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Isolated and down

Meucci24MMeucci24 Posts: 38
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:55 AM in Depression and Coping
Hi, I've not been a member here long, but I've been reading a lot. My depression issues are not unlike most others. My biggest issue is being isolated. I'm getting so many dark thoughts and days now it's getting harder and harder to keep on with just ...well, anything.

I live alone and always have. I have no friends left, though I was very active in my past life (pre-back problems). I was a dog groomer and bartender for many years. I've always worked with dogs as my main job. They are so accepting and non-judgmental. Sadly I just had to give up my last dog to a great home as I can no longer walk her (she is a German Shepherd and would get really down without a daily long walk.)I did it as long as I could, but my gait is so slow now it was hurting her to walk slowly with me. She's so happy now in her new home. That part makes me happy for her...and very sad for me.

I've told my docs about the depression and even that I think about the end constantly. It consumes my day, every day. I am agnostic with a great fear of God. I have no family, though I was born into a large one. I was the booty call that was not suppose to happen and was reminded of that every time there was a gathering that my mom made me go to. I have many half brothers and sisters and one full brother...all act as if I crowded into their family on purpose. None ever call me and all live within a few miles of me. My brother took me to my last SSI/DI hearing in March and that was a silent ride to and from and the last time I heard from him.

I've not been able to work, except from home online, for the last 2+ years. All the friends I'd made are gone. No one calls. My last friend I spoke to was in April when I was turned down for SSI/DI after the hearing. She said, "Great, I guess I'll have to support you until I retire now *sigh*" That was the last time I spoke to her.

While finishing myself off consumes my mind daily, it's always from a practical standpoint. If you are worthless, why are you sticking around? My last visit to my pain doc gave me Zanaflex which actually made me desperate to die. I have never had such a feeling and it was constant. I was so angry at myself for not being able to do it I was beside myself. I told my doc about it last Thursday at follow up and he laughed (actually laughed) and said, "Guess that didn't work, huh?" Then suggested I try Suboxone. I said no. I'm allergic to all opiates and he wants to guinea pig me on different meds. I won't be his guinea pig anymore. I have enough problems.

My only line of communication has been the Internet and it has literally saved my life for the last 2 years. Sadly, I lose my landline phone service and Internet next Thursday. They want money. I understand. I just don't have any. The same day I got the disconnect warning, I also got a notice to cure my home loan. They want tens of thousands of dollars by the end of next week. Not going to happen, obviously.

I emailed my attorney to let her know that I'm now completely destitute. She refiled my case, but was in no hurry to get a hearing. She now understands how desperate I am...and that she won't get any money if I'm not around, so she called SSI and they are trying to get moving on the case. At this point I really don't care anymore.

I do qualify for low income housing, but can't make the deposit or pass the credit checks and the neighborhoods are so scary I would fear that appearing lame and alone would make me a perfect target for someone.

I've lost so much weight now I don't have clothes that fit. I'm down to low 130's and at 5'9 that's pretty skinny, but I'm just not hungry. I've told my GP at the county clinic who just says, "you've got a bad back, go see the pain doc."

I guess I just want control of something. I've lived my whole life just to spite my family and I'm getting so tired. Sorry for the long rant. I just needed to vent a little. Most of my days are spent crying and seriously, what's the point in that? Anyway, thanks for listening. Sorry to be such a crab/whiny baby. Thanks in advance for any suggestions to get out of this now permanent funk.


  • Want to let you know that we are here for you. Chronic pain can be hard on relationships with people that don't "get it" which is why these friendships sometimes fall to the wayside.

    Your spiney friends here understand your feelings. Have you sought out any help from a therapist? The fact that your doctor laughed about the feelings you were having tell me that it is time for a new doctor. That is terrible and unprofessional of them.

    Please continue to reach out for help in your community, either in person or a hotline. (Ranchhand I am borrowing from you,hope you don't mind)...

    Suicide Hotline
    USA: 1-800-784-2433
    UK : 08457 90 90 90
    ROI: 1850 60 90 90

    Please keep coming here and talking to us, we are here for you

    >:D< Karen
    >:D< >:-D< : Karen
    L3-S1 herniation and bulges, stenosis, mod facet,ddd,impinged nerves,coccydinia
    discectomy/lami July 2011-unsuccessful
    adr L5-S1 Feb 2012
  • I'm sorry you're going through all this and no support from anyone. My friends and co-workers and pretty much most of my family don't stay in contact with me and I have an emotionally abusive husband who doesn't understand chronic pain at all. I just sold my house and started renting and now have a bit more money instead of owning. Could that be an option for you? I just moved about 2 weeks ago and like this area better than where my house was.

