Welcome, Friend!

It looks like you're new here. If you want to get involved, click one of these buttons!

Veritas-Health LLC has recently released patient forums to our Arthritis-Health web site.

Please visit http://www.arthritis-health.com/forum

There are several patient story videos on Spine-Health that talk about Arthritis. Search on Patient stories
Protect anonymity
We strongly suggest that members do not include their email addresses. Once that is published , your email address is available to anyone on the internet , including hackers.

All discussions and comments that contain an external URL will be automatically moved to the spam queue. No external URL pointing to a medical web site is permitted. Forum rules also indicate that you need prior moderator approval. If you are going to post an external URL, contact one of the moderators to get their approval.
Attention New Members
Your initial discussion or comment automatically is sent to a moderator's approval queue before it can be published.
There are no medical professionals on this forum side of the site. Therefore, no one is capable or permitted to provide any type of medical advice.
This includes any analysis, interpretation, or advice based on any diagnostic test

Sex, Love & All the Juicy Bits of Dating with Chronic Pain

coyotewildwomanccoyotewildwoman Posts: 130
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:53 AM in Chronic Pain
Ok, I confess, I need my moment of whingeing, ( great Kiwi word)... for having a good complaint session. It is precisely 3 am, on my computer clock, which given I travel so much I no longer even bother changing. I bolted out of bed with a mother*** cramp deep underneath my ribcage, trying rubbing that one out!

My surgeon told me to expect this, but what a way to wake up!. Since I am now completely awake, I might as well sit down and write as I often do at night.

Don't expect answers here to the above, candidly, because I don't have them, just some personal musings and questions. And after two divorces, what the heck do I know anyway? Maybe you have some?

I am recently single with older kids. I am trying to sort through the whole dating, sex, love and other juicy bits post age 40 thing. Throw chronic pain on top of that and it is all quite a lovely mess of uncertainty, opportunity, and human hilarity.

There is no check mark on match.com for chronic pain among their 2000 other inane questions.

I (presume) I appear reasonably normal when I go on a blind date, unless it is a bad pain day, in which case everything tends to like to lock up and I hobble around.


Do I confess on that always first ever so comfortable date, that my back and spine now look like Edward Scissorhands left his latest signature piece on it? The look is quite fetching with the sexy black negligee, red spike boots, whip and goth makeup, I must say, if you are into that kind of thing) ! image:)" alt=">:)" height="20" />

Do I casually mention that I electrically wired up internally like the bionic woman with my neurostimulator device and have to turn my back on often to deal with the pain or just surprise him with all my various gizmos and control boxes?

Better yet, that the cage in my back from my spinal fusion can lock up and cause me to have to contort in very interesting ways during some inconvenient times?

Do I confess all from the onset and have the distinguished gentleman I just met, run with a look of shocked horror from the Starbucks table with his double non fat, extra hot, no foam latte in hand?

Or just leave it as an unusual surprise to later that he can share with his friends for years to come...

Or perhaps I should I date only men with chronic pain issues or related disability related problems, so they can relate?

And will I end up taking care of them and then myself- a long standing joke in San Miguel where I currently reside part time." Men either go there to die or find a nurse to help them along the way...if they still have the strength and enough money to find one."

I haven't found a dating service for chronic pain survivors out there yet, but I am sure they are out there.

Perhaps my next biz in my every interesting string of bizarre entrepreneurial ventures? I can only imagine the questions I would need to add to the matching criteria. My PHP programmer would be rolling on the floor.

At any rate, I am at least finding this process amusing, so I suppose I will go with. However, my children, who assume I am a total loser in the dating world anyway after my second divorce, "say take thy to a nunnery, woman.

Do they accept non Catholic in chronic pain nuns? How will I get up from the pews after 4 hours of prayers? So many questions...

I guess this it is a trial and error thing, and I will report back my dating efforts and findings after my next venture in the world of Sex, Love, Dating and All the Juicy Bits. And will try to keep laughing! B)

Cheers. and may you be blessed with better sleep than mine!




  • Oh Wendy...you have a wonderful sense of humor. I suspect it makes you quite charming to the men. I know you are partly serious and partly just making fun but goodness...I sense a middle of the night pain post was just what the doctor needed.

    You did put a smile on my face with the non-catholic chronic pain nun question.

    The only question I can answer is whether or not to tell the guy on the 1st date the pain and back issues. The answer is no. You'll have the 2nd or 3rd date to tell him about that. Of course, I'd also save the stimulator news until after the chronic back pain. Why? Because I'm sure the word 'stimulator' will just translate to vibrator to him and I'm sure he'll be excited that you are sexually open minded (LOL).

