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i'd really like a hug ...

babyruthbbabyruth Posts: 260
i'm just a bit bummed and think a massive hug, and perhaps maybe even a concurrent eensy weensy teeny tiny bit of chocolate, might make me feel even better. just make sure your M&Ms melt in your mouth and not on the back on my pajamas :)

here's the deal. i recently qualified for canada disability pension (canadian equivalent of US Social Service Disability) on my first try so that was great. i am on LTD from work also. i am having a bit more difficulty with the retirement on medical grounds. they might have an answer for me next week. and i was just thinking, which i tend to do on occasion (lol)... if i am granted retirement of medical grounds, this will create somewhat of a psychological dilemma, conundrum, paradoxical insoluble for me.

aside from dealing with chronic pain from four lumbar spine surgeries, as well as severe osteoathritis, i will then have to deal with ACCEPTING the fact that my CAREER is OVER.

i spent 13 years in university now it seems it was all for naught. a useless waste of the time, effort, sacrifice and heartache, not to mention financial commitment. i was first licensed in 2002, and have been on disability since february 2007. that's about 5 years of licensure. :( further, with more than 15 years of potential years in the work force being flushed down the toilet i would then have to cope with the reality of being a pathetic blob slobbin' it on the couch watching re-runs of the brady bunch whilst eating spoonfuls of peanut butter straight out of the jar. (it's the hydromorphone ... really ....). i think the brady bunch is contraindicated with dilaudid. maybe i'll wean myself ever so slowly on to gilligan's island instead even though i've heard gilligan's island can sometimes cause explosive diarrhea.

how do i deal with a new life COMPLETELY different from what i have been living.

i just feel useless and guilty i suppose, a non-contributing member of society. ho hum ... oh bother


  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 5,476
    I went through the same feelings and thoughts and I know how you feel.

    I'm not as academic as you...:) so I just put one foot in front of the other and do what I was told all day. :) LOL...But I know whatever we do..it is like a grieving process..the old me for the new me.

    The readjustment is a reoccurring thing for me..not once and for all..but so much easier...about 3 years into the full disability.

    Thankfully our worth isn't in what we do but just by being. I know many women who have full college educations..careers..and worked short time to take care of kids at home.

    Lucky kids to have such well rounded mom to raise them. "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world."

    And for your time in the work force..you probably have no idea how you touched peoples' lives.

    So, whoever interacts in your life gets the awesome benefit of your experiences. Nothing is ever wasted...even when it doesn't make sense right away.. or ever. :)

    And a little chocalate is always a good thing! :)
    Spine-Health Moderator
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

  • Know your feelings ~X( . Been on disability (USA) for about 6 years. That didn't bother me as much as the fact that I wasn't and still am unable to do what I wanted to do. I now have to do what I NEED to do. It is not easy. My issues both structural and with chronic pain are cervical. Doesn't matter. Being disabled is the pits. I was very active and now my comfort zone from pain are my meds, my ice packs and my recliner. There are days that I am able to do small amts of activities. Usually ANY type of movement of my neck triggers the "Pain Button". Pls don't beat up yourself for what you are and what you are going through. Believe me, it is a hugh change. Savage said it correctly when he compared this change to a grieving process. You have lost the old you ... now let's focus on getting the new you the best that you can be!!! We are all hear to listen. We all understand because we all are on the same journey, in one way or another. Wonder if Forrest Gump has anymore chocolates he could share :D . Pls keep us posted.

    Rassy's Story
    Under House Arrest Without the Ankle Bracelet :-)
    The remarks I make are strictly my own based on my personal experiences.
  • I've read and re-read your post. And ate chocolate. Thank goodness we celebrated Valentine's Day for there was lots of chocolate exchanged. It is difficult to re-invent yourself, especially when you don't know just what is ahead and how much you can do. Maybe we need to keep notes and suggestions on how to start anew. I'm not a tv fan but I am a solitaire fan and I know when I'm down and unable to do anything, I play solitaire. I do keep sort of a diary to record what I have done to help keep me focused on goals. One goal for me: do my PT exercises every day for a minimum of 20 minutes. You know, to be a great hockey player takes a lot of practice so I figure I need to put in more time and effort in my workout if I am ever going to achieve my goal because it isn't going to happen without some work on my part. And then the chocolate tastes even better.
  • The Brady bunch? Marsha geting hit with the football always made me feel beter,

    Gilligan island hmmmm ginger is rrrrrrr hot,

    Just wait untill you find yourself watching re runs of Jerry Springer, Thats when life has changes as we knew it, Go Jerry Go Jerry!