    I take Cymbalta which helps with chronic pain and nerve pain and it's also an anti-depressant. I've also taken Wellbutrin also. Sorry you have to lose your internet but think you could use it at the library. I know it's hard but if you can make yourself go out a few minutes daily for a walk with using a cane or walker? I use a cane for walks but not sure how I would manage without pain meds.

    Never give up hope. No friends? We're your Friends and we get it. Please reach out and let your Dr. know how you feel and call the distress line.
    I'm praying your SSI goes through. Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • I'm feeling a bit better today, and usually do if I get more than a couple hours of sleep like I did last night. Myakes my back/neck hurt a bit more, but gets my mind in a better place.

    I can only go to the county hospital and clinics since I can't pay. They assign you a doctor and that's that. My GP is a nice guy, but does not have time to counsel. He referred me to the pain clinic and there is only one doc there. So there's no chance of getting a different one for pain management. It makes me mad that they only want to prescribe. When I refused the Suboxone experiment, while literally crying in the room, he was obviously angry. I asked for a referral to PT and a new/better brace. He said I'd already tried PT and it did not work. I explained that was not true. I'd gone to 2 PT appts. then lost my transportation. He said he'd not read that much of my file. Then why would he put me on meds without reading my file? That really makes me mad. It seems they want to drug us, then treat us all like we are there strictly to get drugs. It's a viscous cycle. He did finally refer me to PT for 3 times a week and turned me over to the brace guy...then left the room and was done with me. I tried to explain to the brace guy what I wanted or thought maybe I needed, but I'm no doctor. He gave me a rib wrap which really doesn't help. I needed one that is more rigid and pulls my shoulders back.

    I've told my GP about the constant thoughts and he just says, "oh, we'll keep you around a while longer". I'm not sure why he won't refer me to the mental health part of the hospital. I can only guess that it may be worse there as that's where they take any criminals from the state for treatment. So he may be right. The pain doc said nothing other than what he thought was quite funny.

    I've thought about a cane, but I have arthritis in both shoulders now. What a mess. So I'm not sure if that would cause more pain in that area. I'd like to try one, but can't buy one at this time. I'm going to look into one or at least try it out as soon as I can.

    Thanks again for all the support. This is a great group and I hope I can keep in touch after I lose the internet at home.
  • That's terrible for you too. I think the only thing worse than being completely alone is to be stuck with someone abusive. I hope things change for you soon in that area.

    We do have a nice library downtown. Right now I live just outside the city limits (by blocks) and am 3 miles from the closest bus stop. I did get approved for paratransit bus service to get to and from the docs and the grocery store once a week, but it does not cover any other trips. I'm trying to figure out how to get to the library.

    Now that I did get referred to PT I will get out 3 times a week, so at least that's something. It will force me to talk to other people. Not about mental issues, but at least to actually vocalize. Right now (since the dog left) I literally go days without speaking. I know that doesn't help my mental status.

    I do love to walk, even though it hurts right now, and I love to be outside in general. This summer (and last winter) have been so unbearably humid that it's been even worse. I think that's been one of the hardest parts. I walk pretty well inside on flat ground with the AC (small window) and lower humidity. As soon as I step outside it's hard to make it to the end of the driveway to check the mail since the air is just so stiff.

    When I do have to move, I'd really like to just move to a dryer state. I'll have to sell or just leave most of my stuff, but that will happen even if I move a few blocks away so it's not that big of a deal.

    I signed up for more state aid last week so we'll see if anything comes from that. I really hate having to ask for it since I've worked all my life (since I was 12), but you gotta do what you can to survive.

    I'm only on salsalate and amitrityline right now. I've been on valium in the past and it seemed to help a little, but could only take 2mg and stay awake. I'm such a lightweight when it comes to drugs. My new pain doc dc'ed the valium though so he could try his cocktails. I may ask to go back on them when I go back in 6 weeks. Seems like I go from a decent mindset to a complete meltdown in .002 seconds nowadays. It doesn't matter where I am either. Had a meltdown on the bus the first week due to the driver running late for my SSI doc appt. (psych for suicidal tendencies) and I feared being turned down for not making the appointment. I mean I had a full blown episode right there on the bus. Scared the driver so much he actually got me there only 5 minutes late instead of the 45 he told me it would be. I guess whatever works, lol.

