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ljsunshine_elljsunshine_e Posts: 52
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:50 AM in Depression and Coping
Well first i guess I should give some info 28 mother of 3 divorced once now living with boyfriend of 4 years. I have always had thoughts of suicide. I never knew that it was abnormal to have these thoughts. Yeah I was abused as a child mental physical sexual. Not by my parents but a family member non the less. No I never told anyone until this year. I started hearing voices, so I went an got some help been on cymbalta and some other antidepressant that I don't remember how to spell. Seem to work okay at first but I don't think depression is the only problem I get really angry over little stuff it's like I snap. Yes I have told the doctor about this. So they upped the dose. Still getting out of hand and still having really bad thoughts. I have scoliosis as well. I don't know the curve just that I now have a hump on my right shoulder. Saw a neurosurgeon who said i have spondylolthesis said i need surgery. Didn't stop smoking so he booted me, yeah I know dumb of me. Told my regular doctor and he sent me to a neurologist. He says I have no nerve damage and is sending me to pain management. Then today my boyfriend told me all I ever do is complain about being in pain, so he would rather leave for the night and not wake me up to tell me. So I am really tired of trying to get any help or support. Heck I don't even know why I am writing this.


  • Sunshine,
    You are doing this to help yourself and well done you, many people have accumulative issues and even you acknowledge that to continue smoking gave the wrong impression, your eventful situation may need additional support and guidance and where do you get that from.

    You have been honest in divulging difficult issues that in isolation anyone would find hard and the key perhaps is to do the most important ones first, what do you want to happen. Who do you talk to about those bad thoughts and has your doctor suggested any additional help, go and see him print out your letter and show it him, these are all issues that are important to you.

    I have three children also, now teenagers which is a great responsibility while in pain, who do you have that helps you do some of these tasks, where can you get help, who do you trust. Most of the people who support us are not in pain and it is difficult for them to equate how living in pain all the time feels, have you asked for help and are you getting any, you are entitled to complain and get the support you require, you are a strong person for dealing with all that has gone on and keeping these issue to yourself from childhood is not easy or anything you should be expected to cope with in isolation.

    You have told us your issues eloquently and we are all unknown to you, that was a brave and developing skill and we have only words of comfort and similar experiences in which to support you.

    I send you a hug and all our best wishes.

    Take care you.


  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,842
    he is one of our members that really understands the severity of spinal problems, its impacts on life , but also he has a keen insight into life itself.

    I am sure you are very frustrated by all of this.
    I can not imagine what you went through in your early years, but I am glad to see that you have sought help.
    No one should have to bear that by themselves.

    Its hard for any of us to comment on your spinal condition, so if you could provide us with some more details... Your problem, the diagnostic testing you have had, the medications you are on, the current treatment you are on and what your doctor has for your immediate and mid-term actions.

    You will find so many members who are always willing to listen. I read your post and in no way did I look at it as complaining. You have some real life
    difficulties and we can see that you have dealt with them and still coming out.. I think someone who has been what you have been through will have a much easier time dealing with any spinal condition.

    My best to you, my welcome to you here at Spine-Health and hopefully, some of us can provide you with a 'safety-net' to help you day to day.
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • So in all I have had 3 MRIs 2 CT scans a EMG been on celebrex tramadol amrix flexerile. I was on 5/500 hydrocodone told the NS I had to take more of it for it to work and he stopped it. He was the NS that told me I might need surgery. That I messed up and didn't stop smoking. I have only the images from my MRI at the moment and I have to start collecting all my records from ER visits and the NS neurologist. Hope to have more info soon. Went to neurologist no nerve damage so he prescribed PT and pain management. I really dont have very much information.
  • i too have a little angry streak in me and have no where near the spine damage or the other mental stress you face.

    doctors suc. especially when they are giving you horrible news.
    and pt sounds like no solution.
    i was like why the hell cant you fix this stuff.

    my brother suffers from manic depression and has had complete psychotic breaks; has had voices too.
    what helped him was finding a good psychiatrist, who he trusts and can talk to. most of my family have had counseling from him at one time or another. he takes medication for his problems, but really its the talking that helps/

    i take my anger to the the pool/
    but before they get your pain under control/
    its hard so damn unfair/

    maybe you need a break. perhaps someone can help you with the kids, grandma or even a neighbor, i am not sure how old your kids are.

    even writing things down might help.
    i meditate a bit, when nothing else works i wish my self away to a better place kinda. accupture from my pt helped with the buzzing machine help very short term for pain.

    my brother smokes too. i give him heaps for it. but for you it is a symptom of how stressed and pained you are. maybe nicotine replacement could help short term so you qualify for surgery.

    you're worth the fight.
    you're not going to be alone.

    this is a great place to complain. come here often.
    all the time. i wore my husband ears off complaining till i found this site.

    its okay to be mad, to cry. but dont be alone. find a compassionate doctor.
    i send you a big hug.
    tell us how you get on.

