It has been a while since i have been here, i have not been in a good place but i am fighting all of it!! I am unsure as to whether it is the state of my mental health or the medication i am on, but i have never slept or been in bed (by myself) for 15 hours straight. most of the time i really cant be bothered doing anything, i am seeing someone about it and they say i am coping well. to be honest the constant pain is getting on my nerves. i can no longer hold a coffee cup in my left hand due to lack of strength and the doctors seem to think i can cope until atleast three months after my lumbar surgery scheduled for the end of july, i am unsure if can keep it together for another four months. i still do not know or have been told why my discs are failing, i now have six that have decided to go their own way, november i only had five, all i have been able to get out the doctors is "lets wait and see" which does not really help me.so now L2 to S1 has failed T2/3 and C6/7 have also failed. the pain level is something i do not want to ever feel again. I do not know why this is happening and if i can ever get out of this, it never seems to end and the people around me dont seem to understand or why i do not want to go around smiling all the time, i just want it to all go away. i can not use my left arm properly, sit for long or stand for long. it takes me approx 45 minutes to walk 1000m and everybody seems to think that is alright. i find myself crying for no reason even in my sleep and they also think that is normal. i do not know how long i can keep this up.