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When is enough suffering?

Hi. Over the years I have read so many posts but never written one. My heart bleeds for everyone that's cursed with this under treated, dibilatating condition.
I had a mild case of sciatica starting in 2005. I had gotten in a hit and run and being young and stupid, trusted my doctor and believed that the surgery he was going to do would heal my pain. I didn't know real pain back then it was only discomfort. I was butchered bad. Later learned the surgery done was a last resort type and it never should have been done. A year after my failed surgery I started getting horrid painful back spasms then the most dreadful pain in my left buttock groin, thigh, I went to over 20 Drs to hear it was in my head or they didnt see anything wrong with my cage from my surgery. Nothing about sciatica.
I couldn't get out of bed by myself, eat, all I did was scream and cry until I passed out from my Xanax. Long story short I wound up in the hospital because I figured out my Topomax if taken much more than prescribed stopped the pain. I was not trying to off myself if I was I had much harder drugs at home. I was on the cardio ward suffering for 10 days and not 1 Dr touched me, I begged for a shot I told them my sciatica was killing me only to be ignored. At this point it was in my foot, the pain unbearable!!! After being released on high dosages of narcotics I went to see a top pain Dr that heard about me and made an exception and took me on as a new patient. Within 5 minutes he told me and my mom I had the worse case of sciatica he had ever seen and scheduled me for a shot.
I thought yea finally!!! Shots didn't take. My Dr was scared for me, I was a mess, I had lost 50 pounds now, was too weak to scream, it was bad so he admitted me into hospital to get fluids in me. Out of nowhere this Nuerologist comes in my room and tells my husband and I that he has me down for emergency surgery in the morning. He saw an old scan in my file and the hardware was full of defects and he wanted to see what other damage was done. I was elated and furious.
My sciatic nerve that whole time was in between my L4&L5 squished!!! Plus all the other damage.
So here it is 3 years later and I'm still in bed suffering just reduced by 50% , overweight from all the nerve meds and lack of activity, I live on ice and heat 24/7, I'd rather be paralyzed which was my biggest fear growing up, my butt pain is intolerable, If In between shots my Dr experimented on & it worked thankfully I only get relief if I dig something sharp in my foot. This is no quality of life. This is inhumaine. There is not enough research on Sciatic nerve damage.
I've lost 3 people to Cancer since this started and they all agreed they didn't suffer like me yet the care and medical/medicinal treatment they recieved was apples to oranges.
How much suffering is enough? There is no cure, meds don't work. If I was an animal I'd be put out of this misery humainly. I'm robbing my husband of a life, my son can't stand to see me in pain. I should be in control of my pain not Drs who don't have a clue what this feels like. I miss life but I lived a good one. I nor most anyone deserves this, what does 1 do when their sick of suffering ?


  • Hey Kelan,
    Sounds like you have been thru the ringer. What type of surgery did you have first time around? And the second the Neuro found the cage was damaged?
    How many diff pain mang docs have you seen? I have not had luck with any of ones I have seen.
    Sounds like they need find the right mix of meds for you. Do you do any type of exercises, for me I do some yoga.
    The only type for me is in water, even if you can just walk in the warm water. It is very hard to imagine doing any exercises when we are in such pain.
    For me if I don't walk or do some core strengthening in days I will be in hell alot more pain.

    We can never stop trying, we have to be our own advocates I would be in worse shape had I listen to all the docs, pt.
    Some place there is the right doc, or pain mang, doc for you. Please keep trying. Don't ever feel guilty(I get down n get the guilts) my son is now 12 and he has seen me in some bad times, he has become very compassionate young man. I have older kids and so many times I felt bad not being able to be at events. I have missed many holidays. And I have given my hubby options to get out. But as they all said if things were reversed I would do anything for them. And I just have changed the things I can.
    I have taught myself things on the computer, and I help them out in other ways. By staying strong, and doing research, keep going to different docs.
    Don't ever give up.

    I sometimes go into chat room perhaps we can meet up and chat sometime. It helps to vent, or often just shoot the breeze and get our minds off pain.

    keep posting
    tons of great ppl on this site

    neck,bone spurs pain started 04, back issues and fusion l4,l5 06~hardware removed.
    good few yrs. 09 pain sharp, numbness feet,legs, diagnosed fibro, neurop. legs.lung issues.
    daily goal do good thing for someone.
  • Yes its not an easy life for sure, You are not alone in this suffering, My last 8 years after my 1 st surgery of clinical trial arrificial disc replacement damaged the nerves and life here has never been the same either,
    No mater how many other surgery i have had did not help,

    I had a spinal chord stimulater implanted and even that dont help much, Most people dont have this kind of nerve pain for long time and they dont realise it does wear you down mentaly,

    All you can do is hang in there and make the best of it cause life is worth fighting for, This has been the biges thing in my life i have had to over come and its is a war, Its a dailey war but you have to kick its ass and stay strong,

    2nd bigest war i had was when i was married, Boy did i learn my leson, Wonder if my spine issue started after she hit me in the head with a frying pan,

    Best of luck, hang in there,
    Flexicore ADR 2004 resulting nerve damage l4l5 Fusion 2006 same level, 2009 hardware removal with lami !
    2012 scs implant ,
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