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My turn to be a bit Upset, Unhappy..but happy? Yeah weird....

Aviatrix36440Aviatrix36440 Posts: 5,904
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:56 AM in Back Surgery and Neck Surgery
As (actually tearing here...not my normal)I am facing several "surgeries" together for those that understand us spiney...."add ons..." My C6/7 fusion became (to which I was ignored by my surgeon) what is called a "pseudoarthrosis" eg - fusion made into a "false joint". Okay, I can/could deal with that...my bad is that this "pseudo" dude that my surgeon ignored...caused many levels (5-6) to fail in my neck and upper thoracic spine.

Thanks to that, I have to be "revised" C5-7 and due to the instability... they have to add (might add C3/4 when he gets in there)...game plan, C4-T2. Laminectomy for the C4-T1 to free my nerves up (many of which might be calcified). Extending to T2 to lock it all down....

Okay, the "happy" part of me... The imaging, my exam validated what *I* internally knew. I have now quit smoking (a surgeon, and insurance requirement for surgery over 3 levels...yummy) and too honestly, I've in the last year told "me" sorry, you need to quit...

Okay... the meat and mess.... I was a competitive gymnast for 11 years - yes I was an Olympic potential, but due to an accident (couldn't over come...fubar'd), then military, and then I crashed a helicopter - that by all accounts should have done me in (paralyze...loss of career...my body didn't agree "then?") Hence why MOST times I am pretty darn (sniffing again damn it.....) positive with my mess.

Not counting my lumbar issues (forget thoracic - even *I* am NOT interested in surgical there....)my flipping neck is yep... once again in the lead for attention - am I surprised, no not really - but part of me (crying again damn it....almost need to toss) [sorry] am wondering what is going to be the result (final) after [5 levels planed... could go *crying thinking about it* 6 levels?!?!?!] Smoking or not history, "Whats the bloody odds???"

I need to close this post out.... Ron, Tamtam, MetalNeck, Brenda Cannon, "C", Sleepgirl, Alexhurting, Watergirl, Charlottes Web, etc... Thank you soooooo much, as you know (damn....sniffing AGAIN), this is NOT my normal, but the you know what...is kind of hitting...and I am trying to just relay concern...but emotions are kicking in a bit.

Dunno, a part of me (just re-read my post) wants to toss this new thread...but others of you that I hold in great trust and esteem, know I am here (like many) for me, but MORE so for others with their fears and issues.... I suck right now, sorry.. I guess I am just letting more emotion in that I should...*maybe??* Anyhoooooss....thanks for listening ya'll. Big Thank you *HUGZ* if just to read my *sniff*... rant...boohoo? Dankie!!!! Sorry, not my norm... Thanks again for listening to my ....rant. :) *HUGZ* all!!!


PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.


  • As I know you would say "Good for you woman!" You are always here for us, you are entitled to have a good cry (or sniff) and let it all out.

    You are going through alot right now and will be going through alot in the next few weeks with surgery. You have quit smoking =D> and are doing everything right to help make this surgery successful. I am still trying to quit (was suppossed to be Monday, but am still reading book)

    You are always on here supporting us, giving us great advise. Please let us be here for you now. I have a shoulder here with your name on it, whenever you want to get anything out and off your chest.

    As you go through your next surgery, you will have the biggest cheering squad here, cheering you on every step of the way =D>

    It does us all good to have a good cry once and a while ( I know that I have had a few as of late)

    >:D< >:D< >:D< coming your way!

    >:D< Karen
    >:D< >:-D< : Karen
    L3-S1 herniation and bulges, stenosis, mod facet,ddd,impinged nerves,coccydinia
    discectomy/lami July 2011-unsuccessful
    adr L5-S1 Feb 2012
  • Good morning Brenda. Sorry you are overwhelmed with so much worry. Its 6 am here by me so not sure what time it is your time. You are 1 hour ahead of us i think or behind. I cant remember now still waking up here.

    Either way i hope you was able to get some sleep because i know how out of control pain can get not geting any sleep.