    You guys are all really great people and I appreciate all the support you give to me and everyone on here. Hopefully I'll be able to help some others in the same way soon. When I get my head on straight. Thank you all again!

  • Hi Christine,

    I am Stephanie. I have had many of the same feelings of hopelessness and despair as you have had. I know it doesn't take your pain away, but you are not alone in your suffering. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Things do change, that is the one constant in life.

    How are you feeling today?

    I am curious, have you ever heard of reiki? Many cities have reiki circles and other type of alternative healing modalities that they offer for free or on a "love offering" basis. Perhaps you could meet some new friends, if you are so isolated, having someone to just be there and lay thier hands on you with the intention of healing could do so much.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    One Love,

  • HI,
    I am so sorry you are so miserable :(.... I also don't have anyone to depend on, except for the hubby, who averages 65+ hours when he's working, then is on layoff in the winter months...and all friends live a few hours away. I hate the loss of company stopping by, or a trip to the mall to shop for as long as I can walk without pain...But you're head has me worried. You are facing so much...the money or lack there of, the isolation, the pain, the dr's who aren't listening,and the medical limitations of the treatment you seek.
    My friend, I wish I had half of your strength....you may be a wreck, but you're doing what you have to, and looking for help and answers, while fighting some nasty depression. Which by the way, you have every right to feel, but this has to be brought under better control....
    Can I ask where you live? It sounds as though you're seeking the right help, just not getting the right cooperation... There are lots of people getting help, so there is no reason there isn't help for you, and with the physical problems, you should get more! Do you get food stamps? Is there a local "catholic charities" type of association in your area? They will give food, money, place to stay, med help, transportation help, etc.
    If you lived near me, I'd let you stay here...I have great dr's, a very understanding hubby, and I'd find you help to get your life back on track.
    I used to work with people with developmental disabilities, and there is help, but you need to know where to look. I know that is not your type of disability, I was using it as an example. I just got accepted on SSD, and the money is not great, but I would be willing to send you some money to at least keep your phone and internet. You can not be left with no communication options...with severe depression.
    My current suggestion, though the money would probably be a problem is to get a cat....you've been around animals so much, and you know their level of understanding and friendship... And are there any large churches near you? Sometimes they have resources available to help those truly needing it, and I think you qualify...
    God, I wish I had the personal resources to help you...sometimes life just throws us too much at a time to handle.
    I will pray that you find answers and the help that you need. Private message me, and let me know what I could do to help you, and how much your cable and phone is... We need to keep you on this site, so at least we can be of support... Maybe the library thing would work, but in the mean time, you have to be able to chat with us!
    Please contact me...
  • When I have had suicidal thoughts, there is something I heard that comes to mind: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The terrible feelings come and go, or at least dissipate. Suicide is forever.

    I don't know if you are religious at all or if you would consider getting involved to some extent. It could provide you with the opportunity to meet some people, to get involved, and they may have resources to point you to. If you are interested but can't get there, you could call the church and let them know your interest and maybe they could help with that. There are a lot of lonely people out here. From personal experience I know how difficult it is to reach out, fear of rejection, but it could be worth it.

    Take care.
    4 level ACDF C4-C7 5-2-11, laminectomy & discectomy L4-L5 1/26/12, ALIF L4-5, L5-S1 12/10/12.
  • Thanks so much (to all of you!) for the support. I swear most of the time I'm now manic/depressive. My day yesterday was just horrible, and today a simple trip to the grocery store on the paratransit bus set me off to a great start (even though it hurts to walk much).

    I've not heard of reiki, other than online a little bit. There is probably something like it here, I'm just not familiar with it.

    Like I said, today was a MUCH better day. I know the lower humidity helped a lot too. I could walk outside without crying by the time I reached the street, lol. I live in Iowa and last winter was bad, but this summer has been absolutely horrid. I keep it as cool and dry as possible inside, but that means not going out...more isolation. It seems if the tiniest thing goes wrong I'm a dishrag again. Thankfully nothing has yet today.

    Thanks again for all the support. This site really is a life saver and you all are amazing people.

