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if he could only

If only my husband could feel the pain I feel constantly...
The past few days he has treated my like I'm being selfish and lazy.

He really makes me feel horrible for asking him to help me. Not only am I starting to believe that I am just being lazy and need to suck it up but I feel like he is annoyed by me.

I'm sure to some degree he is but I don't ask him for very much help...as an example,
Yesterday morning my one year old accidentally kicked my lower back (l4-l5, l5-s1, t11-12 bulges and spinal stenosis), so all day my pain was at a much higher level. I could not go five minutes without having to adjust myself, so I ended up staying in bed most of the day. Anyways, when he got home from work I asked him if he would help with our son; bath, dinner then put him to bed. Well, he rolled his eyes and complained the rest of the night.
Then this morning he was a total you know what and made me cry before he left for work.

I have told him before that when I ask for help its not because I dont want to do it, but that physically my body wont let me. I would love to be able to care for my son with out having tears in my eyes because I just want to give up and can't take the pain anymore.

Once again I feel hopeless and like a piece of crap. As in maybe I shouldn't ask for help and I'm a terrible mom. I know this isn't true but with the way my husband has been acting I just can't help but wonder sometimes.

I know this is hard for him, I mean we haven't slept together in months. I just physically can't do it anymore. I end up writhing in pain for several hours after.

I don't know how to handle this, any of it. I'm only 22 and feel like I should be out having fun and able.to do things for myself...not stuck inside in bed because I can't move.
I know I need to stay strong for my son. Anyone else been in a situation like this?


  • Your husband sounds like a bully. My husband is a bully and if I were stronger or better off financially I would get out. I found it helped to bring him to my Pain Management Dr. and let him know what I was going through was for real and he needed to step it up and help out. If it's possible try to get someone to help with household chores. I had someone come in and clean a couple of hours every week and it was worth the extra money but now I try to keep up just with a dust mop and dusting but make my husband vacuum and wash the floor. It's not easy when a spouse isn't supportive. I wish there was an easier road especially you're being so young and have a young child.

    It's just wrong you have to bathe your son and do everything when you're in pain. Try to make a big meal and freeze portions like Beefaroni or soups and take it out when you know you're not able to cook. Ask your husband to lift your child in the tub and see if you can do it together.

    Intimacy isn't easy when you're in pain and find that a backrub helps and icing afterwards but that was up until I was 50 and I just don't do it anymore either but I'm a lot older and hormones aren't raging like at a younger age. It's not so romantic when a man yells at you and then expects sweet loving.

    I hope you can get help with a chronic pain support group or with some family help. Never give up and keep looking for a Dr. to help with your pain management. I just found a 4th PM Dr. and trying a different pain med and another hopefully better procedure like a 'nerve burn' for my facet joint pain. Praying you get some better pain relief and for your relationship. Never give up. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • Jerome001Jerome001 Cocoa Beach, FloridaPosts: 118
    My wife is in Florida this week and I'm here with my dog, a Westie, named Moichi - Japanese for "One more" as I had another Westie when Moichi came into my life. The other Westie, Kodak, passed away a few months ago from old age; he was 14 or 15 - I cannot remember which year he joined our family. Although Moichi is great company, he doesn't talk, at least not yet! LOL I was going through the board today and saw your post and thought I would respond. I've gone through stage3 colorectal cancer, surgery, and 6 months chemotherapy which ended up attacking my GI system and I was on disability for about 2 and 1/2 years. During the disability, my wife of over 13 years and I divorced. I was on so many narcotic pain killers I do not know what happened to us but I ended up basically homeless with no assets to my name. Thankfully and fortunately, I am a retired Marine so I at least had my military retirement to live on along with my social security disability. I went from my home and family to be cared for by hospice for a couple of months until my brother talked me into moving in with him and his wife in Florida. Long story short, unbelievably, I beat the odds, my GI system started working again and I came off disability in June 2005. I met a wonderful woman after going back to work and we ended up cohabitating and buying a home together and we got along great. We relocated to get her two sons out of a bad environment and she had to quit her job because of the move and she and her two sons had no medical insurance so we got married and she was covered on mine. Before our marriage, she was great and we never had a cross word. About 6 months after we married, I was layed off because I was "redundant" and my marriage has not been the same. Although my current job pays better than the previous one that I lost, my back problems have come to a head and I'm back on disability again as I am in such absolute pain. My spouse is really cold and quite indifferent to my situation. She wants to be on the go like we used to and I am a major inconvenience to her. I have supported her and her two boys - both out of the house now - since the move in 2007 and she hasn't worked more than 6 months since then. But, she comes across so indifferent and I have frequently had to rely on friends to take me to my surgeries or other medical appointments because she didn't want to help me - it isn't fun basically. When I told her I was going on short-term disability she went through the roof! Never mind I hurt horribly almost all the time. I had to get my daughter to take me back and forth to the hospital for my SCS surgeries (2 so far) and last week she refused to take me to a follow up appointment with my anesthesiologist because she wanted to volunteer at some social event. Anyway, my point is that I can feel your pain and sometimes it is the comments on these boards that help me most of all. After over 7 years of intense pain, numerous doc visits and procedures and multiple prescriptions, I really have nothing to look forward to. My docs have a couple more procedures they want to try before we go to the medicine pump but we are about at the end of options for me. My spouse is in Florida this week visiting family and I'm here taking care of our dog and fending for myself although it is very hard to stand in front of the stove or the kitchen sink for more than a minute or two. For folks like us that post on these boards, I guess it is our self-discipline that gets us going and keeps us going most days. Most days the only reason to get out of bed is so I can take my pain pills to try to help me deal with my pain. I think there are a lot of us here that are in the same predicament. I wish I was better and expect all of us wish that too. Ah, what the heck. Sorry to bore you with my personal sob story but I wanted you to know that some of us "feel your pain" so to speak. You know, if some of us live near others, it would be good to be able to meet face to face and have meetings to share with and lean on each other. Anyway...I hope everyone finds something positive in their life today and every day. My best to all of you, Jerome
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