    I am almost a litle weary about responding because of our last missunderstanding.
    I am often either joking because i dont like to deal with the stress these spine issues bring about. Or i am more direct in my responces then some people to help me cut to the root of the issues at times.

    Any how. Only thing a can recomend is as hard as it is you cant over worry about future surgery 24/7. It consumes a person and just makes things so much worse. Been there done that. Especialy if i am not able to sleep and pain keeps me up then as many other here i am sure it just puts us over the edge.

    I even found while i was reading more and more about finding the answer to my pain just made it more frustraring. You have to at some point put it in the hands of a dr you know you trust and he is already aware with your situation and give in to the fact they have the know how on what needs to be done.

    I believe in taking part of being our own advicate but to what degree we can extend that to help us i am not realy sure. Sometimes it helps to just take a step back and look at things .

    I have many times taken a break away from the dr,s just because it was geting to me and i needed a break from it all together so i can put things in to prespective.

    Talking about this pain issues helps sometimes here but also can have a negative affect on us when its day in day out talking about our pain. This is one of the main reasons i realised the more i talked about my condition the more it was sucking me in to not being able to get it out of my mind.

    I had to turn to being able to joke about it because any one of us would slip in to deep depression with pain can become consuming. If i could not laugh at myself and take the stress off i would of been in deep depression years ago.

    Ok i stop here before i piss someone off again. Lol. Hope things get beter for you soon.
    Flexicore ADR 2004 resulting nerve damage l4l5 Fusion 2006 same level, 2009 hardware removal with lami !
    2012 scs implant ,
  • Yes, even the "up" peeps can get down when thinking about their problems and it seems obvious that you need to get some stuff out of your system, thus the crying.

    We let it all built up sometimes and then it comes crashing down...and hard. You're very strong, but having to have a good cry and vent doesn't mean you're not strong, it just means you're human.

    Add to all you're going through the not smoking to help calm you and you've got the perfect recipe for being down and out for a bit.

    Just thank goodness you have all of us here to listen, talk and vent to.

    It can get so overwhelming and let it be if it comes. Give it a good cry, bawling even, if necessary then you'll feel better. What you're going through is very scary and can be a very lonely business as well - who else knows how you feel? We're as close as it comes, so I'm glad you posted.

    There's no such thing as too much emotion when it comes to what we're going through. Like I said, let 'er rip, it should be a bit cathartic and calm you down letting it all out. Holding it in is the dangerous part.

    With gentle hugs,
  • Hey Brenda,

    You really don't need to appologise to any of us. You are going through such a lot. It would be a miracle if you didn't feel the need to have a cry. Crying should help because it releases chemicals into your system that make you feel better - I read that somewhere, honest.

    It also helps to have a rant and write things down because then you can really see what you are worried about. Sometimes all these feelings and worries etc just turn into a massive tangle inside and it isn't till you start writing them that you can actually start to deal with them. Sometimes being strong isn't the right thing to do.

    You have done so well quitting smoking and in getting a doc to listen to you. Be proud of yourself and feel free to moan on here just as much as you like.

    I wish you good luck and continued strength.


  • Nothing to apologize for Brenda.

    There will be a lot of us praying for a successful outcome and a speedy recovery.

    View my history for all the gory details.

  • If you need to let some of that emotion out, tears are the best way to do it. (Better than hitting your husband!! ~X( )

    It is not at all surprising that you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed. You have a 'biggie' to face as far as surgery is concerned, and things have got pretty serious.


    You have all of us cheering you on, and we will be here for the duration :O)

    You have an amazing surgeon who is prepared to take you on to help you. He feels confident, so you should too.

    You have managed to stop smoking, so you will have the best chance possible to fuse this time.

    You have even managed to lose some weight, and that will help too.

    You are an exceptionally strong woman, and you can do this recovery (with a little help from your husband and your friends here :H )

    You don't really have an option, your neck must be stabilised to keep you safe.

    I hope that expressing your vulnerable and anxious emotions has helped you to get back on track.

