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I dont really want to be a jumper

Seems like every day lately I think about how much I dont really want to live as I think about living.This is not living its merely just existing until my time, yes I think about suicide a lot and what I would miss if I am gone ,,and I ask myself do I really want to die?? Not really I just want to be able to cope! and lately I have not been coping well at all..All of you on here know the levels pain can take you to and its those times when I think like this.My pain levels are high today and no im not thinking clearly.I am still trying to work and try to hide my tears from my co workers when all I want to do is scream! I just feel like im in a bad dream sometimes and I will wake up and be normal again..


  • And I get it...been that kind of weekend for me. I don't have an answer for myself or for you, I know that we are stronger than our pain...we just need to remember it. I don't know if I am the best person to answer your post right now, but I wanted you to know you are being heard. I acknowledge your pain and i understand the suffering it can bring. Do you have a game plan for bad pain days? Does ice or heat work for you? Do your meds help at all? Do you have a support system beyond this online world that can hold you up? Please stay in touch, and fight against it...do whatever it takes to win the battle...at least that is what I am doing today! Peace, Ellen
    3 level fusion L3-S1 July 23, 2012
  • I hate those days that are bad like yesterday, it seems the rain just amplifies the pain, I dont really have any support other than my husband and he is gone all the time..Ice really helps or if I can lay down, I am to stubborn to give my job up but I know its going to happen..I am scheduled for the spine stimulator trial the 18th of October and I feel like my doctor has pushed me to do it , who knows what can it hurt and it might help! My meds help take the edge off but thats about it..Some days I get so tired of the battle and just dont have the enrgy to keep fighting ..I am sorry you hurt I hate to see so many people going through this kind of pain..
  • Hey Kentucky. I know how it is. What its like to feel so down. So helpless. I was going to be a boxer. Not a boxer at walmart hahaha but a fighter. I was at the top of my game when I woke one day to find my legs didn't work anymore. My back had been broken for years (I was unaware it had broken) and had eventually slipped forward and pinched off my nerves (pars defect with spondylyosis). So my dreams of doing something other than slaving for the rich are over. Everyday is a battle for me knowing I could've been one of the greatest to ever step foot in the ring. I know its illegal, HOWEVER thc or better known as marijuana has helped me significantly. I can care less about the legality of it. It works and works very well for pain and depression. Even my doctor told me its ok, just look out for the fuzz lol. Some pain meds that we receive from our doctors make the pain go away but can swing our moods into a very sad and depressed state. What do you do for fun? What makes you happy? Is there anything that makes your pain go away, even in the slightest amount?

  • I am so sorry ! I have thought about smoking a little but I am so scared it would make me eat lol I have had so many epidurals and gained some weight which doesnt help, it seems like everything and all of our dreams just are gone and I wake up in the morning sometime just terrified at what the next few years is going to bring..Jersey it sounds like you had your life planned out and how can we not feel mad or resentful? Everyone keeps saying it could be worse just look around you..well for me I dont think I could have more pain than I have now and yes I know it probably could be worse but it doesnt help.. As far as steping in front of a car I have thought about pulling out in front of big trucks or and worse things..The doctors dont care they treat us like drug seekers or dont give enough meds to cover the pain it sucks! I watch people laughing and smiling cooking out and having fun and and wonder what it would be like to be that care free again..Love and thoughts for you both!!
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