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I'm in agony & so sad

rew950rrew950 Posts: 1
edited 06/11/2012 - 9:02 AM in Depression and Coping
Hello to those who may read this post,

I am new to the forum, but I have been a longtime reader of this website. I am writing today because I have been struggling more than usual & I am scared, feeling sad & depressed even though I should be feeling happier with all of the things happening in my life -- many of which are good.

I am a 11 year sufferer of chronic pain, which has been diagnosed as neuropathic pain since 2010 when my pain, which had been relatively stable between 2006 - 2009, went from a 6 every day to a 7 or 8 every single day, with no relief.
I have been taking Methadone but it is hardly helping any more, and the past week I have been in more intense pain than usual.

But the reason I decided to post on this forum is I am feeling so intensely depressed the past week or so, since my pain has worsened & it feels like the methadone isn't really helping as much anymore.

I am worried I am feeling depressed. I usually try to keep an optimistic attitude but I guess I am feeling more alone than usual, and like I have no where to go or no one to speak to who will understand. I don't know what I need exactly, but I am feeling very scared that the pain meds I have been taking are not working as well, and I am scared that my personal relationship with my boyfriend is beginning to slowly come apart at the seams. I don't know why exactly, but lately he began a new job & I am overwhelmed with my graduate studies and pain, and I feel like I spend 98% of my time alone now because he is putting other things ahead of me as far as his priorities. I know maybe this sounds silly, since I have put up with pain the past 11 years I should be able to deal with anxieties about my relationship, right? I should be stronger than I am... at least that's how it goes in my head.

This man has been the sweetest most incredible and devoted person in my life for the last 2.5 not-so-easy years with my pain changing & everything sort of falling apart with my job, and my professional life. But recently everything is changing so incredibly fast & I am feeling very depressed, with my pain worse & my fears that he is not happy with me (even though I have no tangible reason to fear this). I have started feeling like giving up & letting everything kind of fall down because I am in so much pain I really struggle to care about anything except him, and trying to find some relief. My mind keeps telling me I am not enough for him, he deserves someone else who is healthy & happy, & when I tell him I need more support it seems like he doesn't know how to help. I wish I knew how to explain it to him...

Any advice is welcome. Even if there's not much to be said about the relationship stuff that is OK with me, but advice about coping with the pain & trying not to let my mind & heart feel so much fear because my confidence that I am worth something at all is so low. I feel like the happiness & optimism I have tried to keep with me in the past 2 years since my pain intensified in 2010, has done nothing to help me. I feel very alone & afraid, and I don't know what to do.

Thank you for listening. I wish there was a support group for me in my town, but the closest one is in Portland in North Oregon, whereas I am in southern Oregon & not able to drive 6 hours each way to attend a single support group in the state. But I hope all of this information & my anxieties or depressing feelings aren't annoying or don't upset anyone, I simply need somewhere to go with my feelings so I don't end up frustrated when I try to speak to someone about things & they have no way to help or to understand.

Let me know if any of you have anything you want to share or ideas to suggest, because I could use the support right now.

*If there is any interest in the history of my condition I included some details below -- but this is not needed for responding to the info above, which I posted in order to hopefully find even a little support, if anyone has any to give.

History (for those interested)
I have had 3 surgeries on my back.
* In 2003 I had a less invasive surgery to attempt to reduce the bulging material off the L5-S1 nerve roots, which eventually resulted in a reduction of pain between 2004-2006 (18 months) when I was off medication. The pain didn't come back exactly, it seemed to worsen instead. In '03 I had the surgery because I had dull-aching low back pain, and that was the pain I experienced relief from. But in '06 I began experiencing intense sciatic pain down both legs out of nowhere.
* In 2007 I had a massive flexible-fusion that used no bone or metal rods to permanently fuse my discs, but instead wound-wire cords & screws in my L3-L4 disc to S1, which created a corset-like support system in my back. This improved some of the weakness in my low back as far as not being very strong or sturdy due to degenerative disc disease. However, it did nothing to relieve any of the pain & this surgery may have caused or worsened the nerve damage I was dealing with after the sciatic pain began in 2006.
* In 2010 I was desperate enough to let my pain specialist put in a spinal cord stimulus but it never really helped very much. The pain I am in is worse now than ever & the implant ended up doing nothing to help, only scarring me up more.

I have tried all types of meds & the only thing I've taken that has helped at all since the neuropathic pain became much more intense in 2010, is Methadone. But that seems to be helping less & less these days. I am in so much pain lately I don't know what to do to help myself. I tried PT again & it helped at first but then the minor relief went away again, I know swimming helps sometimes but I often don't feel well enough to go swim at all.


  • i think that with long term illness {and lets face it pain is an illness} you will become insecure and down .medications tend not to work that well after a few years.and you do find yourself on your own with an illness EVEN if you are with some one .i spend 22 hours a day awake and about 18 hours on my own ...its sometimes a will off minds to make yourself do something like swim ..i too like to swim but many time i don't feel well enough to go .so again i know what you are feeling ..i am 4 months ALIF and still feeling unwell and i too have had 2 previous operation on my spine .and been in pain for about 15 years..i don't have any advice but just to say your not on your own ..if that helps ...??
    tony {UK}
    1997 laminectomy
    2007 repeat laminectomy and discectomy L4/L5
    2011 ALIF {L4/L5/S1}
    2012 ? bowel problems .still under investigation
    2014 bladder operation may 19th 2014
  • I totlally empathize with you, emotions of all types emerge when pain enters the picture,

    we become insecure for many reasons and pain simply magnifies those insecurities,

    it is also beneficial to talk to others about our emotions and insecurities, it helps our minds release the mental tension,

    coming to this forum is therapy for many of us because we share our experiences and we know we are not alone in our pain,

    it also helps us to share ideas and tips on how to manage pain,

    although with emotions it is a more complex matter,

    don`t be timid to reach out, in this forum we are all facing the king of pain....spinal....

    and any word of hope or empathy that we may get from others can be beneficial for our state of mind,

    even if it`s for a moment,

    I spend my days crying a lot....

    My mom passed away in feb. my wife told me two weeks later she has been cheating on me for over a year,

    that and my physical pain leave me exhausted every day,

    sometimes i feel like i can`t go on...but i keep trying becuase i love my wife and boys....

    she is not perfect but i forgive her because without her i feel totally disabled,

    I go to work crying from the emotional and physical pain....

    so you could say i`m stuck in physical and emotional pain....

    I practice meditation and sometimes it works...but the mind is difficutl to control when you feel you can`t do anything to change things....(because of my condition)

    for physcial pain i take magnesium citrate to relax the muscles....

    I use no pain medication....

    so basically it means i have to stay home all the time on my heat pad and stretching exercises to get rid of the pain,

    although with emotional pain the situation haunts me day and night,

    I work part time in the mornings and i feel my emotional and physical pain issues are pulling my soul out.....

    I could go on forever speaking about my situation,

    my prayers go out to all....

    you are not alone in your suffering....

    Live to Pray
  • I've been in pain for just over 3 years everyday for every waking moment that I'm not sleeping I think about dying everyday. It doesn't matter to me at times who loves me and who is there for me and how I am still probably better off than others. I just feel so sad and upset that my life has been basically taken away from me from someone else's fault. If that makes me a selfish and ungrateful person so be it. I think many here really know what its like, but just because I can walk around and have all of my body parts does not mean that I am feeling well.
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