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Ready to divorce...

Hi, I'm new to this group, but have been dealing with back pain for 5 years. This past December I herniated my L5S1. The first week, my husband was very concerned and caring but as time goes on, he seems to think I should be better already!! The worst symptom I have (besides pain) is numbness on the right side of my right leg down to my last 3 toes. I can't drive and walking is a chore. This is now going on 5 weeks and there is stress in our marriage, mostly because of the lack of sex. He has lost his compassion to my situation, has stopped showing any affection and it seems we are just going through the motions of every day life. I feel that he thinks my pain is not that bad and that I can do everything like I used to before. I am very frustrated as this is how it always goes. As I said, I have been dealing with a bad back for 5 years but this is the worst I have been. Surgery is not off the table yet as my neurosurgeon and I are waiting to see if i will get feeling back on my own. If I have to have surgery, I will be on my own. I know this, I feel our situation will not change, so why stay together?? I understand that sex is a big part of marriage. I miss it too, but why does he have to treat me like s**t and make me feel like what happened is my fault? I just want to feel loved...always, not only when our marriage is stable and I don't feel that anymore.


  • He will adjust ! Us guys get stupid at times when no sex but most of us realise its not the most important part of the relationship, Put something in his underwear after doing laundry so as he is itchy and scraching he will forget about sex for a while,

    Dont jump the gun he might come around and realise when you ask him for sex while he cant as he itching and scraching he will feel guilty asking for it when you were in too much pain,

    Worry about geting beter for now and work on relationship after ! Divorce aint going to help your situation right now and the stress involved, Put him to the test now when you need him in case you have surgery,

    If he dont pass the test you can dump him later, Your a woman, Shees i should not even have to tell you this. Lol

    Just work on yourself for now to get beter is whats most important,

    Best of luck,,
    Flexicore ADR 2004 resulting nerve damage l4l5 Fusion 2006 same level, 2009 hardware removal with lami !
    2012 scs implant ,
  • alexhurting said:
    Put something in his underwear after doing laundry so as he is itchy and scraching he will forget about sex for a while,

    Are you serious, haha?? Do you speak from experience?? What is the itchy stuff you use?? Hahahaha :rollinglaugh:

    Jo, sorry to hear that he's behaving like an idiot...

    Scare him by giving him a "divorce" talk and then tell him to come here on the forum so he can read what it's like to live with these kind of back issues...
    That should help put things back in perspective for him...

    Hope he comes round!

    Happiness is your chronic pain being less than it usually is...

    Migraines and so many herniated discs (the same ones over and over) that I have literally stopped counting
  • hello pain said:
    alexhurting said:
    Put something in his underwear after doing laundry so as he is itchy and scraching he will forget about sex for a while,

    Are you serious, haha?? Do you speak from experience?? What is the itchy stuff you use?? Hahahaha :rollinglaugh:

    Methyl salicylate would be ideal for this. It's the primary ingredient in Ben-Gay. Failing that, hot pepper powder would also work quite nicely. Just my 2¢.
    Disability retirement
  • hello painhhello pain Posts: 69
    edited 01/14/2013 - 1:58 PM
    Sorry Jo - this thread is going a bit off the track!

    Thanks for that Quicksilver, I will note that if my boyfriend ever does anything to deserve it...

    Do y'all have so much experience with this?? Is this a thing that fighting couples do regularly and I've just not heard of it??? Haha

    The single worst thing I have EVER done was my boyfriend would go out and get drunk - even though he'd say "I'll be home at 8pm for dinner"...

    I don't mind him going out - but then he should say so - and not leave me waiting around...

    Anyway this happened too often and drove me NUTS *frustrated* so I got some crackers (the ones you can eat) crumbled them up and threw them all over the matress (under the doona) in his side of the bed...

    He tossed and turned all night - cos seeing as he was so drunk, he couldn't figure out what it was that was so uncomfortable and scratchy....

    That is truly THE most bitchy and horrid thing I've ever done - and I still feel sorry for him that I did that - but I also have to laugh about it, cos it was such a harmless, little thing to have done at the same time... and it certainly helped vent my anger - cos I would've started hating him otherwise I think, so it was all in a good cause and we have laughed about that incident absolutely countless times since...

    If I ever got angry enough to put that itchy crap in his jocks - I think I'd probably leave him first... I don't think I could seriously tip that stuff into his clothes....!?!?! But then, maybe that's just me - maybe I fight my battles another way, and get even and get my revenge with other methods... evil chuckles... :D
    Happiness is your chronic pain being less than it usually is...

