cell and just left it laying there. Then I heard this huge crash and walked into the kitchen and the black french door was completely shattered. I walked back in while he was in there screaming and got on my phone and told the dispatcher my address and my husband was going crazy breaking stuff and I was scared. By then 5 officers were at the front door and by the time they walked into his living room back there he was passed out on his couch. They arrested im and it was ugly! They did call to tell me he bailed out at 3 in the morning and my son was pretty upset when he got home and saw the door and what happened. He was worried too he would still be drunk and try and come back and do something. Needless to say, I'm pretty wound up. It just keeps getting better.


  • LizLiz Posts: 7,832
    Sorry to hear what your going through
    I have sent you a pm


    Liz, Spine-health Moderator

    Spinal stenosis since 1995
    Lumber decompression surgery S1 L5-L3[1996]
    Cervical stenosis, so far avoided surgery
  • It's too bad he was bailed out he should have spent more time there. Obviously he needs an anger management course for his behavior. Some people should never drink alcohol as it causes anger and rage and this from an abused child of an alcoholic Father who lost control in and out of alcoholism.

    I don't know where you're going from here but it would be best to talk to a Domestic Violence Nurse or Counselor.

    After this he can not be trusted again. Keep yourself safe. Charry

    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • Mouse, so sorry to hear about the painful experience with your husband's drinking and the violent, destructive behavior he subjected you and your son to.

    Clearly it was totally unacceptable of what occurred and I'm hoping you are seeking some professional help and knowing the support you and your son can receive.

    Know it had to be difficult to go thru such an experience and you did what you had to do in calling 911 and reaching out for support for youself.

    Thought I'd share some things you may consider in getting good support for you in this "nightmare" you have had to experience.

    You shared about this being a pattern he has had and you having to discuss his issues and the strain has put on your marriage and your son and know you see this path of seeing you can no longer accept his unacceptable behavior with his drinking/time away from home and his outburst with anger/rage.

    Please seek some good support for you... there is good support you get for yourself with counseling and 12-step program recovery to be sure you keep yourself safe, put in place some healthy boundaries. Clearly he needs professional help and he may not choose to take responsibility for his anger/rage and violent behavior.

    You must not dismiss the level of violence and what occurred and real important for you to put some firm boundaries in place now and get some good unconditional support.

    Support groups i.e., AlaNon for yourself and your son, as well professional counseling could help you put some safe boundaries in place for yourself and your son. Your husband violent behavior clearly demands him getting professional help/counseling.

    Will keep you in my prayers, and hoping you stay strong and seek what you know you deserve and hopefully this destructive "bottom" will move into a positive direction for you and your husband to do what is necessary and changes vital for healing and recovery.

    (((hugs))) you deserve no less ! Be strong and know the good that can unfold from this with you getting support, making new choices and change !

  • Oh Marion, I'm so sorry I haven't been on all day til now!! You must have been so scared. I know what that is like, it's the reason my ex-husband is now my ex-husband... I know it's scary Marion, but maybe it's time to cut your losses. You know that you can make it without his pay cheque, you have done it in the past. You deserve so much better than that!! Nobody, NOBODY deserves to be treated that way. And they never change. It's always lurking somewhere within them. You did the right thing. Anyways, pm me!! I hope that you're okay!!!
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
  • I am so VERY sorry you are going through this :hug:
    L1 - S2 "gone" useless in 1 way or another. DDD. RA. Bone Spurs. Tons of nerve damage/issues. Stenosis. Both knees replaced. 50 yrs old. I had a great fall (hence my user name) at age 41 and it has been a domino effect every since.

  • Post deleted, member's comments were inappropriate

    Ron DiLauro, Spine-Health System Administrator 01/24/11
  • this sounds like what i grew up with. your husband sounds like he has issues with alcohol and they will not get better unless he gets help. you need to make sure you and your kids are safe, especially with your spine issues. i truly hope this all works out for the better cuz from what i have read on here, you deserve happiness.

    sending hugs and prayers your way

  • I'm very sorry for the situation you are in.

    One thing you might want to consider is getting a "order of protection", i'm not sure of your state, but here in Illinois if i remember correctly they are active for 90 days.
    That would give you and him time to consider your options, before you decide to take it to the next level.

    Sorry to also say his actions sound like my ex's, were, the next step is staying gone all night.

    Anyway do what ever you have to do to protect yourself and your son. You might need to look up counseling in the phone book.

