I am so full of anger & rage right now that I'm not sure what to do with it - my normal personality is fairly laid back, happy go lucky, go with the flow, glass half full, everything works out Pollyanna-ish, but now.... I'm angry about everything!
I'm mad that I'm 33, I've have had major 3 level ACDF surgery leaving a massive scar (over 3 inches) across my neck, and will be having at least 2 more major surgeries (Lumbar fusion probably L2-S1 and at least the right SI joint, possibly both)
I"m angry that I can't sleep in my own bed with the man I love, instead I'm stuck getting what little sleep I can while sitting in a recliner.
I'm pissed off that I've already missed nearly a year of my "normal" life - birthdays, weddings, the births of children to family and friends I love dearly who live in other states. I'm angry that I haven't been able to visit my nearly 90yo grandmother & may not be able to give her a hug again before she passes.
I've lost time at work (and may still lose my job), I've lost promotions, raises, and huge opportunities, vacations, time with friends, family & loved ones. I've lost the ability to live my life on my own terms - I'm not even allowed to drive right now!!! (several weeks post ACDF - I know I'll probably get it back, but still).
I'm angry that I've transformed from an even tempered, happy, positive, confident, cheerful overachiever , to a woman who is a mass of insecurities, & wonders what her boyfriend could possibly see in her gimpy self. I've gone from yoga 5x/wk, ballet isometrics 3x (or more)/wk, walking the dogs 3-5miles most days, working full time, cooking elaborate meals, running all of our errands, keeping the house clean, managing a busy social schedule, etc. This weekend we went to a birthday dinner for a friend on Saturday evening, and I'm still paying for it with pain and meds. I can't walk our dogs - I'm not even supposed to take them out for a quick pee! I've gained 70lbs, I have next to no patience, and while I try to keep telling myself that things are going to go back to normal, I'm terrified that this is my new normal.
I'm also mad that my finances are completely f'd up now - my LTD covers 60% of my income (pre OT, of which I worked about 10-20h/pp), and i have to pay full insurance premiums, etc out of it, so it's more like 35% -40% of my previous income...I have huge medical bills, car payment, rent, etc etc etc - I am blessed with a wonderful, supportive boyfriend, but I'm terrified he is going to decide that this is more than he should have to deal with and will leave - I wouldn't blame him if he did!
I'm hoping that all of this anger and frustration is a result of the surgery & anesthesia, and it will go away soon, but I'm scare that this is what my life will be like from now on.
How do you do it? How do you handle all of the changes in your life? How do you handle the Long Term Disability if you're lucky enough to have it, and still pay for your medical care & rent/mortgage/car payment? How do you fit "fun" stuff into your budget, and how do you determine what your body can handle???
I have a claim pending with the liability carrier for the property mgmt company right now - I have no idea how that will go, but I do know that we won't be able to settle anything until after I've hit max med improvement which could be a few years from now!!!
I guess I just need to know how you all do it - I know some of you have been here & dealing with this for a long time.... how do you keep going & keep your relationship going when you can't be intimate (and if you can, please please please tell me know! It's been almost a year & I miss it so much - we tried once & I thought I was literally going to die from the pain)
I'm sorry if this is all TMI, I'm just having a really hard time today/tonight/this week & I guess I just need someone who has been here to hold my hand & tell me it's going to be okay.
Slipped on a wet stair case the morning of 10/31/11, landed flat on my tush & blew up my spine & both SI joints.
3 level ACDF C4-C7 7/11/12 (collapsed discs & severe cord compression)
lumbar fusion to be scheduled once healed from ACDF