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Need to vent-no help and being made to feel guilty when I ask for it

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,671
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:59 AM in Depression and Coping
I had an acdf on Wednesday. I have no one to help me and I'm hiring a home health aid to come in a couple of times a week. Since this was a car accident the insurance companies can fork over the money. I am so angry at the idiot that hit us because it was totally preventable-he was going too fast and in a hurry to get to his daughter's house. The accident was his fault and I am paying the price, Before this I had no problems with my neck PERIOD.

I forgot to take my pain meds today because I was angry with my Dad and had a fight-I took the padding off the collar when it got wet and had to go back to the hospital to have them show me how to get it on right. When I asked if he would take me he got snotty and said he had clothes in the dryer. He did but that attitude is what I've been dealing with since my accident. Being in pain 24/7 was not pleasant and I spent a lot of time crying which bothered him. This is not easy on me, it is not my fault and I can't help it yet he his playing the victim which is really stressing me out. He can't deal with anyone else being sick but we're supposed to baby him if he has an boo-boo

You know, I am not a bad person. I took care of my Mom for 8 years by myself with no help from him or anyone while she had alzheimers because he didn't want to-couldn't stand to be around the house with her. He finally had to after I took off in '09 because I couldn't handle the stress of being a sole caregiver. What did he do? Call me on the cell phone and say that if I didn't come back he would have to quit his job and take care of Mom. Oh, and BTW since I was gone please give him the password to MY computer so he could use it. Mom finally was placed in the NH but that was only after I told him that if she came home he would be her sole caregiver 24/7. He only had to help part time for 6 months but he loves tell everyone how WE took care of my Mom.

After 2 near nervous breakdowns during that time I think I am at least entitled to a little more compassion from him since I did something he should have been doing. But all I've gotten is a lot of flack and feeling guilty because I ask him to take me to the ER I have had no income coming in and a hard time getting a job since I've not worked for 8 years. I think that taking care of my Mom would entitle me to a little compensation from my Dad since he had to pay nothing out of his pocket those 8 years and got me for free. heck, they even managed to write me off on their taxes as a dependent because i wasn't employed. But it's always about money and how much it's going to cost when I have to see a doctor because the state's indigent program son't pay for doctor visits. With the neck it will go to the insurance company but the torn meniscus doctor visits won't.

I am going to ask the Home Health care person if there is a place I could go to recuperate because there is nothing like feeling you are a burden on someone. He goes to bed early and tells me if I need anything to knock on his door but when I do he says he is trying to go to sleep. So I am afraid to ask him for anything because of this attitude.

The whole thing has me feeling REALLY depressed. It's bad enough having to deal with physical pain without having to deal with emotional pain because someone doesn't really care and you are a burden to them.

My Mom always said he never cared about me and I used to think she was just playing sides. But after this year I think I now realize she wasn't doing that. If I get a settlement from the insurance company I am out of here and he is on his own. I'm going to go to school for accounting which is what I planned to do before this accident.


  • I am so sorry you are in this situation :hug:

    It seems to me that your dads past behaviors are pretty much the makeup of whom he is. He is who he is and does not seem to want to change :(

    My point being if I were you I too would try to make plans to go somewhere else. Or at least get some in home help for yourself.

    You have been through a LOT, maybe consider getting some counseling if for nothing more then have someone you can talk with to explore what is best for you that you know has your best interest in mind.

    please keep me updated how you are doing - I will check in here and be an "ear" for you :D

    L1 - S2 "gone" useless in 1 way or another. DDD. RA. Bone Spurs. Tons of nerve damage/issues. Stenosis. Both knees replaced. 50 yrs old. I had a great fall (hence my user name) at age 41 and it has been a domino effect every since.
  • I have been trying to find a lawyer to help me because my condition was caused by some guy who rear ended me and my Dad. We were stopped at a stop sign and he plowed right into us-said he was in a hurry to get to his daughter's house and was already late. I called a lawyer's answering service today and he is coming out to my house tomorrow to talk to me. So that takes a load off my mind. I think I am entitled to pain and suffering-none of the medications they prescribed helped me and neither did the epidural. As for PT she made it worse. I am self employed and sewing has been my main source of income but i couldn't even do that.

    Before I had the surgery I had considered suicide several times. I have over 50 MS contins that I never used because they didn't help the pain. My neurosurgeon is wonderful and I can actually say he saved my life. There is nothing worse than unrelenting physical pain that is exacerbated by the emotional pain inflicted upon you by someone else because you are a burden to them.
  • I now have a lawyer and he took my case on contingency. He said I have a damn good case. Dad is already worrying about how much money I will get when all is said and done-he thinks the lawyer is taking too much money(35%). He lives in the old days when breakfast was a quarter and needs to come into this century. He tries to be a know it all and debbie downer so I'm staying in my bedroom with my tv and dvd's because I am tired of his pessimistic attitude about this.