    My best to you.
  • I know nothing about your back situation for I am new on here however my heart goes out to you I cannot imagine having anything added on top of my back situation. Stay strong. Take a step back and analyze the situation. Most of all be careful. Big hugs to you, you and your son will be in my prayers this evening.
  • I know nothing about your back situation for I am new on here however my heart goes out to you I cannot imagine having anything added on top of my back situation. Stay strong. Take a step back and analyze the situation. Most of all be careful. Big hugs to you, you and your son will be in my prayers this evening.
  • I am so sorry this happened to you. These are the times when I wish I could reach through the computer to try to help you in any way that I could. You were very brave and strong doing what you did by calling 911. Please know that we are all here for you whenever you need us. I hope that you will take advantage of your local resources such as alanon and perhaps a restraining order for your and your son's protection.
    Thinking of you!
    >:D< Karen
    >:D< >:-D< : Karen
    L3-S1 herniation and bulges, stenosis, mod facet,ddd,impinged nerves,coccydinia
    discectomy/lami July 2011-unsuccessful
    adr L5-S1 Feb 2012
  • My Ex was the same! - and she was the one who left.

    Take care of yourself!
  • Marion,

    Like the others, I applaud you for calling 911! I know if it were my husband (and he knows this), if he did that, he would NOT be coming back into the house, period! I would change the locks and when he wanted his stuff, only with the police or your son present.

    Oh, and don't let him use "alcohol" as an excuse for his abusive and aggressive behavior either! Above all, stay safe Marion. *HUGZ*

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Take care and be safe. It took a lot of courage to dial 911 and have him arrested.
    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers--you have certainly got a lot on your plate right now.
  • Dear Marion,

    I am so sorry to read about the frightening night you had and the scare your husband has now placed not only in your thoughts, but with your son as well.

    I agree with the advice the other members have offered.

    If I were in your shoes, I would not post bail. I would get an Order of Protection for you and your son. You protect yourself and your son... now.

    If he violates the Order of Protection, he will be put back in jail.

    You've had multiple talks with the man about his ongoing behavior and it's becoming progressively worse.

    Boundary time! Get that Order of Protection, look up support centers and keep the distance for a while. It will give you and your son time to heal, time to learn about certain behavior issues and how to set and keep boundaries.

    Stay strong and most importantly... keep you and your son safe!!!

    Prayers galore for you and your family!

  • Marion, I agree wholeheartedly with TTLC. Protect yourself and your son.

  • They called me yesterday and asked if I wanted an order of protection, but I declined. I am going to talk to some people today and get some advice and information. I know Kris saw his dad yesterday and he is a pretty sad pup, but that is irrelevant. I also know that Kris chewed him out and told him he too is sick of his ignorant mouth and the way he talks to me sometimes. I talked with my husband on the phone later in the evening and pretty much the usual. So sorry, you all know the story… The fact of the matter is, I cannot keep my house without his income and I am not willing to lose the house I have worked my butt off for all these years to have. I would have no place for my horse and I am not willing to put him down, or get rid of him – that is just not going to happen.
    My hope for the situation is that they make him take anger management ( at least I KNOW he isn’t coming home unless he does) and he needs to cool it on the drinking all night. We both drink – I drink every night too. But, I just relax, we drink beer and usually have a few and that’s it. Lately he has been staying out late and drinking way too much and that has got to stop. He seemed to agree with that and I told him, about 6 months or so ago I was ready to lose the house, leave and be done. He knew that and since that time he had really been decent to me, he really had. Then this past month when he’s been staying out late and getting plowed, he has had several instances when he was an ignorant SOB, a couple times he got mad and threw a beer IN THE HOUSE and made a mess and I’m sick of it! I guess we’ll see how it pans out. He claims he is going to tell them on his court date that he needs anger management – we’ll see. I know he has a lot of stress over things that have happened this past month with work, family, friends, etc., but that is NO excuse for his behavior and I told him so. I am just as upset about certain things that happen but I sure don’t treat those I proclaim to love so much like a dog.
  • I'm going to send you a Private message. I am sorry your going thru this mess. I have a great resource for you....It's a marital website with amazing tools. Great articles and so forth. Please take care of yourself first! Hugs to you Mouse.
  • I am sure you all think I'm an idiot because I am going to try and work things out. I just don't really have a choice right now. I know they don't change and I know it is gonna be the "honeymoon phase" as its called for a while, but I just have to deal with it for now. I am not going to lose my house or my horse, that would be worse for me. Besides I always have the option of the frying pad upside the head in the middle of the night while he's sleeping right??!!
  • Depends, is there life insurance? JUST KIDDING!!!! As they say, you gotta do what you gotta do, and I'll stand behind you, whatever decision you make. Just make sure that you and your son are safe and taken care of. Hopefully, even if it's just for your son's sake, he'll heed this wake up call, and stay awake.
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
  • LizLiz Posts: 7,832
    Only you will know when and IF the times comes to take any action. I respect and understand your decision.

    Take care

    Liz, Spine-health Moderator

    Spinal stenosis since 1995
    Lumber decompression surgery S1 L5-L3[1996]
    Cervical stenosis, so far avoided surgery
  • Hi Mouse, I sent another PM to you.