  • Like I said above I'm having a decent day today. Thank goodness! I really want to thank you all again for all the kind words and support and I try my best to keep you all in mind every day.

    I'm scheduled to lose the phone/internet today...but I'm hoping I get lost in the shuffle of the phone company merging, for a few days anyway.

    I'm actually attempting to look into some online college courses. It always seems sort of like one step forward and two steps back though. I know I should probably call the county clinic to find out about some pro therapy, but there is that stigma attached. If you go in it's on your record forever. Then of course on those dark days I think they will just think I'm attention seeking. Stupid I know, but it's what goes around in my brain when left idle.

    My original GP was a great guy at first, but now he really seems sick of me and since he can't "fix" me he's at a bit of a loss too. So he sent me to the PM doc and said he'd just "lost a patient". I called him for another issue and he didn't return my call, which I took personally of course. They are just so understaffed there.

    I totally am not asking for any kind of monetary assistance from anyone here and would not accept it. It's more than awesome of you to offer! I've always supported myself monetarily, emotionally and physically so this is all so new to me. I just wish my lawyer would get off her @$$ and do some work for me. I did send her a pretty desperate email and she said she is going to try and get an emergency hearing. That would be a huge help IF the judge actually reads the file this time. Last time I got a turn down after 2+ years of waiting in under 2 weeks.

    I'm a web content producer for a little extra money to survive, but it's become hard to concentrate on anything other than survival lately.

    If I can work out something with these online courses that would be helpful. I still need to get out more. My pain doc's nurse suggested a roommate situation. I had to explain to her they usually want rent, lol. Not funny, but sometimes they just don't get it.

    My neighbor has a cat that lives outside. I don't have one because of the food/litter expenses and even bending to clean the litter, etc. I think the neighbor's cat had a bit of a stroke the other day, sadly. She is still alive and going seemingly strong so we've made a deal (whether she knows it or not)...as long as she can take it, so can I, lol. We are hanging in together, both lopsided now.

    Thanks again, I will message you in case you don't come back to this thread. You are all great people and here's to hoping we all feel better soon! Man, I like these days when things go a little better!

  • Hi Karen, truer words were never spoken (what you said about it being a permanent solution to a temp. problem). That keeps me going, literally. I really want to see how this all turns out. I know it's not supposed to end this way so I just can't go out like that no matter how much I want to sometimes.

    I have thought about church, but my mom was raised a staunch Catholic and stopped when I was born (she knew she did the wrong thing getting back with my dad for that night and thought her God would never forgive her). She got back with the church fervently before she died though. It was almost like my brother and I did not matter anymore, she had to get back with God. I don't blame her, but I kind of do. It's weird. So I'm not big on church...more afraid of it than anything.

    Hopefully I'll have my Internet connection for a few more days and there's always that hope that something will come along just in the nick of time. It's happened before, so I'm just trying to keep a good day good...and get through the bad days as best I can. It's all we can do I guess.

    Thanks again! Christine
  • After talking to my social worker at the county clinic today he highly suggested I get in to see a counselor at the mental health clinic. As much as I hate the idea, I called. Sadly there is a 5 week wait for an appointment. They suggested that I come in Monday morning and wait for a no show. That should be a long day. Guess we'll see what happens.

    I haven't been sleeping well at all lately and when I do I have vivid nightmares. Today I laid down after all my phone calls and had a doozy. This one was so vivid (though not really scary) that it took me nearly an hour to convince myself I was actually awake even after I hobbled out of bed. Never had that happen before. I actually had to walk outside and touch my trees to prove to myself I was really awake. It was the weirdest feeling ever. And I was only asleep for an hour it turns out. Not cool.

    I'm only on 10mg Amitriptyline (down from 25mg) and 500mg salsalate so it surely wasn't from the meds. I've always been a vivid dreamer and sleepwalker when I was a kid but nothing like this. I swore I was wide awake and actually poked myself in the eye in my sleep because I thought I was awake and was trying to keep my eyes open. It was uber-weird. They usually end with me getting stabbed in the back by something/someone (likely the back pain letting me know it's time to move)...this was rather peaceful but there was a dog that kept jumping up on my bed (thankfully a very nice dog) but a breed I'd never owned so I KNEW I was sleeping. Then I thought I was awake and the dog would jump back up on my bed. My mom was in it too (she often visits in dreams, but never talks to me) so that was a clue too. Just so bizarre I really thought I was going nuts.

