Welcome, Friend!

It looks like you're new here. If you want to get involved, click one of these buttons!

Veritas-Health LLC has recently released patient forums to our Arthritis-Health web site.

Please visit http://www.arthritis-health.com/forum

There are several patient story videos on Spine-Health that talk about Arthritis. Search on Patient stories
Protect anonymity
We strongly suggest that members do not include their email addresses. Once that is published , your email address is available to anyone on the internet , including hackers.

All discussions and comments that contain an external URL will be automatically moved to the spam queue. No external URL pointing to a medical web site is permitted. Forum rules also indicate that you need prior moderator approval. If you are going to post an external URL, contact one of the moderators to get their approval.
Attention New Members
Your initial discussion or comment automatically is sent to a moderator's approval queue before it can be published.
There are no medical professionals on this forum side of the site. Therefore, no one is capable or permitted to provide any type of medical advice.
This includes any analysis, interpretation, or advice based on any diagnostic test

Back pain, heavy meds, withdrawals, feeling hopeless

9lives99lives Posts: 1
edited 06/11/2012 - 9:03 AM in New Member Introductions
Hi all, this is my first time ever posting on a forum. I'm losing the plot. I've had 2 L4L5 laminectomies/disketomies - last one was 18 months ago and I've had constant, unbearable pain since then which gets me crying in a heap (if I could actually get in that position), I've been in hospital many times for pain and surgeries and was prescribed morphine for 6 mths after which I went cold turkey off that & everything else they had me on 3 weeks after my 2nd spinal surgery. I was a marathon runner and ran 30 miles a day until my injury. I've been depressed, suicidal, angry, lost all my family, job, friends, house, money over this. I hate taking drugs & I survived the cold turkey thing but it was 3 mths of sheer hell. Noone who hasn't done it can understand so I can't talk to anyone about it because of the biz I'm in - all very professional, drug tests randomly eyc. My scripts have ways beenegal. I have never bought drugs off the street. I got reinjured in January this year and after 5 months of no Vicodin but still ambien (I haven't slept for 2 years and I'm going insane) I was put on OC which I quick stopped. I don't have an addictive personality but I am physically dependent on narcotics and ambien and valium now. If I don't take something for pain I get homicidal. I worry myself half to death. I can't trust myself when I'm in this much pain. I know I can stop the pain by taking drugs but my body is rejecting drugs and I've been suffering horrible side fx. Docs have put me on nucynta which to me is at least as bad as OC. After a week I was so sick, nausea, brain shocks, no sleep, feeling like lead and I wish I was dead, I stopped it. I went back to Vicodin which I also hate because it doesn't remove my pain. My pain doc is also an addiction doc so he's glad I want off all these drugs. Another doc had me on cymbalta and other drugs supposed to kill pain by working on the brain and I stopped 5 pills all at once. I got really sick. Crying for no reason, no sleep of course, anxiety like you wouldn't believe, pain in my back that made me cry, brain shocks where it hurts just to turn my head an inch and walking is dangerous. Cold turkey is how I've got off drugs 3 times and I oh got back on them because of more surgeries or reinjuries. As a marathoner I have a high tolerance for pain but I can't seem to take the back and leg pain - my sciatic nerve is permanently damaged. Since stopping all the drugs incl nucynta I've been suicidal. I have no one in my life who understands. I bail on every social occasion, I've alienated everyone, I've said things I've meant but shouldn't have said. I've spent all my money. I feel like my life is over and I'm 40. No family. I'm just writing here to introduce myself and make myself real because I haven't felt like me for Yeats and I know it's pain plus drugs. Even in withdrawal. I don't know why docs will keep giving different drugs to get you off one they don't like. I don't want any. I've been researching going to a rehab or whatever but I don't want to be around drug abusers. I'm not judging anyone. Hell, I'm not an abuser but I'm a user and I def get the compulsion to take drugs to stop my pain - physical - nothing helps for emotional pain. I'm here on round 4 of withdrawals against medical advice. They tell me I could have a seizure and honestly it would be a relief to not be here anymore. That sounds self pitying and crap but I've been told by everyone I've seen for this injury that I will never run again. Running was my reason to live. It was my sanity thing. I can