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My Depression is crushing me !!!

asignor908aasignor908 Posts: 339
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:54 AM in Back Surgery and Neck Surgery
Hi all

I also wanted to bring up my continued battle with very severe depression. I feel horrible mentally so much I don't live I exsist. I have searched for answers and tried remedies with my doctor. As some of you know I am a disabled vet with long running PTSD, anxiety, and majoe depressive disorder.

I suspect my pain pills are the culpret, but I haven't had the guts or the strength to quit them due to pain and I feel worse very rapidly. I just don't know what to do as I am not living anymore, I am exsisting. I isolate from loved ones and don't want to do anything at all or maybe I should say I can't do anything.

Lately I truly feel like giving up as I see know point as to having a life that revolves around pills and dwelling on past memories, some good and some not. I have been treated for so long I just feel there's nothing left to try or do and I think my wife would be better off. I do want to take myself out due to religous and family considerations and I just really hate myself and what I have become.

I'm not sure why I am posting this as while I am writing it it sounds pathetic. Many of you have been such great friends and so unselfish and I thank you. I know no one has a magic answer for this, I guess I'm just saying what I feel. The docs don't like to switch my anti depressants because I can be mentally sensitive to meds so the are hesitant due to past failures.

I don't blame God or anyone except myself for the way things have turned out, I could have done better somehow. Hope things get better for all you guys. thanks for listening,



  • Why do you blame yourself? There are so many factors that go into each decision and each action, that no one person or thing is the sole source of blame.

    I totally understand the pit of despair, but there's gotta be a rope or ladder somewhere that someone can toss down to you.

    Do your docs know how bad this all is effecting you?

    You're right, there is no magic answer, but there is an answer somewhere, you just have to keep searching until you find it.

    Wishing you well.

  • Thanks for responding. Yes they know I feel bad, but I do know want to go to the VA psych ward of all places. I am wondering if anyone has had definate, severe depression related to pain meds? I read some articles that say it gives you a mental boost, but many thing have gotten worse since I have taken pain meds steadily since 2007.

    I just don't know how to recapture my life any more and I don't have the will to try most of the time. I have been searching for a rope, a vine or anything to try to get out of this. It seems very hopeless and really useless. I consider trying to ditch the pain meds, but not sure if I can or should. What a mess...
    AL S
  • So sorry you are feeling so bad. I became only moderately depressed last summer as I was dealing with continued pain following my fusion and the death of my mom (only 55, breast cancer). So I know how out of control of it all you can feel and I was only a bit depressed.

    I did a lot of reading at the time trying to work out if the continued pain was caused by my state of mind or vice versa. It seems that the two feed each other - pain causes depression and depression makes pain worse. I am afraid that my depression only lifted once I found out that my back pain was actually caused by an infection and so I wasn't doing it to my self.

    I also don't know if the pain meds make it worse. I was never given anything stronger than tramadol.

    Are your painkillers actually working? In as much as are they killing the pain?

    I agree with haglandc. I know it is hard but speak to your doc. There are some anti depressants that help with chronic pain. Also, maybe talking about it will help?

    I hope that you get some relief soon. Take care. x
  • I know the pain meds help with the pain, but there are of course side affects like being tired and so forth. Maybe the pain and frustration are causing the depression to worsen, I just don't know any more. My view on everything is worse and negative for the most part. I have tried some med changes and augments which just served to frustrate me more and make me feel physically ill.
    AL S
  • Al,

    Greetings my friend! *HUG* Still here for you darlin! Question? Does your wife know your feelings (as you posted on here?) I know we tend to try and hide or protect our loved ones, but things like you describe - she needs to know about, as does your doctor, but you stated your doctor is aware.

    If your doctor is aware, why aren't they being more pro-active with you? That is worrisome to me. Thinking of you darlin.

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Is good to hear from you as always. I am feeling a little better right now. I have an up day or two and back down. I haven't told my doctor that I am in desperation oe she would want me to check in to the VA psych ward which I'm not up for and there are numerous reasons for that.

    I did tell my wife and she can see it anyway, I feel sorry for her having a mate who is like this. I don't understand why I have to be like this and on some levels as I mentioned I am sure some of my meds have something to do with it. The pain meds are most suspect I suppose since things seem to have gotten worse since I have been on them over time and I don't seem to have a drive for anything.

    I do get a VA pension and pay the bills so I am worth while that way, but I don't see my value in many other areas. I know how that sounds, but just putting it on the line.

    Hearing from you perked me up some, so thanks *HUG*.

    I just don't know what to think and I'm still looking for the right move. Thanks for thinking of me.

    AL S
  • I can understand where you are coming from, as I have battled pain for a long time and continue to do so. My son is what continues to drive me, he is everything! I have been separated for over 18 months, so I enjoy my son--thankfully his mom and I are friends though. I would never consider harming myself, and I hope you won't either. I know people have done so because of pain, but don't give up.........*BRO HUG*

  • I read pretty much all your posts. Some threads I don't post in mainly because you are getting great advice and support, and I can't really add more than what other members are/had told you.

