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Okay...last clearance.. Meltdown DAMN it!!!! Sniff...

Aviatrix36440Aviatrix36440 Posts: 5,904
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:57 AM in Depression and Coping
Okay, ...those of you on here for say... 6 months or more, know me as a pretty positive, and supportive, outgoing type. I have a sort of 'big' surgery in 3 days, and *I* am good with it, but..... My hubby (I can see the stress beyond the normal), my friends, and then the push for basically a "DNR" if the stuff hits the fan - I guess that bulls-eyes the seriousness? I have already been affixed with my surgical admittance tags on my arm (yeah...gotta keep em dry till Tues morn!! [G]).

I should be asleep many hours ago, but my stupid brain won't shut up!!!! I saw the pain tonight when my hubby read the "Advanced Directive" paperwork, and why it was "suggested"... I saw his hurt - even though we have been through (err...heheh me, have been through might not make it surgeries before). That is killing me right now! Like a member put on here... dying is easy, "We do it once, and someone else cleans up the mess. " So true!! Our family of course isn't in that same boat... but I do love that statement. The "ouch" on my hubby (crying or tearing as I type this....) is killing me more than the damn surgery!!!

It is the emotional side. Lol, he is GREAT financially if I kick before him, but we are best buds, lovers and confidants... so to see his "doubts, worries, fears" in his face, damn...it so painfully hurts - more than this bloody surgery. Sorry, he and are what is called "soul mates"... It is killing me... sorry, just so uuuuunnn-happy for HIM right now. Whaaa.... Thanks for listening. This in not my "normal me"...

PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.


  • Sending you a big >:D< ! You are so upbeat, kind, and forever giving out words of encouragement on here, that it totally doesn't supprise me that you are now thinking of your husband and his feelings. Tough blow to have to sign a DNR,even though they can be standard procedure with bigger surgeries, they still " bite "

    I hear you on the worrying about hubby, I too have that "soulmate"relationship with mine, and he is constantly worrying about me, when he has his own chronic pain.Then in turn, it hurts us, to see them hurting, for us.

    Hope that you guys are able to do something fun this weekend.The time is almost here! You will do fantastic and soon this will all be over (preparing, stressing, counting days) and you will be on the recovery side of things. With brighter days ahead!

    Will be thinking of you!

    >:D< Karen
    >:D< >:-D< : Karen
    L3-S1 herniation and bulges, stenosis, mod facet,ddd,impinged nerves,coccydinia
    discectomy/lami July 2011-unsuccessful
    adr L5-S1 Feb 2012
  • Hi Brenda, I just wanted to stop and say hello and good luck on your surgery. I am always around reading and see your encouraging posts often. I am one month out of surgery myself. Of course it is probably nothing like you are going to undergo in a few days but, I was scared beforehand though. It was my 2nd back surgery and it scared me for some reason more than the first did. I am doing pretty good now and still being hopeful that my future is looking better. I pray that your surgery goes well, that God guides your surgeon's hands, that God keeps you safe and heals you quickly. Try and relax some before this day comes and spend some time with hubby to comfort him also. I know it is hard for our caretakers too. God blesses them too. Keep us posted when you can. Hang tough. Beth
  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 5,427
    Best wishes for your surgery and looking forward to hearing how it goes. Sometimes there's a good story about what you may say as you're coming out of anesthesia! :)

    I've often thought it most difficult for the ones who love us.
    God Bless your finding and enjoying your soulmate.. :) and prayers for both of you!
    Spine-Health Moderator
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

  • Hey sweetheart, I'm thinking and praying for you. You are one of the most positive, helpful, loving, giving, support of people, I have the privlivage of calling a friend!!! What a blessing to have found you!! Even if it started with pain! We never know who we're going to meet, thank goodness for SH. This nasty spine of mine, brought me to aplace I wouldn't have known. Yes, even though, I didn't have a clue, 2 years ago, people I met here, and have gotten to know and love. Again, a silver lining, in a world full of pain.
    So, Brenda, my precious spine sister, the thought of what you're going through this week, is very, very scarey!!! And I've only known you for almost 2 years!!! Lol!!! Your darling hubby, quite naturally, has to be going nuts, worrying about you!!! But knowing you, you're more concerned about him!!! ( I've always told my family and friends) : If anything happens to me, get him another women,fast!!!)Lol You've been his everything for so long! I've been married over 40 years, and I always worry about what he needs, and I know he does the same thing for me!!! We lucked out, we found our otherhalf!!! So,sweetheart, you know as I do, there just ain't no way he can hide his worry! He loves you too much!!! If he was able to get through this, with acting like he was not scared, he'd deserve an academy award!!! I wish I could do more to help you!!!
    You've got my friendship, and I'l be praying for you and your recovery is fast and as painless as possible!!! Your important day is almost here, and this time next week you'll be on the otherside, home with your soulmate, and your precious kittycat's!!!
    In the mean time, I'm sending you ton's of positive energy, prayers,and gentle hugs! I can't wait to read how wonderful your going to be!!! If spirit and being a positive person help in recovery, sweetpea, you've got that part covered!!! Many, many gentle hugs, Brenda C.