    Especialy when you realize many of your family members are on the show ! Thats when you realize hey i guess my life could be worse lol

    Flexicore ADR 2004 resulting nerve damage l4l5 Fusion 2006 same level, 2009 hardware removal with lami !
    2012 scs implant ,
  • >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D<

    I understand what you are saying. It is very difficult to admit that we are disabled. My career is over as well, although I don't have the education you have. One thing that helps me is that I found a work-from-home job where I only spend 1-2 hours per day working. I can do this a few minutes at a time, and if I am not up to working one day, it doesn't matter. Still helps me to feel like I have some worth, and stimulates my brain. With your education, you could probably find something small such as this. We all spend a few minutes at a time on the computer. There is no way I can return to a regular work environment, but this job is perfect for me.

    As for television, I love Gilligans Island!
    I just started watching a series called Prison Break. VERY INTENSE! I have it set to record and it comes on every day. DVR is great--skip the commercials and watch it when you want to. Check out Prison Break. Although sometimes I do get a little worked up and feel it in my neck.
    Surviving chronic pain one day at a time, praying for a reprieve because living another 40 years like this doesn't sound too fun!
  • I graduated in 1995 from high school and then spent 7 years in college working on a 2 year Associates degree program to work with children with disabilities. It's all I've ever wanted to do-work with children. It took me 7 years but I did it. I graduated. But then my spine problems came back (I've had 2 spinal fusions, a tumor removed from my spine, and a tethered cord release all before the age of 13) and everything has steadily gone down hill.
    I understand about trying to maintain a "life" (and I use that term loosely) and live with all health issues at the same time. It can be overwhelming. It can rock your world. BUT one thing that I keep in mind at all times is that I'm worth it. The following is from a friend. I hope it helps.
    A friend just posted this and I wanted to pass it on... A well-known speaker started off his seminar holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this." He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it...?" Still the hands were up in the air. "Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. "My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We may feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special-Don't EVER forget it." You may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it may bring. Count your blessings. Serenity
  • Very nice, Its a perfect way to assure ourself that just because we are injured dont change anything about our worth,

    Actualy some of us are worth even more in value who have hardware put in our spine,

    Have you seen the price of metals on our stock exchange?

    A penny now costs 7 cents to make, This was a report on tv news and how we might have to replace the metals used to make usa coins,

    Now what does that have to do with self worth? I have no idea,

    But all i know is the fusion hardware they removed out of my spine that i kept and have siting around soon will be taken to the pawn shop and i can finaly buy that dream home i always wanted,

    If i can remove the artificial disc from my l4l5 i can also put in a pool,

    Flexicore ADR 2004 resulting nerve damage l4l5 Fusion 2006 same level, 2009 hardware removal with lami !
    2012 scs implant ,
  • My ancient Ferguson TV slipped into unconciousness last August and all attempts at bringing it round failed, so, having given it the last rites, me and my neighbour manhandled it (weighed about a ton) onto a skip (UK equivalent to a dumster, I think), which a niaive builder (probably Polish and unfamiliar with our customs) had conveniently left in our street so that everyone within a mile who had junk to get rid of could secretly fill it up at night at no cost to themselves(that is why he left it there isn't it?)
    Someone promised me they had a spare TV in their bedroom they didn't use and which I was welcome to have etc., etc.
    Well the TV never materialised and by about the end of October I decided to "buy"(don't you hate that word?) a new one. Then I realised I didn't actually miss having a TV so there was no need. I did miss it at first. You know, turn it on, sit down, watch it, two hours later, wake up.
    So I no longer have a TV and guess what, life is so much more interesting without it. I'm reading more (actual books), doing more things, like cooking, researching on the computer, visiting people (I do so hate it when they leave their TV's on during the visit, don't you?)and I just love casually throwing into the conversation... "of course I don't have a TV myself..." and then watching their expressions of horror and admiration.
    What I'm trying to say is don't condem yourself to a life of TV drudgery just because things have changed. Treat your changed circumstance as a new challenge to be conquered.

