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family who thinks I'm a complainer

LisaRachelLLisaRachel Posts: 286
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:52 AM in Back Surgery and Neck Surgery
Hi Everyone...

Tonight I had the worst fight with my father and lovley step-mother from hell!
because when I talk about my pain I can see there eyes roll at each other. I'm am so sick of this and so upset. I finally told my dad that if he were to fall off a cliff and broke thier back they might understand what I go through everyday...

I feel my family have lost respect for me as a person. I have 3 brothers who are all very weathly and have families. I am single and have to live off my father now due to me not being able to work.

I feel so lost...

Thanks for reading this...



  • People are not measured by their wealth, and I sure hope that you are not comparing yourself to your siblings. Your father and step-mother (unfortunately) are probably not the people you need to be confiding in at this time. It's making you feel judged and unless they told you, you cannot second guess what they are thinking. Just as you get frustrated and have bad moments, so will they as they are only people, even your dad, who can't help his own reactions sometimes. You are probably just too close right now, but maybe talking to a counselor would be better and it would spare your father and you the pain that you are both feeling right now.
  • Unfortunately I don't think I can post what I'm thinking. Maybe just tell them that you don't like having to rely on them but you have no choice and you appreciate what they've done for you. Good luck

    ALIF April 2011 but it turns out I broke before it barely fused.
    L4-L5 posterior fusion December 2013
  • Lisa,

    So sorry about what's going on with dad and the step mom. Unfortunately with us, many can't relate, and too they don't "see" it, and therefore tend to not understand why the pain continues.

    Like Robin said, try not to compare yourself to your siblings. We are individuals regardless of what the bank account holds!! Just know, *we* get it, and are here for you woman!!

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • my mother is the same not sympathetic at all and many others in the family get sick of hearing me going on about my back and all the problems that a chronic problem bring with it .there's not much you can do .some people are kind and will listen and be supportive ..but they are few and far between .{my wife is one ..thankfully} you could show your family the ..letter to a normal and the spoon theory post on here as they explain very well how it feel to be in pain all the time ..i will listen to you anytime hun
    1997 laminectomy
    2007 repeat laminectomy and discectomy L4/L5
    2011 ALIF {L4/L5/S1}
    2012 ? bowel problems .still under investigation
    2014 bladder operation may 19th 2014
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,875
    Your situation seems to be pretty common. I can not tell you the number of members who have posted something similar.

    I believe its three things:
    1 - Lack of Understanding
    2 - Jealous
    3 - Fear

    Lack of Understanding
    For many people, unless they have experienced something themselves, they can not or will not understand.

    This may sound strange, but I know it exists. Family members may be jealous of one living in chronic pain. They see that person as (s) Getting a lot of attention, {b] Having medication to make them feel better, and {c} Not having to work and just being able to sit at home!

    Now, all of those reasons sound crazy, but unfortunately they are true in some situations.

    Most of the time I hear about this is with a close relationship (Spouse to Spouse or Significant Other)
    The person who is healthy is scared because they do not understand what is going on, the look at it as the burden of running a household will be on them.
    How long with the person suffering be like this? And how can we afford to live with one salary, etc

    The one tool that might help minimize this situations is Honest and Open Communications. That probably is the most effective way that two people can exchange views and better understand each other.

    However, that can be difficult. Both parties need to have open minds and allow the other to say and view things as they feel.

    Lisa, I know what you are going through is hard and it is emotionally draining, which adds to the pain and discomfort you are in physically.

    Good luck, lets hope things work out for you
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • Thanks everyone for your support!

    I am going to try to be strong because it makes my pain worse when I feel this way.

  • All I can say is that chronic pain is not your fault- you didn't ask for this and I know you would do anything to be pain free. At first everybody goes out of their way to help you but then as the pain drags on and on, family members start to have mixed feelings and don't know how to deal with CP. No matter what, your dad loves you and I'm certain he's frustrated at the pain, not you. Stay strong and hold your head up high. Take care
  • I usually just tell people, when they ask how is it going... "same stuff different day". I don't want to keep harping on the subject that I AM in pain. Most people ask, but really don't want to know. So I just tell them "same stuff different day"!

  • Sending hugs to you.
    I really liked Robin's reply. Instead of adding I will just say re-read her post.
    I see a CP counselor weekly and let it all out on him.
    my husband has been great, but I can't or won't tell him every pain I feel. He hears it when he takes me to doctor visits. Obviously I tell him when
    something new or unusual is going on. I guess I don't want to burden him more NOR do I want our relationship to revolve around my CP. Even though that's where its heading....
  • Lisa, no one can feel what you're feeling!
    My partner is so supportive! He sits and listens to me complain of all the pain I have and didn't realize how bad it was until his shoulder started to give him problems. I told him that I have that kind of pain in every joint, every day, all day long.
    He is now more sympathetic than before but I have no one else to complain to. Brother and sister in law and that's it. My brother has OA as well. Our mom had it beginning in her 40's as well.
    So just know that you are loved here and everybody listens because we can FEEL your pain!
    God bless you honey and never feel that you have no one! We're here!
  • I think a councelor is a great idea. First because our family members get tired of hearing our problems and really don't know how to respond constructively. Also because they may be able to teach you some methods of dealing with your pain and your needs.

    Something to consider is why you feel the need to tell your dad or anyone how you are feeling. Are you trying to justify needing his help? Or do you just want a shoulder to cry on? Or do you need his help to find an answer to your problems?

    It's really important to know what it is you want when you speak to anyone about anything. When you go to a doctor you should know what it is you expect from the visit and make that clear. If you go to a store you ask the sales person for a specific item. So when you feel the need to talk about your pain you need to know what it is you need from the other person. "Honey my knee is swollen and painful, could you go to the store for me since it hurts to walk?" is much better than "Oh my knee hurts" and getting mad because he doesn't offer to help. If you are depressed or discouraged then saying "Dad I feel so depressed by this pain that won't go away, what do you think I can do?" Knowing what you want and expressing it will get you results. Don't assume that the other person knows what is inside your head.
  • I'm sorry to hear about your Father and stepmother rolling their eyes at you. I would be offended and I would avoid them as much as possible. I know your Father is helping you out and you can say you appreciate it but I wouldn't talk about your pain anymore. If my parents ask me how I'm doing I say fine and I'm walking more because they know I'm unable to work because of my back pain.

    They should understand and sad they're so unsympathetic. I don't even talk about my pain meds or anything to my family and can rely on coming here or to another support forum I go to. I was wondering how you were doing and even made a post if anyone has heard from you. Vent away anytime and we're here to support you through this. Take care and sending prayers for you. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • Thanks Charry I've not posted that much cause I was really trying to get on with my life. But, SH was the first site I've been too for support and advise.


  • i can relate my brother's think or ive heard them talking about me taking pain meds now we have gotten into it we dont even talk.but they smoke there pot and drink ,i do none of that just what i have to take,and i ask what the blank is your all excuse and they dont have me answer im the oldest 42 years old just had alif at l4 and l5 .and massive bones taken out i guess was bone spurs.my dad and mom understand,because mt dad is having problems in the last year,never heard my mother say anything either,but now my wife and to oldest son's start to sound like my brother's ,since got hurt 2 years ago its life changer so god bless you ,,we hear do understand in same shoes...dont get depressed its easy to just give believe me i want to but cant,,
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