I have been reading over many of the posts on here and they have hit upon some strong feelings inside of me. Some of anger, sympathy, jealousness, rage, suicide and shame.
Boy we are a bunch of moaners at times aren't we???
Actually, I guess I am still just a moaner six or seven years down the line. Nothing has changed really.
It has taken me about an hour arguing with myself as to whether I should post this or not but then I thought, I should imagine that many of you on here will have done the same? Read through the posts and had a gamut of mixed feelings? NO? Just me?? Ah shoot, and here I thought I was getting to be normal, erm, or not normal as the case may be?
Wanted to put something down yourself? Maybe to just vent to people you hope will understand?
Ok here I go, I suppose I should get round to the point of this post at some time eh? But then again, the more I type here the more I think "No way am I going to post this but just putting something down makes me feel better, or is that, makes me feel worse?" (|:
There I go again, deflecting, or postponing, or avoiding or just fear. I don't know. Sometimes (in the many multiples of times I have typed this, deleted it and typed it again) I just feel so damn stupid. Then I feel angry. Then sad. Then just feeling sorry for myself. Then feeling stupid again.
Anyone else recognise this?
Still haven't got to the point of this post have I?
Ah well, I feel like SH**.
Just right now, I am not feeling sorry for myself, I am feeling perfectly calm, level headed (for a change) and logical (oh boy just how bad is that???)
I am 54, lost my partner, my kids (7 and 3 at the time), my job, my company, my house and my health. All my own fault by being that a-typical "Dour Miserable Angry Scotsman" and wondering why people couldn't see the pain. Oh, and I have put on four stone (56 pounds in new money). Four stone!! How shallow and self centered. I have never been above 11 stone (154 lbs) in my life and now I am 15 and a half stone (217 lbs). I put on four stone in just over three months (yes they tested for cancer and any other reason for it but no, all ok).
I put it down to me doing nothing more than lying flat on my back and the only excercise I get is going to the kitchen to make coffee, lift a cake or a few biscuits or something because I can't be bothered to cook. Besides, it bloody well hurts to stand there that long!
That makes it seem like I am feeling sorry for myselft but I promise you I am not.
I am looking at this the same way I have been looking at it for the last two years since my discectomy. I am now 54, knackered, no job, no prospects and no desire to go through all that again. Not exactly much of a catch eh?
With this pain I hurt if I do so much as breath, I just don't want to do it anymore.
Now don't go panicking here, I am not suicidal. I'm not that brave these days. I would just like to go to sleep and not wake up to the pain, again and again.
I am sick fed up with the pain.
I went to the ER once, waited for three hours, saw a doc who asked what I expected them to do for me and was told to go and see my local GP. He couldn't prescribe anything more for me as I just may have taken more than I told him I had.
Bye Bye. I was in too much pain and too confused and unsure off what happened, and what to do to even challenge the guy. So I got back to my car (yup, I drove there) cried for a couple of hours till the pain subsided a bit then drove home. I guess it is not all of us that can still go to work and sit down when we get a twinge and not bother the ER when we shoulld just put up with the pain until we can get an appointment to see the PM doc!
But you know, I have never really been able to ask any of the docs just exactly what meds I am taking. Is it a low dose? Medium? High? I just don't know and have never been able to ask. For Gods sake boy, you have never ever felt this way. I just accept whatever they tell me as I just want someone to help take the pain away.
By the time I get home I have forgotten what they said anyway so the may have told me and they may not.
Rant over, back to the post. What was I saying again? Oh yeah, I am sick fed up with the pain. Well I am! I'm fed up pretending and putting on a brave face on the one day a fortnight or one day a week if I am lucky, where I can get to leave the house and actually mix with other human beings.
All my life I have been involved in being fit in one way or another. Martial arts, Body Sculpture, Gymnastics, Swimming, Diving, Water Polo, Military Police, Dad (I think that was the hardest one).
Now I can't move. Well, I can, but it hurts. Ah boo hoo, little patient feeling a bit of discomfort then? NO. It bloody hurts to the point of pulling my hair out at times. Then, the good days. Erm, usually the good couple of hours anyway. Then I stand up. Bad mistake.
I have been a leader all my life. Always the one to take charge and I thought I would be able to deal with a disability if it happened. But I was a "normal" and actually had no bloody idea of what these pains could be like.
Now, I just don't see the point. I have read some inspirational posts and stories and I thought, well if it rocks your boat then great, I am all for it and I hope it helps you and many others. I just don't see the point of it all for me. Just me that's all. Not trying to make anyone else feel bad or to feel "here we have another moaning old git". Well, that is exactly the point of this post.
I have become a moaning old git. And hate the feeling even more than the I hate these pains (edit: maybe not more than these pains but on a par? Hmmm I might debate that one with myself for a few hours.)
There are many times when I find it almost impossible to reign in my temper, my need to just hit out and respond to a certain post more because I hurt, feel frustrated or am angry at myself than something that someone else posted.
There are many times now where I am able to see the bright side of things. Still can't see anything in a happy way though. That will take more time methinks.
There are many times when I wish I was more brave.
And I still don't see the point of it all.
But, at least I am feeling something other than pain. I think the pain is all I have felt for a few years now.
Boy I really hope that not too many of you feel this way. It's cr**py.
I think I had a point when I started this post but then, who knows maybe I just thought I did. (edit: Now that I have read over this latest version I can see that once again there is a lot of self pity there and I didn't even know it. Sometimes it takes putting it down, reading it over and digesting it to see what is really there.)
Is it helpful? Well, for me maybe. For you it must have been one of the most boring and pointles posts around. Doh!
Jumpin Jehosefat but this has dragged on, i'm bored reading now!
Still, the worst of the pain has passed now and I guess in that respect it has been of use.
Will I actually post this? What will people think if they read it? Would they understand the frustation at not knowing if the next time I have to stand up I don't know if I will get the searing pains from the middle of my back, across the top of my pelvis, over my hip, down the inside and outside of my thigh, the back of my calf and then feels like it is ripping the skin off my foot or, I will just stand up and go make another cofee with no more pain than a 4-5 and aching legs through lack of exercise.
Take this as you find it. I am not seeking sympathy. Not saying my pain is any worse than yours. Probably just needed to see it and see it out there in the big bad world.
Sorry you guys had to endure the rants and ravings of a loopy fruit (that would be me by the way).
Whatever happened to just looking out at a tree or up at a blue sky and marvelling at what a good day this was going to be and how great is is to be alive?
I realise that most if not all of you just didn't make it this far down. Well I guess I am glad about that. Seems a bit easier to post it if I think people won't get this far down and I wont feel such a, erm, can't think of a strong enough word but I guess I will get some suggestions from anyone who was strong enough to make it this far.
Ah well, here goes, flame away!