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I think I'm going down FAST

asignor908aasignor908 Posts: 339
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:50 AM in Back Surgery and Neck Surgery
Hi my dear friends,

First I want to thank you for all the support in the past, it has been very helpful. I also want to thank you for being there to just listen and care.

This is a very dark time for me and I truly don't think I will be around much longer. I live in pain with so many other issues like, depression, lack of any energy, a feace that now gets red flaky blotches that I hate to look at, and a big fat gut, my weight recently shot up another 20 lbs after a steroid treatment for a week in the hospital. I have tried and tried to lose the weight but I am on anti depressant, anti anxiety, and pain meds which is making it impossible. In addition to no exercise at all.

I guess I hate myself and my life. to be honest I am thinking being on pain meds for over 3 years maybe the cause but also being honest I don't want to give them up. I don't know why I don't want to, I see all my issues, and of course chronic pain. I have told myself that my pain wasn't so bad (while on the pain meds) then I try to reduce them on my own, pain gets worse withing 8 hours and then I'm right back where I was.

I think about killing myself all the time (this is NOT a suicide note) but they way I feel now and with other health issues I don't think I will have to, but I just get hit with strong suicidal thoughts several times a day. I also suffer from PTSD and have some severe night terrors so I am in physical and emotional pain. I don't want my wife to have to live with a 55 year old man that acts like 85. She could have a better life without me in it. I'm an anchor on her and society serving no purpose but to cost money.

If I sound like I'm full of self pity forgive me, and I will admit to self hatered. I never use to be this way, I use to enjoy things and not want to die, but now it's just so overwhelming.

If anyone has any suggestions I'd love to hear them. Sorry for the long post, but I just wanted to share I guess. Well nothing else to say. Thanks for being there.



  • Hi Al

    Guess tonight I'm your fellow nightowl. I know how you feel. Some days it is so overwhelming and there seems to be no happy ending out there....just more doctors and more meds.

    I know you have tried so much on your own, but I'm wondering if you have considered an inpatient treatment program? Not even really sure if such a thing exists but it would seem that there should be something similar to an AA program where your meds get monitored and stabilized (not cutoff), you eat healthy meals regularly, attend group and private counceling and get into an overall healthier way of living. Sometimes what we really need is a little tough love that makes us get up and get dressed and moving even on the days when we want to stay in the jammies. I know I don't feel human until I take a shower in the morning but there are days I try to convince myself not to.

    Again I'm not sure if a program like this exists...but it should. And if it did it would have to be a bit tough. I think Blazer once mentioned something like this that was a pain med detox. He could probably give you more info.

    I think you are a really tough man who doesn't want to give up. You wouldn't be here if you did. You just need to find the right way to get yourself back together. Remember we all need a hand to pull ourselves back up.
  • I hope you got some sleep. It's always darkest before the dawn (I think you posted at 4am!?). A good sleep can help us feel better.

    I always feel obliged to respond to your type of post - unless many others already have replied - and I think you will get a lot of replies as the day goes on.

    First thing - You said that this is not a suicide note (Praise God!), but it is a cry for help, obviously, so firstly - you got to get to a professional to work out a plan for dealing with all this - counsellor, therapist, social worker - It sounds like you're trying to deal with this on your own, and I think when the suicidal thoughts are plaguing us, we can't handle it alone. One of the things I always think about too is that many of the medications we take can induce these thoughts (or make them worse or more prevalent).

    So Monday morning - I would call and make an appointment with SOMEONE, to help you deal with this. If you are already seeing someone (I see you're on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety) - if they're not helping, find someone new.

    Secondly - there seem to be some medication/treatment issues for you - you talk about wanting to stop taking pain meds, and then 8 hours later the pain is so bad, you're on them again. I know I constantly think - Oh - I feel OK, maybe I can stop taking my meds. But the reason I feel OK is BECAUSE I'm taking the meds. As Kris says however, perhaps there is some sort of in-patient care you can get so you can detox if you want - or perhaps they can help you find a better combo of meds, or help you manage pain better. I have also had chronic pain for over three years (Oh where does the time go?) - I have a wonderful PM Dr who really listens to me and adjusts my medications (type, dosage, IR to ER, etc.) as my needs change (and they seem to change every 6 mths to a year). So I'm not sure what's going on with your meds, but THERE ARE OTHER OPTIONS - you aren't at the end of the road. I also know that horrible feeling from steroids - I completely lost my waist very suddenly after injections (not to mention all the pain, and "flushing" I get from them). BLAH!! There are so many side effects from all the treatments we have - they really make you feel crappy - and of course, this adds into the depression - so - there is work for you there where you can change things up or take a break or whatever.

