My vent for today:
I am 22 years old and I feel trapped in a body that won't let me be the person I want to be. The two things that give me the most joy in life, horseback riding and CrossFit, I have not been able to do since my last surgery (see history in signature) and probably will not be able to do again. I will likely have to sell my horse because I can't ride anymore and I have lost the sense of community at my CrossFit gym because I can only do body weight strength workouts in the corner by myself.
I lost 40 pounds doing CrossFit 6 days a week and my injury and current limitations have severely limited my ability to lose weight. I have gained 20 of those 40 pounds back so that means I currently need to lose about 70 pounds. I am depressed and angry about my situation and it is hard to get up every day and stay positive. I know my weight contributes to my back problems and I would give anything to lose weight, but it just doesn't come easily since my symptoms flare up and my depression gets the better of me. I feel like a failure and a horribly unhappy person that has been denied the things that make me happy. I deserve more than this. I deserve more than I have been given and I deserve more than I have limited myself to because of my back problems and excess weight.
This life is hard, disappointing, and lonely. It is hard to believe it will get better or that I will succeed.
22 year old. Herniated L4-L5 and L5-S1 in December of 2008 in horse riding fall. All non-surgical methods failed. L4-L5 micro discectomy in Sept. 2010. Further herniation of L5-S1 disc in Nov. 2011 and had L5-S1 micro discectomy March 2012.