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Completely Heartbroken

ldavis2333lldavis2333 Posts: 108
edited 06/11/2012 - 9:01 AM in Depression and Coping
I need to adjust to the reality that life as I knew it is gone forever. Since I lost my job in 09 I feel like I have lost my identity. I worked in Healthcare such as Insurance Appeals in Hospital, Rehab and Spine Center. I went back to work in Nov. 08. My Supervisor's attitude had become very negative before I left. I knew it was going to be an uphill battle. I had a cervical fusion with rods and screws. I returned 8 weeks after surgery and all of us here know, I was still in a lot of pain. Bottom line, I took the blame for something Medical Management dropped the ball on. I was so angry and hurt for a long time because I loved my job and I was good at it. All it takes is a personality change and I became a target. I have since accepted I would have not been able to keep up with it. I was in too much pain. Friends are friends while they see you. Life has moved on without me.

This recent surgery has been the frosting on the cake. My relationship with my family is also gone as I knew it. They don't call because they don't know what to say and it is too painful for them to listen. We have not been able to maintain the maintenance on our property and it is in bad shape. My husband is Disabled and we are both on SSI and we are not able to clean the house very well. It has gotten to the point that my family refuse to visit because it upsets them to see how I am forced to live. They don't call anymore and have pretty much shut me out so they don't have to feel bad or guilty. I do have family with the skills needed to make my house more livable but, I don't have any money to pay them. Our bathroom floor is caving in from water damage and it is dangerous. My husband is scheduled to see an Orthopedic Surgeon on 4/8/12 for a total knee replacement. He is diabetic and has a bad ulcer on his foot and the leg and foot are turning black. My gut feeling is that he is going to lose the leg from the knee down. I have already fallen down the stairs several times. My most recent fall was 2 weeks after lumbar surgery. We have to go into Housing and at the very least make the floor safe.`It makes me sick to my stomach knowing my own family refuses to help us.

I can not take any more stress. Stress is wearing me down to the ground and the depression is eating me up. I am seeing a Therapist and on anti-depressants. In a situation like this, there isn't enough medication to take any of this away. It has also made it a living hell in getting pain medication.

I have in the past attempted suicide. It doesn't scare me anymore than a life filled with pain and hurt. I made promise to my daughter and husband that I would not do it again. I came very close to not being here. I can't hurt them like that. There is no end in sight and I am very afraid for myself. Sorry post is so long and I didn't offend anyone. :(


  • Its never easy, I think many of us had to walk away from family because sometimes they dont have the ability to understand the complication we run in to with pain condition,

    It might be posible to reach out to some church groups and in some cases contractors donate there time helping people make home safer when they see they dont have the finacial resources, Bathroom foor is a fast fix few hours by a profesional,

    I was a contractor before i became disabled, Contractors always have left over materials and will donate a litle time and material for a good cause,

    Dont let family drag you down its not worth it, You need to move foreward with whats going on and forget the past and the hurt that family can bring upon you,

    Best wishes and hang in there,
    Flexicore ADR 2004 resulting nerve damage l4l5 Fusion 2006 same level, 2009 hardware removal with lami !
    2012 scs implant ,
  • Dear Heartbroken,

    I feel your pain and hurt. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. My family doesn't want to listen to my complaining or give me support. I too, think that I would be much happier in heaven but I worry would I be in more pain and is their pain meds? I live alone and sometimes my phone does not ring for 5 or 6 days I have to check it to see if it works! lol. Thank god I have pets who love me.
    I get calls from my dad asking how are you darling? I say Im in pain and he says why would you be in pain? WTF dad, I broke my back have had 3 operations but why would I be in pain??? Gezzz.

    Have you asked your'e family for money? I'm praying for your husband.

  • I have contacted every agency in MA that I know of. None of the State Agencies do it anymore because of the economy. How would I approach a Contractor? I have not been involved in the Church. I would think they would want to know if I was a member. I would go to Church if I could. I am just not able at this time.

    Like everyone else here, I love my family with all of my heart. If there was anything in my power I could do for them I would not hesitate. They have a lot to cope with in their own lives. They have given us money I could not pay back. They have done some work for me. When all is said and done, I feel it's being held against me. They told me they thought I didn't appreciate it. It would break my heart to see any one of them with half of my problems. The difference is that I have experienced so much hardship that I could never abandon them. I don't feel needed or even wanted. I've been seeing this coming for a long time. Being so isolated, there is no one to talk to about it. My husband is too close to the situation.

    I have seen so many people feeling like I do. I know you understand and I really appreciate your wisdom. The hurt is just unbearable and I can't keep it all in anymore.



  • I have been a member here for a few yrs now and have read quite a few posts that made me sad for the person. Quite honestly yours is just heartbreaking! I am SO very sorry that your family/friends are acting like this :hug:

    Please know if you just need an ear to vent to I will be here for you. If you want to talk about stuff you don't want to post I will send you my email address.

