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ljsunshine_elljsunshine_e Posts: 52
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:56 AM in Depression and Coping
I think about it a lot. I am on meds. I have told my therapist. I know I can not do it but I do think about it. I just get so tired of being in pain. Now she wants me to see a in home therapist. I am not sure if I want to do this. I do not like people being in my home. I really do not like to meet new people, and I am afraid how this will effect my children. They are the only reason I do not go through with it. I was wondering if anyone here has ever had a in home therapist. I was also wondering if anyone had any ideas on how to keep these thoughts at bay. thanks


  • Please don't give up. You have so much to live for and to hope for. I hope you can tolerate the pain somehow. It's excruciating for all of us here and we all try to cope somehow.
    I know that I, too, often wish that something would just happen to me to take the pain away. It's intolerable.
    Please know that we are all here to help you and all of are more than happy to help you in your current crisis.
  • Thanks I know I can not give up. Part of me does not want to. My children will always need me. I used to think I could kill my self after they grew up, now I tell my self that no matter how old they get I want to be there for them.
    I really just get tired of the thoughts I am looking for a way to get the thoughts to stop. I did not mean to alarm anyone. I am sorry if it seemed that I was going to kill myself. I am not going to, I just can not seem to get rid of the thought of it.
    I am also trying to find someone who has had a in home therapist. I would like to know more about it from someone who has had one. I know what my therapist told me about it but I would like a view from the other side so to speak.
    Sorry if I am not making my self very clear my meds are making me kinda foggy tonight.
  • Pain can make you think all kinds of things. Anyone thats seriously hurting for years from spine or anywhere else has thought about posibly being beter off dead. Just have to take it day by day and find some enjoyment out of smaller things in life.

    If they recomend home thearapy just take it see how it goes. They might help you get adjusted in dealing with the pain a litle beter who knows. Good luck just hang in there,
    Flexicore ADR 2004 resulting nerve damage l4l5 Fusion 2006 same level, 2009 hardware removal with lami !
    2012 scs implant ,
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,877
    make you have so many thoughts, many very dark.

    Suicide is really the easy way out. What you leave behind, thats really where it will hurt. Much more pain than any chronic pain that we may have.

    Please contact the Suicide Hotline listed below
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • i have had a therapist come to my home when the pain was severe enough that i wasn't able to get up and around due to pain. it helped. he could not take the pain away but his presence was helpful.
  • A therapist visited me at my home when I was at my worst, unable to move around the house or outside. It helped me tremendously. At the time I did not get much support from my family at home, husband worked long hours, and kids were small. It helped having someone listening, believe me and understand.I do not have a definite diagnosis for all my pain, so some people would think it is all in my head. When I got able to move on crutches, I started visiting the therapist's office, that way getting an outing at the same time. It can feel like the walls are collapsing on you, and you don't feel a way out. It can be hard staying positive. I still have pain 24 hrs a day in varying degrees, but atleast I can walk now, and work part time. My husband is of greater support now, kids are older, and I started on Cymbalta a month ago, which I feel has helped me tremendously. As a mom in pain it can be really hard to juggle it all, and be a happy supporting wife taking care of kids and home.

    I still overdo things once in a while, but I am learning to pace things. I don't do all my cooking, cleaning or laundry at once, but divide it through out the day/week. E.g. I would cut onions or veggies ready the evening before, or in the morning, and then cook them in the evening, using a bar stool for taking the weight off my feet. Also, laying out clothes for the next day for myself and the kids, as not to have to walk too much in the morning.I lie down on the couch a couple of times a day, in the morning before work, then after work and again later in the evening, in between cooking, cleaning or helping/playing w kids. Then when my husband comes home from work late after I get the younger one to bed, I still have some energy left to socialize w him - most nights, before I fall in bed.

