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When it rains it pours......when is enough, enough?

I find myself looking back over this exhausting year, and wondering if anything is going to get better or is it just going to be one kick after another, it makes me wonder if things actually do get better or is it like this from here on in.
As I have said before I injured myself over a year ago which lead to the diagnoses of severe l4 l5 disk herniations which lead me to half a dozen epidurals and then later a discectomy, the pain never really got better through out all of this. So that gets me to now im in daily horrible pain, and all I can do is watch my life that I had disappear one thing at a time and there is nothing I can do to stop it. If this is how life is supposed to be living with constant pain I dont know how to do it, you would think that after things are really rough something would give and help you out and not just keep on piling it on so everything that is hard continues to get harder and harder. Im so frustrated with everything lately I have to watch a job that I have had for 12 years+ and put unbelievable amounts of time into too just watch it go away and there is nothing I can do about it I feel like I have zero opinion on what my own life should be like, this pain has taken over every aspect of my life.
I just want something good to happen everything has been so bad for so long I feel like I go to bed in pain I wake up in more pain and then I just have to wait for something worse to happen worse then the last.
I have had a horrible last couple of days my dog had a medical emergency I had to carry him to the car while in tons of pain just to get him to the vet and to have him be put to sleep all within a half hour I just dont know how much a person can take everyday seem like its worse than the last. I just dont know when is enough, enough? or is this the life that I live now, I dont get it.
When I think that I do the best that I can given the situation with constant pain and emotional ties that comes with it I do my part I go to a therapist I deal with my issues, I take all the advice from my pain specialist I take all the daily meds and I deal with the lack of sleep, and continue to live my so called ok life, I do my part I just wish some would cut me a break once and a while. And now my dog gets yanked outta my life he was one thing that I could sit with when the pain is so high that it makes me wanna puke, what the hell is next...........I need this situation to show me a little light at the end of the tunnel.

Well thats my vent for tonight, hopefully I will sleep better, probably not but heres trying.


  • I am so sorry about your dog, that makes the heart break.

    I have mentioned to you previously that anti depressants may help lift this worthless fog off. I was crying five times a day and wishing to not wake up in the mornings but have greatly improved. It is a struggle and it does require more meds but you cannot live with such a bleak outlook. Its time to own your pain, call for help.

    Has anyone said that you have failed back surgery syndrome?
  • Joey29JJoey29 Posts: 22
    edited 04/22/2013 - 1:37 PM
    Hey sorry if the vent comes across as depressed but I think that im more frustrated with things more than anything else im just ready for something positive to happen.
    As for failed back surgery syndrome maybe it is something to ask my physiatrists about, I have never heard anything about that.
  • I just know that depression and worry when i sense it in others, didn't mean to get mother hen-ish.

    I have failed back surgery syndrome. I had a budging disc, turned into herniated and then collapsed disc with no other option than fusion. There was about two years from start to finish but although I am mechanically fixed, my brain still senses that pain. I have tried everything you could possibly try and have just now had the spinal cord stimulator implanted and have very high hopes for this. It never hurts to ask.
  • Am really sorry about your dog - god spelled backwards. I have a beautiful old dog and don't know what I'll do when he has to be put to sleep. I've had 7 years of intense pain, had to give up my job and my old life - u just get through everyday and like you hope like s*** things get better. My good old mother sent me a card which she thought was funny, the light at the end of the tunnel is a train - it's not funny. I have just started using a brace which I think I should have had after my accident and have had a couple of pain free days after 7 years of hell. Try immobilising - then your injuries might get a chance to heal in the right place. I also use Endep for sleep it's an old medication, takes a while to work, helps pain and at least I get some sleep even if I wake in the morning in pain. At least it's not an SSRI. Sun helps, hot packs and you need to learn to ask for help. I still hate asking. My car and driving were really killing me so I bought another one with stiffer suspension which doesn't seem to bounce me around as much. Buy yourself a sports car. At least it's a buzz when you've got the roof down.
  • I've never heard of it, but my story is similar to yours.....untreated for two years all the while getting worse, finally fusion also, due to ruptured disc. Still have awful pain and don't know what to do. My PCP wants me to go to a pain management center and all they want to do is give me epidural injections (the surgeon said it's not an option) Can't find anyone to help ease the pain :(
  • pandqmamappandqmama Posts: 175
    edited 04/23/2013 - 8:01 AM
    I had at least, no joke, twenty injections of one sort or another and five radio frequency ablations. I was also wearing a fentynal patch of 100mcg while taking morphine 15mg for breakthrough (up to eight per day).

    Now that I have the stimulator and is helping, I've asked why hasn't anyone suggested this in the past seven years and was given two responses. The first was they want to make you go through every cheaper option first to make sure those don't help you first and the second was a two part 1) not all providers are yet on board with it 2) the insurance companies (who really run it all) are just now finding out that these may be the better option and are becoming much more approved.

    I also go to a pain management facility, ask your doctor if this is something that may be a possibility some day. The great thing, they do a trial first to make sure it will work, it either does or it doesn't but then you would know.
  • Thank you for that info. I guess the only way to be heard is to be their guinea pig. I've had two of those injections prior to my surgery and they were not fun at all. Not sure what to do, but I guess i'll go see the pain management doc to see what they can offer. So sad we have to fight just to feel normal.
  • First off I am truly sorry about your dog. I have been through that a couple times and I am expecting another soon as our older gal is 15+ years old. Its never easy losing one of your buddies. Take your time to grieve your loss, then head to your nearest shelter and rescue another buddy.

    Now for the rest, I am probably going to come across as an ass on this one but I (and probably everyone else on this board) has been through what you are dealing with. I lost my career with the simple statement "This injury will put you out of the Army" 11+ years down the tubes with one statement, after my surgery and discharge I was in a funk for almost 2 years. It happens to us all, but at some point you need to make a choice and ask yourself "Am I going to let this pain beat me?"

    The first thing you need to stop is the "What's next?" That one little statement will drive you nuts and cause more issues then the pain you are dealing with.

    Good luck in your journey and try to remember there are a lot of us out here that are going through the same issues and will be more then willing to give you a shove now and then.

    Fusion L4-S1, T8-T9 herniation.
  • I heard of failed back surgery syndrome, also read about it because after 3 surgerys and each time going back to the same pain , have all the injections and pain medds i believe thats what i suffer with, thats chronic pain and depression together. Joey sorry to hear all you are going through at the moment and about loseing your dog, I hope things look up for you in the near future. Takecare
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