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Another sleepless night.......one of many

Joey29JJoey29 Posts: 22
edited 03/29/2013 - 6:03 PM in Chronic Pain
Well im at that time of night again where my pain always seems to worsen its that time of night where the girlfriend has gone to bed and im up alone, my sleep schedule is so messed up now a days im lucky if I can get a couple hours of sleep I look like hell now a days its hard not noticing that guy in the mirror anymore. It feels like im stuck in a vicous cycle that I cant control at all this pain is controlling my life and I hate it, it stops me from sleeping, a barely leave my house anymore, people talk to me like im not trying hard enough or as my physiotherapist says the pain is all in your head its not real you dont have to brace your leg when you feel the pain its not real, this whole thing has been a nightmare, its exhausting.

Im thankful I found this site now its been hard holding all this inside and putting on a that mask that im alright , when im completely the opposite.
You know I would have never thought ever that my life would turn into this, its really put the important things into perspective, I have spent my entire adult life serving this country 12 years to be exact, and now I feel broken and completly useless, it takes all my energy some days to even fight the pain to get a few household things done, it just feel like a losing battle somedays.
Its unbelievably lonely dealing with this pain on a daily basis, I sit here day after day, by myself dealing with this, my friends that I have served with for ten+ years of my life, people that I have been overseas with have all but just vanished into there own lives, I think its going on 6 months since the last time anyone has reached out to me, its sad. I dont have the energy to go out and put on that fake face and pretend that im alright and answer there questions that I have answered a millions times, I dont like being around people that I can see judging me about my pain and just not giving me the respect that I think I deserve if people only knew what I go through everyday.

I just wanna say thanks for letting me vent on here I dont know if anyone will read this but I know I feel at least a little better getting some of these thoughts out of my head.

Thanks again, I hope this stuff gets easier someday....



  • Hi Joey29,

    Wanted to say that I read your post and can completely understand how you are feeling, and likely so can everyone else on the site. Unless you experience continued / chronic pain I guess it is difficult to understand, and can completely relate to your experience of being "dropped" by colleagues. You haven't mentioned in your post whether you have had / planning to have surgery, or the cause of your predicament? Wishing you all the very best, Nick
  • flowerpotsfflowerpots Posts: 379
    edited 03/25/2013 - 2:41 AM
    I hear ya. I was up again all night in terrable pain .Im out of meds so i have to call dr this morning.Im only 2 wks out from my surgery and the pain is so so bad at night.I too dont talk to family or friends about my pain.They dont understand.This site is what the dr ordered.We are all in this together.Hang in there and vent away.We feel your pain.Stay strong Kathy
    Kathy B
  • BotzBotz Central FloridaPosts: 223
    I have walked in your steps for a number of years. I had my third surgery 5 days ago and was released last night. Would you mind sharing where your pain is and what type of treatments you have tried? There are many options to get some relief. Maybe you need a second opinion. If you click on my User name you should see some of my journey.
    Take it easy and hopefully you can get some relief. Art

    Kathy....jeezze up all night and out of meds.!You should have let them know you were running out before you did :( I hope they got you taken care of.when is your follow-up? Mine is the 4th and if I get anywhere close to running out I will be on the phone letting them know. Art
  • Called the dr he refilled my morphine.Its 8:00 pm and the pain is starting to go down my leg.I wish i knew whats causing it.I see the dr for post op this friday.I have questions for him.How are you feeling since you got home?
    Kathy B
  • Hi all!

    Joey, I can relate as I also have walked in your shoes. You must have good restraint--I would have been inclined to send your physiotherapist through a wall. NO ONE has the right to tell ANY of us that pain is not existent or "In Our Heads."

    Obviously that is a sore spot for so many of us. Personally, I have lived with back and neck pain for almost 16 years--since I was 26. These everyday, normal tasks (housework, cooking are also a challenge for me.....just as they are for many of us.

    You are not alone.......it feels like it has been a lifetime since I was a mostly productive guy that could work 50-60 hours a week. That was back in 2001--the last time I was able to do that! It took a long time for me to accept that I can no longer do those things.

    Hang in there Joey.......and all of you. Big THANKS for serving our Country!

  • Ms PixieMMs Pixie Posts: 154
    edited 03/25/2013 - 4:04 PM
    the same as Charlie. How dare someone tell u its in ur head! That physio is in the wrong profession. U need people around you that support and help you, not doubting you! I kinda had the same with my first pain manager, she was so set on me having arthritis and arthritis only so she only ran tests for that, and treated me with the same stuff for 2 years, berated me when I had flare ups and said I had been uncareful and brought them on me. One day I waited 1.5 hours for her to show up, since the nurse said dont leave, she will be here soon. She never came, I walked out of the clinic and never looked back. Found my "real" pain clinic after that and they asked me why the heck she had done the same thing for 2 years when it didnt work? I said I had no idea there are other things for this, and they said they needed to figure out everything that was going on with my spine and try every treatment there is, and there was many. Ive been with them for over 3 years now and never have they doubted me or given up on treatment. Find that place, those people! They will make what you deal with easier.

    My life has changed a lot too since I got sick. I mostly hang with hubby and family. Rarely socialize (its hard to make plans when you never know what next day will be like, I have also cancelled on too many invitations and some have gotten tired of inviting me.)
    It is hard to accept how ones life is changing from illness. Please do hang here, we know what you go through, we know about the nights. Yes the nights! The pain sets in, everyone is asleep but you. Pain killers, Ice, toss and turn, get up, go back to bed, more pain killers, get up again, surf the internet, look out the window, dark, everyone's asleep, read a little, more ice, many thoughts running through my head, finally nod of at 5, alarm goes of at 6.
    Cause: car accident & genetics
    Effect: herniations C4-7, stenosis, osteoarthritis, myelopathy, neuropathy
    Non-invasive Treatment: everything under the sun
    Invasive Treatment: 2 level ACDF, C5 & C6, May 2012
    Moving Forward: SCS
  • I had to double check to see I wasnt reading my own post! I too have changed my whole life because of intractable pain! Luckily i have a caring and loving wife and daughter that do believe me and support me. I just as of this past wednesday was finally approved for social security disability!!
    I am glad you did share because it gives those of us that read your post a feeling of being in one big family that know one can relate too!
    I have given up trying to put on that mask awhile ago and thank god for social security, as my wife and I are on the verge of loosing our house and having no where to go!
    I hope you are getting the right meds as that seems to be the only thing besides surgery that can be of any help.If you are not getting the right meds or help find a new doctor.
    Thank you for your service and welcome to the new brotherhood of intractable pain! Keep on sharing , because sometimes thats all we can do to stay sane.

    Mike B
  • Hi can I ask you about ssdi? I tried to get it and was denied. I am only going to be out of work about 9 mths but don't know if you have to be out longer.We got a lawyer but I don't know if it will help.How long did you wait for your ssdi? thanks kathy
    Kathy B
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