    I'm not young enough to know everything - Oscar Wilde
  • Good for you, Many times i said i will toss both tv,s out the window and even the computers to get back to the old ways,

    We get so consumed with cell phones, tv computer instead just turn the lights off and put candle light and listen to things around you,

    I have done it a few times and its a good feeling but my gf is addicted to mobster housewives so tv and computer always back on before i know it.

    Hey is that dumpster still out there? I need to dump some stuff and i aint paying for it thats for sure,

    I remember i canceled cable tv few years ago, I said why am i paying even to watch tv and even when i am paying for cable i still have to watch comercials? Are you kiding me,

    I can see having to watch comercials on free television with antena because i am not paying for it,

    I kept the antena and did without cable for about 2 years. I was so proud of myself and i saved money, But of course gf made me get cable back on for exchange of sex,

    What can i say, I am only human,

    Everyone needs to try at least a few days pretend you dont have power in the house and do without it all together, Its like you are camping out in your own house. Lol

    Flexicore ADR 2004 resulting nerve damage l4l5 Fusion 2006 same level, 2009 hardware removal with lami !
    2012 scs implant ,
  • alexhurting said:
    The Brady bunch? Marsha geting hit with the football always made me feel beter,

    What about when Marcia's hair went green? lol. Didn't Davey Jones have to take her to the prom?

  • I'm on CPP and LTD and didn't have to give up my job. I just put the day I stopped working. I guess I kind of believed I would someday get back to work but for me after 4 years I don't think I will and will apply for my hospital pension soon and then will have to give up my job when my free accrual to my old age pension runs out.

    The one thing that really helped me accept this is that I contributed to a good job for so many years and did well at what I did for a career. Hugs. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • thanks so much you guys. your comments are truly appreciated. yes savage i agree, it is a grieving process that continues to run its course :( . and as you say, rassy it's good not to beat ourselves up, as our bodies have been beat up enough. no need to get beat up twice. you really make me laugh sometimes alex, i think we'd get along quite well with similar senses of humour, each trying to one-up the other. i'll bet people couldn't stand us together in one room for too long. i think if you agreed to be my straight man it would work just fine. wink, lol. =))

    i've never seen prison break cindy ... it reminds me too much of work .... i worked in a federal maximum security prison. just the thought of it having the word "prison" in part also reminds my of what WAS when i was a contributing, healthy, capable and respected professional. i have really caught on to criminal minds though. really diggin' morgan (or maybe it's just his butt?) :? @) i've also found myself a great website where you can download jigsaw puzzle and i love it saultup, it keeps my brain active and at the same time i have fun. maybe we should send eachother chocolate, eh? i've been falling more and more in love with dark chocolate, but if i get the milk chocolate stuff i won't turn it down :D i try not to watch tv too much mick, because there is so much more out there. sometimes i do not succeed as much as i like, i have nights where there are a few shows back to back.

    you know serenitychic, you gave me some food for thought about us being "worth it" even though we are no longer working. i have read your response and i really am touched by your words. it resonates with me for some particular reason which is unknown at this time. i will let it perculate for a while.

    and as alway charry it is nice to hear from you. perhaps one day canadians will rule this site! the world! the universe! oops, mnever mind, i just got carried away for a sec there. 8>

    interestingly i had a brutal night of pain a few nights ago where i only got about 2.5 hours of sleep. for a few minutes there i did not feel guilty. i felt a little bit angry thinking to myself that i wish that for those who don't truly understand - "let you have this pain, let you feel this day in and day out, let's see how you like it"!! then i went back to feeling guilty about not getting up for work ... NOT ... the sad thing though is ... kinda

    forgot to mention the PM messages from ron and tony ... thanks guys.
  • what is your education in? I think with your education and experience you should be able to still use it somehow and that would bring you a sense of purpose. Don't lose yourself. That is the last thing medical practitioners want you to do. I understand you can't work and thats why you are on disability but what if you could consult? or write? Or anything like that. See what you can do. You might be surprised and if its not in your field, reinvent yourself. I believe there is something you can do. Just not in the traditional setting and with deadlines looming. I hope you find something but sending you a hug anyway :)
  • Sorry to hear about this. I lost my career due to spinal cord injury and I felt the same. Eventually I forced myself to look into other things that could help people and help me helping them. There are still things you can do--don't sell yourself short. You have a new life so look into things that may interest you that you didn't have time to do while you had a career. Volunteering can be very rewarding for some but maybe not what you want. Life is too short-- start living again. Keep in touch I would like to know how you are doing.
    Been there.

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