walk but very step hurts. I "need" the painkillers but I don't want them. I hate taking Valium and ambien too. It's amazing that I'm down to three drugs now from about ten. Btw I've had fentanyl patches, injections into my spine, every drug known to man, acupuncture etc. I've tried everything I've heard of and the only thing that keeps me going is knowledge that people do get off narcotics and benzos. I know some of us have severe pain and I'm always anxious about how bad it will get. Those who take drugs for relief from emotional pain seem to have a different reasoning which I don't understand or judge. But what do those of us in unbearable pain do when we don't want drugs? I have been throwing up, diarrhea, cant eat or sleep etc this time & feeling insane. My skin isn't crawling like off morphine but my bein is exploding with shocks which are horrible. I've had them for over a month due to cymbalta withdrawals. Cold turkey. They got about 50% better then I started nucynta and they came straight back worse than ever. After a week of that I stopped nucynta but the shocks won't stop. Pharmacists tell me maybe a month. It's been a month. I'm annoyed at doctors' approaches to people like me. I can have(have had) a full bottle of hundreds of morphine pills unopened and been in agony after spinal surgery and not touched the bottle. But I'm still treated like a criminal and a drug addict who's bad news to society. I feel shunned and I can't talk to anyone. NA is out of the question. I tried on the phone crisis line but I can't sit down for one hong due to pain and for another they told me I wasn't an addict and since I was taking the drugs for medical reasons ie spinal surgeries I should yay on the drugs. My stubbornness has made my healing really slow and cost me everything. I hate doctors so much it's crazy. I never want to speak to one in my life again. They're full of **** and think they're god. How many of them have actually been thru drug withdrawals? Probably none. I'm angry and I'm venting. I hope you all understand. This is day 2 off nucynta but I'm still on Valium and ambien and have taken Vicodin a few times because the pain literally makes me want to be dead. I am cutting Valium also against docs orders now and the Vicodin is half a pill at night and agin in the morning. I've been told to wean off Valium over six months. That's not acceptable. There is nothing to help is out there. I don't believe in god. I've had so many bad things happen tp me in life that I cannot believe in god. Please noone try to preach. I'm not interested. I am wondering why I'm still alive, why I haven't offed myself yet, when I have nothing and noone to live for. I have a life of pain and restricted activity ahead of me and I don't k Le when I can work again. Being broke doesn't help anyone's spirits. Sorry for the blah blah blah. I needed to vent. I know a lot of you are in constant severe pain and struggle to stay off drugs so I know you relate. That's why I'm here. Noone I know has time for me anymore. When I'm in withdrawals I say and do bad stuff. Noone ever forgives me or realizes its the drugs talking. I guess these people aren't friends. I want to move to another state where noone knows me and start again. I'm nervous to leave these doctors who I hate behind. They know me they know my case. I'd have to start from scratch with someone else and be tested like a criminal all over again. Not everyone who wants to get off drugs got on them for fun or avoidance of a crappy life. Some of us were put on heavy drugs by idiot doctors and we don't want them but we're hooked. The medical system here and the criminal attitude really sucks. It's not like this in Europe. I hope I make it thru to move interstate and get onto life #10 this year. I hope all of you who want to get off can do it. Willpower is key. You have to want it so bad you will ensure indescribable pain and withdrawals that make you wish you were dead, which last for weeks or months, to make it work. Be strong. I wish we could all share an energy wave that collectively would make this easier. 4.30am and I'm not in bed. Typical night. I hate my life. I hate myself for being weak and for feeling so rotten that I took Vicodin two days ago instead of nucynta. I hate hating myself. I was the star of everything until this happened. Sports, business, travel etc. now I'm nothing at all. Humbling for sure. But also I'm really convinced the medical system in the US is terrible. We shouldn't be treated like criminals for wanting to stop using drugs. Doctors should take our calls if we call desperate. The ER shouldn't tie us to the bed ESP if we have a spinal injury where we have to move or it locks down. Noone here understands. I wish I lived in Europe. Thanks for putting up with this depressing introduction. I hope this place will help me find something positive, something worth living for. Thanks. Peace to all of you.