    I wish you courage and strength, and give you a big hug.
  • one was my father in law and the other was my steps sons half brother .he was just 18 .so i wont patronise you with things like i know what you are going through because i don't ..i can tell you what its like to loose two loved ones befor there time .its totally life changing for the rest of the family .my father in law was a fit man in his early 70 and in good physical health but he did have bouts of depression .and one day he did take his own life .he was under a therapist and his other daughter is a community psychiatric nurse.he just decided to do it ..as for the young lad i don't know the details so i can't comment as i did not know him as he lived outside my area and was not my child but my stepson who lives with me and his mum was and still are very upset .please seek help we all know that pain can make you think very dark thoughts and that's fine .its like a fantasy it always sound better in your head but the reality is much less appealing if you are at the stage where you think you may harm yourself you must see a trained professional .if its constant pain maybe a tweak in medication is all that's require BUT that can only be a DOCTORS decision .i hope that you are feeling better than when you originally posted this please take care and look after yourself
    tony {UK}
    1997 laminectomy
    2007 repeat laminectomy and discectomy L4/L5
    2011 ALIF {L4/L5/S1}
    2012 ? bowel problems .still under investigation
    2014 bladder operation may 19th 2014
  • You should get a pad of paper and write down the blessings in your life. You have already mentioned your children, so there is a start. Take your time. Keep the pad handy, keep thinking about it and write them down as they come to you.

    If you keep your mind on the positive things in your life, your outlook will be more positive. Take the time to notice, appreciate and enjoy all of the beauty around you: sunrise, nature, sunsets, the stars in the night sky. This world is a great blessing. You have to make the effort to notice it.

    And please, do call suicide hotline in Ron's message. Not because you are going to kill yourself, but because you are thinking about it. That is enough to at least make the call and hear what they have to say. They will be more equiped and able to help you than we can on a forum.

    Suicide Help Resources

    Suicide Hotline Numbers
    USA: 1-800-784-2433
    UK : 08457 90 90 90
    ROI: 1850 60 90 90

    Suicide Hotline Numbers for Canada (URL Link)

  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 5,476
    ...are not unusual when chronic pain is draining physically, mentally and emotionally and who knows how it may whack out our chemicals..in our body/brain.

    I have a hotline number on my phone that I call periodically just to talk it out..usually off hours of therapist.

    Since I have rejected the actual action for myself..that helps..but I find it to be a slippery slope even entertaining the thoughts.

    I also have a hard time when I hear the way to discourage ending a life is by adding guilt..or name calling..such as coward. For me..I have enough guilt for a few lifetimes and focusing on my "selfish thoughts" or "bad me again"...doesn't help.
    But we are all different.

    I'm just saying, I think we need to be careful in blaming people in their crisis..illness if you will. Noone is there by choice.

    I love the idea of counting your blessings, as that was your idea to do when you mentioned your children. That's the way your own thinking took you. Having someone in your home, showing your kids how you take care of yourself and providing them with another understanding, caring adult sounds win/win.

    And when you get stuck..24/7..call and talk with someone on the hotline. Just talk. You don't have to have it figured out. Just talking with a trained individual can help...and as often as needed.
    Hang in there...a day at a time if need be

    Spine-Health Moderator
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

  • I am going to try the counting my blessings. I never even thought that a in home therapist could provide my children with a outlet of someone who understands what they are also having to deal with. I have called a hotline not the one provided here but the one my therapist provided. I am no where near understanding all off it, however I am in a much better place.
    I am really sorry for worrying anyone. I have found that keeping myself busy really helps as well. I will keep on with my therapist and meds, plus I will do the home therapist if that is what they think will be best. I really want to thank all of you for your help.
  • I registered on this forum just to respond to this post. I'm a 26 year old guy who got into a very bad spot mentally last year & thought it'd be a good idea to run my car into a light pole so I could end it all. Wow, was that a mistake...

    I ended up shattering my L2 & L3 vertebrae, and I just had my 4th surgery a couple weeks ago. Spinal fusion, constipation from pain meds that hurt so bad it made me want to die, back braces, staph infection, another staph infection, PICC line, removed the instrumentation, spine didn't hold, intervertebral cage, etc. I'll be dealing with this crap for the rest of my life, all because of a dumb decision I made to attempt suicide.

