Hi my dear friends,
First I want to thank you for all the support in the past, it has been very helpful. I also want to thank you for being there to just listen and care.
This is a very dark time for me and I truly don't think I will be around much longer. I live in pain with so many other issues like, depression, lack of any energy, a feace that now gets red flaky blotches that I hate to look at, and a big fat gut, my weight recently shot up another 20 lbs after a steroid treatment for a week in the hospital. I have tried and tried to lose the weight but I am on anti depressant, anti anxiety, and pain meds which is making it impossible. In addition to no exercise at all.
I guess I hate myself and my life. to be honest I am thinking being on pain meds for over 3 years maybe the cause but also being honest I don't want to give them up. I don't know why I don't want to, I see all my issues, and of course chronic pain. I have told myself that my pain wasn't so bad (while on the pain meds) then I try to reduce them on my own, pain gets worse withing 8 hours and then I'm right back where I was.
I think about killing myself all the time (this is NOT a suicide note) but they way I feel now and with other health issues I don't think I will have to, but I just get hit with strong suicidal thoughts several times a day. I also suffer from PTSD and have some severe night terrors so I am in physical and emotional pain. I don't want my wife to have to live with a 55 year old man that acts like 85. She could have a better life without me in it. I'm an anchor on her and society serving no purpose but to cost money.
If I sound like I'm full of self pity forgive me, and I will admit to self hatered. I never use to be this way, I use to enjoy things and not want to die, but now it's just so overwhelming.
If anyone has any suggestions I'd love to hear them. Sorry for the long post, but I just wanted to share I guess. Well nothing else to say. Thanks for being there.