  • >:D< >:D< >:D<

    Thinking of you and your wonderful, loving husband.

    I really hope that you are able to have a great weekend together and that you are able to focus on some fun things together.

    He is bound to be anxious for you and signing those papers will have caused him to think of the 'what ifs' (probably made you think of them too!).

    You are very strong Brenda, and if mental strength can play a part in recovery after this surgery, you are going to be just fine. With your special man beside and supporting you, you will get through this.

    Once you are over the recovery, which is going to take a while, you will be able to get in that RV and drive off into the sunset and enjoy the rest of your lives together.

    I will be praying for you both.
    >:D< >:D< >:D<

  • Hi Brenda,
    you made me tear up too! It is so hard to watch our partners and family deal with our issues from their perspective. As we all say they really don't always "get it", but in many ways we need to remember that what is going on inside of their heads and hearts is also a bit of a mystery. Thoughts and feelings can never be wrong, they just are :)

    I can hear it in your words that you two are an awesome couple, there for each other and supportive:)
    Just hug him and share your love and fears. All will be exactly what it is supposed to be. and in my personal and yes ultra positive thoughts, all is going to go great!!!

    we are all here rooting for you :) go get 'em!
    sending love
  • Just wanted to wish you all the best with your surgery, Brenda. I don't really post much anymore - but I hang around Spine-Health a lot, and of course know what a terrific person you are. You are courageous, honest and good!

    I have had four years of chronic pain that severely limits my life/activity, but have had no surgery. Spine-Health has really helped me to learn to manage my pain, and make the best of this "new" life I now have. You are a wonderful role model for so many people, to take a positive approach to their chronic pain - and you help so many people.

    Have a wonderful Sunday with your husband. I'm sure you know that you also need to be pragmatic about the medical paper work -

    I don't really have any advice for you, Brenda - Honestly - you've had a lot more experience than me - haha! I too am blessed with a wonderful husband! I will pray for you and your husband.

  • *HUGZ* Back to ya woman!! :) My hubby is doing better today. I think in part since we talked in depth about these forms and what they are *really* for. I also did some digging and too looked on another site I visit, and apparently more and more hospitals are suggesting patients have these forms on file "just in case."

    I can't remember her name right off, but we had a terminal woman here in South Florida, and doctors told her family over and over she was gone (no brain activity), and terminal. She refused to pull the plug. It went to court, and long story short, they let her starve to death; kept comfy with pain medications. When I remember that mess, I 'get it' mentally.

    For post surgery went and bought the XBox 360 and several games. In my bedroom I can play Wii, or the living-room now XBox. (G) DVD's are stocked up, went shopping for some quick comfy foods (soups and such), new underwear as required for spine surgeries (G), and some nice soft comfy socks! Whew!! :)

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Beth,

    Thanks very much for your thoughts and prayers. I'm pretty accepting of the surgery Tuesday. My surgeon has an excellent reputation and track record - and I have full faith in his skills and ability. So that part of the surgery feels "right" as they say. It just bites it had to get this bad before all the (no pun) pieces got put together! (G)

    I'll be watching as you get closer to your surgery date. Once you're close, I will send you prayers and positive energy. *HUGZ* Thanks again!!

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Anesthesia... hehehehe...My last surgery the Anesthesiologist for some reason woke me by using his knuckles into my upper chest. Jeeesssh...that hurt! I yelled some pretty rotten things to him lemme tell ya! (G) He never did tell me why he woke me that way.

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Brenda,

    I too am very happy and blessed to have you as a friend, or better yet (using some of your words) spiney sister!

    Most times my hubby (20+ years) puts on airs like "nothing" is going on that shows he is worried! I've caught him looking at me more than usual when he thinks I don't see it. Being even more attentive etc. It is rainy and crappy down here so we've been playing Wii and XBox games which is fun.