    I won't say I "know" what your going through, as each of our situations are different to some degree.

    I too walk this path of life since my injury alone - except for the wonderful people here at SH.

    I don't mean to be nosy or pushy but I am wondering if you & your husband have considered giving up your home and going to live in the apartments for people with health issues?

    I can't believe his foot is turning black and the Dr is not seeing him until April!

    I will be keeping both of you in my prayers & thoughts.

    PLEASE post when you can and let me know how your doing - I truly do care :hug:

    L1 - S2 "gone" useless in 1 way or another. DDD. RA. Bone Spurs. Tons of nerve damage/issues. Stenosis. Both knees replaced. 50 yrs old. I had a great fall (hence my user name) at age 41 and it has been a domino effect every since.
  • I know what you mean about the phone calls. I think when I acknowledge to myself that the call is not coming. My mom calls every few days, if not I call her. I keep as much as I can to myself and she sees throw it. I told her the other day that I am just so hurt over my family and how they just totally avoid me and don't want to think about it. They all say they love me and I guess that makes them feel better. I got a call from my sister this afternoon because my Mom told her I was upset. This is my new reality and it totally sucks.

    I have a Mini Dachshund that was totally neglected for the first 9 months of his life. To see how much this tiny little dog loves me always makes me feel better.

    There are so many of us out here. Seeing our lives being taken away and replaced with pain really is incomprehensible. I wish there was a better way to communicate. I need to b e here. I need people who know how I feel. I have so much experience and would help anyone in need.

    Hope things get better for you too.:)

  • Your story hits home, but I want you to know that there are many many people here who care, and we will listen even when your own family doesn't want to hear it.

    We live our pain every moment of every day, and I have come to realize that the people who love me don't know how to make things better for me, so they feel helpless and then tend to stay away. Friends don't like to see others suffering. They don't know what to say to make it better, or how to talk to us. I know that I want people to talk to me the way they did before my injury, because I am still a whole person, not just a person with spine issues. I want them to talk to me about the movie they went to see, or what their kids are doing, or where htey went shopping, or whatever is going on in their life. Instead, they just want to ask how I am feeling that day, not really wanting to know the answer. I think many of us are in this same situation.

    One thing that I have found helps is for me to invite my friends or family over to talk, making the subject of my health is off limits unless I bring it up.

    For a long time when people would ask what they can do to help, I would tell them nothing. It made me feel bad to admit that I couldn't do things myself. I had to let go of some of that pride and ask for help directly. Dropping hints didn't work. Once I learned to ask (within reason) for the things that I need, I found people in my own circle of friends who could help.

    There are church organizations who would be glad to help, even if you are not attending their church. They may want you to listen to their message, but most people just want to help make the life of someone else better. Also, have you tried your local senior citizens center. I don't know your age, but since you are both on disability, there may be people at teh senior center whom could help you.

    Do you have any hobbies? Spring is soon to come and gardening could be therapeutic. I'm sure you can't do much physical, but if you could get someone to prepare your soil, you could possibly plant something and watch it grow. It is very therapeutic to take care of garden plants.

    I just want to say don't give up. It is difficult to learn to love the new person you've become, but that is normal for all of us. Just keep fighting through. Tomorrow will be a better day.
    Surviving chronic pain one day at a time, praying for a reprieve because living another 40 years like this doesn't sound too fun!
  • I have tried so hard to be in denial and have not wanted to see these changes. Right before I had the cervical fusion C3-C7 with rods and screws, there was a big fall out in my family and it took a long time to accept it and it was very painful. I had to let a lot of it go or lose my relationship with my family. I finally got to a place where I could spend time with them and be comfortable. Once I lost my job after the fusion and started having chronic pain again with my lumbar spine to the point that I could barely walk, I started noticing that they stopped calling. When I did talk to them, they kept bringing it up even when I didn't want to talk about it. Then I noticed that they didn't want to see me because they would see what was happening to me. I really feel like I am mourning he person I used to be and I don't like what I see in the mirror.

    Unfortunately, my bathroom is so bad that I don't want anyone using it. They know that and use it as an excuse not to see me. I have a sister 5 minutes up the street who won't even stop by for a half hour to say hello.

    Spring is coming and my husband and I love to garden. We've been doing it over 10 years now. Gardening is one thing we put up with the conditions of the house because neither one of us can bear to leave it. I also learned to make jewelry several years ago and I love it. I am not able to do much of it now and I look forward to it. God willing we will be able to do it this year. My husband is also going in for surgery and I am praying he doesn't lose his left leg from the knee down. I will find out next week.

