First, thanks for reading this somewhat long post and intro. For the most part, assume much more has gone on and this is just a summary and needing people that understand me. I'm losing it. So to speak.
I'm 33. I had my own business in the health profession and did well.
The running joke is that I have a bulls eye on my back. I've been ran over or hit 4 times now. Must recently about 6 months ago. My late 29's and early 30's have been lost and I've spent the majority of it in bed reading and watching TV. I've lost everything. Money, business, friends, girlfriends, ambition and hope.
I look forward most to the end of the night when I can sleep and get a few hours of escape dreaming. That's where I have been at.
I have 4 shattered discs, a cracked vertebrae or two and I live a life of pain and fear of anything that may cause more pain.
Things got really bad about 6-7'years ago but been bad for over 12 but manageable then. 3 times I was t-boned by people that were decades past their ability to drive. The first 2 I was on a motorcycle. The latest in March of 12, totaled my car. I was in traffic going 10 mph, the man hit me going 70mph. My spine was horrible before that.
When things went bad the first time in 2006, life was great. I had a great business, I was in peak physical condition, dating a lot, meat a great girl, moved in with her, we had a high combined income, all was good. Then it got bad about a month after the accident. First came the Vicodin, then the Norco, then the Methadone. Soon enough, I was taking 80mg of Methadone a day and 80mg of hydrocodone via Norco.
At the time, I had no idea how much it changed me and it still didnt get rid of most of my pain. My business had to close down as it was dependent on my health. I had surgery, a microdiscectomy which did nothing for me at all. My fiancé left me, lost my place, moved in with my mother within a year or two after. I went from great shape to 59lbs over weight and after the break up, started drinking. First to kill the boredom and pain of the break up, them also because it helped get rid of the physical pain too.
I lost most of my friends. No one really believed what I was going through. Most ended up screwing me over, talking behind my back and doing things I couldn't believe they'd ever do. At this point, my worst thing I did to them was not hang out as often because I was always in pain. I hadn't done anything bad to them.
Eventually, I decided to try Suboxone due to recommendation by a very respected neurosurgeon to see where I was at without pain meds. At first, it sucked but I loved not being on any meds and felt more aware and awake than ever. I started rebuilding my business etc. things started going well for about 5 months and then I got hit again. Worse than ever. So back on meds. This time, OxyContin, 60mg day, 80mg of Norco. (8/day that is)
Still in pain a lot but now drugged out again and back where i was. Already I've been severely depressed and complete lack of libido or desire to date when before, I was opposite. Still living with my mother at this point, splitting rent as I had zero income for the most part.
So that's the very abridged version to date leaving out a handful of other major injuries, problems, etc. lol.
Then a month ago, I f'd up. I lost it mentally regarding pain. I had to see a few doctors, surgeons, new pain docs, etc. each offered me Norco. I accepted even though I had a pain doc. I knew there was a chance I could get flagged and I wasn't seeking more meds. They just offered scripts, even though I fully disclosed I was seeing a pain doc and what tey where giving me. As the pain meds at the time barely helped and my tolerance was already high, I didn't say no to the rock scripts.
Yeah, all my fault, I know. I wasn't doctor shopping but I didn't say no. When you are hurting so much you wouldn't mind dying, And you want to rip your own hair out from frustration, you tend not to think of future ramifications. So my pain doc wouldn't see me of course but I managed to get Suboxone again. I wanted it anyway, to see where in was without the meds. I'm not the type to take drugs if I don't need them. It's just not in my genetics. So I got on Suboxone and loved having the clear head again but my pain was there far more than when I decided to quit last time. This time, I am not yet ready. I still need therapy for my back etc. there aren't many docs in my town for pain management and I don't know if any will prescribe me the meds I need. That said, I don't even want to go back on heavy pain killers but I'm afraid to even get out of bed without them. My back hurts every time I move. I can't get in shape without them since I can't workout without extreme pain. I know this area well having been a very successful personal trainer and nutritionist for a dozen years.
I saw one pain doc last week and he was cold and. Rude and recommended Cymbalta. My pain isn't just nerve pain like C helps and I seriously doubt it is strong enough for the shattered spine I have. Most docs are surprised I can walk.
So here I am, taking Suboxone to keep withdrawals away but in pain all the time, never leaving my bed, broke, no friends anymore, angry, depressed, hopeless and no direction.
That's some of my story. I just needed to vent to a group of people that may understand me more. I'm not suicidal at all. Just don't care what happens. Dying of boredom more than anything. I don't know if any doc will help again, surgery doesn't seem to be on the table as so many discs are damaged and I'm 33. I'm so so lost and miserable.
Sorry for this post. I don't know what to expect or whatever. I just felt like typing. Sick of friends that are clueless to what I'm going through. I've ended most friendships, destroy any chances of dating as I'm not interested and end dates before they happen. I'm broke, fat now after being a trainer and in pain all the time. I don't see any silver lining.