    We are here any time for you to let out some of the stress and worry :SS

    >:D< >:D< >:D<

  • There might not be crying in baseball". But pain surely is a good reason to have a good cry for sure. We all been there. Sadly more then we would like.
    Flexicore ADR 2004 resulting nerve damage l4l5 Fusion 2006 same level, 2009 hardware removal with lami !
    2012 scs implant ,
  • When I get to the point of being overwhelmed I focus on one thing and it helps me relax. That thing is the moment in the OR Prep when the anesthesiologist says "now I'm going to give you something to make you a bit more comfortable" and that magic juice flows through the IV into my veins and makes me feel better than I have in recent memory. Then I know that all will be alright and I will wake up to begin a new chapter in my book of life.

  • Hey Brenda,

    Hang in there, girl.....I am so proud of you for quitting smoking, I'm sure that's not easy!

    I certainly understand where you are coming from having my surgeries.......had to change careers, etc.

    I hope after this is all done, you gain the much needed relief that you so deserve! :-)

    Gentle HUGS!

  • It's only natural to feel the way you are feeling. Don't feel bad for leaning on us for support...that's what the forums are here for. So cry if you need to cry; scream if you need to scream; do whatever you need to do...we will be here to listen.

    Great job on quitting smoking! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you prepare to undergo this surgery. I can imagine you have a lot of emotions going through you all at the same time. Hang in there, though!
  • now ms. brenda,
    you and I have had some very late nite chats and you always state your issues and i never seen you really not joking about the way your life has ended up.
    so you are so so in need of a good rant,cry,vent whatever you want you do it lady.
    Sorry to hear you have to go back again and have so much done...so you will be not in ur pool for awhile and the traveling will be in hold..
    but lady after the things you have been thru via job and other things its a miracle you are still here on this earth.
    and if doing this surgery will keep you here and walking a bit longer on this earth well shoot you can get thru it...and we are all here for you..
    I know you will have a program on your computer (if you dont already)that voice types for you...i know i know will bug you not to get every punctuation just so,and yes they often have spelling errors.but you will be able to come in and chat with us all the time..
    truly your in my thoughts n prayers
    and just set it up and get it done..don't over think it to much i"m sure you have had few different opinions.
    let me know whatevers good time to chat and i'll meet you in chat room okay
    gentle gentle hugs hugs hugs
    neck,bone spurs pain started 04, back issues and fusion l4,l5 06~hardware removed.
    good few yrs. 09 pain sharp, numbness feet,legs, diagnosed fibro, neurop. legs.lung issues.
    daily goal do good thing for someone.
  • You've got to be going thru a process right, just like the grieving process. You need to get to that acceptance stage, and being upset and emotional is just part of "getting there". Not to mention all the changes that your body must be going thru to detox your itself from the chemicals in a cigarette.

    There is nothing about this that is easy, or going to be easy and apprehension is a powerful thing. The good news is that it sounds like you could not be in better hands. Your surgeon seems so thorough and a good man. I would say your connection with him is meant to be.

    You are one strong woman...you can do this!

  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,856
    that I logged on to Spine-Health.

    I am sorry that you are going through this right now.
    Yeh, I am sure there are more than just a few tears about this point. But please, you know us here and we know you, do not worry about you expressing yourself or letting us know how you are doing.

    We all just hope that things work out for you..

    And for a change, my HUGS to you!
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • Hugs to Brenda,

    I am so sorry! Life sucks some times. It really does. Hopefully things will get better and you will find your self feeling stronger, healthier, & happier in no time.

    Try to stay positive- I know how hard it is. I haven't told any one about my next surgery yet. This place is the only place I can bring myself to talk about it.

  • jlrfryejjlrfrye ohioPosts: 1,110
    Im am so sorry you are going thru this right now. Big hug!!!!!! I know the feelings you are having right now, why me? and will this ever end.You are a very strong woman and have handled your situation in a very positive way so you are allowed to have your moment so to say, hell who wouldnt? Brenda if it helps any I was also a failed fusion on the neck for 4 surgeries, the fifth finally fixed it and I am solidly fused. Have faith that this will work for you.I am sending lots of prayers your way for a huge success with this surgery and if you ever need someone to talk to you always remember there are many members here that will be here for you, including me,
  • Please do cry when you need to! All that built up frustration and anger needs to have an outlet and we are always here for you. Most of us can relate to your multitude of feelings.