    Please see the therapist, and make sure there is a connection between you and her/him. It's the most important aspect of successful/helpful therapeutic treatment. Trust yourself to know if the fit is right, and find another therapist if the fit is not right. I've been to probably 10 therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists in my life, and most of them have been terrible. What's really funny in my case is that the less schooling they had, the more they helped me. My most helpful experience was with a psychology doctoral student - his style meshed perfectly with what I needed & we weren't under any pressure from insurance to get results. Don't get caught up in credentials.

    Let me know if I can help at all. Only people who've dealt with this can have any clue about the massive & subtle, insidious effects a bad back can cause. All the best!

  • Welcome to spine health. Thank you soo much for joining here to respond to ljsunshine's post. You are so right that only someone who has been through it can completely understand. The fact that you joined to reach out and help someone is wonderful.

    I am sorry for all that you have gone through, but am glad that you are here to talk about it. By you joining us here, I hope that you are able to feel our support for you too. This is a great group and it is so helpful to come on here to offer and get support, vent, pass on experiences, and just be there for others.

    Again welcome aboard, look forward to hearing more from you.

    Big >:D< Karen
    >:D< >:-D< : Karen
    L3-S1 herniation and bulges, stenosis, mod facet,ddd,impinged nerves,coccydinia
    discectomy/lami July 2011-unsuccessful
    adr L5-S1 Feb 2012
  • Thank you. I am not going to kill myself, I am just having trouble to get the thoughts to go away. I am seeing a therapist and I am going to try the in home therapist if that is what my doctor thinks needs to be done. I know it might not be right but it makes me feel better knowing that people have been there. Thank you again. I hope to hear more from you in the future.
  • and she was a lifeline for me! she was reaally able to understand, support, and just be there for me. my children have also done the in-home therapy, and as a matter of fact, my eldest daughter still does.
    they (my kids) are 12, 13, and 14...we have been dealing with my pain/back issues on and off since 2001...but more devestating since 2007, and it helps them learn how to deal with their ups and downs as well. unfortunately, being a single mother, my pain affects them greatly on many levels and it took someone else coming in to my home to help me see how they were hurting too.
    but now, after a couple of years of working with the different kids, and me, i know to be honest with them about what my limits are. and they are starting to realize that we are not like other families, but that is ok too!

    good luck, and for me, the right dose of antidepressant helps keep the bad thoughts away.

  • Anti depressants can be life savers. If that's what it takes to manage the depression that the pain and life is causing then go for it.

    I just went back to my full dose of lexapro after trying half a dose for several years. That worked fine til I had 3 fusions in 4 years and my future is looking a bit bleak with a couple fusions out there. It made a huge difference to be back on the full dose. Even surprised me.

    That stuff is out there to help us and we need help. We have different needs and issues than a lot of people and I have no problem being on antidepressants if that will help make me feel better. Along with the pain pills and anti-inflammatories.

    Find a counselor who can recommend you to a psychiatrist as they can prescribe. So could your back doctor (prescribe).

    You have a lot going for you with your kids. The times I have thought about suicide (just thought) it always came back to my cats and who would take care of them. Very motivating to stay around.

    A T square with a bit T drawn on a sheet of paper is helpful. One side is pluses (+), one sides is minuses (-). Make a list, keep adding as you think of things. Then look at it and decide if there are some you can change, if there are some you can work on. What makes a plus, are there any minuses that could eventually go to the other side. I have done these before and if for nothing else they let you put things in perspective, a different light maybe.

    Good luck and please let us know how you are doing. You have a whole big family here that cares.