    Thirdly, I want to let you know that I (and many, many others with chronic pain) have the same thoughts and feelings as you are expressing, and I want to tell you some of the things I think of to combat those thoughts. I DON'T WANT TO MINIMIZE WHAT YOU ARE FEELING THOUGH (see point #1 - I think you could benefit from professional help - I think I COULD BENEFIT!!).

    I was 42 years old when I hurt my back, and at the time - I felt and was so young, healthy, energetic. I felt like the Energizer Bunny. After I hurt my back - I FEEL AND AM LIKE A 75 - 80 YEAR OLD WOMAN. I WAS a workaholic; I USED TO walk hours every day; I WAS "IMPORTANT" at my job. And NOW I do feel like a big useless, expensive, lump.

    You say you feel bad for your wife - Well - what about the wedding vow - That vow is only truly real, when we keep the vow, EVEN WHEN IT'S REALLY HARD. I'm sure your wife is sick of you sometimes (as all wives get sick of their husbands), and, if you love each other, I'm sure sure there are many, many times when she is so grateful to have you in her life - That you add purpose and meaning to her life. If she's stuck with you the last three years, I'm sure she doesn't want you gone - no-one wants to come home and find their loved one gone. And I believe - even in our "useless" state - we have a responsibility to one another to stick around. Who knows the value of a person? No one can say - this person who is physically able and "successful" is worth more than that person with chronic pain. What about Bernie Madoff? What about Tiger Woods cheating on his wife? How do we measure the value of a person?

    Anyway - I was always the over-achiever, the hard worker, the "good" person - and that was taken away from me. And as so many people talk about on here, I had to (and continue to) reinvent myself. The NEW ME (that I'm still trying to create) is SOMEONE WHO LOVES OTHERS, WHO LISTENS TO OTHERS, SOMEONE WHO SMILES A LOT, AND IS HAPPY TO SEE THEIR FRIENDS. I ask myself, who can I be for other people - maybe just someone who makes others feel good about themselves, even if I am very physically limited. I don't know how good I'm going at this "transformation", but I keep going.

    That's all we can do, keep going. I always think of all this as just a journey, and we just have to keep going. The flip-side is, you don't know how your life would be if you didn't have chronic pain - maybe other problems would plauge you (no doubt there would be something).

    Finally - I count my blessings - that I was 42 and not 22 when I hurt my back - so I was able to do things for a long time; that I don't have the hell of failed back surgery (because I've never had surgery). That I have a warm bed to go to at night, that I have food to eat (Yeah - I'm worried right now about finances, losing my benefit, the state of the economy, etc. etc.) - BUT I REALLY FOCUS ON ONE DAY AT A TIME - And I just focus on being thankful for this day only - not worrying about all the things I can't control. Grateful for my husband. Grateful whenever someone understands my pain and how it limits me.

    I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself. God bless.
  • Hi there...sounds like you are still looking for solutions and you still have hope amidst your despair. Chronic pain is like no other. Accompany that with PTSD and it's a challenge.

    I agree that it might be time to consider an in-patient treatment program or at least a routine treatment program.

    I haven't had nearly the challenges you have had with my back and still, battle depression over pain, weight gain, loss of independence, and guilt that I'm a burden to others.

    As for your wife, I know you feel as if you are a burden but do not push her away. She is a grown person who can decide on her own if she wants to stay or go. She is with you because she wants to be.

    I wish I had more advice than the others did but I don't. What I can tell you is that you are grieving just as one would grieve over the loss of a loved one. You are grieving loss of what once was. It is not easy and there is no shame in the way you are feeling or the fact that you need support.

    Chronic pain is very isolating. It is one day at a time, and sometimes, just one hour at a time. It's re-setting the bar on pain and normal. Know that we are here for you but also know that there are professionals that can help too.

    Gentle hugs.
  • HI Al,

    Things are always darker in the middle of the night when the rest of the world is sleeping, and your wide awake and feeling bad. Not a good place to be at all. I personally strongly encourage you to seek some professional counseling. Sure where always here to lend a ear, and were open 24/7, but I think you need some one on one face time with someone else. There is nothing wrong with seeking counseling as many chronic pain patients need it. Sometimes we have the answer within us we just need someone to help draw it out of us by talking. Also it can help just knowing someone is listening. We hear you we get it, but I think you need that one on one direct contact with someone.