    Migraines and so many herniated discs (the same ones over and over) that I have literally stopped counting
  • I have dated a lot of evil woman in my days ,Been married to one also ! I have seen it all and lived it,
    I should not say thatt cause every time i think i seen it all something new hapens ,
    Knock on wood hope gf i live with now dont pull a rabbit out of her hat ,

    Jo already out shoping for chilly peper , Its so much cheaper then a divorce ,
    Flexicore ADR 2004 resulting nerve damage l4l5 Fusion 2006 same level, 2009 hardware removal with lami !
    2012 scs implant ,
  • hello painhhello pain Posts: 69
    edited 01/14/2013 - 2:28 PM
    Aw, Alex...
    We all have our failings, wether female or male...
    And we all drive each other nuts...

    I'm sure you've learned to pick your gfs more wisely and your gf will treat you nice :-)

    But just to be on the safe side - DON'T DRIVE HER NUTS

    Haha ;-)
    Happiness is your chronic pain being less than it usually is...

    Migraines and so many herniated discs (the same ones over and over) that I have literally stopped counting
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,875
    edited 01/14/2013 - 3:56 PM
    than off road driving.
    Just start browsing some of the topics in this category and you will hear so many different stories.

    Most doctors can fix you up physically, but who is going to help you with your relationships?

    Take a look at some of these:

    Chronic Pain and How the Family Deals

    Can you Deal Can I, Can We?

    There are no clear cut answers when it comes to people. But I can almost guarantee you that if you start with honest, sincere two way communications, many 'problems' can be identified and hopefully addressed.

    A sad but very summary of what a day is like for a person living in chronic pain. Spouses of people suffering in chronic pain should read this: A Day in the Life

    The one everyone should read: Letter to Normals from a Person with Chronic Pain
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • BadbackJo: hi.

    We had a recent thread on that. http://www.spine-health.com/forum/pain/chronic-pain/trying-make-my-wife-understand-pain

    Bottom line was that getting the spouse along to the key doctors consults gets spouse to see seriousness and sees doctor recognising that this is huge issue with life changing potential.

    Thn hopefully the penny will drop. They gotta see the issues, options, diagnosis first hand to understand. If they participate in it, they may develop 'buy in' and have some ownership of the consequences and affects to themselves.

    Take care.
  • Thanks everyone, for your comments. The problem I guess we all have is that both sides get hurt and angry, to the point where we can't communicate anymore. Obviously, this is not our first round with this fight and as fights go on, I find myself wanting to quit. We have been together for 28 years, married for 22 and have 2 beautiful sons. I just wish that he could understand that I am not rejecting him. He gets so bent out of shape and right away pulls away from me, both physically and emotionally. I stop talking about my pain and fears because I feel that I am complaining too much so really, I am pulling away from him too. It just escalates from there, each day getting harder and harder...till one of us snaps, and its usually me. I hate feeling alone in a house full with people. It hurts. I understand that if I am not happy with my life, then its up to me to change it, but does that mean ending this and starting over??
  • I think the answer to your question is within the posts above ! If you read some of the links posted above might help understand its not easy,
    Some have to resort to a proffesional counselor at times to make it work and have a beter understanding,
    But of course thats a personal choice if someone wants to start over and get divorced,
    Flexicore ADR 2004 resulting nerve damage l4l5 Fusion 2006 same level, 2009 hardware removal with lami !
    2012 scs implant ,
  • I have been doing the research and checking out the posts above. I am grateful that I found this web-site. My husband does come to the appointments with me because I still can't drive due to the numbness in my right leg. I have to say, when he saw the results of the MRI, he was more attentive. I guess it was a confirmation for him and showed him the seriousness of the situation. I am going to talk to him, in a calm manner, about my feelings and hope that he remains calm as well. I don't want to throw away 28 years of hard work!! I already feel better with the situation because I don't feel so alone anymore. That's because of you and your kind and funny words!! My home life remains the same...for now...but I am strong again emotionally and that means I am ready to work at it...again!!
  • Very happy for you Jo!
    Feeling stronger is a great start!

    I wanted to tell you a weird experience I had with my partner a few months ago...
    I have had awful back pain ever since long before I met him, so he has not known me without it...

