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Life is pretty bad when me living is worse on my family then not

katie0219kkatie0219 Posts: 11
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:53 AM in Depression and Coping
I am struggling. In a HUGE way. I have been dealing with back problems for 7 years. Originally a 3rd degree bulging disk. After 6 months went back to work, it flared 4 more times until last July. I had a coccyx and lumbar injection in Nov. 10, and Bilateral Nerve block at L5 in April, both lasted 2 weeks. I am scheudled for L4-S1 minimally invasive posterior lumbar fusion on May 23.

I am in sooo much pain. The shooting pains are the worse. I am still working, can't do without the money. I work in pediatrics in occupational therapy, so I am lifting kids, manually working with and dealing with behavior issues all day. I am in so much pain by the time I get home I can't do anything with my own kids. Taking 2 tramadol and 2 muscle relaxers takes the edge off, doesn't take away pain.

My husband is so sick of my anger, pain, and me not being able to help at home. My injury occured 2 month after we were married. Has anyone else with chronic pain found themselves going off the handle verbally, easily angered, and pissed at all times? I truly think that my initial injury screwed up my life. with dealing with all of this I feel like i am not a happy person and angry all the time. Is this normal? I am on an anti-depressant to try and help.

Now my husband wants a divorce and is willing to help me through the next 12 weeks but already has a place. He said my anger and not being able to help is too much. We have a 3 year old and I am so afraid that after my surgery I won't be able to keep doing the moderate physical job I do now. I am just so sad and angry and hopeless. Did anyone else feel this way?


  • MetalneckMetalneck Island of Misfit toysPosts: 1,364
    I feel your pain, frustration and can totally relate.
    If issues were tissues we'd have a box full! My surgeries led to the end of my 18 year marriage and my career (not to mention savings, my home, my car BUT NOT all my sanity).

    Chronic pain and surgery(s) can bring all emotions into play. Doubt, fear, anger, uncertainity, betrayal, regrets, and did I say PAIN .... yep covered that one.

    I too am a former healthcare professional (yes former)force into "early retirement" due to my physical and emotional issues. Comming from the HC environment makes all this ever more difficult because it was our professional goal to help others ... and now we find it difficult to help ourselves and our immeadiate loved ones .... kinda a double whammy.

    My only advice is to focus on taking care of yourself. Don't think about when can I/should I return to work but focus on your own status physical and mental. Focus on your own stability and the environment for your child. The rest will fall in place in time, if it is in the big plan.

    Everything that you are feeling is relatable and fully justified. Your body has given you a major zig ... when life wants to zag.

    Stay tough .... learn to ask for help and forgiveness. Have you shared the "letter to people without chronic pain" with your husband? Has he gone to any of your appointments with you? Maybe these things could help.

    We are here for you .... and share your pain anger and frustration(s) with life on lifes terms ... not ours.

    Stay tough?!

    Warmest regards,

    Spine-health Moderator
    Welcome to Spine-Health  Please read the linked guidelines!!

  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,856
    I have thought for so long that its harder living with someone in chronic pain, then actually being the person with the chronic pain.

    With the pain, you know what you are dealing with. You know the pain, the discomfort, the lack of being able to do some of the things you did before, the anger because you want to be better and so much more.

    The other ones, those living with us have a more difficult time. They dont really understand what we are going through. Many times its a combination of FEAR , not knowing what to do or what the problem is and/or JEALOUSY, because they feel they have to burden more of the household situations, financial and more.

    Communications is the only way to work through this. It requires real open, two way communications. Sometimes that is very difficult.

    I wish you the best
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • Resentment can only be harnessed for so long before it shows through and claims what was once good. In some ways it is things like this that really wake us up and make us face the realities of what is happening, so that we can begin to truly heal.

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. I often wonder how many of us this CP will claim to seperation, divorce, or worse. I know that we can't blame everything on CP, but admittedly a lot of damage and hardship lay in it's wake, and unless we are diligent, very strong and on gaurd at all times we are open to just a small thing crashing down the house of cards. At least that is how it seems to me. It is also why I think our nerves can become so extra sensitive, from being in the fight or flight response all the time, our bodies physiologic response to stress or fear. It can't be easy for our parteners no, but it isn't easy for any of us.

    It can't be easy and I wish I could be of more help. Please know that we care and you will find a lot of support here at spine-health. Welcome.
  • Katie,

    So sorry to hear all of this is coming down on you and your family. Ron hit the BIG one - communication! You might want to do a search on here for:

    The Spoon Theory
    Letter to Normals

    Since many times our families don't experience chronic pain, this may help them understand a bit. As for the anger issues, I think we've all been on that road in our travels. Most times when I am "in a mood", my hubby knows because the bedroom door is closed. He knows I don't want to project on him - now I don't have kids, so that is something I can do.

    If anger is an emotion you can't work through on your own, you might want to get therapy to be able to work it out. It would be really good if your still hubby can go with you for him to understand. I hope you all are able to work through this, especially with a young child in the mix.

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • I really hate hearing about this, it's too common. Especially with men, they want to fix things and when they can't, it frustrates them beyond belief. Women are natural nurturers and seem to handle these situations better, but for men it's very hard.

    Do you think it really too late to save this marriage? Like the others have mentioned, counceling, Letter to Normals, The Spoon Theory, and taking hubby to the doc with you can all be little things that can help him understand that you need him with you, not to leave you.

    Like Ron said, and I believe it also, it's sometimes more difficult for those that are supposed to support us than it is for us. I believe that the anger comes before acceptance. I also had a time when I was very angry, but then came to understand and accept my lot in life and it makes it easier to live day to day.

    Hang in there and I'm hoping that you two can work it out, and that you can come to terms with the grief you're feeling at losing your old life. But the new life doesn't have to destroy you, it can make you stronger.

    Take care,
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