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depression husband doesnt get it

maxmismmaxmis Posts: 5
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:59 AM in Recovering from Surgery
I had a wreck dec 2009 i finally had surgery dec 10, 2011.
Fused l4,l5 s1 plates screws bone it was a 360. I am home u had neuropathy in the left leg on it in both. My hubbyhas been GREAT he stayed all week @ the hospital, has taken awesome care of me @ home but my depression is off the charts i dont even want to leave the house which is causin major arguments with the hubby. I rarely leave my room. And the pain from the surgery is better the pain in the legs are worse than ever i dont know what to do. He doesnt even want to speak to me right know he is in the family room watching tv im in bed just layin in the dark. Am i alone?


  • I understand pain can cause depression. My hubby & I have had many rough patches over my medical issues. I always feel like he doesn't understand what I'm going through, I lash out at him, feel guilty, etc. It's a horrible feeling. Maybe you could make an appt with a counselor/psychiatrist? I have thought about doing that myself. I am going through ups & downs myself. and NO, you are not alone. My hubby & I are fighting right now too. He is in the bedroom & I am in the living room, mad again. So I totally understand.

    ACDF C5-C6 01/2002
    ACDF C6-C7 12/2011
    Prognosis: Permanent nerve damage in hands/arms, all treatment options exhausted-- lifetime CPP
  • You should really see your doctor for some help with this. It is hard to have depression, and not everyone understands. He may not really be mad at you, he might not even understand at all.
  • My wife also has been great, taking great care of me, but I also have been having problems with depression which I dont think my wife understands, really how could she? I would never have dreamed how this surgery, pain, and problems would affect me. We also have been having spats, she says shes lonely, I spend most of my time in a bedroom we converted over before surgery with t.v. and xbox. I've been trying to get out more and do a little more, but seems like everything I do makes me hurt more. I'm 3 weeks post PLIF. I also have been considering seeing a therapist for the deppression. I've noticed sunlight helps me feel better! Maybe you could try sitting in the sunlight a little bit, It may help, hang in there, I'm sure its gonna get better for all of us. Good luck and hope you feel better soon.
  • Surgery plays havoc with your brain. Not just all the drugs etc. but the whole build up to it and the fear/stress/pain. For your partner also there is a lot of stress and anxiety.

    Afterwards is somewhat of an anti-climax and you feel like cr@p and poor old partner isn't getting the recognition he feels he deserves for his valiant efforts on your behalf.

    My suggestion is try and talk about it. Thank him for being there for you and how much you appreciate it etc., and tell him you don't know why you feel like you do at the moment but you feel sure that in time you will be your old self again.

    It's only been a couple of months so this really is early days. I was weird for a year after my surgery and never really felt like "my old self" for about two years, so give it time.

    I'm not young enough to know everything - Oscar Wilde
  • MetalneckMetalneck Island of Misfit toysPosts: 1,364
    You may find this page of the site to be of help.


    There are a number of us that are in a similar situation.

    You are not alone.


    Spine-health Moderator
    Welcome to Spine-Health  Please read the linked guidelines!!

  • Wow, I just love hearing other peoples' views on their pain, depression, & dealing with their spouse/significant other. Your comments have really given me a different perspective on things I've never considered before. Keep them coming!
    I am 3 weeks post-op & have a feeling the road ahead will be interesting. My mood changes literally by the minute. It's almost like PMS, but I think it's worse! One minute I'm ready to rip hubby's head off, the next minute I looooove him so much! One minute "he's so understanding" to "he doesn't understand AT ALL"!!
    Maybe I should find a counselor? Hope things are going better for you, maxmis.