    As far as your pain medicines and taking them. It is okay that your taking pain medicine. They are not some evil in the world. If the meds make you feel better so you can get up and about then by all means use them. That is the intent of them. I had a pm raise my meds to a point to get me through some physical therapy, as kind of a jump start. His theory worked to reduce the pain to get me up about, which in turn made me feel better about myself. Of course we are not doctors though and I don't know if you have some meds that could be counter acting, so you might want to review your meds with your doctor. If the meds have you in some fog that keeps your from getting around, talk with your doctor, there is so many choices out there. But seriously you need to have the pain reduced so you can get more done.

    For myself we have come to the conclusion I will be using opiods the rest of my life, if all things stay the change. I always keep in the back of my mind that nothing last forever, so who really knows what the future holds.

    You will see many on here whom have come to terms dealing with chronic pain. But trust me it is a process. They just didn't get there over night. We like to work from the premise of having a tool box and different tools to deal with chronic pain. One of those tools also deals with our emotional state each day, along with all the other things as ice, heat, meds, aroma therapy, injections and the list goes on. I found it very hard to transition from who I was to whom I am. It didn't happen over night and it was a process. Because you can't lift a 100lbs any longer or run or skip down the street, doesn't make you a bad person, just makes you different from the person next door. That is the very thing that makes us unigue is the differences we all face. Al, I encourage you to get some counseling and find the new you, and not focus on what you can't do but what you can do. Life is always changing, I am not the same person I was at 18 physically or mentally. The difference is that change happened gradually were this was more rapid and most of us weren't prepared.

    Al, hopefully they can get your pain to a more controlled state, so you can move about more, which in turn should give you more self worth. Always know one thing we are here for you.
  • Al, man obviously I can't feel what you're feeling, but I do feel for you. Tell me what your rank was in the military, won't you? I want to know, because I want to know how to address you, one G.I. to another. I surely don't know your circumstance, but I get the feeling that if I were in the room with you right now, I'd fall back to one of the few techniques that I like to use. I feel like I'd put on my best drill sgt. voice, a 'Smokey the Bear' and get in your face. Ya remember in basic and in advanced training when people yelled at us, it wasn't for fun..it was so we didn't get our dumb asses killed somewhere by some schmuck. I want to get in your face because I feel that this illness/mindset is an enemy that's threatening to overrun you. Remember the Code of Conduct? Remember the part "I will never surrender of my own free will?" I don't know about you, but I meant that when I swore on it. Mister, I surely don't know your situation, but you are not defeated. It sounds like you are up to your ass in grenade pins and empty brass, but you ain't done. DO NOT SURRENDER. EVER. Make the enemy defeat you. Hey, we managed to not get killed overseas by some dink..I don't know about you, but I'll be damned if I go down here without a fight.

    Anyhow, thats's what I'd tell you if I were in the room with you...but the language would be a little more colorful!

  • It's very discoraging putting on weight from meds or steroids and know you can overcome this. I put on 45lbs with Lyrica and from inactivity, possibley steroids also but was able to get it off again dropping Lyrica and going on Cymbalta for nerve pain and it's also an anti-depressant. I also take Wellbutrin an anti-depressant and it helps with energy levels. Give yourself some space to not do all what you could do before but take small steps to have a routine everyday daily walking for a few minutes several times a day and exercise. I know you're still early with your surgery recovery and healing time is a very long time but you can do this.

    I also sruggle with PSTD from my childhood and my brother went to an inpatient program to deal with his but I haven't yet but have talked with a Counselor about this.

    Some meds you take can cause some negative go nowhere thoughts and your Dr. should be alerted to how you're feeling and give time for new meds to help. This is a process to get from one day to the next and I try to live one day at a time. Three years this weekend I've been out of work with my back injury and it's not easy with chronic pain.

    Sometimes you have to get out if only to get to Physiotherapy or daily walks. I know it's not easy for us living in the winter and know it can be more than February blahs. Thanks for sharing what many of us have or are going through and know you're not alone.