    I hope you did get some sleep. Hugs.
  • Wendy, I have the same sort of thoughts run thru my head. Been single for a few years now, thought about the whole internet dating thing but I just can't bring myself to do it. I can see myself walking across the room to meet the guy for the first time like Lurch, my left leg drags behind me a bit and I limp.

    I always have a sweater with me when I go somewhere, not to wear, but to sit on if all they have are hard wooden seats. I have to streach my leg out often, what do you say after you kicked the person for the third time?

    Then there's the whole getting up and standing/walking every 20-30 minutes. How many pee breaks or smokes can you go for? keeping in mind everytime I do I look like Lurch.

    Sometimes not saying anything until the second or third date is not an option.

  • Hi; and thats funny as heck!

    If you dont mention to the guy that you are a chronic pain sufferer.
    Your be there moaning in pain, and the fella is gonna be thinking all kinds of wild thought's, wondering what the moaning is about.
    Could be interesting!

    Sorry had to add that. =))
  • Hi Wendy,thanks heaps for the laugh.I know just how you feel.
    I'm in NZD & Findsomeone,also single & wanting a mate.So I have these same questions & suffer from low feelings of lack of self worth at times too.
    Just go for it,run with your intuitions.I don't come out with it quickly,but if I'm starting to have good consistant conversations on-line,then I choose to start to tell them.Yes they normally run a mile,thats life.But there is always two sides to a coin,so sometimes you find someone who is understanding.And they will at least meet you.I guess it depends on how limited you are.
    I'm still learning this stuff too,so try showing them your best sides first,your awesome sense of humour,etc,get them addicted first ,LOL
    Hey best of luck,my handle is shyguy47 if you want to touch base to chat & share frustrations ,LOL
    All the best ,Mike.
  • Glad I could put a smile on someone's face. I think perhaps we take this all too seriously, and when you hurt all the time, it is easy to do that. So I try to laugh when I can...

    Yes, yet another 3 am post. Damn this back! Might as well go with it as it is not listening to me at this point.

    In seriousness, I think waiting until you know someone better is best, but doing some assessment of the type of person he is can tell you a lot about him. Does he seem kind and aware... even to the wait staff? Or is all about him.. If so, it is a big red flag, chronic pain or not.

    Chronic pain, I believe is a lot of the reason my marriage ended after 10 years. I was married to guy who wanted me to take care of him in many ways, when I couldn't/wouldn't do that, the 24 year old Asian woman was more that willing to do so. He did not want to be bothered with my chronic pain and saw it as a personal affront, inconvenience and told me so in those words. I don't think he even believed it despite medical visits and MRI's.

    I always carry a pillow in my purse for back support. Chairs can be hell on my low back. I often get asked about that, and touch on it lightly.

    I am NOT my chronic pain and back challenges- and don't want to be labeled as such, so while it is important to bring it up, there is a whole lot more to dating... at least that is what I am finding.

    I have put up a blog about chronic pain, and will be posting some of the blog entries from time to time from it.

    My kids ( both 18 years old) did really tell me that they thought I should give up the dating thing at my very advanced age. Can't wait till they get there! Ah, to be so incredibly young again...


  • Ok i might not know everything" but i sure the hell know about dating. Not sure if thats a good thing but i do so git-er-done, Here is a tip, No you dont want to talk about your medical condition on a date. Not on a 1 st date anyways. Its boring and not at all interesting. It will posibly come up sure when its obvious but you dont want to make a full conversation out of it. Saying i had spine surgery is enough said.

    Its a date not a dr visit. You have plenty of time explaining if you continue to date that person in the future. Its not bad enough they will hear about it dailey if you continue to see each other if you are compatible. Why bore them with it on the 1st few days of dating sheesh.

    We dont live in a perfect world so if someone dont understand your condition they might as well keep walking. Anyone injured dont make them rejects and they are no diferent then someone that dont have an injury. Dating can be fun or it can suck, ok that might be the wrong word to use. Lol. Only way you can have fun is be yourself, nobody likes fake. You never want to try to live up to someones expectations. Be who you are dont mater if its bad or good. Just be real. Takes a lot of the guessing game out of it that way. Lot of people dating stress only cause they want to put up an image who they realy are not and you always find out later anyways. Good luck, Alex,
    Flexicore ADR 2004 resulting nerve damage l4l5 Fusion 2006 same level, 2009 hardware removal with lami !
    2012 scs implant ,
  • I think Alex got it right all around. Dates, especially first dates are to "feel" out the situation and see if you can even stand being in the same room, put up with that laugh (or titter) and genuinely want to see them again... it is Not the place to trash the ex, make like you're at the doctors or (please no) the pyschiatrist! Lets face it, unless they are so into themselves that they don't notice that "walk" or skip or whatever... there will be more than enough time to talk about it, in depth, if you two decide to stick around a bit.