  • Sunshine,
    The difficulty for us as pain patients is that our specific diagnosis does not always relate to pain itself and the opposite is true that even without a categoric evidence pain can seem apparent without proportional evidence.

    The management of pain comes with experience,that is over a timescale many here provide support that foreshortens the need to have time as the only criteria for experience. Pain related experience equates to things that do not work for us and others that do, as is always suggested and takes time, we need to find what works for us as an individuals, ideas here are proposals that have worked for some, managing pain to some extent although prescriptive to an extent it is not an exclusive list that once addressed would provide adequate pain relief.

    We could be doing similar things with alterative results, the foundation of pacing and proportionate medication use, do help as the building blocks of a successful strategy. All of this takes time more than we surmised initially, in our unknowing we thought our pain would be managed adequately and within a proposed timescale, for many that expectation never becomes reality as we try to manage our daily life and function.

    Many here have already had a lifetime of pain and generous in sharing new ideas and the frustration of how difficult that continuing struggle can be, in knowing how hard this journey can be at times it is beneficial to help ease the path for those who are following and walking similar steps, all our individual lives are nuanced in personal experience, where the commonality is pain itself. Perhaps short cuts are not possible only in our imagination, however long our history pain is pain and we can all equate with the specific difficulty that brings, progress needs to be progressive and as Sternbach said, “do not make pain a career” find some peace and use that internal strength to help yourself cope more effectively.

    This will be a long journey and in finding a more effective route and strategy , we limit the time needed for repairs on the way.

    Take care. John.
  • I went to PM he was very nice he is the first doctor to go over my MRI's with me. He did 2 injections at the first visit. Which I do not think are helping as much as he hoped. Heck he even made me cry during the exam I am sure he didnt mean to. Dont get me wrong this is the best I have felt in a long long time. At least physically, the mental thing is like I am two different people. I am kinda afraid to call my therapist as I did cancel my last appointment. (was out of state my dad is dieing of cancer he is still fighting so thats good) I just dont understand why new people make me so nervous. My kiddos and hubby have noticed that I dont complain to them as much. This is gonna be a very long journey for me. However I think I am going to be okay just gotta remember all the damage was not done at once so it can not be fixed all at once.
  • Is part of the disease. There can be a point when even the familiar is nerve racking. Being afraid to call your therapist is the exact reason you need to.
    You had a very valid reason to cancel. no one could fault you for going to see a sick parent.

    I've chased depression and had it haunt me in return for about the last 18 years. The "accident" only stacked pain on top of what we know now is Bi-polar type II, basically a depression that sees very little normal or manic episodes. The good news is it pointed me towards meds that actually help!

    Somewhere there is an answer that makes things bearable. We just have to find the correct ones for us. Each answer is a little different.

    I use my wife as a crutch, I don't even know if she realizes it. When she wants to do something that feels foreign and wrong I try to grit my teeth and just go. She is doing it, so I can to. Sometimes I have very good experiences, sometimes not so much. The things that I don't like I stop doing after a couple of tries.

    Like riding a roller coaster, I was scared to death of them when I was a kid. tried again in my 20's still scared the C**P out of me. Then we went to the big DW in Florida and I thought,"self, this is ridicules" "very few people ever die on these things". So I just did it, Instead of thinking how scared I was, I thought of how cool it was to be able to hang in there. Now, even though I doubt my PM would be happy, I still ride one from time to time.

    One of my current and often used thoughts is " a hundred years from now this will matter to no one".

    I also try to remember that no one ever laid on a death bed and said, "I wish I had worked more"...
  • Wrambler,
    Those here who have endured pain for many years have an aura of coping, it is not that the pain has reduced over time, rather experience knowledge and implementation has tipped that balance, my pain does not hurt any less than it ever did and it is a credit to myself that I only look as if I am not in pain where the opposite is true. Wrambler is correct in saying that the solution for all of us differs, for some it may not be the overall cure, rather a reduction of pain itself which may improve our quality of life, we do not know when we set our initial objective that it may be unattainable and as with all goals we have to evaluate and review on an ongoing basis, it is not failure to be accepting less if the reality of our initial expectation was wrong.

    Emotionally these changes are difficult to acknowledge or even embrace, we read others success and in our hope expect to have similar results, our objective to live a bigger life than pain may suggest, moving beyond those, what ifs or yes but ! are part of managing the pain and ourselves more effectively. I have always had a rolling objective list, which included my hopes, dreams and expectations, and even more a “just do it” individual.

    In pain we are sometimes mandated to express how we feel to others and our integrity held aloft for all those have an opinion, it is not easy divulging our foibles, that two differing people sunshine mention is an interesting point, us against ourselves, in PM we were encouraged to managed our inner self more effectively and question those periodic or continuing thoughts.