    Most of all I encourage you to speak with your Dr. about the thoughts you're having and could be a side effect from your meds. Also there's treatment for your face also with Uremol or steroid cream(low dose) you can get and using mineral make up to cover that up. Make a little list and bring to your Dr. this or even print this page out. Thinking of you and praying things will get better for you. Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • Well for me im a Christian,and i can tell you that GOD has guided me through my injury,and this morning i got to hear lex lugar give his testimony.and i feel blessed that i didnt have his injury,but GOD got him also through his.
  • Al,

    Not sure I can add much for much GOOD no GREAT advice has already been given. From our convos in the forums and in PM's, I know you to be a strong man. You are just in a dark place right now - but the electricity has NOT been cut off, so the room can and will once again brighten!

    From what Aaron said "I will never surrender of my own free will?" - I almost forgot as it has been so long. That oath is for life, not just the times of service. I have been dealing with 'acute' pain from 1985 when I crashed to around 2002, then it became chronic. There are times that I am (or really now, was) as down and you can get. My hubby caught me in one of those moments, and his first comment to me before he scooped me up into a loving hug? "Brenda, don't worry, it's in the vows, "In sickness, and in health", and I mean to abide by and live by those vows." I then had more tears...but they were happy tears!

    Have you spoken to your wife about how you have been feeling? A therapist or counselor would be high on my list if I were you. Your neurologist or GP might even know and trust one that deals with chronic pain and depression. Sadly a lot of this ties together to make us feel worse - the pain, medications, moods, stress, support, etc. Like another said, just a change in medications can change our body chemistry and make all the difference!

    Please please Al, tomorrow when you get up, make the call to see a mental health professional. If you can't get one right away, then call (I know you said your post wasn't a suicide note) the suicide hotline. They are experts in listening and talking, and they can also get you set up to see the proper medical professional asap. As you can see, we are all here with and for you. *HUGZ* Please make the call - no shame at all, okay?

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Hi all,

    I am still here after receiving such wonderful support and advice. I called my psychiatrist emergency line and I will see her today, Monday at 12:30pm with the idea of hopefully getting her to change my antidepressant that I've been on for 12 years. After my wife helped me do some research this weekend we now feel it has quit working for me. I thought the pain meds were causing my depression, but that doesn't seem to make as much sense as the antidepressant quitting after doing the research. I hate changing meds, but I don't care now because I am desperate for improvement.

    I also have an appointment with my NS on Friday to discuss pain options, perhaps like an implant device such as a pain pump or something like that. I guess one question that I didn't directly ask all of you was do you think pain meds themselves causing the severe depression, or the antidepressant quitting after 12 years? I am only look for personal experiences and I don't mean to ask if my pain causes depression, I'm sure it does, I mean the pain meds (oxycodone 100 mgs a day) alone causes it?

    You guys said many great things and kicked me in the rump where I needed it as well. I also spoke to my wife and instead of trying to mind read I simply told her that I thought I was ruining her life and she'd be better off if I were gone. She gave me a very convincing speech on why she wants me to hang around so that was an issue again in my head and not hers.

    To answer on post question, I was only an E-3 when in the Army before being hurt in a very personal way and I am 100% service connected disabled vet now.

    Please tell me if you all feel I am right about the pain meds not causing depression to appear by themselves which is what I originally was thinking and caused to want to hurry up and try to get off of them because of how bad the depression has been.

    Hope I've made sense here and again my deepest thanks for all your support. I look forward to hearing your opinions and I know I still have a tough road ahead.

    AL S
  • Al,

    So happy to not only see you are lined up with a medical professional that deals with depression, but that you and your wife have talked!!!

    In my humble opinion, yes pain medications *can* and many times do cause depression. Many of the narcotics and opiates we take are 'downers' vs 'uppers' if you know what I mean. Taking them longterm is the key I think. I know with me, I take Oxy, and I am hitting the pillows shortly there after. Many times knowing it will wipe me out, I will let the pain go up so I can get something else done - that doesn't help the mood much either.

    The flip side of that, as long as the therapist knows what you are on for pain, they can make the appropriate adjustment for dosage for anti-depressant medication.

    Again, very proud of you that you now know your wife would NOT be better off without you, and too she is no longer on the outside looking in. That's a lot sometimes to open up, even to those we love and trust. She sounds like a wonderful woman. Please let us know how it goes. *HUGZ* of support to you Al!

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Hey PFC Al, I wish you good luck at your appointment today. Really. It's going to be a wonderful day out, the weather is going to be pretty. What a great day to start down the path to feeling a little better?

    Are you located in Louisiana or just a Saints fan?

