Hi, I've not been a member here long, but I've been reading a lot. My depression issues are not unlike most others. My biggest issue is being isolated. I'm getting so many dark thoughts and days now it's getting harder and harder to keep on with just ...well, anything.
I live alone and always have. I have no friends left, though I was very active in my past life (pre-back problems). I was a dog groomer and bartender for many years. I've always worked with dogs as my main job. They are so accepting and non-judgmental. Sadly I just had to give up my last dog to a great home as I can no longer walk her (she is a German Shepherd and would get really down without a daily long walk.)I did it as long as I could, but my gait is so slow now it was hurting her to walk slowly with me. She's so happy now in her new home. That part makes me happy for her...and very sad for me.
I've told my docs about the depression and even that I think about the end constantly. It consumes my day, every day. I am agnostic with a great fear of God. I have no family, though I was born into a large one. I was the booty call that was not suppose to happen and was reminded of that every time there was a gathering that my mom made me go to. I have many half brothers and sisters and one full brother...all act as if I crowded into their family on purpose. None ever call me and all live within a few miles of me. My brother took me to my last SSI/DI hearing in March and that was a silent ride to and from and the last time I heard from him.
I've not been able to work, except from home online, for the last 2+ years. All the friends I'd made are gone. No one calls. My last friend I spoke to was in April when I was turned down for SSI/DI after the hearing. She said, "Great, I guess I'll have to support you until I retire now *sigh*" That was the last time I spoke to her.
While finishing myself off consumes my mind daily, it's always from a practical standpoint. If you are worthless, why are you sticking around? My last visit to my pain doc gave me Zanaflex which actually made me desperate to die. I have never had such a feeling and it was constant. I was so angry at myself for not being able to do it I was beside myself. I told my doc about it last Thursday at follow up and he laughed (actually laughed) and said, "Guess that didn't work, huh?" Then suggested I try Suboxone. I said no. I'm allergic to all opiates and he wants to guinea pig me on different meds. I won't be his guinea pig anymore. I have enough problems.
My only line of communication has been the Internet and it has literally saved my life for the last 2 years. Sadly, I lose my landline phone service and Internet next Thursday. They want money. I understand. I just don't have any. The same day I got the disconnect warning, I also got a notice to cure my home loan. They want tens of thousands of dollars by the end of next week. Not going to happen, obviously.
I emailed my attorney to let her know that I'm now completely destitute. She refiled my case, but was in no hurry to get a hearing. She now understands how desperate I am...and that she won't get any money if I'm not around, so she called SSI and they are trying to get moving on the case. At this point I really don't care anymore.
I do qualify for low income housing, but can't make the deposit or pass the credit checks and the neighborhoods are so scary I would fear that appearing lame and alone would make me a perfect target for someone.
I've lost so much weight now I don't have clothes that fit. I'm down to low 130's and at 5'9 that's pretty skinny, but I'm just not hungry. I've told my GP at the county clinic who just says, "you've got a bad back, go see the pain doc."
I guess I just want control of something. I've lived my whole life just to spite my family and I'm getting so tired. Sorry for the long rant. I just needed to vent a little. Most of my days are spent crying and seriously, what's the point in that? Anyway, thanks for listening. Sorry to be such a crab/whiny baby. Thanks in advance for any suggestions to get out of this now permanent funk.