    A few months ago, he had a disc bulge and impinge upon a nerve. It was only slight and it cleared up several weeks later, but he had mild to medium sciatica from it...

    Suddenly he could relate what I went through!! And he realised and said how awful it must be for me, that my back pain is so much worse than that!

    It was so wonderful! I was sorry to see him in pain of course, but it was such a relief that he could see what it was like...

    But THIS is the truly weird thing: cos you can't "SEE" back pain - the way you can for example see the cast on a broken leg etc - it's very hard to grasp what it's like as an onlooker...

    And even though I KNOW what back pain is like and was HAVING it myself - I would catch myself looking at my boyfriend in slight disbelief when he would groan in pain, just getting up off a chair... It "looked" so melodramatic (even tho he wasn't being!!)

    Just the sheer experience of seeing someone who "looks fine" from the outside - groaning in pain and hobbling about - it seems so bizarre...!!

    And you can force yourself to be considerate of it and to understand it for a couple of days - but day in and day out it gets really hard to understand!

    So suddenly I thought: Oh my goodness - that's how hard it's for my partner to understand my pain too!

    He must sooo often think "How melodramatic is she being" when I moan in pain, just sitting somewhere or walking across the room!

    So yeah, I'm still processing that one...! Hmmm....

    Good luck with talking to your hubby!!

    Happiness is your chronic pain being less than it usually is...

    Migraines and so many herniated discs (the same ones over and over) that I have literally stopped counting
  • so since he goes to appointments with you, why not bring him into the exam room with you? Before your next doctor's visit, though, give the doc a call and tell him/her what you told us about the toll your back pain is taking on your marriage, and ask the doctor to address this with both of you there. Sometimes hearing it from a professional will validate it far more than our complaining.

    I guess I'm lucky: Years before we met, my husband had a compression fracture sustained in a skydiving accident. He can walk, works at a physical job, and can have sex, but he occasionally gets pain from arthritis that has set in. And quite frankly, he moans and groans more than I do! He's been emotionally supportive, and it was a godsend to have him home the first two weeks after surgery (he drives a truck and is on the road.) However, he is tending to discourage me from doing things I should be doing--like walking. And two weekends ago he made the supermarket run by himself and came home with stuff that wasn't on the list and a whole bunch of generic stuff he won't eat! Last weekend I insisted on going with him, riding in the cart, and having him get stuff that I couldn't reach or lift.

    I wouldn't make a divorce threat unless I was prepared to go through with it. Ultimata rarely work to our advantage.
    I'm not a spinal diagnosis. I'm a human being with a spinal diagnosis.
  • i have been married for 15 years and for the last 7 i have not been able to have sex [i am 46} and male its not effected the marriage one bit the love and affection is still there .men can be very selfish .people don't realise how serious back pain can be and when your in pain the last thing you want is sex .the fear of being alone would worry me sick especially being ill .in fact the reason i responded to this post was i have a recurring dream about being on my own {in fact i had it tonight and woke myself up crying ..again ] i often wake up in the middle of the nigh in pain and also crying or feeling like crying .i often have sad dreams i think its because i am on my own for extended periods ..going back to sex .explain to him that you condition does not allow you to have sex and if you did it would be unfair on you as it would put you in more pain ,,anyway a man can easily satisfy himself !!without bothering you or wrecking your marriage
    1997 laminectomy
    2007 repeat laminectomy and discectomy L4/L5
    2011 ALIF {L4/L5/S1}
    2012 ? bowel problems .still under investigation
    2014 bladder operation may 19th 2014
  • Well do not worry some times due to work guys do not care even they want to care but give the time all things will be fine.
  • Pain makes you crazy.. My husband keeps telling me to go ride my horse and we need to go to the cabin more and take our atv's. I think sometimes if you look normal they can't understand why you hurt. You need to concentrate on getting better, the affection will come later after you heal up. Sex is just a tiny part of marriage. And I am all for slapping some insulation in his drawers!
  • I say be kind to each other. I found unless they are walking in your shoes it is hard to understand. Our marriage was pretty much going toward divorce. Then one day when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, I decided that I would try to figure out a way for us to connect again. I have been in pain for almost 2 years. Marriage is about good times and the bad times. It takes a lot to rough it out during the bad times, but the good times will come around again. We were at each other's throats and we couldn't even talk. Now we enjoy being together. I would have never figured. So hang in there and try to find ways to destress..
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