    All the best,

  • I am so glad to hear a more positive post from you. :-)

    I don't really know about the effect that meds can have and if they can cause depression. I suspect that if you want to change the amount that you are taking, you should have advice from a doctor to avoid withdrawal symptoms or other problems.

    I am so pleased that you have talked to your wife and are seeing psychiatrist today.

    You are in a very difficult place at the moment Al, with pain and a sense of a never ending problem, but there is hope. There are other methods of treatment and pain control that can be tried if needed. It is so important that you TALK to people and let them know how low you are.

    I will be praying for you Al. I am so glad that you posted this thread and gave other spineys a chance to help and support you. Keep on talking to us. >:D<

  • Al,

    Good luck on the appointment today, and tell us how it goes. As far as the pain meds causing depression, that would need to be left up to your doctor. From my personal experience till they got the pain some what under control so I could do a bit more caused more depression. I will admit till I worked with the side effects of the medicine it was kind of hard. But to me the role of the meds is to reduce the pain so I can be a little bit more active, but with in reason. So sense I need to lay down for a bit several times throughout the day, the side effect of them making me tired I just plan with those times.

    Warmer weather is on the way and hopefully that will give you a break as well. I am glad to hear you discussed everything with your wife and your on the same program. Keep us posted.
  • Hi friend......hey man, absolutely *yes* on the pain meds. And thanks for your post buddy, I was starting to feel some of the same things.....not suicidal at all, but just sometimes worrying about the end of life happening sooner than later .....moving up on the calendar a little LOL.....and I recognize this now as possible depression. Your post made me feel not alone in this respect. Thanks.

    I too have been on my opiates for 3 plus years. I recently had my guy put me on the kind without the acetaminophen as I am worried about liver damage.

    I'm 2 years older than you and up to Mar 2010 I was doing hardcore work everyday, 12 hours a day on my feet, brutal physical work.

    I had neck surgery to C4/5 and C5/6 about 3 months ago and since then I cannot work out, can't even do sit ups and crunches so I have gone soft. I'm worrying about working again, my constant pain levels are a source of concern, I worry about opiate addiction sometimes( even though I use them 100% within how prescribed.....NEVER having abused that ever in all the years ), I worry about constant stomach issues from the pain meds, worrying about whether I will fuse properly etc We spiney types are exposed to a lot of worry and stress and trust me, I am not the whine and snivel type, I'm all spine and drivel instead LOL :))(

    I do all my stuff up in my head..I don't bring people down around me with my issues.I think many of us do and this is not really the best way.

    Like someone said......the opiates/pain meds are depressants. When you factor in that all the regular stuff we are worrying about is quite intense to begin with......adding depressant pain meds to that mix slowly picks away at your sense of well being. So it is easy to see how depression can sneak up and do a number on a person in that situation. Also, the constant stress of living with all this in front of a wife and maybe kids too. I mean there are going to be comments passed, little things to the point you feel you maybe cannot confide in someone that you are really in a lot of pain....'cos they have heard it so many times.

    You did two great things man.......you posted this so other people can see that this crap is real and it might not just be them going through it......and you took steps to correct your own situation by making that psyche appointment.

    You have possibly helped a lot of people here without even knowing it.

    All the very best. Hang in there and thanks again.

  • Hello again to all you dear friends,

    First to my army buddy, I am from New Orleans and I've been a Saints fan since their inception (it was a hard road at times,LOL) but I have lived in Cincinnati for 22 years now so it's home.

    Well I had great plans for today but it didn't start out great. First I was only able to three hours sleep, after waking up I could not sleep again and I had that appointment at 12:30 with the psychiatrist which I did not want to miss. So I sat there on my couch very very tired and not feeling good, pain and all, but afraid to take anymore pain meds because I really might have to sleep.

    Then I received a phone call about 11 am saying my psychiatrist called in sick :(, that was a big let down and I immediately took a pain pill and went to bed. I woke up in dismay, but then I called my psychologist and he was kind enough to do a phone appoinment with me and told me that my psychiatrist spoke to him and there is a back up plan to have an evaluation with another staff shrink with a fresh look at my situation to make his/her recomendations as far as medication changes. Kind of a 1 time thing with different imput.

    The good news is I am feeling ok now and I don't feel like I just wasted the day. Thanks to you all and my wife I have had a 3 day streak of being ok with myself and for me lately that's great.

