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lost myself....

virginiapvvirginiap Posts: 508
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:54 AM in Recovering from Surgery
I feel as if I have lost myself, myself worth, myself being, I am so sick of being sick and feeling so useless.10 months post ALIF and I WANT my life back, I want ME back. I just can't accept what has happened to me and how to stop it.

I want to live again, work, laugh, dance, socialize & enjoy living instead of just existing and watching the world and my life pass me by.

How do I get out of this hole? I am in big time self pity mode and I know many of you must of felt like this at some point, please share how & what you did to crawl back into the world of the living. I think the revision surgery looming over me, I want to wait till 12 month mark, the waiting is brutal, I'm scared to even have the revision, seeing such bad results from the original surgery. That along with my neck issues & knowing that at anytime now my employer will be letting me go... I haven't worked in 10 months, so I can't blame them.

I just feel like I am in a room with no doors and need to get out.




  • >:D< >:D< >:D<

    Now firstly, you are not alone. There are lots of friends here who completely understand the frustration of wanting to get back to who we were before our spine problems and chronic pain. We have been / are in the same position.

    OK, reading your post, this is what I thought of, (I will try the same things myself, to see if it works!)

    Write a list (Sorry, I am an avid list writer, but it does help to focus the mind, formulate ideas, and remember them.)

    What are all the things that you enjoy, that you would be able to do now. Some ideas that I would enjoy are ;

    Reading that book that I have heard about / is on my shelf waiting to be read

    Watching that DVD

    Getting some art / craft supplies so you can just enjoy playing around with it

    Writing: a poem, a story, a journal, a letter to a friend / lonely family member

    Getting a book from the library / shop on something you are interested to learn about

    Watching that tv show series that you missed but have heard so much about

    Take a walk each day throughout the seasons and take your camera along with you to capture the changes

    Invite a friend round for lunch / coffee / tea and make something special to really treat them


    You must have other ideas that will reflect your interests / pleasures.

    Oh, and come on Spine Health to have a chat with friends.

    I hope that may give you some cheerfull things to focus on. Please let me know how you get on, and if it helped. I am off to write a list!! :D :H

  • HI,
    I hear you and I visit the place you're at pretty regularly...I was out of work for 7 months last year and when I went back, I got laid off at the end of Dec. after being back for 6 weeks. Talk about feeling useless and unwanted...not to mention lonely, as not going to work stopped the daily socializing. So, I get on this site and see what's happening with other people, call a friend or send a few emails, do my nails and watch tv. Am currently healing from a re-do cervical fusion (C5-C7) and hoping that all will be well with my neck, as I have enough other problems for 3 people. You just have to find what works for you and not give up... I also try to find things to look forward to...a concert, the grocery store, a picnic, even a dr appt to get out of the house and feel human again. I just was accepted for SSD, and as great as that is, it still does not give me anything to do on a daily basis to feel good about...but I'm still looking for reasons to smile...we can't give up!!! We are still worthwhile people, but our bodies are just not cooperating...
    I know there is a path for me somewhere to feel like part of society again...I just need to find it!
    Hang in there, and there are people on this site who truly understand and wish you well.
  • Virginia,

    Big HUGZ to ya woman!! Sorry you are so down and too unsure of the future. I have that shirt in my closet too! I had to retire from a career I loved thanks to my lovely spine issues. Hopefully for you, that will not be the case. Until the 'fat lady' sings, you can't give up hope, and then again, if and when she does, we have to modify to our changes.

    Know we are all here for you. Like was said, make a list of things you can do, and start trying to do some of them. Me, I love to do bead work. Many times of late my hand won't allow for me to due 'off loom' work, but when it's behaving, I bead. If you have a variety of things you enjoy, hopefully one or more can be done day to day. Posting is something I enjoy. I can do it for 10 minutes or an hour depending on the day, but it gives me enjoyment. Figure out what helps you out, and go for it! *HUGZ* Again, we are here for you woman!!

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Thank you ladies for your support.
    I will reply to you all and update you.
    It's 3am here on east coast,.Sunshine State,.when I'm not as medicated and can reply in a more coherent manner. Just didn't want you to think I do not appreciate your help, support, understanding, Hugz, and advice.
    Wishing you all the very best.

    Brenda very curious to hear what happened July 1. I'll check boards to see if.you posted.

    Best wishes sisters.

  • Virginia,

    Take your time. Hopefully it will all sort out for you soon.

    I made a thread about it. I was canceled on June 30th! I fired my Neurologist after the office lady told me my next appointment wouldn't be until October! I had enough.

    Tomorrow I am going to reach out to an Orthopedic spine surgeon tomorrow. He is the Director of Neuro (spine) surgery, and has a very good reputation, training and resume. Since for some reason my *former* Neurologist skipped my L2/3/4 nerves on my EMG, I'll probably have another - no biggie. But fingers crossed I can get in with this surgeon - I'm done troubleshooting.

    I hope your 4th is going well. Spending it quietly here. :)

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Hi; and i'm very sorry, that you are feeling that way. It's very hard to keep your chin-up and have something to look forward to, when you have a list of restrictions, and limitations.

    Just try to look at the postitives, and after your next surgery, you may be able to do most things you enjoy.
    We all have times in the self pity mode, and i quess we all deserve to feel that way once in a while.
    Just so long as we dont let it consume us, and we can look at 'what we have, and not what we dont have" I'm still trying to learn that myself.

    Hopefully your employer can keep your position open for you when you are ready to go back. But dont worry about that now, just concentrate on getting healed.

    Thinking of you, and wishing you the best.
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