    I also have a nurse coming tomorrow to assess me and a CNA will be coming in 3 times a week for $25 a hour. I'm going to keep a positive attitude and try to avoid my Dad's negative attitude as much as possible. He's spending the day complaining about a tummy ache yet he's eating two loaded hamburgers for dinner. I plan on taking the nurse to the clubhouse tomorrow and talk to her in private as other's have suggested.
  • What came to mind as I read your most recent post was, "She's doing the right things" - keeping a safe distance from your emotionally sick father and hiring an attorney for your litigation. We all need to take positive action, be proactive, whenever the need arises, and I feel for people who sit there and do nothing when the going gets tough. Hang in there! Love 'n >:D< >:D< >:D< , Ess
  • It's hard enough to recover without his attitude and I've told him to stop it because I don't need the stress. I've spent my life walking on eggshells and worrying about other people's feelings and I'm wondering now if he's concerned if I get a big enough settlement that I will leave. I've already decided to.
  • It's hard enough to recover without his attitude and I've told him to stop it because I don't need the stress. I've spent my life walking on eggshells and worrying about other people's feelings and I'm wondering now if he's concerned if I get a big enough settlement that I will leave. I've already decided to.
  • Hi, just wanted to say I get it! I feel the same about my family. My step mother is a bitch who tells my dad that I'm faking the pain just to get his attention and money! I live alone and have no help either. I fell off a cliff and broke my back for gods sake. I think what you'r doing is great keep being proactive and more importantly positive!

    I'm here for you...

  • I am happy you are taking steps to regain some control of your life :)

    L1 - S2 "gone" useless in 1 way or another. DDD. RA. Bone Spurs. Tons of nerve damage/issues. Stenosis. Both knees replaced. 50 yrs old. I had a great fall (hence my user name) at age 41 and it has been a domino effect every since.
  • I feel bad for you Lisa. Your family sounds sucky like mine. Are you getting any help at all? Home health care can be expensive.

    I wish I could help-have you talked to a county social worker or one from the hospital?

    The nurse came out today and said I needed to eat LOTS of protein said salmon was a great source of it-I love salmon. My Dad started talking about salmon for him to and protein-I told him the nurse was talking about me NOT him. I made it clear to my Dad that I am just cooking for myself-he has a freezer full of steaks, pork chops and brats and he is quite capable of cooking for himself. He says he is and then adds pathetically how he also has soup. I don't care what he eats or it he does-I come first not him.

    Your stepmother is worried about getting her share of your Dad's money and doesn't want you using up what she thinks is hers.
  • Love that ID! I have to call the lawyer's office tomorrow because there's some things I need to ask without motor mouth Dad butting in. I have a home health care aide coming in 3 times a week so I think I am set.

    My NS PA said the incision looks great and I don't have to wear the bandage now.

    The one thing I miss is not being able to sew for my dolls.
  • I feel bad for the both of us! Make sure you ignore your dad when you make your meals! Sounds like you got some good info from the nurse today. I order my grocery's on-line much easier then asking for help. You get to figure out how to be independent, when you have no choice.

    You father needs a reality check! Sounds like he is very needy but, you have done your time taking care of you mom all those years now it's your time to heal and be supportive.

    As far as my step-mother is concerned, I don't trust her for a second but my dad just plays along with it.

    Good luck with your dad..
  • I am real late with this but i am new. You may never get this. Did you get a counselor? You are dealing with a life time of abuse. If you can keep a real distance from your dad and step-mom, emotionally, that would be good but hard to learn to do it. Instead of anger, realize that they were not loved and do not know how to show it to you. They are angry about their past. Your step mom and dad have enough in common to be attracted to each other. I am not saying they are bad, I am saying they did not receive love and do not have the ability to give it. If they focus on money, they think money is the important thing-- what do they know?

    Your mom's illness brought out too much fear in your dad, he couldn't handle it. You did great, you are a wonderful woman. Do not think of yourself as a victem, I love the lawyer route.

    I would not say they are your support system, so, you need a support system. Be happy to make changes in how you relate to them. Keeo it simple. Say, " sorry, I have a different belief than you do." no discussion. don't even comment on their so called being selfish. They are trying to prttect themselves in the only way they know.. They can't learn new ways unless they are open. You can branch out, find love in other ways. Expect zero from them. Sending love to you. Leila
    Leila deurell
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