    Didn't mean to be so long winded. I have not been able to discuss these things with anyone who truly understands. I don't feel so alone as I did. Thank you, Lorraine
  • My heart goes out to you and your husband. I am so glad that you have come to spine health. Although all of our stories are different, we all get each other, in a way that people who are not experiencing chronic pain cannot understand.

    Please reach out to local churches or disability/senior resources. As cindy said, the church groups may want to talk to you for a while, but this also may be beneficial having someone to listen/talk to in person.

    Will you be seeing your husbands surgeon next week to find out what they are going to do? Please have someone look at his leg asap if it hasn't been seen since turning black.

    You are both in my thoughts and prayers.

    Big gentle >:D<
    >:D< >:-D< : Karen
    L3-S1 herniation and bulges, stenosis, mod facet,ddd,impinged nerves,coccydinia
    discectomy/lami July 2011-unsuccessful
    adr L5-S1 Feb 2012
  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 5,476
    Your situation very much could be my story and I am so sorry for the pain you are in...physically, emotionally, mentally, all of it.

    I too thought I became a nothing without work..had no hobbies..loved my work. It took awhile but I am now so much further along with understanding that my identity has nothing to do with my work..that was a role..if you will..that now I am not good at...but my identity as a child of God..a human Being..not Doing..is good, too.

    Sometimes others can be refreshed by talking with someone like you and me... who are not overly involved in activities. You and I can still talk about our life lessons in a way that may give different perspective to our kids, friends and others that walk into our life. We can still encourage others.

    For me, I can't imagine what it is like for my friends and family..because I must say..if I was not living this chronic painful life..I, too, would find it very difficult to believe.

    Re' help with the house..most areas have some sort of human resource center...for assisting those who are disabled. I am still able to care for my little studio apt and bathe, etc.. but I had a social worker reach out to me to ask what kind of help do I need ..like cleaning, food, someone to drive to errands or doctor.

    She gave me a list of resources for when I need them. The social worker became involved through my therapist...who is such a huge help to me.

    I was glad to read you have a therapist and maybe she can help you with contacts to get routine maintenance and care.

    And also, you would not need to be a member to get assistance from a church. Especially the churches that have youth groups. They look for opportunities like you describe. Getting a good cleaning with organization and social worker contacts to help maintain may help tremendously.

    It's so good you posted.As you..I have a bent to depression and it is so important for the "reality check" from others and hear of options or different perspectives. There is always hope...always hope for a surprising relief of some of your stress..a person to enter your life who does a good job at understanding and sharing life.

    You will be in my thoughts and I look forward to hearing how things progress for you and even if things remain the same or, God forbid, deteriorate.. you have me and others here at SH wanting to walk along side of you..do life together..as this is definitely a safe and hope filled place.
    Spine-Health Moderator
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

  • Your story is a blueprint of many here and much is going on in your life at the moment, adapting to this is not easy we all feel that grief and loss of who we once were. We are here to help you and will try to be encouraging supportive and listen to your issues.

    Give yourself time to learn about the new you, we all concentrate on what we miss, working can become who and what we are, how we are measured by ourselves and in our community. I am supported by a charity who cater to what I need, it is part of my support network.

    Come and talk to us anytime, my own son has lower limb issues on both legs, people just did not know what to say so stayed away also, for fear of saying the wrong thing I understand your concerns.

    Take care. John
  • Thank you for your support. I'm going to go with him. He is a very difficult patient. I can feel his fear. I will have to medicate myself. I don't know how to handle all of this. My life has been a tough one but, it's getting to be too much. I just missed a step again and balance is getting worse. I need to find some joy in life soon.
  • There are Angels Among Us. I received an anonymous email yesterday offering assistance to help fix my bathroom. I was really so stunned, I was speechless. One of the things I am having a very hard time with is finding the value of my own life. I don't feel needed or even wanted especially, by my family. To think a total stranger would reach out to me has helped to renew my hope in the human race. My nephew has volunteered to do the plumbing for us. I postponed my surgery in the hope of getting the bathroom fixed and couldn't hold out any longer. Needless to say, this is going to be a HUGE relief for us.

    Being so isolated for so long makes it uncomfortable to share so much of myself so publicly. The community here at SH is really my lifeline right now. Your support means so much to me.
  • Take your time we are here to help, say as much or as little as you wish, we understand. A kind word and deed or even a smile can provide some comfort to us in our moment of need, I feel a bathroom party on the way.

    Helping others makes us feel wanted also.
    Take care John.
  • I am THRILLED for you!!!!!!!! :D

    I want to have a party for you ! :party:

    Maybe this is God's way of saying "hang in there girlfriend" ;)
    L1 - S2 "gone" useless in 1 way or another. DDD. RA. Bone Spurs. Tons of nerve damage/issues. Stenosis. Both knees replaced. 50 yrs old. I had a great fall (hence my user name) at age 41 and it has been a domino effect every since.
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