    L4/L5 laminectomy, L4/L5 360 fusion with instrumentation, L1 to L5 fusion, L5/S1 fusion w/ disc replacement, left and right SI joints fused.
  • I think we have all let this thought cross our mind at some point or another ,when the pain is that severe we would do just about anything to get away from it.Its one day at a time and it gets so darn frustrating you cant do what you want to do , dont feel like it anyhow. But death is final and I think I can find some time during this pain to find a little joy and hell yes its hard but finding someone that really understands and letting that frustration out helps so much. Its a passing thought for most of us but some go ahead with it and its final I dont like the thought of the things I would miss out on my grandbaby, my sons, You can fight it! God bless you
  • I am so sorry for your pain. I don't know how you feel about God at the moment but He can help you and I'm going to pray for you.

    Please don't do anything to harm yourself. Your children will be affected for the rest of their lives. It sounds like you love them and have their best interest at heart. One of my best friend's Mom took her life when we were in our mid 20s. It's twenty years later and my friend lives a life of constant struggle. No amount of counseling helps. Prayer and her close friends being here for her around the clock is all that gets her though it.

    My heart breaks for you. I don't know you but I'm going to pray for you and your family daily and I hope you can find peace.
  • I also get the obsessive thinking, and thinking it would be so much better if I could just GO. I also have children, and thank god I do! I see a phsyc, and she knows me very well. Keep on your meds, and in home therapy sounds awsome!
    I also have to add that I have bipolar disorder, and fibromyalgia. I feel like my quality of life is gone a lot. I miss working, and feeling like I am doing something in my life! I also lost my best friend that was like a sister last year in a tragic accident. I never got to say goodbye. I miss her soo much. I just dont know what to do without her.

    Yes, I also hate to hear people give advice when they have no idea at all what it is like to have these horrible thoughts. I used to get so scared when I got these, but I have learned the wonderful phase, "This shall pass", it does, but it is very hard!

    If you would like, I can talk to you in messages, anything! I am here, are there are many here that have been in the same boat. I am around a lot, and I am here. >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D<
  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 5,476
    ..happens to me...I sing..if even to myself..like... "Happy Birthday to you".. over and over.

    If I ever engaged in conversation with neg thoughts.. it spiralled downward.

    So, I cut it off with nonscense.

    Weird...but effective...better than "snap the rubberband"...for me :)
    Spine-Health Moderator
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,877
    Please contact the Suicide Hotline numbers which you can get by clicking below my name.

    Suicide is never the answer no matter how bleak a situation looks.
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • If it is getting that bad then call a hotline then get to a phsyc asap. I now know that when I get these thoughts that they are just thoughts. You know yourself better than anyone else. Are you on meds for depression? I know that with bipolar disorder (at least for me) that it can mess you up quite a bit. I wont go into details about my life, but I have a wonderful doctor, and I am very greatful for her. If you would like to talk to me, just send me a PM, but please look up some doctors and get in. The mind is crazy, and make you think a lot of horrible things!!!
  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 5,476
    ...and I did not mean to seem...not serious.

    So sorry for if I not respond right...with like the singing to get rid of obsessive..intruding thoughts.

    I just talking about the negative thoughts...not the suicide. No way I would have been that response to suicidal thoughts. Hope I not too misunderstood.

    Suicidal...I always take seriously...talk to someone.

    I was responding to what I thought the meaning of negative thoughts...not happy birthday to suicidal thoughts.`

    Sorry if I seemed insensitive.
    My writing has been better than my speaking..hope my writing and reading not too bothersome...deteriating.

    Spine-Health Moderator
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

  • of a suicide attempt, those obsessive dark thoughts ruled my mind for months. My psychiatrist told me that he could not change my thoughts, only I could do that. It seemed like a cold response at first and I had a rather abrupt outburst when he said it. I got a lot out during that outburst though and I think that's what he was looking for (or pushing me toward).

    I now go to daily group therapy and keep a busy schedule to keep my mind too busy for those thoughts to enter. Keeping a list of your blessings is a great idea. I've also learned to write down 3 things that I'm happy for each night before I go to bed. It does not take away my pain, obviously, but it does take my mind off of it which is all you can really do. Going to bed with thoughts of what you are happy to have is very helpful for me.

