I did something bad today as a Mom. After putting up a brave front of being excited that my daughter got accepted to a college on the other side of the country (after weeks of hearing that she was settled on one in the NE - within 6 hours of home) and listening to her change her mind in front of me - she asked me why I looked so upset. Instead of do what I intended, which was to speak of my terror to my husband in private, I let her know that I am having to strongly consider going on disability (and give up my business) and may need more surgery soon.
My life is a living hell. I am the primary bread winner for our family. (My daughter is always nervous about finances, adding to my pressure.) I co-run a very stressful business in order to do this. I have been working for a solid year in horrible pain, chucking pain pills to make it through the day. I had surgery 6 weeks ago that hasn't helped. (Yes, I am back at work! Only really took one week off. Welcome to small business,) My husband, while supportive in helping me get medical help, get to Drs., been a shoulder, etc. continues to be a depressed, out of work freelancer. I am lucky to have some potential financial help from my mother offered, but leaving work is not simple. I have to get a lawyer, negotiate with my business partner (who I have yet to tell), figure out some kind of replacement for myself, which could take a great deal of time. The repercussions are not pretty & I stand to lose everything I have worked for. My disabiilty policy will not kick in for 90 days and won't come close to covering everything, especially with a child heading off to college. (Now one that may require expensive plane tickets, etc. I can't sit for more than 30 minutes. How am I supposed to see her off at college or visit???)
I'm being told to "grow up" and "put on a happy face" for my kid. I have worked and sacrificed everything for my only child for the past 17.5 years. I love her more than anyone but all of this is too much.
I hope someone out there understands how hard this is and will give me a break.
MY BFF has been through several of back surgeries, etc but has a husband who has supported her financially for years. She has always been able to take the time to heal and get better. I'm not saying she had it easy, but even she has no clue what I am up against.
I wake up every morning dreading the day. Now I feel guilty, crappy and immature.
Thanks for listening to my rant.
Soon to be out of work, poor, empty nester with no real solution to my back problem or pain.