Welcome, Friend!

It looks like you're new here. If you want to get involved, click one of these buttons!

Veritas-Health LLC has recently released patient forums to our Arthritis-Health web site.

Please visit http://www.arthritis-health.com/forum

There are several patient story videos on Spine-Health that talk about Arthritis. Search on Patient stories
Protect anonymity
We strongly suggest that members do not include their email addresses. Once that is published , your email address is available to anyone on the internet , including hackers.

All discussions and comments that contain an external URL will be automatically moved to the spam queue. No external URL pointing to a medical web site is permitted. Forum rules also indicate that you need prior moderator approval. If you are going to post an external URL, contact one of the moderators to get their approval.
Attention New Members
Your initial discussion or comment automatically is sent to a moderator's approval queue before it can be published.
There are no medical professionals on this forum side of the site. Therefore, no one is capable or permitted to provide any type of medical advice.
This includes any analysis, interpretation, or advice based on any diagnostic test

Pain psychology

nmacnnmac Posts: 112
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:52 AM in Matters of the Heart
Had a visit with a pain psychologist. She would like to have my DH come to an appt. so she can talk to him about my condition. I am concerned he will be very upset if he goes. He really doesn't want to hear that I need help. He is ego centric and has many of his own problems including health and economic. She feels if I don't get him to understand my physical issues I am going to break and it won't be pretty. I also voiced that I need to keep my job. She told me that if I don't find a way to get help and take care of myself that I probably won't be able to do that. So far I think that I need to go get some help from her for myself and see what that brings. I am going to make the appts. right now. I mentioned the pain psychology appt. to DH. I didn't choose to tell him about him going to an appt. I did tell him what she said. He didn't really have much to say. Later he said : " Did you tell her you ride on a motorcycle?" (on the back occasionally) My spine problems have been going on for 4 years. He has taken me to surgery, injections, MBB, 3 SCS trials etc. I am concerned if anything more serious happens he won't be able to help take care of me. I took care of him after his 2 heart attacks.
He has always put his needs first and we have 3 grown daughters that I primarily have raised and worked full time during most of there lives. Can I expect him to change? I know that I can't change him. He has to want to change. We have many stressors in our lives esp. finances. I do think I love him but sometimes??? Any suggestions? Thanks for the vent. Nancy
Severe DDD. Klippel Feil Deformity. Cervical Foraminatomy that turned into Lamy. I have tried so many treatments, therapy's and medications.


  • Nancy, when your DH said; " Did you tell her you ride on a motorcycle?" , I feel that this is an emotional threat. It sounds to me as if he is not interested in going..in bringing up the motorcycle he thinks that you will back down and not ask, or better, not even mention this to him again.I'm not an expert, my field is in reading/analyzing people, but there are many many variables that make this difficult in just a few words. Unless he generally throws a remark your way that he might think would have you second guessing your actions or wishes, I can't be certain this was his intention.
    If you really want him with you at this appt. you should bring it up with him again, maybe even mention the motorcycle remark so that he knows you really want him there. We all have stress in our lives and his is no more special than yours or anyone elses simply because they are his. You were there for him and now you need him there for you. We all feel insecure whenever we have been through a trauma, or know that at some point we are going to actually need help. I hope everything works out.
  • I am not sure what the M/C comment was about. I do enjoy riding with him when I am up to it. The Psych said that she thought he might be Narcissistic. I am probably not strong enough to address this right now. I am recovering from a 2 week SCS trial (complications). I went to work for the first 3 days this week and found that yesterday I was having extreme fatigue and some word finding problems at work. I decided to stay home and sleep more today. I do feel better this afternoon. I will eventually set up a time for him to come with me to Psy. but now I need to take care of me. This really hurts my heart. Thanks for the support!
    Severe DDD. Klippel Feil Deformity. Cervical Foraminatomy that turned into Lamy. I have tried so many treatments, therapy's and medications.
  • Yes, take good care of yourself. I'm sorry that you had complications from the trial. Maybe now is not the time and if so no one better than your pain psychologist to understand that. You seem like the type that knows to listen to your body/mind, and that will help a lot in your recovery. I read your signature line and can tell that you are probably in a lot of pain. I too have DDD, OA, and C-5 & 6 issues (also 7).
    Many good {{{vibes}}} being sent to you.
  • The only "training" I have is criminal psychology, but it sounds like your hubby needs to feel "he is part of the solution" vs part of the problem if that makes sense? After 4 years of being a spiney, that tells me that he still supports you, but may be at a loss on *how* to further help you?

    I take my hubby to surgical consults, but other than that, good or bad, we talk, and at times, talk a LOT. I don't know the interaction between you two, but if he is under the belief that going to counseling can help you BOTH, then he will be in your corner is my guess.