    Nobody can judge you.....you do that enough by yourself right?! I went to a psychologist/therapist when I was in my first marriage. I'll always remember the words: "your husband dumps on you. Get out from behind the dump truck". He also couldn't keep his trouser trout where it belonged either. But...I removed myself from the garbage that was being dumped on me. I didn't get caught up in the BS anymore...I chose not to be present when he started his diatribes. I fought for my marriage....long and hard. But I ended it knowing that I'd done everything possible trying to hold it together. That alone was affirmation...I gave it 110% and I tried. He called me in 07, 6 years after our divorce Crying telling me how sorry he was for treating me like shit. I'm happily remarried to the most amazing guy on the planet. You will know when or if it is time to fly. Be well Mouse......Oh and fwiw...make sure you have a plan. You have to have a plan :) Oh...I"m not sure of your age mouse...only that you have a son in high school I think. Late 30's early 40's? I'm on the last quarter of life. I damn sure plan to live it well. Know what I mean!
  • That is what stinks too, me and my husband have certain trips we do every year with our son, Vegas, Montana, Idaho, we always pull out 5th wheel and take quads and have a blast. We have so much fun together, it is unreal to me that he can be such a dick and ruin all that! Of course right now he’s in the OH I’m such a jerk, so sorry phase, but I’ve heard that before too. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with them, maybe they need a frying pan upside the head monthly just to remember! Anyway, I am almost 50 myself, way to old for this crapola… I do appreciate everyone’s support. I know there are some who probably think I’m an idiot to try and work it out, but I just can’t lose everything right now – I just cannot…
  • Hi Mouse :wave: In many ways I walk in your shoes.

    ( as I know you know ) ;)

    I hear you loud & clear and will support you. Just make sure IF you need to leave you have a plan in place BEFORE it hits the fan again.

    In my previous marriage I was ready 6 months before it hit the fan again and when it did I walked away. I felt much better knowing I had a plan :hug:

    L1 - S2 "gone" useless in 1 way or another. DDD. RA. Bone Spurs. Tons of nerve damage/issues. Stenosis. Both knees replaced. 50 yrs old. I had a great fall (hence my user name) at age 41 and it has been a domino effect every since.
  • And get some financial issues in order so that when/if it does, I can financially keep my house and take care of myself. My son will be 18 soon, and he goes to high school and works his butt off so he takes care of his own finances Which is good! At least I don’t have to worry about him too much. He’s a good kid.. I guess one of my biggest worries is that he and his dad get into it trying to keep the peace. They are best buddies, but there was one time when Kris grabbed his dad around the waste and arms and was just screaming at him, “Dad, calm the “F” down”! My son never swears (unlike his momma) but he was so mad! His dad was slamming his fist on the top of the stove and broke a burner (about a year ago) and Kris was so mad. My son is 6 foot 7 inches and a body builder so he doesn’t have much trouble keeping the old man under control but it should NEVER have to come to that.
    Last night in court (which is like a bunch of retards at the chuckie cheese) he got off pretty easy. They had messed up and didn’t have any of the police reports, etc, you could tell it was a bunch of idiots running the place, similar to what I work with. Anyway, the prosecuter dropped everything except the public intox charge and made him pay a whopping 190 dollar fine – that was it…
  • I am truly sorry for what you are going thru, and i wish the best for you.
    You dont deserve to be treated like that, but only "you" can decide what path to take.
    Everyone here, myself included will be here to support you, with whatever decision you make.

    I went thru that with my "ex" which i wont get into, as this is your thread not mine.
    I have been thru all the legal bullsh**, thats involved, and it turns into supporting 2 households, on the same income that was previously supporting 1 household.

    But if it has to be done for your safety and well-being, then you must decide when and if the time is right.
    Just keep doing what you feel is best for you and your son, and when in your heart you you make your final decision, go for it, and dont look back.
  • Hey Gal....where are you? Please check in and say hi. I'm rooting for you. I hope...I know you do...but I hope you have whatever support system close by. My dearest of dear listened to my horrific shit, let me boohoo...and were my greatest cheerleaders too. Just thinking of you lady :) Take care of YOURSELF.
  • stopping by to check on you as well :hug:
    L1 - S2 "gone" useless in 1 way or another. DDD. RA. Bone Spurs. Tons of nerve damage/issues. Stenosis. Both knees replaced. 50 yrs old. I had a great fall (hence my user name) at age 41 and it has been a domino effect every since.
  • Marion,

    Inquiring minds want to know? How are you, and how is it going on the home front? Thoughts and prayers heading your way! *HUGZ*

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Thanks for asking. He is home now, and so far all is well. He has apologized profusely for scaring me so much and I am sure he means it right now. We’ll see what the future brings. I wish things would stay as they are right now, I really do. He did say he thought this was a good thing and he thought he needed a kick in the A$$ because he has been spending way too much time and money at the bar and how stupid that is when he has a wife at home fixing him a nice dinner, cleaning the house and doing everything while he plops on a bar stool. I agree with that, but that could all change again. We’ll see – time will tell I suppose…
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