I find myself looking back over this exhausting year, and wondering if anything is going to get better or is it just going to be one kick after another, it makes me wonder if things actually do get better or is it like this from here on in.
As I have said before I injured myself over a year ago which lead to the diagnoses of severe l4 l5 disk herniations which lead me to half a dozen epidurals and then later a discectomy, the pain never really got better through out all of this. So that gets me to now im in daily horrible pain, and all I can do is watch my life that I had disappear one thing at a time and there is nothing I can do to stop it. If this is how life is supposed to be living with constant pain I dont know how to do it, you would think that after things are really rough something would give and help you out and not just keep on piling it on so everything that is hard continues to get harder and harder. Im so frustrated with everything lately I have to watch a job that I have had for 12 years+ and put unbelievable amounts of time into too just watch it go away and there is nothing I can do about it I feel like I have zero opinion on what my own life should be like, this pain has taken over every aspect of my life.
I just want something good to happen everything has been so bad for so long I feel like I go to bed in pain I wake up in more pain and then I just have to wait for something worse to happen worse then the last.
I have had a horrible last couple of days my dog had a medical emergency I had to carry him to the car while in tons of pain just to get him to the vet and to have him be put to sleep all within a half hour I just dont know how much a person can take everyday seem like its worse than the last. I just dont know when is enough, enough? or is this the life that I live now, I dont get it.
When I think that I do the best that I can given the situation with constant pain and emotional ties that comes with it I do my part I go to a therapist I deal with my issues, I take all the advice from my pain specialist I take all the daily meds and I deal with the lack of sleep, and continue to live my so called ok life, I do my part I just wish some would cut me a break once and a while. And now my dog gets yanked outta my life he was one thing that I could sit with when the pain is so high that it makes me wanna puke, what the hell is next...........I need this situation to show me a little light at the end of the tunnel.
Well thats my vent for tonight, hopefully I will sleep better, probably not but heres trying.