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how do you get your family to understand the pain!

tammycttammyc Posts: 894
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:50 AM in Neck Pain: Cervical
Hi all,

I've been living with back,neck ,leg and arm pain for about eight years now,had an operation on my neck that did seem to help my problems but then the car accident put me right back where i started from again,in deep pain. So how do i get my family to understand that the pain is debilitating and they need to help me out when i'm feeling it bad. I know that they've helped me out a lot of the years and i can understand that there getting tired of trying to carry the load too,but if i push myself too much then the pain gets so severe that i can't stand it.It seems sometimes like they think that i'm capable of doing more than i am but there just not saying so.I don't want them to end up hating me because i can't pull my weight and i feel like thats starting to happen.So how do i get them to understand that there are many days where i just can't do all that i want to do and that i need them to help out more then most families. :<
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Comments

  • Tammy,

    I wish I had answers for you and many others on this forum, but unfortunately there is no magic bullet to make them see how we feel each and everyday. However here is a link to a letter that has been on the forums for quit sometime that might help. Print it off and put it on your ice box as I am sure this is how you feel.

    http://www.spine-health.com/forum/chronic-pain/letter-normals-a-person-chronic-pain

    Hope that helps.
  • >:D< Tammy >:D<
    I don't know what you can do. I have a similar situation right now. It stinks! It is only myself, my husband and my daughter who is 17. The rest of my family lives in different States far away.

    I had a great day yesterday through this afternoon- and then everything came screaming back! I assume that you are like me and don't know when to stop- you are probably pulling your own weight plus some but are used to pulling 3-4 times your weight :?

    My house isn't as clean as I would like it, but I can't do it all any more. I manage everything else and expect help with the house work. When he's home& rested(about 1-2 a month)we have a cleaning Saturday. I make a list and pick what I think I can do and then my husband does the vaccuming & my daughter picks up does laundry etc.

    I usually do most of the grocery shopping (some times hubby comes) and then I have one of them put away the groceries. Trips to the mall are few and far between. 3-4 days a week I cook and try to make a double meal so we can have left overs & lunches.

    We manage. I had to let a lot of my "perfection" go. I got that way after my lumbar fusion. I can't expect everyone to feel as passionate about a clean house as me ;))

    I have been teaching my daughter to cook a few things and once in awhile my husband does the cooking- they always leave a mess but I usually let it wait till I am ready to clean the kitchen (still do daily but used to do after each meal).

    How big is your family? Can you make a chart /spread sheet and aske them to each do a chore or 2 daily?

    Maybe you can see a family counselor so you can sort out the details and get the support you need? Or can you hire some one to come in 1-2 a week and work for a few hours? I couldn't afford it, but if I could I am guessing that I could find a way to bill it back to the auto insurance....

    Try to be patient with your family. I know how hard it is sometimes we want thing done now and done right. My daughter -bless her heart will do anything I ask- she never says no, but doesn't jump up and get right to it (that used to anger me- now I gently keep reminding her till it gets done.


    My medication is telling me I am fone for the night. I wish there was some better I could for youo.

    Julie

  • >:D< Tammy >:D<
    I don't know what you can do. I have a similar situation right now. It stinks! It is only myself, my husband and my daughter who is 17. The rest of my family lives in different States far away.

    I had a great day yesterday through this afternoon- and then everything came screaming back! I assume that you are like me and don't know when to stop- you are probably pulling your own weight plus some but are used to pulling 3-4 times your weight :?

    My house isn't as clean as I would like it, but I can't do it all any more. I manage everything else and expect help with the house work. When he's home& rested(about 1-2 a month)we have a cleaning Saturday. I make a list and pick what I think I can do and then my husband does the vaccuming & my daughter picks up does laundry etc.

    I usually do most of the grocery shopping (some times hubby comes) and then I have one of them put away the groceries. Trips to the mall are few and far between. 3-4 days a week I cook and try to make a double meal so we can have left overs & lunches.

    We manage. I had to let a lot of my "perfection" go. I got that way after my lumbar fusion. I can't expect everyone to feel as passionate about a clean house as me ;))

    I have been teaching my daughter to cook a few things and once in awhile my husband does the cooking- they always leave a mess but I usually let it wait till I am ready to clean the kitchen (still do daily but used to do after each meal).