  • Hi 9lives. You'll find many people on this site in your same boat. So keep writing - there is a sort of mind-peace that comes when so many others know exactly what you are going thru. You are not alone. Your story, as heartbreaking as it is, is very familiar to me and most on this site. I'm sorry to read your struggle. Welcome to Spine-Health
  • i know your not going to like this but here it is .fist get yourself to a decent doctor and get your pain sorted out oxycontin {yes i know its a double edge sward but its a good pain killers} after a week of so the side effect go the only thing you will need to watch is constipation and movicol will sort that out } you may need more surgery .so maybe a consultation with a surgeon may be a good idea .i know taking drugs for a long time even life is not an appealing thought .but sometime we have no choice ..going cold turkey is madness and very stressful to to your body ..don't do it again please.basically if you are in constant pain then you need to be on a strong pain killers the oxycontin in the long acting form would more than likely be better for you {i have both the short and long acting version}.i too hate taking drugs but i have to.i am sorry to read about you life problems but many including myself have lost so much ..it goes with the illness {back pain } me .i lost job/wife etc.i am remarried now 14 years but still can't work .and life is still hard .it would be impossible without pain killers ..good luck
    tony {UK}
    1997 laminectomy
    2007 repeat laminectomy and discectomy L4/L5
    2011 ALIF {L4/L5/S1}
    2012 ? bowel problems .still under investigation
    2014 bladder operation may 19th 2014
  • When i read your post i felt like i was you. Depression , never ending pain, not wanting to take medication, active person, taking medication that didnt see to work or work for a short time. I was in the military, martial arts instructor and a person who worked out in the gym 2 hours 4x a week. Then accident flipped my life up side down and then all these medications wasn't doing me any justice. I was up to 13 pills a day just to try to get pain relief, help with depression, anti-acids from all the medication, sleeping bills, never block medication, steroids, not able to work, then when i did work had to go to the hospital because the pain was too much. I too started off with a doctor that seen to not understand or care about what type of pain i was in. I agree with another person post..you need to pain you a good pain doctor. In fact once i found my pain doctor it was he to in a way forced me to start taking my medication. For a while it was try this ...try that...because he wanted to see what was best for me ...what would work and give me relief. We tried just about everything in the book and it didn't make me feel any better mentally. Depression play a huge part in your pain relief. The mind affects the body and how much pain you will feel from one day to another. Then when they gave me sleep medication in addition to all the other medication i was sleep walking (which i have never done in my life), scared my wife and friends. Then i started to give up and drinking. When i gave up and started drinking i feel into deeper depression. I had to get mental help for my depression. After some time i finally realized that taking medication is to help me with pain relief and if i wasn't is so much pain i wouldn't have a need to take any medication. By not taking medication i was enduring more pain than my body could and in turn more than i could mentally handle. It affected what i couldn;t do with my family, friends, social life, ate, slept, and overall enjoyed life. Deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole i went. So i started taking medications as suggested and slowly i started feeling better to a point where pain was not controlling my life nor the center. This doesn't mean that i didnt have a field of bad days it just means that EVERYDAY was not longer controlled by pain. It took years for me to get where i am ....in fact almost 10 years for me to get where i am today. This is after getting some surgeries. Which leads me to my next statement...you might have to consider surgery. I am what i call "the worst case situation" meaning everything that could have gone wrong with my surgeries did. That is about 5-10% chance. Yet i didn't give up. I continue to search and research new relief and so did my doctor. I believe having the right doctor that wants your pain relief just as bad as you do will help. Aqua PT will help you as well. It will get you out of your house, out of your bed, out of that dark room and around people that care about your well-being. It will get you moving and help you during your struggle. Venting.....lots of venting to people who understand you pain and struggles help. Glad to see you are venting...continue to vent. Dont hold it in, let it all out! Accept that this is beyond your control without a little help rather that be medication or/and surgery. Accept and understand that you will never be 100% same BUT your goal is to be get as close as possible. There will always be up and downs in our life from this point on. The things we have to learn and continue to do is how do we move past it and enjoy the other days. As we get older they say it will get worst but i believe how we deal with it now determines how worst we let it get. I stopped fighting not taking medication and accept that it allow me to get on with my life. I now have a pain pump with medication, spinal cord stimulator, screws, rods and cages. I no longer take oral medication and the pump has changed my life. I still have awful days and i am always still in pain, however it is manageable and doesn't control my life. Find another doctor, talk to people, TAKE YOUR MEDICATION, and do what ever you can do to start to enjoy life. If you don't i promise you it will only get worst. We...you ...are the final person that will see things get better or worst....sorry hun. No one will care more than you do because it's your body and your life, however there are other people that care like myself and other people here that are willing to be here for you as much as we can. You have to do your part: Search for what works, find a great doctor, take medication and do research on surgery.
    Good luck and I pray that you get pain relief soon.
Sign In or Register to comment.