Well im at that time of night again where my pain always seems to worsen its that time of night where the girlfriend has gone to bed and im up alone, my sleep schedule is so messed up now a days im lucky if I can get a couple hours of sleep I look like hell now a days its hard not noticing that guy in the mirror anymore. It feels like im stuck in a vicous cycle that I cant control at all this pain is controlling my life and I hate it, it stops me from sleeping, a barely leave my house anymore, people talk to me like im not trying hard enough or as my physiotherapist says the pain is all in your head its not real you dont have to brace your leg when you feel the pain its not real, this whole thing has been a nightmare, its exhausting.
Im thankful I found this site now its been hard holding all this inside and putting on a that mask that im alright , when im completely the opposite.
You know I would have never thought ever that my life would turn into this, its really put the important things into perspective, I have spent my entire adult life serving this country 12 years to be exact, and now I feel broken and completly useless, it takes all my energy some days to even fight the pain to get a few household things done, it just feel like a losing battle somedays.
Its unbelievably lonely dealing with this pain on a daily basis, I sit here day after day, by myself dealing with this, my friends that I have served with for ten+ years of my life, people that I have been overseas with have all but just vanished into there own lives, I think its going on 6 months since the last time anyone has reached out to me, its sad. I dont have the energy to go out and put on that fake face and pretend that im alright and answer there questions that I have answered a millions times, I dont like being around people that I can see judging me about my pain and just not giving me the respect that I think I deserve if people only knew what I go through everyday.
I just wanna say thanks for letting me vent on here I dont know if anyone will read this but I know I feel at least a little better getting some of these thoughts out of my head.
Thanks again, I hope this stuff gets easier someday....