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • It is so hard for a spouse that has been accustomed to their partner being the one who has been strong and was the caregivers. When I hear your DH's motorcycle comment I hear the voice of a scared young boy. He may have said that meaning 'you can't be that bad off, you can ride...' or he may be trying to reassure himself that things will return to 'normal.' He may not be as self centered as you think, just very frightened.
    I hope you don't think I'm being callous and not offering you support. I do understand, better than you know. Five weeks ago I had an L5-S1 ALIF. Prior to that I had been in acute pain for 18 months as a result of injury. I managed to function fully for 11 months until I couldn't do it anymore. But still the house functioned and life went on. My beloved is a public figure who has an extraordinarily busy life. His staff keeps work & engagements straight. My role was home & social + plus my own career. I have seen him through multiple surgeries & illnesses. In our entire marriage I have never been seriously ill or had surgery. Until now.
    Bless him - he was totally unprepared for seeing me after surgery. He had been part of tests and outpatient treatment, but lying in a hospital bed struggling just stunned him. He needed to be heard (not that he could express his fears - his comments could have been equally considered inappropriate) and reassured that I would survive. Life would go on. He could handle all that I had done. The sun would come up the next morning.
    I haven't been the most patient at times. What he chooses to focus on still baffles me. Don't get me started on rearranging kitchen cabinets that didn't need it and trashing the neatly organized ones. I don't know but it made him feel better. Whatever. If I can get back to being able to cook again I'll deal with it then.
    We're managing. He loves me. I love him. Our friends are generous. I look at him and see my boys when they were little and frightened. My heart goes out to him. It helps. Particularly when he's being his egocentric, demanding self...
    Please keep posting. This is a fabulous support source. If my comments aren't helpful, I hope you are able to find others that answer your needs.

    I wish you peace & healing.
    Pat Gibson
    L5S1 ALIF 2-22-11
    Now L4 Retrolisthisis
  • Hello,
    Sometimes our capabilities are inconsistent with the notion of constant pain from the casual observer and we learn that with most conditions time itself will heal our issue and chronic pain is not like that. Managing pain is a team event and we do support and applaud anyone doing more than expected, it would be easier at times to do very little and only we know the effort needed to keep fighting the challenge.

    Doing tasks and finishing something is a thing that can be achieved by him and under his control, where your pain and situation are not, that would make anyone feel as if they should be able to support us more, when in reality they cannot.

    Our PM help was about helping those who help us, being supportive and encouraging and setting achievable goals. Role reversal is never easy and we all have individual skills, we have to learn to face up to our issues and the longer we deny our current reality the more difficult it is to address it, it may be simpler for those wishing to support us to pretend it is normal. Our partners came as a group and it was informative to listen how helpless they did feel in not being able to make things better, a collective loss as Brenda mentioned.

    With chronic pain we learn every day and this takes time and space, I am indebted to my wife's help, support and encouragement, to try and do or say the right thing. Good support can make a dramatic difference in how we cope and time for ourselves when we need it, part of that improving strategy.

    Take care. John
  • Wow that is a lot to think about. I hadn't really though of this. I do see him as a big frightened boy. He may not really understand what is going on with my body & chronic pain and need to talk with someone else about it. We have several friends that were going to marriage counseling then divorce recently. He has made some really terrible comments about marriage counseling and I have been worried that he would be unwilling to go to the pain psychologist. I need to go to the psychologist and maybe discuss this first before he comes. I do love him but he really frustrates me sometimes. We have been married for 30 yrs. and have been through a lot! I have been the caregiver for our children, mine and his ill family members etc. It is probably difficult for him to know what to do to help.
    Thanks friends! Nancy
    Severe DDD. Klippel Feil Deformity. Cervical Foraminatomy that turned into Lamy. I have tried so many treatments, therapy's and medications.
  • Nancy -
    Happy to offer support & a different perspective. No doubt he's scared. I bet his comments about marriage counseling stems from his perceived failure of preventing divorce.
    Talk to your psychologist, take care of yourself, and find a way to reassure and support him. Maybe you can do it or there is a professional, group, clergy or friend (combination?) to help him feel less overwhelmed.
    After so many years of marriage how can you not feel frustration & aggravation? Congratulations on 30 years of marriage! That's a real achievement! My parents were married almost 65 years when mother died. If you could have heard them you would have thought they couldn't stand each other. But they loved each other passionately. Their fussing was the manifestation of their concern of the other's decline and inability to improve things. Daddy stoically held up through her death and lived 2 years and 2 days more. He never expected to outlive her and had no idea how he would manage. But he did. Help came from many sources.

    This forum offers a great source of support and information. Maybe he could explore it too. Or maybe there's another (hard to imagine that) he'll find helpful.

    Good luck and take care.
    Pat Gibson
    L5S1 ALIF 2-22-11
    Now L4 Retrolisthisis
Sign In or Register to comment.