    I know for me when I take narcotics, I get sleepy, moody sometimes, draggy etc. If you are already 'down', I would guess they could add to it. You might want to see about addressing the generalized depression though, even if with a private (civilian) psychiatrist. Avoiding the problem (the VA psych ward) is a disservice to yourself, your wife, family and friends.

    I will continue keeping you in my thoughts and sending positive thoughts and energy your way. I'm also going to wish for you to have more "up" days than "down" days. *HUGZ*

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Thanks for your thoughts, I may seek out civilian help as far as something more directed to this situation. A group or something of people dealing with this type of issue. The facet injections seem to be helping today but still too soon for me to say it worked with confidence and of course for how long.

    I also agree and know that the pain meds are affecting my moods as well as the pain. That's my big dilema the pain or the meds. I know it doesn't have to be an all or nothing, but I just feel so emotionally dead right now with no real desires, no excitement etc., I just have to find a balance that will work.

    Thanks for being there,
    your friend,
    AL S
  • I didn't mean to sound so bad, it just hurts so bad at times, mentally. I would never want to hurt my family like that and hopefully will never get that desperate. The hole seems dark at times but I cling to my faith and I am looking for solutions.

    Thanks man,

    AL S
  • Al,

    Hopefully the facet injections will take this time. I've had ESI's not facet, so not sure what the success rate is with them. Fingers crossed you get some relief.

    I am glad to hear you are considering a civilian doctor. You need to also let your doctor know what is going on. My NS said to me one day "You're not the happy go lucky Brenda you use to be." I was like "yeah, ya think?" It shocked him when I told him that I was unhappy, and that was due to being in one form of pain or another 24/7. I did see a psychiatrist to be sure I was "unhappy" vs "depressed", and unhappy was the winner.

    I've then come to the realization that the pain wasn't likely to go away, but *I* was still here. I slowly but surely started doing things I liked and loved again, even if only for short periods. I find I can once again laugh again, smile to others etc. I guess if I just focused on the pain and my limitations, sure depression could creep in. Also too, holding onto your former life isn't always healthy either. I know my 'past life' is gone, I grieved over that loss for a bit, but then started to look forward. Maybe easier said than done, but that is what I did.

    I use to be able to tornado through the kitchen to clean it, now 2 or 3 dishes and I have to sit down else fall down! Clean a couple of counters, sit down - well you get the picture. Instead of comparing my me now and then, I just deal with what I can do now and be happy that *I can* still do some things. Those that really know us and care about us UNDERSTAND and still love us. :)

    Of course then there are us - your fellow spiney dudes! We get it, we understand it, and guess what? "Warts and all", we'll keep ya darlin!!

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • What pain meds are you on? I was taking Oxycontin 120mg or 40mg 3x day and was taking Cymbalta for depression and nerve pain and Wellbutrin also. I asked my Dr. to trim me down to 60mg of Oxycontin a day and now have one or 2 breakthrough meds a day and am feeling less depressed.

    It's always good if you get a chance to talk with a Professional Therapist or Psychiatrist if you're needing more help and they usually start you at making small goals for yourself what can you do today? Be it a small walk with the dog if you have one for two or 3x day and find out what you can do making short term and long term goals. Or just to have someone outside the family who can help you and plan a treatment plan just for you.

    There's always help if you need to call a distress line Al. Many of us get it. We're with you and praying you will get out of this. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • I take oxycodone 10mg 5x a day which I reduced from 25mgs 4x a day just a few months back. Now I have had 6 facet injections the other day and shockingly, at least for now pain is down, for how long is the next big question. I feel as though I still need to take my pain meds even though my pain is down, I think is just mental so I am cutting from 5 a day to 4 a day starting this morning and then I'll see if I can go down further. I get so tired of the med issues.

    I know there are help lines and I have called before, but I find I have better luck here :).


    AL S
  • Everything you said I know to be true, just trying to find my center and feel a little better again. The facet injections seemed to have worked for now, but for how long? I know I should just say hooray, but I am skeptical. I will be cutting my pain meds a little at a time as long as pain is down and I hope that will improve my mood.

    Thanks for being there and taking me even with my warts.


    AL S
  • *HUGZ* Back to ya Al!!!

    Glad to be able to help, or at least give other options as to what might help. I wouldn't start cutting your pain medications though until your doctor is on board, *and* knows what's been going on mood wise. He might even be able to steer you in a direction that helps? Please keep your care providers in the loop, okay?

    I'm here for you where I can. :)

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Keep them in the loop. just want to crawl up towards the light. ;)
    AL S
  • asignor908 said:
    Keep them in the loop. just want to crawl up towards the light. ;)
    Sounds like a winner plan my friend!!! :)

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
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