    I'm sorry for the thoughts you're suffering through and hope you find a way to ease them soon!
  • thank you for sharing that Christine. It's so easy to let the negativity consume us that we tend to forget that there is some positivity in our lives. We have to remember to grasp that positivity, hold on to it tight, and never let it go.
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
  • edited 12/17/2013 - 5:52 PM
    I do not buy into the societal consensus that it is noble to persuade suffering people to continue being tortured. Is anyone honest enough to just admit a properly executed suicide may be the only hope to cease that pain (if there is not hope with surgery)? What if we talk this poor person into remaining alive in severe pain and mental anguish? What have we accomplished by doing that? Is it really the right thing to do? It seems extremely cold-hearted to talk a person out of their only hope to stop being tortured by a health condition. That's my opinion.
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,877
    Interesting word. Yes, many people with spinal problems live with pain, I know, I am doing that myself.

    But compare what we go through to some other inevitable death alignments (ie COPD) then it paints an entire different picture.
    We have to learn to manage our pain, which is why there are so many options available to spinal patients that want to try.
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • I personally wish I was brave enough to commit suicide, but I'm too scared. I don't want to "manage" my pain. I either want to live happy and free from a nagging torment or not live at all. I agree that other people have worse conditions, such as the breathing condition you mentioned. It is true that my degenerative disc disease is not near as bad as many people on this forum.

    But I derive absolutely no alleviation of suffering from knowing other people are in worse pain. Consider this: It is, by definition, sadism to feel better from knowing that other people are suffering.

    I pity myself. I pity people who are worse off than me. I pity you. This is a sick universe we live in where abhorrent pain and disgusting anguish exist.
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,877
    above everything, do not Pity me

    Never needed it, never wanted it, I just learned how to live , simple.
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • RangerRRanger on da rangePosts: 805
    Do not pity me either, I have a good life despite all my medical issues, not only just spinal.
    I have a gift, I am looking forward to living every single day to the fullest. Hope each an every one else can find that within them. I know it is not always easy.
  • If you are in pain or alone on Christmas day or around Christmas - please call someone and ask yourself for Christmas dinner. Your friends and family want you to be there. Don't give up.

    This is the dangerous time of year if you are down and alone. Communicate with someone, anyone. If your family are overseas call them, call your best friend, ring a hotline, go and help at a homeless shelter, please if you are down over Christmas get outa the house or invite someone round to your house, even if you are in pain.

    Listen to something on You Tube - there are some great hypnosis videos - and most of all remember this feeling will pass - even if at the moment you don't think it will.

    Tell someone you trust how you feel. The hardest thing to do is ask for help, it takes guts but if you have spine pain for a long time you have guts anyway. I think most people here have thought about topping themselves at one stage or other to get out of the incessant pain.

    I have thought about it lots to make the pain go away - but a close friend of mine did it and wrecked the whole family - sometimes other people follow and I know some of her daughters and her husband tried as well.

    I know I shouldn't be angry with her - but years later I still am. I can't just get over it. She had a beautiful family that are destroyed. It is the only reason I won't do it - thought many times of a way to make it look like an accident but what happens if it fails. You are worse off. If it succeeds your family is destroyed forever. My mum told me not to be so harsh, that people are not in their normal mind if they suicide. I do blame myself sometimes - I had gone down the week before when she needed me and thought she would be Ok. I lived hours away and was working two jobs - one full time and three evenings a week teaching IT. She called and asked me down again and I couldn't go - that weekend she did kill herself. It was so many years ago now but at that time every year I feel really down and wonder why. Then I realise it is the anniversary of her death - it still happens years and years later. Makes me feel so sad.

    So in reality she is the reason I would never do it. I've seen the guilt and permanent damage it causes - it's not just you who dies that day - all your friends and family die inside as well.
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