    And, since most of the responses have been fun, I'll skip mine and just say I feel like I've aged from 45 but felt like 25 to 50...er, 51 but feels like 81 ;p Wish I'd read some of these before I made up my mind to skip it all these days! :) Might have made a different decision!
  • Makes me think of that hilarious piece where Sally fakes it in Harry in the diner. Unfortunately I don't think I sound quite so sexy when I am in pain, just not my thing...

  • I married before my chronic pain started. Thank god I did because If I didn't I would be by myself. I cannot handle day to day life with pain and dating would never be a option because all they would see is a jackass with a bad attitude.

    My poor wife deals with it everyday! However, I'm learning to control it.
    Good luck to you! if you can handle pain you can date. But if you can't it's not worth dating and making your partner suffer also. They don't deserve it.
  • Thats the best part is making your partner suffer wit ya. Lol.
    Flexicore ADR 2004 resulting nerve damage l4l5 Fusion 2006 same level, 2009 hardware removal with lami !
    2012 scs implant ,
  • I had to add marriage,to the list!Everyone has gave you great advice on dating!Now if you find that wonderful someone,(and I know they`re out there)! I would look for a guy who show`s great compassion,unselfess,humor,smart,and a huge shoulder to cry to,and lastly someone who doesn`t keep a list of things he does for anyone)! I`ll be married 41 years this June(I MARRIED AT 13)!lol But, young enough,not to have that list in my pocket.(Handsome,money,love to dance, oh, be in a band,would be romantic,to be sung to)!When we`re young(at least me)we don`t look beyond the shallow things.I wish I had! We all learn,at some point,there will be pain, whether,physically,mentally,or just crap life is going to throw at us!!!I`ve had to learn,and I keep learning(SO SAD to SAY)!!I wish I`d had the wisdom to lean on my hubby,through all the ugly things,let him know I can`t handle all those by myself.A marriage is never one spouse holding everything together(like Gorrillo Glue). So when you find,that special someone,keep your list handy,he might not be handsome,wealthy,like everything you do,but he loves you beyond the shallow things as you`ll love him.Like those special words "Though sickness and health".I believe you`ll find your prince, he may seem like a frog, but if he is your true prince, he`ll love you beyond all the pain. Like our fellow spinies advised(great advice,by-the-way)!No matter what,where there is hope there is a way!Good luck!As always,Gentle HUGZ!!!
  • I will speak from the other side of the fence.
    Married for 13 yrs now - about 1/2 of those years I have been injured.

    He LOATHES the changes in me and our life. I do mean LOATHES!!!!! I pay for my injury each and every day with him. (why I stay is a whole different story/situation)

    So by you going into a relationship with your injury this person is choosing to be with you the person, accepting you as you are.

    So from my side of the fence I would view your dating and hopefully finding Mr.Right after and with your situation as a positive thing ;)
    L1 - S2 "gone" useless in 1 way or another. DDD. RA. Bone Spurs. Tons of nerve damage/issues. Stenosis. Both knees replaced. 50 yrs old. I had a great fall (hence my user name) at age 41 and it has been a domino effect every since.
  • Ms.Dumpty,Iknow where you`re coming from.My darlin Hubby,has no clue about never ending spine sufering!I really try to understand him. You would think that he would know me alittle better! Never,ever,have I had to deal with a condition,I couldn`t be his loving,devoted,suppot of wife!He hates my condition.He want`s the return of his former wife. What-the-heck,I want me back,more than he does!!!After more Doc.`s than I care to think about telling him,doesn`t matter what surgeries,I have,more rests,there isn`t any Docs.in the US.that could bring back his former wife.Maybe,some better,who know`s,maybe years down the road,tech. will be here.Endless pain,I`m trying to make lemonade out of lemon`s. I know he loves me,he just can`t or won`t understand. Get Her Fixed,NOW!!!Maybe, a miracle is around the corner.Just not now,I wished I knew when.So for anyone married,or in a relationship,and your other half is everything you need and want,gave him or her a great,big hug for me. You truly have found your king or queen!!!I`d be jealous,if I wasn`t so happy for you lucky spinies!Happy Memorial Day,have a wonderful,painfree weekend!
  • You both hit on something very important about our male significant others. While we are the nurturers, they are the fixers! They can't fix us, and I do think sometimes they take that as a failure on their part.

    For some, that translates into them acting out, and too dumping it back on their wives that the profess to love. Just my thoughts there...

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
This discussion has been closed.
Sign In or Register to comment.