Hi all, this is my first time ever posting on a forum. I'm losing the plot. I've had 2 L4L5 laminectomies/disketomies - last one was 18 months ago and I've had constant, unbearable pain since then which gets me crying in a heap (if I could actually get in that position), I've been in hospital many times for pain and surgeries and was prescribed morphine for 6 mths after which I went cold turkey off that & everything else they had me on 3 weeks after my 2nd spinal surgery. I was a marathon runner and ran 30 miles a day until my injury. I've been depressed, suicidal, angry, lost all my family, job, friends, house, money over this. I hate taking drugs & I survived the cold turkey thing but it was 3 mths of sheer hell. Noone who hasn't done it can understand so I can't talk to anyone about it because of the biz I'm in - all very professional, drug tests randomly eyc. My scripts have ways beenegal. I have never bought drugs off the street. I got reinjured in January this year and after 5 months of no Vicodin but still ambien (I haven't slept for 2 years and I'm going insane) I was put on OC which I quick stopped. I don't have an addictive personality but I am physically dependent on narcotics and ambien and valium now. If I don't take something for pain I get homicidal. I worry myself half to death. I can't trust myself when I'm in this much pain. I know I can stop the pain by taking drugs but my body is rejecting drugs and I've been suffering horrible side fx. Docs have put me on nucynta which to me is at least as bad as OC. After a week I was so sick, nausea, brain shocks, no sleep, feeling like lead and I wish I was dead, I stopped it. I went back to Vicodin which I also hate because it doesn't remove my pain. My pain doc is also an addiction doc so he's glad I want off all these drugs. Another doc had me on cymbalta and other drugs supposed to kill pain by working on the brain and I stopped 5 pills all at once. I got really sick. Crying for no reason, no sleep of course, anxiety like you wouldn't believe, pain in my back that made me cry, brain shocks where it hurts just to turn my head an inch and walking is dangerous. Cold turkey is how I've got off drugs 3 times and I oh got back on them because of more surgeries or reinjuries. As a marathoner I have a high tolerance for pain but I can't seem to take the back and leg pain - my sciatic nerve is permanently damaged. Since stopping all the drugs incl nucynta I've been suicidal. I have no one in my life who understands. I bail on every social occasion, I've alienated everyone, I've said things I've meant but shouldn't have said. I've spent all my money. I feel like my life is over and I'm 40. No family. I'm just writing here to introduce myself and make myself real because I haven't felt like me for Yeats and I know it's pain plus drugs. Even in withdrawal. I don't know why docs will keep giving different drugs to get you off one they don't like. I don't want any. I've been researching going to a rehab or whatever but I don't want to be around drug abusers. I'm not judging anyone. Hell, I'm not an abuser but I'm a user and I def get the compulsion to take drugs to stop my pain - physical - nothing helps for emotional pain. I'm here on round 4 of withdrawals against medical advice. They tell me I could have a seizure and honestly it would be a relief to not be here anymore. That sounds self pitying and crap but I've been told by everyone I've seen for this injury that I will never run again. Running was my reason to live. It was my sanity thing. I can walk but very step hurts. I "need" the painkillers but I don't want them. I hate taking Valium and ambien too. It's amazing that I'm down to three drugs now from about ten. Btw I've had fentanyl patches, injections into my spine, every drug known to man, acupuncture etc. I've tried everything I've heard of and the only thing that keeps me going is knowledge that people do get off narcotics and benzos. I know some of us have severe pain and I'm always anxious about how bad it will get. Those who take drugs for relief from emotional pain seem to have a different reasoning which I don't understand or judge. But what do those of us in unbearable pain do when we don't want drugs? I have been throwing up, diarrhea, cant eat or sleep etc this time & feeling insane. My skin isn't crawling like off morphine but my bein is exploding with shocks which are horrible. I've had them for over a month due to cymbalta withdrawals. Cold turkey. They got about 50% better then I started nucynta and they came straight back worse than ever. After a week of that I stopped nucynta but the shocks won't stop. Pharmacists tell me maybe a month. It's been a month. I'm annoyed at doctors' approaches to people like me. I can have(have had) a full bottle of hundreds of morphine pills unopened and been in agony after spinal surgery and not touched the bottle. But I'm still treated like a criminal and a drug addict who's bad news to society. I feel shunned and I can't talk to anyone. NA is out of the question. I tried on the phone crisis line but I can't sit down for one hong due to pain and for another they told me I wasn't an addict and since I was taking the drugs for medical reasons ie spinal surgeries I should yay on the drugs. My stubbornness has made my healing really slow and cost me everything. I hate doctors so much it's crazy. I never want to speak to one in my life again. They're full of **** and think they're god. How many of them have actually been thru drug withdrawals? Probably none. I'm angry and I'm venting. I hope you all understand. This is day 2 off nucynta but I'm still on Valium and ambien and have taken Vicodin a few times because the pain literally makes me want to be dead. I am cutting Valium also against docs orders now and the Vicodin is half a pill at night and agin in the morning. I've been told to wean off Valium over six months. That's not acceptable. There is nothing to help is out there. I don't believe in god. I've had so many bad things happen tp me in life that I cannot believe in god. Please noone try to preach. I'm not interested. I am wondering why I'm still alive, why I haven't offed myself yet, when I have nothing and noone to live for. I have a life of pain and restricted activity ahead of me and I don't k Le when I can work again. Being broke doesn't help anyone's spirits. Sorry for the blah blah blah. I needed to vent. I know a lot of you are in constant severe pain and struggle to stay off drugs so I know you relate. That's why I'm here. Noone I know has time for me anymore. When I'm in withdrawals I say and do bad stuff. Noone ever forgives me or realizes its the drugs talking. I guess these people aren't friends. I want to move to another state where noone knows me and start again. I'm nervous to leave these doctors who I hate behind. They know me they know my case. I'd have to start from scratch with someone else and be tested like a criminal all over again. Not everyone who wants to get off drugs got on them for fun or avoidance of a crappy life. Some of us were put on heavy drugs by idiot doctors and we don't want them but we're hooked. The medical system here and the criminal attitude really sucks. It's not like this in Europe. I hope I make it thru to move interstate and get onto life #10 this year. I hope all of you who want to get off can do it. Willpower is key. You have to want it so bad you will ensure indescribable pain and withdrawals that make you wish you were dead, which last for weeks or months, to make it work. Be strong. I wish we could all share an energy wave that collectively would make this easier. 4.30am and I'm not in bed. Typical night. I hate my life. I hate myself for being weak and for feeling so rotten that I took Vicodin two days ago instead of nucynta. I hate hating myself. I was the star of everything until this happened. Sports, business, travel etc. now I'm nothing at all. Humbling for sure. But also I'm really convinced the medical system in the US is terrible. We shouldn't be treated like criminals for wanting to stop using drugs. Doctors should take our calls if we call desperate. The ER shouldn't tie us to the bed ESP if we have a spinal injury where we have to move or it locks down. Noone here understands. I wish I lived in Europe. Thanks for putting up with this depressing introduction. I hope this place will help me find something positive, something worth living for. Thanks. Peace to all of you.