    I also want to thank L-Dogg for the kind shout out, made me feel I contributed something to someone out there. You guys have been a great help just listening and giving honest feedback which means alot at any time, but especially now.I will update you all when I see the psych doc and my NS on Friday.

    Until then I hope and pray for you all to be pain free and have a great quality of life. It's certainlt a journey. Thanks again, Al
    AL S
  • You're on the right path - especially the way you communicate with us AND your wife. We all need to "dump" at times, and don't ever feel ashamed when you need to do so (that's what we're all here for). The timing of your psychiatrist getting sick :''( couldn't have been worse :''( , but at least you won't have to wait too long before your appointment with the other one (and your NS), Different pain relief options are available nowadays; let's hope you can hit upon one that works for you. >:D< Hugs 2 U, >:D< Essmoe
  • Hi Ess,

    Thanks for writing talking to you all really has helped a great deal. This problem I am going through is a tough one for me as I've said probably too much already. I mean it's just gotten so much worse in rhe last 7 months or since my surgeries although it's been very problamatic over the last 3 and a half years.

    Unfortunately I can't tell for sure what needs to change and the lack of any energy to do almost anything is a huge problem. I know the lack of energy can be caused by depression and pain meds, or the lack of energy can caused the depression to become so severe as it has. I don't know what came first the chicken or the egg at this point. I am afraid of trying to deal with the pain without meds, well lets say I don't think I can deal with it. I mean I feel like at times I can barely make myself get up to pee.

    Talking to you all helps so much because I have been very isolated as I do nothing socialy and being disabled before all this from PTSD which also causes isolation. My wife is great to me but I either don't feel like going anywhere of simply can't 95% of the tim.

    Well at any rate I need to quit rambling, I guess I'm just starved for conversation at times so let me say to everyone who reads this I am sorry for my long winded blogs.

    I know you all have said alot already on this subject, but I have another more specific question again, do any of you all with chronic pain and pain meds feel the way I've described in this blog to this severity? I mean so tired and isolated as I was saying earlier.

    Just trying to find answers and solutions, again I appreciate you all taking the time to respond to my ramblings, I am very grateful.

    AL S
  • I think the first big step is realizing there is a problem, as others have pointed out.

    As far as the pain meds......you know many will say that as long as you are not abusing your pain meds, and are using them for pain only and not recreational.....you are in much better shape. I'm not saying there is no dependence there, I cannot say for sure even in my own case.......but like you I am not too interested in waiting to find out if I can do without them *pain-wise* by stopping. It seems that once you get behind the 8 ball it is much harder to get back to controlling it. So I stay on schedule, never abusing it.

    What I have been doing for a while that works for me is cutting my pills in half. So at least if there is a dependence on the medication the body is still getting it but you can start to judge if it is enough and maybe taper down a bit......you can always take the other half shortly after if you need it. Don't trust me though, please check with your doc and your pharmacist. Both mine told me it was okay....in fact they suggested it.

    I bought a pill cutter for the smaller pills, it was less than $6.

    Also, I asked my doc to put me on the Oxycodone rather than the Endocet or Percocet I have been taking for about 3 years because I am paranoid about the acetaminophen in there. I am stressing I have already hurt my liver.

    When it was going well for me I was able to take Norco 10/325- 3X and a Perc 10/325- 1X at night for breakthrough and that would get me through a hard day at work. Along with my Neurontin.

    Right now after surgery etc the Norco's are not doing it, besides I just do not want all the Acetaminophen......so I asked for the Oxycodone and I cut them down to equal what Norco would do.
  • I have decided to cut back my pain m eds by 40% a day to see if that helps me. I never take more than prescribed, and I do have break through pain even at current levels, but I think at this level they may be causing some of my current depression issues or at least contributing. I am also tired all the time and never want to do a thing.

    I really hate where I'm at, it's not really living, it's a living hell. This isn't going to be easy, but after more research it only makes sense. I also have to see if my pain levels change that much by doing this. I just hate things the way they are, I'm not me anymore.

    Thanks all
    AL S
  • I strongly suggest you contact your pain Dr and get a wean off schedule. I have been on one for a month, and I think the level you are talking is way to dramatic. I hate to see you go through more problems by weaning off to fast. Please think about it. It is a hard road, even slowly. Just trying to help.
  • I will do that, you are right about wean off, I just feel so bad and depressed. just want to lower it as fast as I can since I feel so desperate. But again, you are right and I will phone the doc.