    Anyway, I'll let you know if I get to see anyone Monday. All this lack of sleep is really playing tricks on my mind now so I'm glad I made the call now I guess.


    ETA: No idea why my Internet/phone is still on today, but I'm very happy, lol. Hopefully I got lost in some shuffle since the company is merging.
  • Glad that you made the call to see a counselor, hopefully on Monday they don't make you wait too long.

    Great that you were having a decent day the other day, and very happy that your internet is still on, and you are able to get on here and chat with us.

    Please let us know how it goes on Monday. I will be wishing only sweet dreams for you when you sleep.

    >:D< Karen
    >:D< >:-D< : Karen
    L3-S1 herniation and bulges, stenosis, mod facet,ddd,impinged nerves,coccydinia
    discectomy/lami July 2011-unsuccessful
    adr L5-S1 Feb 2012
  • I actually got in to see a counselor today... I must look like death warmed over cause they got me RIGHT in. Not sure if that's a good thing, lol.

    She was nice, very nice actually. I was hesitant when they said it would be a woman because I'm not good at speaking with women usually, but she seems okay. Not sure what/how any of this works though. She listened to my sad story and appeared caring and all, but it's just not really my thing to vocalize much. She set up 2 more appointments and wants to see me twice a month now. I don't know if it will help, other than getting out of the house more. I guess that's a good thing.

    I told her my big issue right now is with the nightmares and vivid dreams. I seriously don't know when/if I'm really awake sometimes now for nearly an hour after I'm up. The dreams are so real they meld into real life. Maybe that's just because I don't have much of a life in reality. She gave me no suggestions though. That bugs me a lot. No info at all. Just listened then time to go (and set up the next 2 appointments).

    I don't know what I wanted or expected. I need to get these wild swings under control though. One minute I'm applying for online classes, the next I can't stop crying. Blah. Hopefully it will get better soon and I can get back to some sort of decent sleep/eating patterns.

    At least I got to spend this weekend with Sheba (the wonder Shepherd) and my Internet is still on! Shhhhhh, don't tell, lol. Their merger must be slowing down the disconnects or something. I won't argue!

    So that was my day, how are you all doing?
  • That's great you got in to see the Counselor. Maybe today was like an introduction. I don't know if you have a laptop but we have free wi-fi at mcdonalds restaurant if you lose your internet connection that may be an option if you do have one. Check around for some cheaper internet connections maybe? I hope you're still connected with us.

    I know when I had an online counselor she had me do little exercises like make a plan for the day even to get out if physically possible just to get to the store or walk a little even to the library if you lose the internet. I know you will walk when you have the dog for the weekend though. Maybe leaving a light on or the TV will help when you sleep at night? I know if I watch violent movies I have terrible dreams.

    I didn't sleep too well last night so I may stay in today and it will be the first day I've stayed in since I moved a few weeks ago so it's not so bad.

    I do hope your sleep gets better and you don't have such vivid dreams. I have to go for a sleep study due to exhaustion and to make sure my breathing is okay when I'm sleeping.

    I'm ready for a nap right now. I guess the heat doesn't help the get up and go does it? Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • I don't have a laptop now. I really wish I did so I could move around more and possibly get some work done. I haven't written an article in a couple of weeks now and that's the income issue. My brain is so scattered I just can't seem to concentrate. The last one I wrote was so simple, and they did accept it and publish it, but then I went and looked and could not believe the silly errors I had in it. I don't want to risk losing my privileges to write for Yahoo news and other sites because I can't string together 2 coherent sentences on political stuff.

    You are so right about the heat wiping you out! Thankfully it's finally cooled down here in Iowa, but it's still stifling with the humidity so high all the time. That's what makes my bones in my back/neck just ache constantly. I really need to get out of this state. I'm hoping for a move to Colorado some time. Just have to wait out this SSD stuff first. Right now I spend part of my time online looking at all the CL ads in that area, lol. Keeping hope alive! There are a lot of people looking for roommates (which would help a lot I think) and the rent is so much cheaper there too.

