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depression husband doesnt get it

maxmismmaxmis Posts: 5
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:59 AM in Chronic Pain
I had a wreck dec 2009 i finally had surgery dec 10, 2011. Fused l4,l5 s1 plates screws bone it was a 360. I am home u had neuropathy in the left leg on it in both. My hubbyhas been GREAT he stayed all week @ the hospital, has taken awesome care of me @ home but my depression is off the charts i dont even want to leave the house which is causin major arguments with the hubby. I rarely leave my room. And the pain from the surgery is better the pain in the legs are worse than ever i dont know what to do. He doesnt even want to speak to me right know he is in the family room watching tv im in bed just layin in the dark. Am i alone?


  • A few things....sorry for all you are going through. Sounds like you just had the 360 fusion. That is a HUGE surgery and at 1-month, tough to be out and about too much this early.

    On the other side, would it help if you set some goals for yourself? This might make it easier for your hubby to plan. It sounds like he is such a trooper. Maybe you can tell him you'll take a ride with him to go get a coffee (I mean ride, there and back, no sitting at the place). Can you ask him to walk with you to the end of the drive way and back?

    As for depression, it's common. The pain is typically a lot and with the meds, etc., it can also be very tiring to recover from back surgery. Have you spoken to your doctor? Maybe the expectations were not set properly for either of you. Or, maybe they were and you may need some help.

    Anyhow, don't be too hard on yourself but let your husband have his own time. He's probably worried about you. If your pain is that bad, you need to call the doctor but in all honesty you just had a HUGE surgery.

    I wish I had more advice for you. Anyway that you can set up a 'bed' in the family room so you can watch a movie with him?
  • You're not alone. Recovering from spinal surgery is brutal. At one month you are at the beginning of your recovery, so don't be too hard on yourself. As for the depression, see your Doctor. It's not weakness, or a failure on your part. I've suffered with depression as well and it's hard to shake when everything in your life has just been turned upside down. I think the hardest part is literally leaving your bedroom to go and see the Dr. You'll have to talk yourself through it.
    I hope your husband can see how strong and brave you've been. Give him time to adjust. Maybe you've always been the supportive one and he's feeling lost and worried that life won't ever be normal again? Sometimes we have to accept a new normal for awhile, so that we can heal. It does get better. Best wishes.
  • As everyone has mentioned, depression is often part of the picture when you go through a trauma like this. If it persists let your doctor know. There is also a really good letter that has been posted on this forum in the past by me, and others. I did not write it but I have used it to help explain to my family, and friends about my experience and what I need from them. Look at my other posts, or maybe someone has a link to it? I can repost it if that would be helpful.

    Send support and understanding... I have been there and know how challenging it can be.

  • is a great thread with both "The spoon Theory" and "Letter to normals"

    These can be very helpful to help people who don't understand Pain.

    All the best to you. We are here for you, and we do "Get it"

    >:D< Karen
    >:D< >:-D< : Karen
    L3-S1 herniation and bulges, stenosis, mod facet,ddd,impinged nerves,coccydinia
    discectomy/lami July 2011-unsuccessful
    adr L5-S1 Feb 2012
  • >:D< >:-D< : Karen
    L3-S1 herniation and bulges, stenosis, mod facet,ddd,impinged nerves,coccydinia
    discectomy/lami July 2011-unsuccessful
    adr L5-S1 Feb 2012
  • I know exactly how you feel honey my hubby does not get it at all he keeps telling me there is no way I am this depressed he knows alot of people and bad situations they are in and they should be depressed not me??? What is wrong with men I even said remember our vows for better for worse he laughed in my face and said oh Bull $#$% I dont know what to do any more my Dr has me on anxiety meds, depression meds, and pain meds and I still have no desire to do anything. My Fusion was in 09 I have done nothing but get progressively worse since. I have had a SCS placed and removed, medication changes to find the right concoction that will work for me, So my PM Dr is now recommending that I go to a Pain Management Clinic its inpatient in a hospital setting. Good luck to you I will def be thinking of you, and never think you are alone in all of this ......we are all here!!!
    Take care.

