I know that addiction can be a very touchy subject, and that many people may have strong feelings in several very different directions about it, however, since pain meds are a reality for so many of us, I am just going to say it.
I am a drug addict.
If that makes you hate me, thats o.k.
It was never my goal to become a drug addict. That is for sure. I had a great paying construction management job. I had a beautiful home with a stupid fishpond in the backyard and bought my wife a new lincoln every year. I was very driven.
It began for me in 1997 when a simple knee surgery left me with a staph infection that nearly killed me, and the need for three more surgeries to try to repair my ravaged knee, none of them worked. I was left in a lot of pain, and with a primary care doc who would happily write scripts for anything I asked for. He always said " Who am I to tell you, how much you hurt?" I have to stop here and make this very clear. I in no way at all, blame my dr. He was trying to help me. I was the one who lost control. For the next 10 years I ran multi million dollar constrution project while consuming an ever increasing amount of pain meds. Somewhere along the way, I totally lost control. I did not mean to. I thought I was bulletproof, that I ruled my world and nothing was ever going to stop me. Wrong. I will skip the gory details and tell you that because the drugs became more important than anything else, I threw away the house, the cars, and a small fortune in my retirement fund. That is far from the worst part. What really hurts is that I hurt everyone I know. I hurt the people who love me. Addiction is an ugly disease. Ugly.
I have been in recovery for 6 years now
For me, in my case, as is very common, denial allowed me to continue the madness. Who would ever want to speak the words "I am an addict"?. That word, addict, brings up something in people that few other words do. It can vary widely but people sure seem to wince inside at it.
I used to think that the idea of going to a meeting for help with anything was silly until I walked into a meeting and finally said those words" I am an addict". For me it was like at that moment the clouds parted, the sun shone, and the angels sang. No kidding. Just as people understand and help each other here, in that meeting I was finally not alone. People who did not even know me hugged me, loved me and helped me. they did not think I was a dirty piece of crap. I knew I was home.
Wow, i have been rambling on pretty hard here, sorry. What brought me here is that I am Having a few different spine issues now including a bone spur so large the my surgeon named it "the Paul Bunyon of bone spurs" It completely covers and has fused t8 and t9 together, a "fleet" af smaller t spurs, DISH, and a pulled muscle back there. It hurts alot. On monday I am meeting with my primary care doc about pain meds until i can hopefully get this mess fixed. My primary ( not the original one) has always said" Being a recovering addict does not mean that you have to live in pain'. My back has hurt alot for a long time and I was too stubborn to get any help because of what I am.
Anyone else have similar issues? I would be happy to ramble on about it all with anyone who has thoughts in any direction on this subject. I know hundreds of addicts, i have been at this recovery thing a while, but you can never have too many people on your team. Much love