    I hesitate to sleep during the day because that seems to be the hardest time to tell if I'm really awake or not. Weird, I know. I do sleep with the TV on though. Usually pop in a video of SVU or The Office to dose off. Last night was a tape (yep, still on VHS, lol) of How I Met Your Mother and they were ALL in my dream with me. That was not a terrible one, just very vivid and hard to know when I'm really awake. I tend to sleep walk again (did as a teen) and I know I did last night because I had on a different T-shirt this morning. Man, I'm weird, lol.

    Have a good rest! Sheba just went home so I'm going to attempt to vacuum.
  • Been thinking of you today, and glad that you were able to get in to see a counselor. Like Charry said, since it was the first appointment, they probably just wanted you to talk away and see how you are doing and which issues they can help you with.

    Great excuse to get out as well, those two days a month. Hopefully once you get to know her better, you will feel more comfortable, and she will be able to give you some ideas to help.

    Before you go to bed, I find it helps to try to relax, sometimes read a light hearted novel and think of a good moment from that day. Do you have any nice relaxing music that you could maybe leave on quietly while you sleep. The library is good for that as well, usually you can sign out cd's or dvd's. While you are there you can get online and talk with us :D

    Glad that you still have your internet, and that you enjoyed your weekend with Sheba.

    >:D< Karen
    >:D< >:-D< : Karen
    L3-S1 herniation and bulges, stenosis, mod facet,ddd,impinged nerves,coccydinia
    discectomy/lami July 2011-unsuccessful
    adr L5-S1 Feb 2012
  • Hi Karen, I forgot you can get music from the library. I wish I lived closer to it since I only get one misc. trip on the bus per month. That sort of rules out checking out stuff I think.

    I called my social worker at the county hospital (the one who referred me to the mental health counselor) and he suggested I get started on paperwork to move into some buildings for the disabled downtown. He suggested it mostly for the location being close to the library. My only problem with it is that it's a 62 or older facility or for mobility impaired and I still have trouble accepting the fact that I'm that impaired. Even if I am, lol. I do need to do something like that though if I'm to stay here in this state much longer. Stairs are nearly impossible now and those 2 buildings downtown are the only ones that allow younger people to move in. I just want to move to CO so bad and 2 moves seem like SO much work.

    The social worker also gave me a big list of charities to call since I have the house for at least several more months. He suggested I ask for monetary assistance, but that's so hard to do. Maybe if I volunteer what little I can do it won't be so bad though. I don't know. I'm so up and down right now mentally I need to settle down...and fly right (as my mom would say).

    Thanks again for checking on me and all the helpful suggestions! I did just get an auto phone call from the "new" merged phone co. that asked me if I'd like to pay now or hit the #3 button to have them call back in a few days. I never hit a button so fast, lol! Hopefully I'll get something figured out first.

    Keep on hoping!
  • HI,
    Sorry we didn't hook up on chat yesterday...my computer is acting up again..first it works, then it doesn't - gotta love that technology!
    Glad you got in to see the counselor...that's a step in the right direction. And the housing idea is a really good one! I used to work with disabled folks (and now I'm one too) and some of those places work out just fine... help when you need it, and always people around, so it really helps the isolation thing we all experience.. A friend, Larry, can only move his right hand,,,is in a power chair that does everything but make coffee, and he loves where he lives now! He has friends all over the building, and is so much happier than he was in his own apartment in a regular complex. Just thought I'd share that...
    The vivid dream thing is something I experienced after the last fusion surgery.. I hit my hubby during a dream, took of my collar, and one night changed my nightgown... I stopped all meds for 4 days, and it went away...think it was from all the meds in the hospital...my brain was on overload! But you don't mention meds, so it's probably not that, but geez, it sure was freaky when that was happening..I'm awake, no I'm asleep...couldn't tell for awhile - scary! So good luck with quieting that problem down...you need some decent sleep!
    Hope you feel better today, and that your thoughts are more organized...I'll be thinking of you and sending you positive vibes!
  • Sorry to here you puter is acting up. That stinks! I did get on chat for a bit last night, missed ya!

    Today is not so good since I did so much walking yesterday at the hospital and was likely a bit tense during my appointment (understatement of the year, lol). Today feels like the bus ran me over. I did sleep without dreaming though! Of course that may have been due to getting up at 6am to go and not getting to sleep before 3am this morning. I still managed to wake up nearly every hour on the hour, but at least I KNEW I was awake, lol. Better than nothing.