    Take care, John
  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 5,427
    It is good that you are here for added support. And it is good with keeping the doctor informed of everything.
    I just wanted to add ...re' the hearing voices...That has happened to me on and off. Recently, I learned that it is also a symptom of a sleep disorder.
    I was prepared for anything, and willing to treat whatever was wrong. For me, being treated for my sleep disorder has not only helped me sleep...but I no longer hear voices or feel the presence of someone in my room.
    Just thought I'd throw that out there.
    Take care!
    Spine-Health Moderator
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

  • you might be on to something I have been known to stay up for 2 or 3 days at a time with no sleep. My GP saw no problem with this nor did my therapist. Might have to mention it again and ask her what she thinks. Thank you so much
  • I have not called my therapist I have Pneumonia. I am not in a good mental place. I feel like I am a total burden. I can not work or clean the house. I know I need to call and I will, as soon as I kick this Pneumonia. I doubt my therapist wants it. I did get a referral to a orthopedic I think thats how its spelled. I hope it goes well and he can help with scoliosis. I just dont know why I keep trying when there are so few answers.
  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 5,427
    I feel the same way even though people say..."Oh, no" Often times they show it by dropping off the keeping in touch friend list.
    But that only makes the friends that hang in there ,or even try to understand, so much more valuable.
    I get that being so exhausted to continuing caring for myself...often times wanting to give up.
    But you know, we are the best ones to take care of ourselves. We know the painful situation we're in. The "keep on keeping on" comes from my inner fear that no one will medicate my pain if I don't remain actively involved in every aspect of my care.
    And we still have purpose. Sharing our lives with others who can benefit.. not just here.. but doctor's office and other places I find myself in like I never could have imagined I'd be there.
    And meeting people that I never would have if not for the pain I'm in.
    We still have worth! and I'm saying that to myself at the same time. :)
    Take care and keep on keeping on!
    Spine-Health Moderator
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

  • I realize now that I was complaining to my man because I wanted some form of sympathy from him. We talked about it. He told me nope I will not feel sorry for you, I dont pity you. I started to cry then he grabbed my hand and told me I will try to understand I will always be here for you. I only pity those without hope and you should have hope. Cause I love you and need you in my life.
    This really blew my mind I have never really been around anyone that acted this way. I dont express emotions well, turns out all I needed was to ask him for help.
  • Wow sunshine, what a great breakthrough you had with your bf. I'm so happy that you were able to talk, and got all of that out in the open, and so happy that you had a realization of things.

    If we had a "like" or "agree" button, I would so press it on Z06's post. It may seem harsh, but it's true. People don't want to hear us complain or talk about our pain all the time. When you step back and look at the situation, it does seem like we're being self-centered, doesn't it? and, the pain certainly does not define us, who we really are.

    Anyways, I was just wondering how you're doing, have been thinking of you!! Hope you are well, all things considered, today.
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
  • I'm working on it. My DH is very supportive & helps out with everything. I finally realized my complaining was not to gin up some sympathy--my purpose was to let him know about my limitations so he wouldn't expect me to do things I can't do.

    He's informed enough now that he understands my condition & if anything, he' over protective & wishes I'd do a little less.

    He read the Letter to Normals & that helped alot. He also went with me to my last appointment with my GP to go over MRI results.

    I realized that it makes more sense for me to simply inform, rather than complain, ie I'm not really up to going to the store today, etc.

    He always asks how my pain is & I tell him the truth.

    Though I admit, when I wake up in the middle of the night with a screamin 8, I complain, whine & whimper. But that is happening less since my med change.

  • ljsunshine. Makes a lot of difference when you both understand where you are coming from.

    Oh and here's something for you Kelly.


  • Thanks Graham, but I kept pressing it, and nothing happened!!! =))
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
  • Well I went to the ortho doc today sat for 2 hours for him to tell me he cant help. Oh well I am going to keep on keeping on. I did find out I have mild facet joint arthropathy. So I have been looking that up. Strange it just now shows up on the MRI. I am going to busy the next couple days my daughter was just diagnosed with scoliosis and she has also been having back pain. At least I know how to help her cope somewhat. Thanks for all the support.
  • Sunshine, I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. At least she has you to help her through, and you have her to help you as well. You can make a great, strong team to get through the bad days together.
    So what's the next step, now that you've seen the ortho? Have you seen a neuro-surgeon, or been back to the PM again?

    I'm so glad to hear you say that you're going to keep on keepin' on. That's all that we all can do, it's finding the things that make it easier that is the trick. How are you feeling now with the pneumonia? Is it letting up at all?

    Don't forget to take lots of breaks, and take care of you, too, over the next couple of days, you don't want to relapse with the pneumonia, or trigger a pain flare. Kep us updated on how you are doing, okay?
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
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