I need to adjust to the reality that life as I knew it is gone forever. Since I lost my job in 09 I feel like I have lost my identity. I worked in Healthcare such as Insurance Appeals in Hospital, Rehab and Spine Center. I went back to work in Nov. 08. My Supervisor's attitude had become very negative before I left. I knew it was going to be an uphill battle. I had a cervical fusion with rods and screws. I returned 8 weeks after surgery and all of us here know, I was still in a lot of pain. Bottom line, I took the blame for something Medical Management dropped the ball on. I was so angry and hurt for a long time because I loved my job and I was good at it. All it takes is a personality change and I became a target. I have since accepted I would have not been able to keep up with it. I was in too much pain. Friends are friends while they see you. Life has moved on without me.
This recent surgery has been the frosting on the cake. My relationship with my family is also gone as I knew it. They don't call because they don't know what to say and it is too painful for them to listen. We have not been able to maintain the maintenance on our property and it is in bad shape. My husband is Disabled and we are both on SSI and we are not able to clean the house very well. It has gotten to the point that my family refuse to visit because it upsets them to see how I am forced to live. They don't call anymore and have pretty much shut me out so they don't have to feel bad or guilty. I do have family with the skills needed to make my house more livable but, I don't have any money to pay them. Our bathroom floor is caving in from water damage and it is dangerous. My husband is scheduled to see an Orthopedic Surgeon on 4/8/12 for a total knee replacement. He is diabetic and has a bad ulcer on his foot and the leg and foot are turning black. My gut feeling is that he is going to lose the leg from the knee down. I have already fallen down the stairs several times. My most recent fall was 2 weeks after lumbar surgery. We have to go into Housing and at the very least make the floor safe.`It makes me sick to my stomach knowing my own family refuses to help us.
I can not take any more stress. Stress is wearing me down to the ground and the depression is eating me up. I am seeing a Therapist and on anti-depressants. In a situation like this, there isn't enough medication to take any of this away. It has also made it a living hell in getting pain medication.
I have in the past attempted suicide. It doesn't scare me anymore than a life filled with pain and hurt. I made promise to my daughter and husband that I would not do it again. I came very close to not being here. I can't hurt them like that. There is no end in sight and I am very afraid for myself. Sorry post is so long and I didn't offend anyone.