    The moving thing...I just wish I could move one time to Colorado and be done with it is all. I'm really hoping (against my better judgment) that I'll be able to wait out the SSD decision before I have to actually move. Then I can just make the one move out of state.

    Today seems like another wasted day though. No energy and all bones hurt so I've been pacing/laying down in intervals just to get through. Hopefully I'll feel a little better tonight.

    Hope you are feeling good today, and having a good one! Maybe we can get on chat later if your computer is working right. I had trouble with getting on the site yesterday, but it seems to be a problem with Chrome. Still won't let me get on here through that browser today. I may try to reload Chrome later when I have a little more energy.

    Have a good afternoon :)
  • I have been in chronic pain for just under 2 years and know exactly what you mean about "friends". My best girlfriends no longer call me. Last week I emailed them about my current situation and no one replied. I told my husband last night about what had transpired. I must have cried twice yesterday over this lose, but my husband and my 2 children keep me going.

    Christine, you can always come to this site to converse with others who understand. Wishing you more good days to come! :)
    2011 ACDF C5-6 for Spondylosis with Myleopathy
    2012 L4-5 herniated disc and hernated disc at C4/5 2013 Taking Amitriptyline for headaches
  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 5,427
    So much of your situation sounds like you've listened in on my life.
    The disappearing friends, family, support. The pain and sleepless night.

    My lack of sleep was crazy making. Some friends didn't even believe me..so the aloneness continues.
    But my doc did a sleep study and discovered.. something about movement while I sleep, I don't really understand since I don't thnk I move during sleep. Guess it has to do with the nerves.

    He gave me med..it like treats parkinsons also... so sleep improved. Over time med needed to be increased..but helps most nights.

    During the study, I learned that some lack of sleep disorders can cause hallucinatios..auditory and visual. I was so relieved as I had experienced both.

    The meds have helped and the hallucinations are gone. Yay

    It's a full time job to take care of myself and it sounds that way for you also. And your moving and working on your SSI..it's a lot on your plate.

    I tell myself as I tell you..if it makes any sense.. but you are not your disease. You are not your pain. You are not your sleep deprived nerve racking dreams.

    And you don't need to do anything. You have worth just by being. You have already encouraged me.
    Sometimes I think maybe our situation lived out may help others with patience..or to be grateful for their functioning lives.

    I don't know how it all fits together, but just taking care of yourself and sharing yourself..it will help others.

    Thanks for listening. My depression causes me to go on. But this site has been so kind and understanding to me. It seems you are receiveing the same comfort.
    Do take care.. and keep in touch

    Spine-Health Moderator
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

  • I been dealing with pain for a very long time. And the hardest thing was always slowing down the thought process. Meaning my brain always wanted me to do what i use to do which was not posible any more and made things very depressing. I had big plans in my life that i cant even come close to ever reaching.

    Only way i learned to deal with these issues is simply having to slow down and take it day by day and try to get outside the home as often as posible and meet anyone outside the home as often as posible. This is a must to keep some level of mental health otherwise the pain and frustration just simply consumes you.

    I read your posts and all i can sugest is dont think about the move to colorodo at this time and simply lay it all out to the councler and use that tool to let them give you advise on making the connection with either church groups for help and whatever help is offered. All this should help get your mind in the right track and help mentaly while ssdi is in the works.

    We all need outside connections in the real world of any sort other then the internet no mater how hard it might be. I had a friend who simply was admited in the hospital after many meds had many side affects that was causing more issues and after dr,s found the right level of medications to control the pain is only when he got on the rignt track.

    So if needed dont be afraid to seek help that way especialy if you have so many dark thoughts. Main thing is get pain under control then its easier to over come the depression part . Most of us dont like what we have become having to live in chronic pain but we have to overcome it and not need to have others aproval as that seems to be the key thing most are driven to depression in my view.

    Only once we can put our childhood behind us and all the bad feeling from such things that might have hapened from the past then only we can move foreward with who we realy are and how we decide to control our situations and make the right decisions for us not for what others think we should do and we dont any longer care what they think.

    If that makes any sense. Thats the only way i learned to cope with life as it is. I hope you can get help with councler and sort things out . And i heard some church groups can offer a lot of suport and help. It cant hurt and just might be a way to make new friends also who knows.