    I've been pre-admitted for surgery and as such have 2 wrist bands on already. I can't get them wet, so can't hit the pool even if the weather agreed! (G) Yeah, these are the ones with those little stickers they use as you process in pre-op.

    Hubby is going to call Metalneck to update since I'll probably be out of it for a while. I figure then Dave can update on here.

    The surgical nurse told me that visiting hours are 9am-9pm, but of course my hubby can stay regardless. :) Works for me!! We are hoping I get released by Saturday. It will be what will be right? Thanks sis!!! *HUGZ*

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Howdy Jellyhall,

    My hubby says my stubbornness alone will get me through surgery & recovery! Lol!! Yeah, I don't give up or in easily!!!

    I filled in the papers and printed them. All that's needed now is the signatures and submit for the file. He is a bit better today, so I guess much of this sunk in, and he is adjusting.

    He cooked dinner tonight, and is making my favorite "lamb chops" tomorrow! Can't get better than that! I told him I'll make spaghetti sauce if he wants on Monday. Tonight he asked if I was restricted on what I could eat the day before surgery. I told him, "Think of me like a Gremlin, just don't feed or water after midnight!" That my DH is my only restriction! (G)

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Howdy Bonnie,

    I think that is what opened me more about his side. I got fussy as he was being too quiet, so I told him "Tell me what your thinking and feeling, no macho man bulls**t!" He then admitted to feeling anxious this go around. In an odd way, I'm glad I pigeon holed him, as we've had some great conversations since. :)

    He's funny too. If he is sick, he is a big big baby, but if I am sick, he is like there every inch helping me and keeping me comfy! Love it.

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Thanks for your support in my blue days and for that support you give to others! I know this will come back to you and your husband as you have embrace life with dignity and courage I pray that you will be soon next to your husband celebrating your progress and recuperation. Enjoy your xbox games! Whose winning???

    Enjoy your meals.

    When I read some of you I realize how important is attitude from the beginning but also I realize how important is to have a love one that offers you support.

    Sleep well!

  • Stefany,

    Thanks very much for such wonderful and supportive words. I think part of my positive side is due to the fact this mess could have been a whole lot worse, and too really worse in 1985, so not much I can complain about. (G) Plus I've always been stubborn. I've told fellow women going into aviation or law enforcement for example; "Never let the bastards win!"

    Or another way of thinking, be the best you can, and don't let others or things (spines/pain etc) keep you down. Life's too short to begin with. I'm glad to see you are still working with controlling your pain, and still able to stay off the table. I see it this way, the longer you can hold off, the better techniques and technologies.

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Thanks very much, happy to help where I can. :)

    We looked at the XBox last year around Christmas, but decided to just stay on the Wii side... Well, since I don't know how my hands will be, I opted to get the XBox since their sensor doesn't need controllers in your hand. The other being they have some games that aren't on Wii. We have tons of activities for our Wii system, and bought maybe 10 for the XBox presently.

    As for who is winning, pretty much a push. (G) I hope you're having a very low pain day sir Z!! *HUG*

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Sometimes it seems even harder on the spouse, I know my wife just freaks out when I have to have surgery, even minor stuff like my carpal tunnel. I know with such a loving partner to help with the recovery that you will improve so much more quickly. I know with all of the friends you have on SH praying for you that all will go well!! Try to relax for a couple days until surgery time. Do something fun to occupy the time until then. Gentle >:D<
  • Howdy Gary,

    Yeah, I have to agree. Our "other halves" don't always convey what they are feeling, they do the macho thing... We women do it too. Maybe it's a human protective thing or something? ☻

    The weather (uncustomary for Florida) has stunk, and that is thanks to a sub-tropical low giving us tons of rain to end the rainy season! (G) If this rate continues, flooding will start - we flood about every 5 years, so we're due!!! I think we are going to luck out though, and the bigger mess of rain is done. Thanks again Gary. *HUGZ*

    Oh, and being stuck inside, it is 'Wii and XBox game' time! :)

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Aviatrix sorry for my ignorance, I try to look it up. No experience with this games... How you control the games without using your hands? The sensor respond to what? I will continue looking up.

    Hope both of you are playing the games, sleeping well and eating well, relaxing and relaxing!


    Sylmarie (Z):-)
  • Z,

    No, not ignorance at all!! Lol! It is called "XBox 360" Like Wii or Playstation, it has games specific to it. Some of the games are things like Tetris, bowling, or deep action like Wolfenstien etc.

    My hubby has fully settled down now. I guess until we get to the hospital, he will stay on the calmer side now. (G)

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
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