    Quitting smoking is quite an achievement! We will all be cheering you on and wishing you a successful revision in October!!! Many hugs!!! >:D< >:D< >:D<
    2011 ACDF C5-6 for Spondylosis with Myleopathy
    2012 L4-5 herniated disc and hernated disc at C4/5 2013 Taking Amitriptyline for headaches

  • and hoping that after your vent of emotion and anxiety, you are feeling stronger and more hopeful for the future.

    You have lots of friends here who care about you and will support you through all of this. Sharing how you feel and being 'real' with yourself and us here, enables you to protect your family and loved ones a bit from what you are really going through. The strength you get from venting your feelings is important to being able to face all of this.

    There are a lot of us here, who use the friendly and understanding members of Spine Health as our supportive 'ears'. We can vent our emotion and then feel stronger to carry on. Many of us feel that our families get 'tired' of hearing about our spine issues. Others on Spine Health, who truly understand the way that it takes over our lives and thoughts, are happy to listen when we need to vent.

    >:D< >:D< >:D<

  • Brenda,
    You were one of the first people on here to welcome a very FREAKED OUT NEWBIE that was going into Cervical Surgery....I appreciate that you are here for us...to calm us...to encourage us...and to just listen to us...
    Who else better to cry to than to us...WE KNOW what you are feeling....let it out...the tension inside just makes you tense and you hurt more...sorry little nurse coming out there....Hang in there do what ya gotta do and sniffle...cry...rant...rave...boo~hoo...
    all you want....at the same time...I'll always be here to listen to you and be YOUR cheerleader...take care and keep us posted!!!!
    Gentle Hugs....
  • In 1983 I felt overwhelmed at the prospect of a C5-6 fusion, but six levels...whoa!! You're strong, but as everyone else has said in this thread, don't be too strong. In other words, it's okay to vent - in fact, for us spineys posting on this Board is better therapy than countless hours with a shrink. Cry whenever you feel the need to, and don't forget, no matter how big or small your Board buddies are, the shoulders of each and every one of us are HUGE, so there's lots of space for you to cry on.

    Another thing that might help during those weeks of waiting for the surgery is to try to do some nice things for yourself - take long bubble baths, play whatever music relaxes you, etc.

    Congrats on quitting smoking! :-C
    >:D< Love, Ess
  • Just wanted to say we're here to support you through this. You will get through it. I wish there was a cheerleader emoticon because I would use it. Come the time or the time approaching surgery it's normal to feel like this. However if need be you may want something to help you relax or sleep as time is leading up to your surgery so let your Dr. know.

    I haven't had surgery yet but I can feel you through your words and it's okay to vent and we're here to validate what you're going through. I'm sending up a prayer for you as others are as well as positive thoughts. >:D< Charry

    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • Thanks so much. I just I guess hit a mental wall, and needed to get it out. Most times I have my "grrrrr" moments, and then I am good. I guess between my ciggies being more and more a 'memory' (hehee), seeing a lot coming up soon, kind of bullied up on me! (G)

    Instead *snicker* I should be naked in the streets drinking the best bubbly in celebration that "finally" answers, and hopefully unless something goes askew, getting closer to resolution once my surgeon does his part. :) AAahhhhh.... gotta love it, eh?

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • *HUGZ* to ya darlin!! Misunderstanding is just that. We've been site friends for too long for me to hold anything against you, and too you have shown me similar latitude in patience and understanding. :)

    I so agree, it is hard when the brain cells sneak off and let in the "oh crap, what if this surgery fails", thoughts. Pays hell on patience, that's for sure!!

    Like you, I try to keep a sense of humor, but every once in a while, the brain takes over and takes us down for a while. Sigh... I too have found as you mentioned, when our sleep gets all screwed up, the negatives try to slide in more. My 2 hour nap today turned into 6, so I just went with it. Thanks again Alex, you're good peeps!