    ACDF C5-C6 01/2002
    ACDF C6-C7 12/2011
    Prognosis: Permanent nerve damage in hands/arms, all treatment options exhausted-- lifetime CPP
  • I just told my wife last night I think I am depressed, so you are not alone. I had my open tlif 11/21. Definitely speak to your surgeon, I h ave my second followup on friday and will be bringing it up. Keep in mind too that our significant others are covering for us while we are recovering (house work, chores, errands, etc) and I can see how they are extremely stressed out through the process. Talk to your surgeon and husband. Stress is also not good for recovery
  • Well, it happened, I knew it would. I had a major meltdown this week. It was really bad. Things started building up & I exploded. I don't have ANY family here where I live right now, except for a brother & sister-in-law. They were very supportive until I had the surgery, then for some reason, no word from them at all. These family members live maybe a block down the road from me. They have not called or came by to check on me, see if I need anything, how my surgery went, NOTHING. I am over it now, and that relationship is no more. I am done with them.
    Unfortunately my husband has had to do EVERYTHING for me, I have no support here. I am sure he is majorly stressed & I guess I am just being selfish. My feelings were extremely hurt for awhile, but now I realize I don't need people like that in my life to begin with. The burden has lifted & I feel exhilarated now!
    Things are getting better now, I just have to remember to communicate with my husband about things that are bothering me instead of bottling everything up until an explosion occurs. I refuse to feel guilty for recuperating & not injuring myself further. I refuse to feel sorry for myself for being helpless. I refuse to be depressed because some low-life family memb ers have blown me off. I am focusing on my recovery & everything/everyone else will have to understand that & if not, oh well, NOT MY PROBLEM! :)

    ACDF C5-C6 01/2002
    ACDF C6-C7 12/2011
    Prognosis: Permanent nerve damage in hands/arms, all treatment options exhausted-- lifetime CPP
  • I have been dealing with chronic neck pain/headaches for the past 2 years and have endured 2 fusions in 9 months. I have a loving, wonderful family that has stood by my side and been nothing but supportive, yet I still feel isolated. I told my husband one night that "I am surrounded by people but I've never felt so alone". He didn't and doesn't get it. So, I try and just put my smile on LOL
    upon recommendation from my surgeon, I bought "Body Broken", the authors last name is Greenburg (or similar). It is an amazing book, and everyone in our situation should read it. It definitely halped me feel not as alone.
    Hope this helps, and keep your head up!
    April 2011 C1-C2 Fusion (Brooks wiring)
    January 2012 C1-C2 Revision Fusion (Harms Technique)
    2010 - current: Trigger Point Injections, Epidural Injections, Bilateral C2-C3 Radiofrequency Ablations
  • No one knows what you are going through unless they've been through it themselves. Maybe you should tell him that.
  • your depression is reactive that means that you are reacting to recent events .i can say with from experience because i too am 6 weeks ALIF and i do know what you are going through .its perfectly normal to be [depressed] when you are stuck in the house all day and night in pain not sleeping .can't do anything ..yes?? come on anyone would be depressed .the fusion takes a very long time to recover from and just take your time and don't try to rush anyhting .i also understand your husband he WONT understand how you are feeling because he has not been through what you are going through .my wife is a nurse and she has looked after me BUT i can sense that she is getting fed up with me too .its normal for this to happen .no one want to have an ill person in there care if they are really honest .but talk to each other let him read the spoons theory and the letter to a normal and many of thee post on here maybe that will change his mind .remember in sickness and in health ! i understand how you are feeling its scary and you feel very vulnerable too as you are dependant on him i should imagine? you can talk to me any time
    tony {UK}
    1997 laminectomy
    2007 repeat laminectomy and discectomy L4/L5
    2011 ALIF {L4/L5/S1}
    2012 ? bowel problems .still under investigation
    2014 bladder operation may 19th 2014
  • Maxmis,
    The idea is that if what you are doing is not working now, then change it and get some help and support, depression and chronic pain go together and I would be more alarmed if you were not depressed. Our loved ones do not stop loving us overnight, our responsibility it to do the best that we can for ourselves. I was not always an easy patient at times, with time and experience I have mellowed.

    My own son is disabled and I would not expect others to have his condition to understand how challenging it has been for us, that may be naive, I seek compassion and empathy from those who have the gift of sharing and understanding, not everyone will get our plight, did we understand pain until we had it, did we volunteer or give of our time in our healthy persona. Issues are generally not important until we have them, be they cancer, heart disease, miscarriage or many many other things.

    The people who helped me most were those who listened, were genuine and showed that they cared, I met some CP patients that were so wrapped up in themselves they had no time for me, how did that help.

    It my time I have been clinically depressed and perhaps the last person to recognise my condition, with the right help support and encouragement I have worked through some issues and continue to progress, chronic pain is a team event hopefully, helping each other through the darkness. As said, these are early days you have identified an issue and you now need a plan, acknowledging you may be depressed is the first step to recovery, not many here with pain have not been depressed.

    Take care and be kind to yourself, as Tony said this is normal for us all, together we are stronger !


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