I honestly don't think that I'm depressed. I've been there before and it was nasty, I actually was diagnosed with severe depressive disorder. After trying many different anti-depressants, I started Cymbalta last year, for both depression and anxiety, although I really was only dealing with anxiety at that point, and it has been the best med so far for me.
My problem now, is that since my surgery a couple of weeks ago, I don't have the use of my left arm. It is so frustrating, I'm finding things daily that I can't do and I just took for granted before. The biggest things are the fact that it is so hard to get dressed. I've been able to figure out how to put on a shirt at least, but I need someone to help put on my bra, and to pull my pants up properly on the left side. I also need someone to apply my anti-perspirant on the right side, and to help dry off after showering. It is so degrading and humiliating, even though it's just my boyfriend or mom helping me.
I'm waiting to hear back from the hospital about getting in for another MRI and appointment with the neuro that my surgeon ordered and referred me to. But I'm so afraid that the neuro is just going to say, it will take time, which is what everyone else has said so far. I'm also waiting to hear back from home care, they have authorized home pt for me. What if time and pt doesn't heal this? To think that i have to live like this for the rest of my life is so scary to me.
And then there's the pain. Constantly shooting from my shoulder down to my fingers. And the muscle pain on top of that. My meds don't even touch it. My bicep has completely atrophied, there's nothing left of it, it's like someone deflated a balloon inside my arm. I can move my arm a couple of inches to the side, bending from the elbow towards my body, but it doesn't even reach as far as my belly button, but I can't move it away from my body, or lift it, and can't control it when it drops. I try to think of the positive things, like at least my hand still works, but that's getting old pretty quick now. It's good to sit here and type, I just have to move my arm over with my right hand and set it on the laptop. But I can't do other things like cut my food up to eat, it all makes me feel like a 4 year old. It's so hard to get showered and dressed, so tiring. By the time I'm done I've used every ounce of energy in me and I need to lay down again, due to being exhausted and of course, in more pain, which really sucks when I have to go somewhere after.
The big thing is that, as some people know, we are moving back to Whitehorse at some point. My bf will be going back ahead of me, probably next month or August. I actually told him that he should just go, that I was giving him a "go straight to home" card and to cut his losses and go with a clear conscience, because especially now, I'm facing months of physio and who knows what else, and what if it doesn't even get better? There's such a lack of medical resources there, I would have to fly to see any sort of specialist. He said not to be silly, that I should stay here, get fixed up, then move up when I'm better, he can stay in the in-law suite in his mom's house in the meantime.
I just don't know what to do, about any of it. The pain, moving, should I just stay or wait and see? It's all getting to me and I have that mother of an anxiety attack looming over me, I can just feel it. I'm almost getting back to that "why me" stage, which I got over a long time ago. I actually never really got into that, just accepted that it is what it is, and just deal with it. But now, those thoughts are starting to creep in and I don't like it. Well, really, I don't like any of this. I'm 38 years old, I should be enjoying the best years of my life right now. It's all getting to be a little much to handle.
APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own