    How big is your family? Can you make a chart /spread sheet and aske them to each do a chore or 2 daily?

    Maybe you can see a family counselor so you can sort out the details and get the support you need? Or can you hire some one to come in 1-2 a week and work for a few hours? I couldn't afford it, but if I could I am guessing that I could find a way to bill it back to the auto insurance....

    Try to be patient with your family. I know how hard it is sometimes we want thing done now and done right. My daughter -bless her heart will do anything I ask- she never says no, but doesn't jump up and get right to it (that used to anger me- now I gently keep reminding her till it gets done.


    My medication is telling me I am fone for the night. I wish there was some better I could for youo.

    Julie

  • >:D< Tammy >:D<
    I don't know what you can do. I have a similar situation right now. It stinks! It is only myself, my husband and my daughter who is 17. The rest of my family lives in different States far away.

    I had a great day yesterday through this afternoon- and then everything came screaming back! I assume that you are like me and don't know when to stop- you are probably pulling your own weight plus some but are used to pulling 3-4 times your weight :?

    My house isn't as clean as I would like it, but I can't do it all any more. I manage everything else and expect help with the house work. When he's home& rested(about 1-2 a month)we have a cleaning Saturday. I make a list and pick what I think I can do and then my husband does the vaccuming & my daughter picks up does laundry etc.

    I usually do most of the grocery shopping (some times hubby comes) and then I have one of them put away the groceries. Trips to the mall are few and far between. 3-4 days a week I cook and try to make a double meal so we can have left overs & lunches.

    We manage. I had to let a lot of my "perfection" go. I got that way after my lumbar fusion. I can't expect everyone to feel as passionate about a clean house as me ;))

    I have been teaching my daughter to cook a few things and once in awhile my husband does the cooking- they always leave a mess but I usually let it wait till I am ready to clean the kitchen (still do daily but used to do after each meal).

    How big is your family? Can you make a chart /spread sheet and aske them to each do a chore or 2 daily?

    Maybe you can see a family counselor so you can sort out the details and get the support you need? Or can you hire some one to come in 1-2 a week and work for a few hours? I couldn't afford it, but if I could I am guessing that I could find a way to bill it back to the auto insurance....

    Try to be patient with your family. I know how hard it is sometimes we want thing done now and done right. My daughter -bless her heart will do anything I ask- she never says no, but doesn't jump up and get right to it (that used to anger me- now I gently keep reminding her till it gets done.


    My medication is telling me I am fone for the night. I wish there was some better I could for youo.

    Julie

  • jlrfryejjlrfrye ohioPosts: 1,110
    You are just going to have to be brutally honest with your family. Tell them you will not apologize for a condition you cannot control. Be very specific when describing your pain and what a day in your life is like. Tell them what activities aggravate your condition and put them on notice you will no longer do the things that cause a major flare-up. Stick to your guns and do not back down. Explain that you are only trying to make your quality of life better. There is a letter on SH that is for a chronic pain patient and what their life is like. Perhaps you can make copies and give them to your family. Good luck. I have learned to say no to my family and my life has become easier but in the beginning it was hard to stick to what I told them.
    Susan
  • Hi and sorry for what your going thru.
    Looking at your signature line, it's been a while since your last surgery, and unfortunally it's human nature for people to forget and take things for granted.
    So maybe if you called for a family sit-down and gently told everyone your heart felt feelings they might be more responsive.

    And Julie has a great idea about the cleaning part. Maybe 1 saturday a month or every 2 months have a house cleaning where everyone chips in.

    I'm divorced and my 2 kids live with me, and they are extremely helpful. They know i'm in pain everyday. But i still do some things.

    Tho i think i'm gonna go the same way Julie did.
    Right before my surgery we did that at my house had a big cleaning over 2 weekends.

    Susan said it best, just tell your family you need more help.

    Best of luck.

  • For $75 per, I have a wonderful lady who comes in & cleans my house thoroughly and do the laundry. Best money I have ever spent. And my house is not especially small & it gets covered in dog hair.

    I hate to clean & I don't do a very good job anyway, so she is well worth it. I hired her before my back/neck got really bad.

    As frugal as DH is, the last thing we would ever give up would be our cleaning lady. She is a bargain on so many levels.

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