    I smile as I watch you pole dancing.. :)

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Howdy woman!! Thanks so much. I know you've had your share of spiney mess, so your words mean a lot to me, thanks again! :)

    I tend to "minimize" and push "my stuff" to the back burner. My hubby hates that I do that. (G) But every once in a while I let it all out (hence this thread), and yes after a bit, like a good hard cry, whew...you feel so much better!! Then of course too, I have my fuzzy little fur kids that purr so well!

    Our fur kids, unlike humans.. they can tell when we are happy, sad, hurting etc., and all they want is petting and cuddles... We can even tell the the same complaint over and over, and they don't care except to snuggle and purr! (G)

    I'm gonna try and reply to a few more supports to me, but otherwise about to sneak back to my bed...:) Thanks again Cath!! *HUGZ*

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Helen,

    I pretty much used today to kick back, nap, rest...be a blob!! It was kind of good being a blob actually! I've had weird "ciggie" cravings today, but I know like 90% of their affects are out of my system, I reminded myself of that...and pushed the urges away. Not even sure why those urges are like that today since they haven't been that strong since my quit day...

    I see my GP Tuesday to update my scripts, and too for me to update her on this next surgery. I try to keep her in the loop whenever I see any other doctor so she keeps the "full" picture of what is going on. She has also been very straight up with me, and supportive - two way street (patient/doctor/doctor/patient).

    Humm..maybe I'll take the hubby out to din-din tomorrow. Hehehee...I haven't surprised him lately, yeah....yeah... why not right? (G)

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • RatSquad said:
    Nothing to apologize for Brenda.

    There will be a lot of us praying for a successful outcome and a speedy recovery.

    Thanks so much Curt!!! Appreciate! :) Stay safe my brother!!

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Howdy Ms. Jellyhall!!

    My hubby gets after me for "not" taking mental breaks (cry) as needed, but I instead hold things in - drives him nuts! (G) I told him that was a short trip, but of course we then stick our tongues out at each other. Hehehe...

    Jelly, you've been a great PM "quit buddy" for me. For a non smoker, you have been supportive, motivating and a dear friend. I've had friends who "never" smoked and are not what I call "positive types" when it comes to smoking, the issues, and the struggles to quit. Instead to many of them, there is no reason for someone not to quit.. When physical, physiological and of course still legal and accepted...hard to stop said activity until the smoker is ready to quit.

    Not a big champagne type, but after I have my first post op, might have the hubby get a small bottle, toss er in the frig... and the day I get "you are fused", pop the cork and do the hoowwaaaa dance and a celebratory toast towards my surgeon! (G)

    I just need to follow the advice I give others... "Stay positive, relax, let the tears come etc." :)

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Smiling....smiling because I can so relate to what you posted! My last 2 surgeries, had the same Anesthesiologist and (snicker) he pretty much said the same thing, and zing... lights out! (G) I think they get a list of "play cards" in medical school! Lol!!!

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • *HUGZ* Thanks so much Charlie!! Before this last (3rd) surgical consult, I "warned" the hubby I may be quitting based on what I hear. He raised his eyebrows, and then says, "Hell, you do that, I may have to move into the RV for a few weeks! Snicker....

    I asked him tonight if I had gotten moody or snippy since I quit. He stares at me and says, "Surprisingly no. I expected you to be a megga bit**, but you didn't." I smiled and left the room. Don't get me wrong, if I had cigs in front of me, I'm pretty darn sure I would light it! I'm not so itchy that I will "go to the store" to get em. Me and my former friends (cough) are done!

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Thanks very much appreciate! I see you've had your ups and downs of late. I hope this missive finds you on an upswing! :)

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Hehe... "Dragon". I actually had to take it off of my computer because my voice changes were such it would get funky on its response. After this next surgery, I will reinstall it again, and see if I can use it after all settles down?

    Late night chats.. Yes ma'am I very much remember them, and treasure them! I haven't seen you in chat of late. I usually log on, and the 1st 2 things I do? I click on "Who is in chat", and scroll down to see who is logged in. As for chat times and such, basically most times early evenings on up. I am not (as you know) "a" morning person! Lol!! Miss our chitty-chats woman!!!

    *HUGZ* right back to ya Mary. Thank you, they felt wonderful!! :)

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
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