    AL S
  • So glad you feel you are getting support from this site and your doctors. I understand when you spoke about your wife being better off without you. I have had that feeling but do realize that we are married for better or for worse and we mean our vows which I am sure the both of you do. Being in significant pain and decreases your quality of life can cause depression. Getting a handle on the pain level should give you the strength to deal with many of the other issues. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Please keep us posted, we are all here for your support and the ability to vent when needed.:)
  • and my heart-thoughts and prayers are with you as you reach out to get support to change what's such a heavy burden for you and no longer working...the chronic pain, sleeplessness, side effects of meds, depleting energy, fear, anxiety, isolation, heaviness in your heart, the overwhelming nightmare of no chance of things getting better.

    I know that place where it appears it will only worse from here, FEAR (false evidence appearing real) shrouds any possibility of changing where I am and being inthis horrible place of where I have been much too long and I see is only getting worse....

    Al, your strength in reaching out and the courage to say no more of this.... inspires me to say:

    there is a wise and strong spirit within you

    there is a more than a survivor of pain within you

    but a strong and very wise man, who wants more than this, wants to have more of life back, to experience life again and more fully,

    and I know in the reality of your spirit and the faith you embrace sustains you in and all that is overwhelming and so dark and impossible, knows the Spirit of God and

    you are inspired now taking those steps to find a a new way in the midst of this, even though nothing appears to be there or really able to change any of it!

    You know you deserve more than this!

    and God meets you with each step you take, Al, and brings you everything you need through others who are willing to guide, support and offer options and changes that can be made,

    I know how I have been lifted in reaching out and saying I can't do this anymore....

    a whole new reality and my needs and changes begin to come and my overwhelming pain is shifted and new options and my needs are seen clearly and begin to be fulfilled.

    I admire the courage you had to reach out in the midst of pain, Warrior One, and saying enough of this experience of pain, emptiness and the heavy burden of this - - I deserve more !

    And I see already as things have unfolded for you the past few days, as you shared and have sought support, your heavy burden is being lifted, options are seen and beginning to be put in place;

    you are seeing that you are TRULY not only deserving, but you can TRUST each day is truly unfolding differently for you;

    those changes and options of new support and treatment truly can resolve the pain, and

    your energy and your body is restored and your spirit is renewed;

    bringing you into a whole new place and you proclaim a a new day and new life unfolding for you!

    Al, God bless and know each stepping stone comes as you ask, the path is clear before you!


  • Hi :wave: I don't think we have met before.

    When I joined this site I was just about where you were when you first posted - I came here with the thought of "I'll give this injury forum thing one more try". ( I had went to two other such forums and well... let's leave it at that ;) ) I am SO happy I did !!!!! :D

    This place changed my life totally around for the better in TONS of areas !!!

    They made me see I had the right to stand up for myself and my needs in all areas of my life.

    They helped me to see that the meds as well as the never ending pain was a huge part of my depression - just knowing it was not "me" made me feel 99% better ;)

    Any ways I wanted to say "hi" and let you know that this can be turned around for the better :hug:

    L1 - S2 "gone" useless in 1 way or another. DDD. RA. Bone Spurs. Tons of nerve damage/issues. Stenosis. Both knees replaced. 50 yrs old. I had a great fall (hence my user name) at age 41 and it has been a domino effect every since.
  • I have found so much great support here and I so appreciate it, Like JoyDancer post with so many good things to consider.

    I have made it through 2 days of reduced medication by 35% or 35 miligrams and my head feels clearer and I seem less tired. While I know to days is no winning streak, it gives me great hope that I can do this. I will stay at this level for awhile and see if I can take it down another 15 miligrams or so. I need to do this as long as I can tolerate it pain wise, because as I said I haven't been living.

    Pain is still there but didn't increase nearly as much as I thought with such a large reduction. I know it's early in the game, but I have some hope.

    AL S
  • I know what depression is. It is horrible. Please get some help. There is help out there. There is inpatient care, you need to get better, and safe. I have been where you are. It is scarey My husband also had a fusion, it failed. He had to start meds for this. Please know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! (((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))
  • So glad that you have been able to get some sleep and have decreased you pain meds a bit to decrease your "foggy" mind. Getting sleep and being able to regenerate your self is so importatnt. I have always said when you lack sleep everything else pain, mind and outlook get heightened to one extreme or the other. Keep up the positive outlook and remember you can always find support here! :)
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