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Comments

  • I felt sad reading your post and think I understand your position. He might be feeling a lot of things that he's embarrassed to discuss with you. I can't tell you how to hang on because I don't know, But what he probably (might) need from you is to simply be patient and try to understand that if he is taking medication he may not even be able to be intimate (in a sexual way). I'm female, so of course I don't know and couldn't be certain even if I were male. But just from hearing other people discuss this topic over the years I can only assume that this might be one issue.

    As a chronic pain patient myself I can say that it's really difficult for me to be totally open & honest with people in real life about how pain has/is affecting me. He might even be afraid of losing you if he spills everything. Again, I can't be sure, but I do know that it can't be easy on the other side of this. We care, take care of you.
  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 5,941
    That's thoughtful of you to try to enter his world. Onthis site...there are a couple of "letters" that may help you understand.

    One is the "Spoon Theory" and the other, "A Letter to Normals".

    They kind of explain chronic pain and the effect on everyday life.

    Hope that helps maybe as a jumping off point for the two of you to have a discussion.

    You can be supportive, but obviously can't "fix" anything..not even the depression. The depression often accompanies chronic pain.

    From my experiences ... one of the best things you can do is continue to take care of yourself...physically, emotionally,..all that.

    You mentioned the relationship a "one day be amazing" although you have been together a considerable time now. "One day" is really here already. Not all people can handle it as the chronic pain has some things that are kind of predictable to experience.

    Maybe if you talked with someone..counselor... re' your situation for "what to expect". Not all people are able to "deal"

    Best of luck to you!
    Sue
    Spine-Health Moderator
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

  • you will never understand what he is going through just like he will never understand what its like to have a child {or PMS!} . but unlike the last two examples they are both normal .back pain will floor a 16 stone rugby player as easy as it will a 7 stone woman .back pain can be so severe it requires narcotics and major surgey .and unlike the back pain that many adults get and is cured with a few days of work and a few paracetamol .chronic back pain is a much more serious condition .and believe me when he says he is in pain HE IS IN PAIN .unfortunately it takes a very patient partner to cope with a long term illness .and that what it is .all you ca do is be there and support him
    tony {UK}
    1997 laminectomy
    2007 repeat laminectomy and discectomy L4/L5
    2011 ALIF {L4/L5/S1}
    2012 ? bowel problems .still under investigation
    2014 bladder operation may 19th 2014
  • What an emotional ride! I try daily to understand what he is going through....I reaf forums like these, I read letters and articles about chronic pain (thank you Savage for your suggestions) but it is a daily struggle for me as well. He shuts down, I have asked if we can talk but he says he doesn't know what to say. I just NEED him to express some sort of love to me once in while, be it a passionate kiss, laying in bed and sharing how we feel for one another, something, anything. I just feel he is so shut down. Our "relationship" consists of a hug and a couple simple kisses once or twice a week. Is this the result of debilitating chronic pain or is this who he is in a relationship. I don't know. I don't understand why, if I'm the one thing that doesn't suck in his life right now, why he can't reach out and put forth some effort. I feel like I'm alone in this relationship. :-( I'm trying, I really am! Thank you!

    Am I being selfish? :-/
  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 5,941
    ...selfish. Relationships so difficult under the best of situations.

    Hope you have people in your life who know the two of you for more personal support to you both.

    Sometimes even without the pain issues..we each have different expectations and ideas of contentment, let alone happiness.

    Pain or not...we all long to be connected to others. That's why this site is so awesome..the connection. And even though we share chronic pain.. we are individual with thoughts and opinions and life experiences.

    My being able to share who I am and get feedback is fuel for my heart as well as helpful for my caring for my health and general my well being.

    When I am most depressed, I withdraw and those who know me..they will "check on me". You know like.. how you doing? missed you lately..hope you're well..

    For me, that is life giving and may be the little nudge I need to see and do something about the depression I slipped into.

    I don't know if your partner is depressed, but that is my guess for someone not "connecting"

    Of course I'm not doctor or therapist and chronic pain can take on a life of its own..differing stages...etc...You may not be able to take care of yourself in this kind of situation and that does not mean you fail...just not a match.

    Or choosing to hang in there and work for the best, take care of yourself also. Don't get lost into the disease that is not yours. Find your happiness and keep your heart filled since the relationship seems to take more at this time than to give to you right now.

    Hopeing for the best for you both!

    Sue
    Spine-Health Moderator
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

  • I'm the man that you're in love with. Well, not exactly, but I'm in his position. I know EXACTLY how he feels - We may not have the same issue or the same severity, but I can totally relate.

    I too feel I'm a fraction of the man I once was. Back pain can cause all sorts of emotions in the sufferer.

    Sometimes I notice me not acting like myself and I think, "Wow, if she loves me now, she would have really loved me when I was normal". My fiance` puts up with a lot out of me. One of my biggest struggles is doing things - "Things" could be anything - Hanging blinds, doing house work, dishes, laundry. Some days I feel like doing nothing but laying on the floor, all day long.

    Without spilling myself to you, the point I'm trying to get at is this-

    If you truly love this man and you want to be with him, just support him no matter what he does. If he feels like doing chores that day, great. If he feels like laying in bed all day long, not so great, but love him. It's hard for us sufferers to feel like we're "worth it" to you guys. Sometimes I feel like I'm dragging my woman down and she'd be better off without me. I know, that's a poor way to think, but again I'm a shade of what I once was.

    Try and let him understand that he is "worth it" to you. I'm not depressed, but I definitely have self worth issues. My woman deserves nothing but the best and sometimes I have trouble giving her my best. I'd rather her be happy and without me rather than miserable with me. I love her very much.

    I do not know how bad your boyfriends problems are. I do know that everyone is different in the way they handle pain. A friend of mine is a neurological psychologist. He explained to me once that I'm rather rare in the fact that I'm not depressed. A lot of people struggle with depression. The sufferer must hold on to hope of better days or they can easily become depressed. If I personally did not have hope, I could see myself going down hill fast. Luckily medicine and exercise has enabled me to manage my pain "ok". It has not made much better, but I've managed. In the past 2 months my lumbar pain has gotten worse and again I've been a shade of who I once was.

    Back pain like any chronic condition that has pain can quickly take control of someones life. Mine most definitely has controlled a good portion of my life. I wish the best for both of you. Again, if you love him, do your best to support him. It might even take you doing leg work for the relationship (like you're already doing). I know it cannot be easy on you. Best wishes, CJ
  • I don't know why, but on my computer it looks like the original post for this is blank... Is it like that for anyone else? Or was it deleted on purpose?
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