  • Iam in pain too since 1993 failed lumbar fusion,failed scs,failed injections,get off your butt get walking every day,get moving iam in more pain then you i take a perocet and get walking.
    quit feeling sorry for yourself, Rick in ncpa
    p.s. sorry but get movin
  • Post Deleted - Content was inappropriate and violation of forum rules

    Ron DiLauro, Spine-Health System Administrator 01/05/12
  • Just exackilackily who the hell do you think you are? How would you know if your in more pain than anyone? That was one of the rudest comments I've heard here. This gal has been thru hell and back and that is your response? Do you have any idea what it is like to have that big old wound get infected? I do and it is about the most horrid thing imaginable. I seriously think you need to temper your wording - that was just unnecessary. This gig is one depressing, irritating, annoying can of worms that NOBODY bargained for! If we could, we would all be off our butts skipping to work and back. Please don't tell someone something like that again - don't make me fly out there dude...
  • @mouse thank you my post was removed for reason and it wadnt as harsh as what you said. BUT its true noone knows the pain im in. The pain in my legs are so senstive i havent been able to put a pair of jeans on and thats all i used wear wrre cruel girl and fatbabies so now other than dealin with a$$z like the above post i have to wear dresses or light yoga pants. THANK YOU FOR YOU HELP
  • Maxmis,I just read you post before it was removed and quite frankly it took me by surprise.

    We are all in pain some more than others but is not a competition as to who is worse off,,,This lady has had major surgery only a few weeks ago an does not need to hear these comments as harsh as that.You may be in pain and we all feel sorry for you but show some respect please.

  • Sorry I did not read your post with my last entry ,It was from backman01 I was responding to I appologise for that I put the wrong name in, they say they are in more pain than you,how do they know that? and to quit feeling sorry for yourself,that was out of order,I have been through depression and it is not easy to battle especially with those type of comments.
    Sorry Des.
  • what do you mean you are going to fly here tell me.
    tone it down ! Rick
  • maxmis,this is backman i have the the leg problem,back problem,ect this comment i made was to get up and get moving people cannot lay in bed this will make things worse.if pain is that bad a person should be admitted to hospitial.you can all be mad but i dont like being threatened by this mouse clown
    if you people want to lay in bed all day sooobe it. Rick
  • Post Deleted - Content was inappropriate and violation of forum rules

    Post Edited by Moderator Numbskull
  • Time to just drop the bull,ok? If you had read the original comment that was posted you would've seen that she had just had a major surgery. That she is laying down and is still in pain and has depression and some neuropathy symptoms is no surprise. Your statement was made just to see what the reaction would be. Most likely you are bored and looking for a debate. Everyone else, I wouldn't waste one more minute on this guy. He obviously doesn't have anything else to do than to bother people when they are at their lowest. With a major surgery there are steps to be taken to get back to a daily routine, if that is even possible for some of us. If you're popping percocet and walking it off then that's your perogative but some of us heal a different way and don't want to have to rely on drugs to have to function day to day and we hope that through the pain of a surgery we may be able to one day be able to function solely on our own. For you to attack someone at a weak point shows that you are just a sad and pathetic person. So I suggest you go pop another perc and walk away from the conversation and talk to someone who cares because that's all I have to say to you, clown.
  • I wasnt attacking anybody,the meaning of reply is to get moving,dont end up in a sedentary life style,thats all, you all are looking for an
    arguement, iam not pathetic,or a druggie your very imature, Rick
  • The name calling will cease and desist now. If it doesn't, formal warnings will be given. Respect the OP and let's get back on track please.
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
  • You failed to mention your "mouth problem"? Don't forget about that. I wasn't threatening you - I was saying I perceived your comments as rude and they were. This gal just had major surgery - AND the wound is infected, oozing, and hurts like hell. I would say if she needs to lay around - that is what she needs to do. I really think she would just like to talk about it and how she feels without some jackwagon putting her out to be a lazy bum - OK? Other than that - just bite me.
  • Your right doll - I shouldn't have posted again. You know me - I just despise rudeness in people. Anyway - sorry - I'm done!! :)

    P.S., mail me - my computer crashed and I lost your email addy!!!
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,846
    No more in this thread.
    Enough is Enough
    And everyone was warned...

    There was no reason to continue to destroy this thread.

    Ron DiLauro, Spine-Health System Administrator 01/06/12
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
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