    This site is great but it will never replace outside sources we all need. Best wishes and please do 1 step at a time dont put too much on your plate and it will all come together for you i am sure of it. Best wishes. Ps. Stop slaping the chit out of the bus driver. Git-ir-done
    Flexicore ADR 2004 resulting nerve damage l4l5 Fusion 2006 same level, 2009 hardware removal with lami !
    2012 scs implant ,
  • You are not alone. I am hurting too much in too many ways to comment, but I know exactly where you are.
  • I am new to this forum. Unfortunately, I share many of your thoughts and issues. It is just heartbreaking to see how much suffering goes on and how easy it is for family, friends and Dr's to turn a blind eye. I recently had to reach out for help. I am so grateful that I found the help needed at the time. One thing I learned is that every state has an office to contact in case of homelessness. I think that you must qualify for SSDI. It does not cover everything and you will have to pick up a Medicare plan. If you do that, call whichever Plan you go with and Medicare. Find out what kind of Case Management they have or if they can refer you. I would also contact the Housing Authority wherever you want to live and ask them to send an emergency application. Sometimes they can help with moving costs. Last, I was browsing the Internet and found a site called Safelink. Anyone who is a senior or disabled qualifies for a free cell phone in case of emergency. I even got one for my mom. I get 240 free minutes every month. Would it be possible to get just an Internet connection instead of television cable? I wish I could help more. I am seeing a surgeon Monday for my 4th back surgery. It just really sucks. I know how it feels to want to stop living and feeling inconsolable but eventually this will pass too. Keep your chin up.
  • MetalneckMetalneck Island of Misfit toysPosts: 1,364
    Ameritech in my area has a $14.95 a month DSL service-That and a Majick Jack at $1.60 a month gives me internet and unlimited Voice over internet to anywhere in the US and Canada. Not a bad package for $16+ a month.

    Typical voice at $50 - $60 a month is just outrageous yet so many have been paying that for decades .... DSL service only on a ex-voice line is called dry loop DSL .... something to consider??

    Majick Jack plugs into a USB port on your computer and your standard phone line plugs into that.

    Hope things will slowly continue to get better ... seems like your going in the right direction ... little steps at a time.

    Warmest Regards,

    Spine-health Moderator
    Welcome to Spine-Health  Please read the linked guidelines!!

  • Hello I am sorry you are having such a hard time, I to have been having a hard time and find that this website helps so much, everyone relates to eachother. Everyone has been there or knows someone who has.Your friends werent your friends if they are not there for you, so they have moved on so you can find new true friends. I am lucky I have friends, not many but the ones I have and keep have been around forever .... they are true friends. I have a large family who would do anything for me yet I isolate myself... I do, it is how I deal with things I guess... we have all had your thoughts and your feelings and I guess what we need to do is find the best way that works for us to make things livable and functional... Suicide is not the answer because your here for a reason you wont know what it is , but maybe just maybe you posted your post and helped someone on here... we all have meaning.. sometimes it is not easy to see what the heck it is, but it is there... keep that in mind with everything you have done and gone through in your life how many people could you help... could you prevent from doing something stupid...

    It is sad that pain and life puts us in the positions we are in, feeling the way we do, but there is a reason and I myself will live miserable to find it and finally say oh man that was it... or I helped them.. you can email me or private message me anytime I am always available to talk and always need someone to talk to myself. A therapist is ideal , but friends are good to and I am here to be your friend
  • Just checking in with you to see how you are doing. Have been thinking about you alot, haven't seen you on here. Hope you are doing well and are able to get to the library to get on here to chat with us.

    Dave had a great idea for your internet and majic jack. Would that be a possibility for you?

    Anyway, just wanted to send you a quick hug >:D< and let you know that we are here for you.

    >:D< Karen
    >:D< >:-D< : Karen
    L3-S1 herniation and bulges, stenosis, mod facet,ddd,impinged nerves,coccydinia
    discectomy/lami July 2011-unsuccessful
    adr L5-S1 Feb 2012
  • Hi there was thinking about you alot this weekend... I hope you are feeling better and if you need anything please message me. Not sure what I can do but if we are all here for eachother it makes us each that much more stronger... :)
  • Hope all is going well! I think Metalneck gave a great option for internet/phone, something to consider? Then we can all keep in touch with you! Let us know how you are!
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
  • Just wondering how you're doing? I know there's sometimes free internet for some companies for 3 months so don't know if you can check into that? Or do a search for free internet. Hope you're doing well. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
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