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crying behind the smile

i want to apologise for 'same old,same old', i wanted to put a status on my facebook page which would have said something like... i am having a bad day i am on my own and i cannot smile, a moment of feeling sorry for myself, i am in such pain and i am still going to do the chores i need to do but i really just want to stop and cry and cry... and i know that crying wont help, i will still be in pain and have my chores to do after...... i even started to type it in... then deleted it cos i just feel nobody really wants to hear that from me. i am three months post op and the pain is just getting worse. even typing this is hurting. there are so many brave people on this site who i am sure would consider my situation a blessing compared to theirs, i do realise that most of the time, but right now.... i am so worn out with it... then i thought i could at least put my feelings on here. thank you


  • ben_indianabben_indiana Posts: 288
    edited 08/22/2012 - 8:26 AM
    Hi welshlady, just wanted you to know I read your post and feel for ya. I think you did the right thing by venting here instead of on social media.

    I have only been on the site for a few weeks, so im no expert. But just putting my feelings out there helps. Then when I get a response I feel even better just to know someone understands.

    I also understand your comment about others on the site having it worse, I read some of these posts and think my situation is nothing compared to some of these people. But I truly do not believe someone is saying " look at this ben guy crying about a herniated disc, I ve had four fusions and this guy does not even know pain"

    We all have pain & the stress that comes with it, and wherever someone is on the scale dosent matter.
    The understanding is there, and thats what matters. I hope things can get better for you. Good Luck.
    L5S1 REMOVED herniation. Years of pain & compression. Microdiscectomy complete!! Trying to be super smart & safe with recovery!
  • Never apologize. That's what this forum is for. To support and be supported. I am sorry you are having such a rough day. All I know is I understand having awful pain and that still things have to get done.

    I am sending you a big hug and I really hope that your pain gets under control. I know its no fun!
    Missy, 1 level ACDF C6/C7 Monday July 16th 2012.

  • thank you for your support, it means a great deal to me. i have done what i needed to do for today, the rest i will tackle in the morning. i am now going to sit in the shower and let the hot water fall and imagine it washing away my pain, then it will be time for my bedtime meds (i only take meds at night as i am terrified of becoming dependant on pain killers.) tomorrow is another day, i will let myself have a cry before i sleep, tomorrow maybe, i will be able to come on the site and support someone else. thank you both very much.
  • jellyhalljjellyhall Posts: 4,373
    edited 08/22/2012 - 10:20 AM
    I am so glad that you did come and post how you truly felt today.
    We are hear to listen and understand how this pain can just wear you down.

    I hope that you will sleep well tonight and that tomorrow will be a better day for you and that will raise your hope for a better future.

    Gentle and caring hugs
    >:D< >:-D< :hug:
  • Hi Welshlady don't think twice about venting on this site, WE SUPPORT EACH OTHER. I have posted during rough times just to vent and was never told once to stop whining, this is the place to do it. I am 6 weeks post op from ACDF C5-6 and saw neurosurgeon Monday and I still have pain, he thinks it's just muscle so we will see. It's hard to explain but the pain is different post op, mine is left side of neck mostly but it goes across the back of my neck to the right side. I hope you have some pain free moments because hoping for a whole day is too much to expect when you are in a bad pain phase. God Bless, Joe
    ACDF C5-6 July 10, 2012 with plate and screws.
  • Hi hon,

    I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and that I hope today is a better one for you.

    Missy, 1 level ACDF C6/C7 Monday July 16th 2012.

  • piggy44ppiggy44 Posts: 7
    edited 08/23/2012 - 11:03 AM
    Hey Welsh Lady!!!!!!!!!!!

    You are not alone in feeling worn down by constant pain. Been there done that.............Both, before and after numerous surgeries.

    You only get down as far as you allow yourself to go.
  • piggy44ppiggy44 Posts: 7
    edited 08/23/2012 - 11:16 AM
    Ya know that last message sounded like a commerical. Oh my f.....ing goodness. Nobody knows what its like to be in that much / this much pain everyday.

    I've been there............I've had to do that...........Now however, I still have numbness and pain in both hands..........I use Dragon Software to type for me.

    I send out prayers for anyone that is dealing with neck / spinal cord surgery!


  • sunshinebry2000ssunshinebry2000 Posts: 81
    edited 08/24/2012 - 9:43 PM
    Welsh lady, you saw my melt downs, I was in so much pain and at the end of my rope. I thought it was never going to change. It did change and i am not pain free by any means but my perception changed and I think once I stopped telling myself how much pain I was in and I was in pain, it wasnt imagined but I needed to switch the focus. I do not know maybe it is a 12 week breakdown and I hope so because then you will know there is an other side to this. I am 4and 1/2 months now and am a different person than who i was a month ago. I wish for you so much and I hope that you can find relief from this. But I can tell you when I was in pain I took pain meds! Heck if i am in pain now I take meds. Staying in constant pain will drive you crazy anyone. I hope this gets better for you. You need to vent and not on FB because they are not going to understand. Come here and vent so you can get it out. This was a lifesaver for me to just get it out of me because it loses power out side my head! OK im getting too deep. Anyway As a fellow traveler on the road ahead of you, i can tell you it gets different and better is a state of mind. I wish you relief because our pain is all consuming. I wish you peace at least for today from a tormenting mind. Let me know if I can help in anyway. Blessings KIm
    3 Level ACDF C4-C7 4/16/12
    Kimberly Martin
  • welshladywwelshlady Posts: 121
    edited 09/06/2012 - 2:50 AM
    Hi all, thank you so much for your support, i came down with a massive ear infection so i think that was lowering my mood and my usual resiliance. now i am over that (it was stubborn!) i am once more able to acknowledge my pain but look out to what is good in my life. thanks again for all your kind words. xx
  • jellyhalljjellyhall Posts: 4,373
    edited 09/06/2012 - 10:55 AM
    I'm glad to hear that you are feeling more positive again.
    Dealing with chronic pain is quite enough to be dealing with without having an ear infection too.
    Take care xx
  • That put a big smile on my face when I read it. I was wondering how you were doing. Great news hon! Have a wonderful weekend!
    Missy, 1 level ACDF C6/C7 Monday July 16th 2012.

  • In this thread! just wanna send some positive vibes to you all! hope evryone is doing as well as possible right now!
    L5S1 REMOVED herniation. Years of pain & compression. Microdiscectomy complete!! Trying to be super smart & safe with recovery!
  • You are feeling better! Ear infections can be very very painful. As a child I had them often, and they are no fun.
    Just wanted to drop in and wish you continued relief.

    Tall Hugs!
    ACDF C4-C7 5/13/2010. Synthetic Bone Graft Failed Fusion.
    PCF C4-C7 8/13/13. Rods and Screws Fused in 3 Months with Autograft.
    C6-C7 Spineous process Surgically Shaved Off 3/11/14.
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